To have fallen out with my brother today

[Iswallowtoothpaste]

My DB has a little girl’s whose just turned 2. We have a 5 YO DD who can be noisy, energetic and ever so slightly irritating at times but there’s no nastiness with her. She’s lovely and gentle with her little cousin.

My brother has been going through a hard time recently, he’s split with his GF who has gone back to her ex, fair enough, not the best of thugs to have to go through.

I’ve noticed recently that he’s been really quite short with DD. Sometimes it’s maybe called for example being if she’s getting in Dniece’s face a bit much but other times it feels like he’s snapping because he doesn’t like her.

If she tries to give him a cuddle he recoils - just recently I get the feeling that he absolutely dispises her.

Last week he’d snapped at her yet again so I’d snapped at him back and asked what his problem was. He said nothing and that he was just having a bad day so I reminded him that I wasn’t DD’s fault that he was having a bad day and that I wouldn’t dream of snapping at his little girl like that.

Today he came round again with DN. He changed her nappy as soon as he got here. DN was still laid on the floor and trying to pull her shoes off. DD went over and pulled her shoes off for her, we have a rule about no shoes in the house and DD was talking about this rule as she took the shoes off. My brother then walks back into the living room whilst DD is taking the shoes off and tells her to stop taking them off as he’s just put them back on. DD replies ‘but we have a rule that we’re not allowed to wear shoes isn’t thw house.’ I’m absolute mortified by what happened next, he grabbed my DD and plonked her down, pretty much from mid air with no care whatsoever, she stumbled back, didn’t hurt herself but it was the manner in which it was done. He had a face like thunder and it was quite aggressive like he couldn’t control his temper. He then snatched the shoes off DD and swore at her. I’ve told him to get out of our home. I wouldn’t dream of doing that to my own child never mind someone else’s.

I’m so upset for DD. After he’d gone she said ‘he hates me, doesn’t he?’

There’s no nastiness in her at all. She shares and plays nicely and is so gentle with younger children. Even her teachers have commented on how lovely she is with the younger children in the school.

I’m so upset and shocked by his behavior.

Have I done it? Thank you.! Incident at social gathering I would like to discuss

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Salem the OP asked if she should of fallen out with her brother. Not whether she should allow shoes on her carpet or her cattle to be near her house. Therefore, not relevant.

The UK isn't a third world country so your ramblings are still ridiculous. And i'm much more likely to get hit by a car than killed by a bull...not sure paddocks will contain a car tho 🤔 you have most definitely entertained us all with your nonsense tho Salem, thank you!

OP sounds like your mum needs help with his behaviour too. I'd be seriously worried about your DN too tbh. He sounds unstable for whatever reason

Is your brother mentally unstable or just an arsehole whose lifestyle is being facilitated by weak, frightened parents? You must be at the very least, resentful....

What a weird thread. OP, YANBU about anything. Sounds like your brother is deeply unhappy at the moment and taking it out on all and sundry, including your daughter.

I would love to have cows staring in my windows. But not goats. They have strange eyes.

DN doesn’t live with my brother. She lives with her granny (on her mum’s side) my brother only sees her once a fortnight with no over night stays - he had her yesterday because it was New Year’s Day. I would say he’s very rarely on his own with her and myself and my mum haven’t ever seen him get angry with her but that’s not to say that he is to be trusted. Do I get in touch with DN’s granny? Explain what’s happened and how we’re worried.

He does pay his board eventually. I think mum asks for it weekly but he pays it monthly which annoys her. My stepdad isn’t frightened of him - if it wasn’t for my mum, he’d have been chucked out already. They hate each other but at least I know that he can’t huet my mum if he’s there. Not resentful of him at all, I’m happy with where I am in life and he most definitely isnt!

Ah sorry didnt realise your mum had your step dad there too. That makes it a bit less of a worry.
Personally I would get in touch with your DNs granny, she needs to know imo.

It's so strange that you're being questioned. You did the right thing, you stuck up for your little girl.

