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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU doing this to my son

164 replies

Minnietv · 02/01/2019 11:07

My son is 21 and has been in and out work since he dropped out of college. He has only ever don’t short term agency work, so is out of work for quite long periods. He doesn’t look for jobs and always waits for the agency to call him. When they call him at short notice ie about 7am in the morning to start at 10am he says no because they haven’t given him any notice, and even if they give him a call for a shift for the next day he sometimes says no because he just can’t be bothered or because his girlfriend is staying over!!!!

My husband and I are at the end of our tether with him, we have sat him down and asked him what he would like to do career wise but he just says he doesn’t know, he can’t get a proper job blah blah blah, but when we ask him to show us proof of the jobs he has looked for, he can’t because he then admits he hasn’t applied/looked for them.

He also never cleans his room, (it’s really disgusting) and generally is very disrespectable to us and his little brother (he is 12 and the way he speaks to him sometimes is atrocious )

Obviously we are his parents and we would never put him out (underneath he is a lovely boy and is generally well liked although doesn’t have many friends) but I know I need to do something drastic to get him to realise he needs to grow up.

So, DH and I were discussing it last night and we have decided on the days when he doesn’t have any work he gets up at 7/8am and leaves the house at 9am and doesn’t come back until 4/5pm. He can have the weekend in the house all day. His girlfriend is not allowed to stay over unless it’s at the weekend and he needs to keep his room clean before she is allowed to come back to stay.

I do feel a little bit guilty putting him out during the day but I don’t know what else we can do.

I’m hoping this will get him to realise he can’t just take us for a ride anymore, he is an adult and he needs to pull his socks up.
I will say we have tried other things out to get him to grow up, it’s not as if I’m just starting to bother now, but I’ve never went this extreme before.

So are we being unreasonable? Does anyone else have any ideas as to what we could do?

OP posts:
NotAGoodParent · 02/01/2019 11:44

At this age I was running my own household with a husband and 2 children. There's no excuse for him to be living like a teenager. Absolutely kicking him out during the day is the very least you should do

Inertia · 02/01/2019 11:46

His behaviour won't change until there are consequences for him.

Speaking to your adult son about his bullying of a 12 year old child- well, the evidence shows how effective that is, because it isn't stopping.

Sounds like girlfriend's mum has the measure of your son...

MrsJayy · 02/01/2019 11:47

I would get him to make an apointment for the job centre it will be opened tomorrow.

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/01/2019 11:48

I don’t give him any money at all, nothing

You're covering the roof over his head, his bills, his wifi and his food, when he's not working, which you suggest is most of the time. If he had to pay regular living costs he might be more motivated to get a proper job.

AustrianSnow · 02/01/2019 11:48

A friend ran a homeless shelter. This is exactly what they did there. Shelter was provided but they didn’t want the residents to lose focus and just hang around at home or stay in bed all day. They had to be up and out.

Purplecatshopaholic · 02/01/2019 11:48

Getting him to clean his room may be feasible as there are consequences if not, of not seeing his girlfriend in the house. However, re putting him him out of the house during the day, as others have said, how are you actually going to do that if he wont go, or even get up out of bed?

dreamingofsun · 02/01/2019 11:49

if you disconnect his phone/PC how is he going to get a job? He sounds slightly depressed and goal-less to me. Is he signing on as they will encourage him to get a job? Has he sought any help with careers advice? I think he should be paying rent if he has a job or not - if he isnt working he should be signing on.

And if girlfriend is stopping him getting his act together....then agree she should be banned from staying over. Hopefully you arent paying his phone contract?

Personally i wouldnt ban him from the house. the conversation would go more along the lines of....you are an adult now and need to man up to the responsibilities this entails....ie looking after yourself and paying your own way.

icannotremember · 02/01/2019 11:50

Tbh I think that's worse than asking him to leave.
I would give him three months to either get work, get education or get sorted elsewhere.

2019rubberband · 02/01/2019 11:51

What will he do?

SoupOnMyTableNowSir · 02/01/2019 11:51

My friend did this with her DSS, she was just inviting "friends" druggie people she met who also didn't work over to the house and just watching tv.

They took her key off her and she had to leave when they did at 8.30am and then back at 5pm when my friend came home from work. She soon got bored of sitting around the town centre and got a job.

She does now have her own place, a job and a life.

When my Dh graduated Uni a million years ago he had about 7 weeks before his graduate job started, he would get up and dressed and sit in the reception of the agency waiting for any job that came in. He was always their first pick of people because of the effort he made.

Your son is a lazy arsehole. I think your plan sounds good. Yes he may not know what he wants to do with his life, but he can still get a full time job. He can always look for a room to rent if he is unhappy with your new rules. He doesn't sound nice. He should be falling over himself to help out at home because if he lived alone he would have to do it all himself anyway. I did when I was 18 and went to Uni.

