AIBU doing this to my son

[Minnietv]

My son is 21 and has been in and out work since he dropped out of college. He has only ever don’t short term agency work, so is out of work for quite long periods. He doesn’t look for jobs and always waits for the agency to call him. When they call him at short notice ie about 7am in the morning to start at 10am he says no because they haven’t given him any notice, and even if they give him a call for a shift for the next day he sometimes says no because he just can’t be bothered or because his girlfriend is staying over!!!!

My husband and I are at the end of our tether with him, we have sat him down and asked him what he would like to do career wise but he just says he doesn’t know, he can’t get a proper job blah blah blah, but when we ask him to show us proof of the jobs he has looked for, he can’t because he then admits he hasn’t applied/looked for them.

He also never cleans his room, (it’s really disgusting) and generally is very disrespectable to us and his little brother (he is 12 and the way he speaks to him sometimes is atrocious )

Obviously we are his parents and we would never put him out (underneath he is a lovely boy and is generally well liked although doesn’t have many friends) but I know I need to do something drastic to get him to realise he needs to grow up.

So, DH and I were discussing it last night and we have decided on the days when he doesn’t have any work he gets up at 7/8am and leaves the house at 9am and doesn’t come back until 4/5pm. He can have the weekend in the house all day. His girlfriend is not allowed to stay over unless it’s at the weekend and he needs to keep his room clean before she is allowed to come back to stay.

I do feel a little bit guilty putting him out during the day but I don’t know what else we can do.

I’m hoping this will get him to realise he can’t just take us for a ride anymore, he is an adult and he needs to pull his socks up.
I will say we have tried other things out to get him to grow up, it’s not as if I’m just starting to bother now, but I’ve never went this extreme before.

So are we being unreasonable? Does anyone else have any ideas as to what we could do?

Yes throw him out each day and if it comes to you physically dragging him out then remove router etc. In addition to stopping doing his washing, not allowing the girlfriend to stay over at all (until secured proper job or training), and certainly not doing his washing. Can't remember if you doing cooking but if so stop that as well. Good luck with it. xx

A cold wet sponge used to be the classic way of getting lazy buggers out of bed in the morning! Or maybe a bucket of cold water....

But OP, I think your plan sounds good, if you can enforce the getting up and out. I def. wouldn't allow the GF round at all, if he refuses to cooperate. I wouldn't cook for him either, or wash his clothes, and would change wifi password.
Sometimes tough love is the only way.

Sadly I know someone whose 2 perfectly able kids both more or less refused to work or train well into their late 20s - various daft excuses plus enabled by benefits - by which time it was that much harder to find work, with no CV or track record.

From what I gather at least one of them really regretted the wasted years/opportunities later and was determined that her own child would not make the same mistake. It took a long time for it to dawn on her that nobody was going to come knocking on her door with the offer of the perfect, non minimum wage job, and that it was no use moaning how 'unfair' it was that the council wouldn't give her a nicer flat, etc. when she was doing literally nothing to get off her arse and help herself.

I suggest she provides shelter and food and nothing else and leaves him to deal with having no money for socialising, girlfriend, car, holiday, clothes etc until he works it out for himself.

But she's already doing that and he's still not 'worked it out for himself' and on top of that is terrible to his little brother and disrespectful of them. So they're supposed to just put up with that and mollycoddle him because the poor ickle boy just hasn't 'worked it out for himself'?

Agree with pictish that just because it's legal to throw your child out at a certain age, doesn't make them a mature adult. It's a process that some go through faster than others.

It's a tough one, OP. Personally, I think I'd be having him do more around the house on the days he isn't working. He should basically be cleaning the floors, bathrooms, living room, kitchen, etc. and making dinner. If he's going to be home all day, he might as well contribute in other ways.

He sounds spoiled and entitled OP sorry.

Baronet some take longer than others. He’s not 36. No need to panic yet.

YANBU.

Personally I think it's time for him to leave home, he's an adult.

I would sit him down and tell him he NEEDS to find a permanent job and a place of his own, he's an adult living like a student and there is a time limit on that.

I would set that limit at 3 months, by all means help him with a months rent to get him started but it's time for him to take responsibility for himself and he won't if you keep enabling him.

Your would know...being the expert on people you’ve never met and know nothing about.

Aha, so again, the entire family is supposed to put up with his atrocious behaviour because he's just a poor boy.

As for your telling people to fuck off because they don't agree with you, it appears you've not really 'worked it all out for yourself', either.

He needs to pay regular rent. If he doesn't have the cash then he needs to do chores to pay in kind.

OP if you google Failure To Launch you will see that there are proper (peer reviewed) treatment strategies which focus on changing the parents behaviour whilst maintaining sympathy for the young person.