He needs to sort his shit out because he will push his family away, and I'm sure at some point he'll need you.

I bet he was riddled with guilt when he got home- but that isn't the point- he should have been more mindful.

Good on you OP

There are no winners here, especially your poor DD. She needs comforting and protecting first. But your brother sounds very angry, he could do with some help. Would he access free talking therapy on the NHS?

Blimey OP, what a shit situation all round.
It is obviously totally unacceptable what your brother did and also to swear at your DD and I am in no way whatsoever condoning what he did but he sounds like he's having a major breakdown.

He can't treat you and your family like he is but he clearly needs help. Especially as he's regularly going out drinking now and then coming back and being aggressive.

Having said that, you and your mum can't physically make him seek help.

You previously said that he's usually placid and that you rarely see him but you've seen him twice in a few weeks now, so do you think he wanted to reach out to you for support (he's obviously messed that up big time by being so awful to your DD).

All I'm saying is there's obviously a reason for his change in behaviour and he obviously desperately needs some help and support.
I hope your DD is ok.

I think you definitely need to contact your DN’s grandmother. I would also consider reporting what happened to SS. Your DN is only 2 and should not be exposed to an alcoholic with severe anger issues without proper supervision. Ideally a contact centre.

I realise that you don’t want to get your DB in trouble, you love him and your niece. However unless you report what happened to your dd, you are risking your DB harming a vulnerable 2 year old, who cannot speak up for herself if he is being abusive. She needs you to be her voice!

You have absolutely chosen rightly with going NC! You have also shown your dd that you will put her safety first and that your db’s behaviour is unacceptable.

I have a db with autism and ptsd. He has struggled with anger issues related to ptsd, however he has never displayed them in front of my dc. He would not be allowed near them if he did. He is a fantastic Uncle, fun, kind and generous with them. There is NO excuse for the violent behaviour your brother displayed! Can you imagine he had thrown your dn from that height? Or if your dd had broken her wrist/ ankle.

Your brother has crossed a line, his behaviour is erratic at best and incredibly damaging to two vulnerable little girls! Please stay safe, if you report your dB to SS or contact your dn’s Grandmother he may turn his anger on you. Do not let him in, if he does turn aggressive again then contact the police!

I would also consider going via your DN’s grandmother for access to your DN. Poor little one has really had a rough start to life, with both her Mummy and Daddy being alcoholics, having to live with her maternal Grandmother and having a very angry and abusive Daddy. You could build a positive relationship with your DN independent of your DB.

You must tell her granny.

If your DM ever chucks your brother out (and she should) where would he take his DD on contact days? Doesn't bear thinking about.

Ok, so, I’ve had a phone call off my brother. He’s said that mum is over exaggerating, he has to take a breath test every morning at work and that it would be instant dismissal if he blew positive for alcohol. They’re also subjected to random drugs tests (I’m pretty confident that he’s never touched drugs). He says he enjoys a drink on a Saturday night when he’s off work Sunday and that he has come home and occasionally been aggressive which he admits isn’t acceptable no matter what has been done/said to make him angry.

I’ve told him that thanks to his behaviour yesterday, I’m also worried about how he would/will react to DN’s behaviour and explained that DD wasn’t being rude, he was simply asserting that we do have rules about removing shoes in this house. He then went on to say that he would never hurt his DD but my DD (and my DSD) irritate him immensely. He said he’s never ‘warmed’ to DD especially since she was born. I find that really quite odd. How can you dislike a newborn? I told him it was a pity about him and that I think the world of his little girl. If that’s the way he feels then I don’t think he can be around DD for the foreseeable. I respect that he’s been quite honest with me but this strikes me as something deeper than a dislike for a child who asserts herself/sometimes tries to push boundaries/can be annoying (as all 5YO’s can)
It’s actually quite worrying.

