To ask for a good comeback to "Oh you're from the Philippines! We have the most lovely Filipino maid/nanny/cleaner"

[Kalimotxo]

I'm from the Philippines, been living in the UK for 10 years, have a postgraduate degree in STEM, work in a large corporate business, earn £150k pa.

Not sure if I should take offence when people find out where I'm from, and the first thing they say is how they have (or had) the most wonderful Filipino nanny, maid or cleaner.

One of the people I got this type of comment from was the head of my department, at the end of a job interview (I got the job). I only smiled as felt I couldn't say anything back.

WhileI have complete admiration for Filipinas working in any field including caring and cleaning, I don't have anything to do with them at all. I don't know any maids, I don't have family who work as one of them (they are lawyers, doctors, teachers, businessmen back in the Philippines).

Do people with a Polish background get the same kind of comments? Or Latinas living in the US? Is it a racist or rude comment, even if the person saying it genuinely likes their help?

To be fair, the OP isn't adverse to a good old stealth boast.

And given she hasn't bothered coming back to the thread, this is probably just another one.

Or seeing thanswers on this thread, she has learnt exactly WHY she is getting that sort of answers.
Prejudice, rudeness and a sense of being ‘above’/condescending.

To be honest, a lot of the answers in this thread are shocking.

I’d invite people to read book about race [[https://www.amazon.co.uk/Longer-Talking-White-People-About/dp/1408870584/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=why+i+am+no+longer+talking+to+white+people+about+rac&tag=mumsnetforum-21&ie=UTF8&qid=1546363678&sr=8-1e]] for some eye opening reading.

Link again

this book on race

What about just saying "oh I wonder if they are from anywhere near me?" Surely the person is only trying to make conversation and be friendly? If I meet someone who has an accent other than round here I would always ask about where they are from as a starter to a convo.

Nah, my money's on stealth boast.

user I think your enthusiasm to meet anyone from your own country maybe varies on the challenges of the host country you live in and how many people who speak your native language.
When living in a developing Spanish speaking country I was delighted to meet anyone who spoke my language and couldn't give a stuff what their job was.
There is a fair amount of judging the worth of person by the job they do on this thread. People with professional well paid jobs aren't better people, more fun to spend time with or some how more worthy.

Sierra because you are assuming that people want the same thing than you - speak with people from your country.

I personally don’t. It’s not because they are from my country that I have more in common with them than anyone else. Speaking the same language doesn’t mean you have common interest and tbh is pretty boring when you have nothing to say to each other.

Assuming that everyone wants the same thing than you is patronising at least. If not racist if the prejudice behind that thought is ‘because as a British person, I ‘know’ that i want to speak to people from my country, then anyone from another country should too’

They're just making a connection
Not sure what relevance your bragging salary has either.

because you are assuming that people want the same thing than you - speak with people from your country.

That's fair enough but I don't think we should all assume the opposite either, i.e that no one who lives abroad would ever like to speak to someone from their own home country.

My UK friends and I are bilingual and have friends from the country we live in but really enjoy being together because of our shared culture, language and values. In my experience, most people are like us so wouldn't be offended about the situation described above.

Anyway, PP was shocked because of the mention of a nanny meeting her psychiatrist friend, not because she thought her friend is like you and doesn't like speaking to people from their home country.

Your last paragraph is ridiculous! Assuming that everyone wants the same thing than you is patronising at least Patronising? Trying to be nice by introducing two people who might get on well because of a shared culture is hardly assuming that everyone wants what you want!

To be honest, I find it more unusual that you don't think your psychiatrist friend could possibly want to speak to a nanny!
Social strata are not an exclusively British phenomenon. The Polish diaspora in the UK is quite large and very diverse, chances are that this psychiatrist friend is not dying for an opportunity to speak / hear Polish, and the nanny probably isn't either.
To me, it reads like a suggestion that this Polish friend will not be able to mix with other people / follow the discussion / have fun freely, and needs a company of someone with the same background who is in a subordinate relationship with one of the invitees (and will be "brought", as opposed to "invited").

My friend, a brilliant young black woman, once told me that one of the most unpleasantly "benign" racist environments she experienced was when she was one of only two black students in her posh sixth form. The other was a guy, and EVERYONE, including teachers, assumed that they are dating (in reality they barely spoke and could not stand each other). For no other reason other than that they both were black.

They're just making a connection

No its associating someone of an ethnic minority in this country with people in roles of lower status and rank than the person talking.

If it was just making a connection then sometimes the theoretical maid would be a doctor, a colleague or any of a range of statuses professionally. Its always a low status role.

Rather like women in STEM professions consistently being associated by men in their profession with note taking, HR roles, people facing roles and junior positions and generally being perceived as less capable than they are.

Me - I should probably tell my Indian GP about that lovely Indian bus driver I know from school, as they're both Indians. That's not condescending or racist is it?

