AIBU doing this to my son

[Minnietv]

My son is 21 and has been in and out work since he dropped out of college. He has only ever don’t short term agency work, so is out of work for quite long periods. He doesn’t look for jobs and always waits for the agency to call him. When they call him at short notice ie about 7am in the morning to start at 10am he says no because they haven’t given him any notice, and even if they give him a call for a shift for the next day he sometimes says no because he just can’t be bothered or because his girlfriend is staying over!!!!

My husband and I are at the end of our tether with him, we have sat him down and asked him what he would like to do career wise but he just says he doesn’t know, he can’t get a proper job blah blah blah, but when we ask him to show us proof of the jobs he has looked for, he can’t because he then admits he hasn’t applied/looked for them.

He also never cleans his room, (it’s really disgusting) and generally is very disrespectable to us and his little brother (he is 12 and the way he speaks to him sometimes is atrocious )

Obviously we are his parents and we would never put him out (underneath he is a lovely boy and is generally well liked although doesn’t have many friends) but I know I need to do something drastic to get him to realise he needs to grow up.

So, DH and I were discussing it last night and we have decided on the days when he doesn’t have any work he gets up at 7/8am and leaves the house at 9am and doesn’t come back until 4/5pm. He can have the weekend in the house all day. His girlfriend is not allowed to stay over unless it’s at the weekend and he needs to keep his room clean before she is allowed to come back to stay.

I do feel a little bit guilty putting him out during the day but I don’t know what else we can do.

I’m hoping this will get him to realise he can’t just take us for a ride anymore, he is an adult and he needs to pull his socks up.
I will say we have tried other things out to get him to grow up, it’s not as if I’m just starting to bother now, but I’ve never went this extreme before.

So are we being unreasonable? Does anyone else have any ideas as to what we could do?

So what do you suggest she do, pictish, because she is getting desperate with him?

DarlingNikita the agency work isn’t regular, and please bear in mind I’ve already said in another post that he sometimes tells the agency no to work. He has one shift this week, and has been told for the new few weeks at least, there will be no shifts for him. If they need him they will contact him.

Yes, I know you've said that he sometimes tells the agency no to work – that's what I was referring to when I said 'it sounds as though there are plenty of shifts coming his way – he needs to take them up regularly.'

The fact that they're now saying there will be no work for him for the next few weeks at least is fairly likely to be connected to the fact that when they do offer him work he frequently turns it down.

Well done Nanny - your kids are so much better than OP’s.

Yes they are. And I'm very lucky. It's nature as much as nurture quite often.

But if they weren't, they wouldn't have got to 21 with me putting up with it.

@ Pictish
I can understand how she has hit that wall but seriously, the kicking him out all day is clutching at straws and straying into desperate madness.

And this we agree on. However I think a time frame to get a job and move out altogether is fair.

What do you suggest?

I suggest she provides shelter and food and nothing else and leaves him to deal with having no money for socialising, girlfriend, car, holiday, clothes etc until he works it out for himself. I wouldn’t put myself in knots trying to make someone else behave the way I want them to...you can’t force anyone to follow your agenda.
If he was 36 I would be far more concerned but at 21 he’s not that mature yet. It doesn’t matter what other 21 yr olds have managed to suss out by now - they all come to the realisation in their own sweet time.
Soon enough all his peers will be overtaking him and leaving him standing without two coppers to rub together. His girlfriend might well ditch him for a better prospect etc. THAT will likely be the motivator to sort his shit out and grow up - not sitting on park benches for hours on end.
I suggest playing the long(er) game and letting him learn through experience. Forcing his hand won’t work.

Nanny you’re a better mother than OP too! I can see a medal coming out and a round of applause.

I quite understand why you don't want to throw him out . It does seem a drastic step if you can avoid it.

However, your lock-out plan could work. It does make earning during the day more attractive.

If he is at home and not out at work, then really he should be spending some of his day working for your family. I mean that more of the chores should be his responsibility. (He shouldn't be 'helping you'.) Work is a fact of life - not an option.

You could insist that if he isn't doing work to earn money, then he must do voluntary work instead. (This would keep that discipline in his life and give him more on his CV)

It occurs to me that he is being passive about working and earning. Is this because he feels a bit despairing rather than just laziness?

It is hard to know how much help he needs - or will accept - but I'm guessing that having not done well at school and having dropped out of college and not having a job just now isn't making him feel good about himself.

Finding the job he needs might really be something you can help with even though he seems to be an adult.

Preparing the CV and the application could be too great a hurdle for someone who found school difficult. It is quite difficult for most people. I have known early 20s who are almost waiting for 'teacher' help on this.

This is a good time for resolutions. Perhaps you can discuss with him his choices and look with him at potential jobs - using those available - or those that need training.

Lay out with him what he could do. (Asking teens/twenties what they want isn't always very useful - they just don't know and can't imagine! Real adults can think more broadly.)