I’ve also rung DN’s granny just to make her aware. They’ll lived in the same house until DN was a year old and she said she never once saw him lose his temper with DN. He would happily do night feeds and remained calmer than her mum when she was crying and fussing. She said she always thought that when DB got himself a house of his own that DN would go and live with him because she was much better off with him than her DM. She also said that DN looks forward to going to see him and will grab her bag as soon as daddy is mentioned and wait by the door. She’s always happy when she’s dropped off by him too. She’s very wary now though, she said that she thought reporting him to S.S. was an overreaction.

The thing is, DN is going to get older, more of a grasp on language and know her own mind more at some point in the not too distant future. I can guarantee that DN will do and come out with much worse than DD did yesterday as she gets older, if he reacts like that to my 5 YO over something so trivial then it is a worry as to how he will react when his own DD started to answer back and defy him.

Hi OP, so is DB clear that he's not welcome at your house? Did he accept that?

I agree with you that his dislike of your dd when she was newborn was odd. How was your relationship growing up? Could he have transferred any resentment on to dd?

It's great to see someone take such decisive action to protect their dd, well done

I think it's better, if hurtful, that your B has been honest about his feelings. I would be low/no contact with him now. You absolutely did the right thing speaking to your niece's GM. If you hear anything of further concern you should talk to social care. As far as your brother goes, he is predictably projecting, denying and minimising the difficulties he's having. Time to step back. Your mum should not be enabling him and is harming, not helping him. I think you are handling a horrible situation really perfectly.

I will also add (not an excuse but perhaps a reason/explaination for this behaviour) that we had a strange relationship with our dad. He could be aggressive and we didn’t see him much (he was married to my mum but worked shifts and would often be gone before we woke up and not back until we’d gone to sleep). I remember dreading having to spend time with him. He was never very loving and used us and emotionally abused us both greatly when my mum and him split (I was 14 my brother was 12) an extreme example of the kind of man he was as follows: at 15 he asked me to nip to the shop 10 minutes away to get his paper, I can back home to find that he had attempted to slit his wrists. It was obviously a cry for help as he knew I would come home and find him but even so. We would both have to drag him back home in the small hours drunk.

It’s not an excuse at all but could perhaps explain the way he is sometimes. It had an affect on me so it must’ve had one on DB too.

This is the funny thing, we’ve pretty much always gotten on really well. There’s not been any animosity between myself and DB until last week. It’s a bit of a bolt from the blue really. We have been each other’s rocks at times.

DN’s granny said she’ll keep in touch with me - he has a good relationship with her and her husband.

He’s accepted that he isn’t to come to our house but that I’m still at the end of the phone to advise him or offer some help if he needs it.

My DP was absolutely raging when he came in from feeding up last night but I managed to calm him down.

Your brother hasn't 'warmed to' your DD since she was born? And he can't see how ridiculous that sounds?

This is entirely about him and his attitude towards you/your DD, and I would be very worried.

What kind of man takes an instant dislike to a newborn?!

Is he a jealous person at all? Is he possessive of your Mother and jealous of the love and attention that the family show your dd?

I think he has serious issues! It is not normal for a grown man to have such contempt for a little girl, particularly as he says it has been from birth! I’m afraid he would never be anywhere near my dd again! Your poor dd has picked up on his hatred of her and this would be enough for me to go NC for good!

Your dB may dislike girls and women who are strong and independent and dare to speak up or defend themselves. I think you are right, I would be very, very worried about how your brother will react when your dn gets older and pushes boundaries! I would be VERY, VERY concerned at the thought of your tiny niece living with him full time!

I would contact the nspcc for advice. You don’t need to take it further but talking to a trained advisor may help you decide whether to do so.

He actually told you that he has never warmed to your daughter?
I don't find that merely odd, I find it sinister that anyone would say that about a child to their parent.

from what you have said I would imagine your brother feels very resentful towards you because you have been more successful are happier etc I would suggest that in his mind your daughter symbolises you and he is taking out his anger against you on your daughter

this gets him two hits for the price of one because he hurts your daughter and he hurts you at the same time.

the newborn is an extension of you
he took an instant dislike to her because he already dislikes you and therefore it follows that he dislikes anything that comes out of you