Lucisky · 02/01/2019 11:52

You say he only pays rent when he's working, is that right? He needs to be charged a proper weekly rent, every week, then he will have more reason to find work. I don't think getting him to leave the house will work, because as others have said, there's not a lot you can do if he doesn't.
If he was out working more, perhaps he wouldn't be around so much to bully your younger son?

BarbarianMum · 02/01/2019 11:53

My friend's parents did this to her sister - it was surprisingly effective (she went from lying in bed all day to a ft job in 2 months). And if he doesn't like it, he can move out.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 02/01/2019 11:54

if you disconnect his phone/PC how is he going to get a job? In the same way people who don't have the money for phones and internet do. Local library for a start. Job Centre (that should scare a bit of sense into him). Local youth initiatives, job cafes etc. When you need support finding work there are a surprising amount of small, local spaces to go... if you look for them!

There are so many things a 21 year old can do to ease themselves into adulthood. They just aren't cool, fun or in any way sexy! Many essential things aren't.

anappleadaykeeps · 02/01/2019 11:54

What are his hospital appointments for?

MortyVicar · 02/01/2019 11:55

Someone mentioned about my younger son and what example is being set to him, well he is a completely different kettle of fish, a totally different boy altogether and is actually a lot more responsible than my older son.

Don't underestimate the effect that watching your eldest get away with shit might have. Your younger one is 12, he's not hit the raging hormones and general teenage anger and angst yet. He might be very different to his older brother now, but don't fool yourself that he's guaranteed to stay that way if he sees the example his brother sets.

DarlingNikita · 02/01/2019 11:55

When he is working he does pay board money we don’t even need to ask for it.
He needs to pay board all the time. Unless the house/food shopping etc doesn't cost you money all the time?

The only cleaning I do for him is I wash his clothes, I don’t iron or clean his room. Stop washing his clothes.

Why would he bother sticking with a job or behaving decently to the other members of the household when he knows he's going to be fed and housed regardless?

MrsJayy · 02/01/2019 11:56

My friend did this with her son too he was bringing druggie mates and having random girls to stay over it was totally disrespectful, he didn't change over night but he is now working and paying rent on his own house ?

flumpybear · 02/01/2019 11:57

I wouldn't kick him out all day but I would insist he gets a job - you're pandering to him.
YY ABSOLUTELY re bedroom and girlfriend until he manages to support himself and starts paying rent to you - he's 21 ffs he should be considering his life not contemplating his navel

Original poster
Minnietv · 02/01/2019 11:59

We are resorting to sending him out during the day because we have had all the long talks with him before, his gran, aunts and uncles have all had the talk with him.

He won’t go to college we have tried to talk to him about going back to college he just refuses, he won’t go to any friends house during the day, the friends that he does have work.

We have tried to get him to sit driving lessons, the instructor said he at that time was ready to pass his test, he just needed to sit the theory test, I have lost count how many times we paid for that and then we found out he wasn’t even bothering to turn up for the test.

He needs a kick up the backside, and other than putting him out, this is the only other thing we can think off, the next step will be to disconnect the electricity from his bedroom, and if he needs the internet to look for a job then he can use the main computer.

OP posts:
Foodylicious · 02/01/2019 11:59

I think 3 months to get a job.
Any job.
Hotel, bar work, call centre, retail, warehouse....
The list is endless really.

He needs to WANT to improve his life in some way by working though.
So inventive of getting his own place, saving for a holiday or travelling for him/gf.
Money for him and gf to spend days out together?

subspace · 02/01/2019 12:01

There was a post like this a few months ago. Is he the son who loves in your basement, has been violent, rude and aggressive, suffering with bad mental health since a parent died egan he was young?

Apologies if you're a completely different family, but thought I'd check.

Wonkypalmtree · 02/01/2019 12:01

I don’t see how this particularly helpful, what and where are you expecting him to go? He could just go and sit in Wetherspoons all day or around a mates?

In your shoes I would help him get work, rather than challenge him on what he has applied for actually help, how is his cv? Can you work on improving it? He sounds immature and need of coaching/guiding.

You need to give him an ultimatum regards treatment of brother and you, say if that continues you will be moving him out (not kicking out but finding him somewhere else).

Original poster
Minnietv · 02/01/2019 12:02

flumpybear we have insisted he get a job but he just thinks agency work is a proper job.

OP posts:
Original poster
Minnietv · 02/01/2019 12:02

subspace no sorry that wasn’t me

OP posts:
Foodylicious · 02/01/2019 12:03

Not to de-rail thread, but how does he seem generally?
Mood, motivation levels, eating, sleeping etc?
People are not often (IMO) 'Just' lazy.

Is there any underlying low mods or anxiety that might be preventing him from getting on?
Low confidence perhaps?

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