Could you sit with him and look at all the potential gains from each option? There is the money of course - and what a regular income of your own can help you get (this too might need spelling out) BUT there are other gains too. My very puny (and previously bullied) brother grew amazing shoulders after a season on a building site. At 20 I think that he valued this new fitness more than the regular money! A slightly star-struck friend went from working shifts washing-up and waitressing to being with an agency that worked big events. She earned the same money and her feet still ached but really loved dressing up and meeting celebrities. Working in catering is very hard but can leave you with amazing home-cooking skills and impressive ways with a knife.

I did ask my dad at what point I could expect to stop worrying about my own children. He looked at me and laughed!

I m going to pick up on something you said about his girlfriend. You said he was attending college but dropped out after he met her? How old is she? How much influence does she have over him if she's happy to stay in with him in a dirty room?
I agree he needs to get a job and move out in the future but she doesn't sound very helpful either.
Ok she has a job but that might not be a huge motivation to him if she moans about it.
Do you welcome this girl or are you a bit sick of her enabling his lifestyle? I would be.
Most young people of this age want to work, get savings and move in together without parents around.
He is slacking true but she doesn't sound so great either.

"Underneath it he's a lovely boy". I think not! An adult who speaks atrociously to his 12yo sibling is not lovely at all.
Give him one month to get a full time job or he moves out. Thats's the ultimatum; no compromises. If he doesn't bother to get a job start to pack up his belongings after 3 weeks to let him know you mean it.

As the mother of sons I agree that some tough love is needed . At 21 he is an adult . I would give him a deadline if 2 months to find full time work and point out very clearly that you don’t care if it’s s job he hates, deadens etc etc . After that 2 months I would still give him a room but would not allow girlfriend to stay at any time , Internet would be disconnected when I wasn’t there and I wouldn’t be buying his favourite foods. There are very few places where work is not available if you look hard enough. Time for him to start acting his age .

My friend gave her 19 year old twins a 3 month deadline, paid their deposit and first 2 months rent and left them to it. They’re 25 now and both managing really well, one is about to buy his own business.

I expect if he turns them down for work, they ill offer him less good work anyway.

It's hard to be really hard on your kids though, as you don't want to drive him away completely, do you? I think the problem is the sense of entitlement that some young people have, and the knowledge that there are no real sanctions.

I have an app on my phone I can suspend permissions for internet and if I can ever figure out how to I can put a time limit on it too so no net after 10 am etc etc he can job search at the library is he on UC?

Underneath he is not lovely - he is lazy entitled and workshy.

I’d give him 3 months max to find a job and a place to live, and then he’s out.

What outcome do you want and how do you think putting him out of the house during the day will help?
Realistically he's either going to go to friends, family, the library, museums, shops. They're the places available to him and most of them won't help with his job search.
I'm not objecting on principle to putting him out. I just don't see how it could be effective.

I agree you need to do something, unsure exactly what. While unorthodox I think your idea isn’t a completely awful one because right now the problem is it’s very comfortable for him at home and this would make it more uncomfortable/encourage him to get off his arse and go out into the world.

I would alongside this stop with the clothes washing though...I’d also make him contribute to food and bills.
And I would stop with all lifts... including hospital (which sounds harsh but he knows you’ll take him so can spank the cash for the bus on other things because you will pick up the slack)

Does he claim benefits or are you subsiding him? If hes's signing on as unemployed he will need to produce evidence of job hunting to get his benefits. If he turns down a job he can be sanctioned and lose his benefits, even if the job is totally unsuitable , My son was told to apply for a job as fully qualified beauty therapist even though he has never even bean in a beauty salon in his life.

On the evidence from the OP pictish

He has only ever don’t short term agency work, so is out of work for quite long periods. He doesn’t look for jobs and always waits for the agency to call him. When they call him at short notice ie about 7am in the morning to start at 10am he says no because they haven’t given him any notice, and even if they give him a call for a shift for the next day he sometimes says no because he just can’t be bothered or because his girlfriend is staying over

when we ask him to show us proof of the jobs he has looked for, he can’t because he then admits he hasn’t applied/looked for them.

He also never cleans his room, (it’s really disgusting) and generally is very disrespectable to us and his little brother (he is 12 and the way he speaks to him sometimes is atrocious )

He won’t go to college we have tried to talk to him about going back to college he just refuses

We have tried to get him to sit driving lessons, the instructor said he at that time was ready to pass his test, he just needed to sit the theory test, I have lost count how many times we paid for that and then we found out he wasn’t even bothering to turn up for the test.

and has a PAYG SIM card for his phone which I think his girlfriend pays if he doesn’t have any money.

he is actually a very confident boy but this is where I think he thinks the world owes him.

Bacially he just doesn’t want to work

the next thing will be to disconnect all the plugs in his room so he can’t sit in all day and play his PlayStation or computer or phone.

What is there to stop him plugging them all in in another room? You need to disconnect the wifi unless and until you need it.

I really don’t think imposing year 9 style punishments on a 21 year old man is helpful. It reinforces the parent-child relationship and won’t help him move forward.

I’m going to let some of you into a little secret. We don’t get the mature adult chip installed the day we turn 21.

FWIW I was an utter idiot at 21 and so were many of my friends. Others were rather more sensible at that age and seemed to have it sussed.
I grew up and got there in the end. We all did.

Strangers tearing him to shreds on the internet won’t change anything.

I read it Tatiana - but thanks.