That's very helpful Son I will have a look at that myself, whilst Pictish slogs it out in the corner with whoever. She's normally very helpful and I agree that kids don't suddenly become adults at 21 but you can't keep telling other posters to fuck off otherwise they'll tell you to fuck the fuck off and it all goes round in circles achieving nothing, bit like the OP's son

I’ll probably be modded, yes.

But I’ll still always speak up when posters are rude enough to tell a mum who knows her own son, that they know better than she.

Neither will I ever write off a 21 yr old for being immature.

Could you instead of kicking him out in the day time maybe give him a list of jobs that need doing round the house, DIY, gardening, ironing, weekly food shop etc. Treat it like a job he has to work say 9-5 round the house for you till he gets a job. If he realises he has responsibilities and jobs but isn't getting paid he may well seek proper work. This would also cover anything you do pay towards his upkeep. Maybe give him a list of how much it costs you in gas, electric, Internet, food each month and make him realise if you were to make him leave this is what he would have to pay himself. Might be the wake up call he needs.

There's speaking up and there's abusing people for not agreeing with you.

The OP knows her son, and she and her H have thought of a plan they hope will work on their child and so why not give it a shot? She's desperate and needs support, not scolded for not allowing her adult child to continue to abuse his brother and disrespect their home.

Oh dear, this is so tricky for you.
No, YANBU. I suppose the real question is, will it work?

Could he be depressed? Being unable to find work is very different from refusing to look. My BIL went through a few years of depression and quit his job and became like this. As much as his mental health was the cause, his behaviour was unacceptable. My sister was on the verge of leaving him but he got some help, went on some medication and with a lot of love, encouragment and at times a bit of tough love, managed to turn it back around.
Either way, I think your options are limited.
You can either be really firm on him with this and insist he changes his ways and follow through with any consequences, including insisting he move out within a certain time frame, if needs be. Or you can leave him be and hope he eventually grows out of it, hopefully before he has children of his own to support.

I think no GF visiting is an excellent idea.
I would advise you to make it clear you expect to be paid a certain amount minimum of board money every week, whether he works or not. He needs to become responsible for his finances and his lifestyle. You say he doesn't spend excessively and that's grand but his actual quality of life isn't suffering the consequences of his laziness.
Maybe it's time to stop funding his laziness. Absolute bare minimum (I'm talking real bare bones, 3 simple meals, no wifi, no priveleges) until he contributes. If he can't pay, he does household chores (cleans, cooks for family, lightens your load). Enough jobs to fill a day. He can contribute financially, in time and helpfulness or he can find somewhere else to live by X date.

I hope you find a solution!

True. I’m not put up nor down by swearing but if you are, I apologise. Not my intention to be abusive...I could express my feelings without the fucking.

It’s likely that kicking him out entirely is the only thing that is going to work. I understand not being ready to do that.

I’m not sure how you police his access during the day if you work those hours. I think you might find more luck changing the rules. First, his girlfriend should never be staying over. He doesn’t need 24/7 internet access. He really only needs it for job searching. I would also stop washing his laundry:

Hi all,

Thanks for all your posts, there's been some really useful advice for OP so far.

However, there have also been a fair few personal attacks. We've been through and deleted all the personal attacks so far but please do try and stick to the talk guidelines as we really don't want to have to delete thread. We're sure you all know it's perfectly possible to disagree with someone without making personal attacks

Reading your updates op, I wonder if something else is going on here (if it isn't just plain laziness I mean)? If it's not depression (you said he seems happy) could it be something to do with reading and writing. You said he hasn't completed the theory part of the driving test but the practical part was no problem? And that he wasn't that interested in school. Could he possibly have an issue with reading and writing that has never properly come to light? I know I could be way off beam with this, but a relation's son struggled all through school and it was found he had dyslexia only when he reached the sixth form! (He didn't realise that the way he saw the written page was very different to how everyone else saw it!)).

Most young men of his age are desperate to pass their driving tests. It seems strange he is reluctant to do that and enjoy some freedom. Is it lack of confidence caused by a reading/writing problem that is holding him back? (As I say, I could be totally wrong, but maybe something worth ruling out?)

Other than that, does he not have any ambition at all, any interests? If not, again that seems unusual to me, and would perhaps point to a MH problem? Perhaps anxiety or some such, that he's reluctant to talk about? Maybe?

I can't understand why the wellbeing of a 21 year old who can't be arsed to go to work trumps the wellbeing of a 12 year old who has no choice in the matter.

The 21 year old has everything on tap and contributes nothing to the household. I'm assuming no regular no cleaning, cooking, laundry, ironing, gardening OP?

And yet they are lazy and abusive.

It sounds to me like this man has grown up without ever having to think of others or take any responsibility. When he fails, his mother picks up after him. He has no confidence, his self esteem is on the floor and he has no resilience.

There's plenty you could do OP, it's just that you won't. You need to change your behaviour first if you want to change his.