Mumsnet- Nooo! It's absolutely normal and we're sure he'll be grateful you made the effort.......Unless he has a weird chip on his shoulder about bus drivers

So to summarise:-

a. when you meet a high status person from another country in a social setting you may only mention people who are also from country if they are of equal or higher status than the person you are meeting.

b. If you’re white you may not question the above and wonder why lower status people may not be mentioned because you just won’t get it.

Got it.

It is the stereotype of Filipino in domestic service being waved in her face, It's unneccessary and inappropriate.
Nope, it's no different from saying "My neighbour / sister in law / accountant is Filipina too". You are misreading the original speaker's intent and taking offence at something she didn't even suggest.

Me - I should probably tell my Indian GP about that lovely Indian bus driver I know from school, as they're both Indians. That's not condescending or racist is it?

Yes, let's all go straight to a completely different extreme to try to prove our points

If they were both friends of yours who had been living in the UK for a short period of time and maybe didn't have any other friends from back home, why wouldn't you introduce them if you thought they might get on/have shared interests?

chances are that this psychiatrist friend is not dying for an opportunity to speak / hear Polish, and the nanny probably isn't either.
How do you know that? I live abroad and know people living here from many different countries and most of them love the chance to speak to someone from back home. When I'm on holiday with my DH, he always starts a conversation with anyone he meets who is from his country too. Of course, there is no guarantee we will all be friends just because we're from the same country but there's absolutely no harm in being introduced!

They are actually trying to pay your nationality a compliment. Philipinos are well known for being lovely people.

Regardless of status you don't need to mention other people from the same country unless there is likely to be an introduction or meeting or at the very least a relevant anecdote told, this is especially true in a first meeting in a professional setting.

OP also knows lovely people from the Philippines and the UK. Should she pick some at random to mention?

ittakes

Have this award for most patronsing comment of 2019!!!! Congrats!!!!

Next you’ll be saying they all have gorgeous skin and their lil Asian babas are just so cuuuuuuuuute.

OP also knows lovely people from the Philippines and the UK. Should she pick some at random to mention?

Only if they’re in white collar employment obviously.

I’m caught, as shown on this thread, between being nice and not calling out clumsy, probably well meant, but lazy reductive stereotyping, and being snobby and looking down on people in service. Caffeine , thanks for articulating that about low status roles. Makes me think of Hidden Figures, I love that movie. I've not picked apart why I was bothered about those types of comments before, this thread has been enlightening.

I have always done (as many of you have suggested) the smile and move on approach. I can see there is probably no really good comeback, and I’m not about to get arsey with anyone who says this to me.

Pugwash1, that's a brilliant suggestion! Though I don't think I could deliver it well, I’ll probably only secretly think it. Elspeth and TheSpottedZebra, those are good points too, our population is huge, I can use that in conversation.

Contessa, I love that video! Queenie, thanks for the book recommendations, they sound interesting.

silvercuckoo, I feel for you! What did you say back? And I understand what your black friend felt.** Your comment about benign racism led me to this article: today.uconn.edu/2017/09/study-racism-rooted-small-things-people-say/

How do you know that?
Because there is around a million Polish people in the UK, more than Indian people in fact, so the example with an Indian GP / Indian bus driver is statistically spot on?

Got it.
A better test would be to substitute "Annie" with a person's nationality / ethnicity / any other characteristic you are confused about in this hypothetical conversation. If it does not feel right, just don't do it.

Person A: "Hi, I'm Annie, nice to meet you."
Person B: "Oh how cool, I know another Annie and she's cleaning my loo!"
Person A: "Eh oh... Ahmmm… Great!"

So, “oh my sister is called Annie, she works in finance in the city” is ok?

So, “oh my sister is called Annie, she works in finance in the city” is ok?
Does it sound OK to you? A little weird to me, because a completely irrelevant fact (Annie's occupation) is mentioned. If it was “oh my sister is called Annie, she also works in finance in the city, what a coincidence” - totally understandable.
I also love how many people on MN seem to be socially mixing with equal ease with both kings and vagabonds, and are completely oblivious to the fact that certain professions / life choices carry more social capital than others. If you really, genuinely cannot see the difference between, say, "I know another Annie, she's my doctor " and "I know another Annie, she washes my car", then you must be blessed with a very pure soul.

I cannot believe the number of intelligent, articulate MNetters on here who have explained, simply, and in great detail how this is racist stereotyping and the number of people who just don’t get it.
It’s like, “ah yes, I know your type, they are very useful and usually in positions of servitude to people like me”. There’s nothing wrong with cleaning/nannying etc but whole nationalities stereotyped as being in a lower paid, ancillary type profession to a whole other nationality? “Ah yes, very useful and smiley to me, those Filipinos! So cheap too, while I get on and earn proper money, they know their place.....what? You’re an actuary/nuclear physicist? Bloody Hell! I didn’t realise they had universities over there! I thought it was only us white people who did the thiky jobs while you all cleaned our bogs and looked after our children!”
This is exaggerated in order to demonstrate the subconscious bias and also to extroplate the internalised racism behind it.

"How nice for you, I had an English cleaner but she was lazy so I had to get rid of her. Impossible to find hard workers these days."