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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have a baby because I hate work?

252 replies

conniemary · 01/01/2019 09:22

It’s a slightly misleading title but I really think I want to be a parent. I’m 38 so not young!

I also hate my job, really hate it. And time on maternity would give me a much needed six to eight months or so away from it and hopefully I would be able to get another job afterwards.

AIBU?

OP posts:
RomanyRoots · 02/01/2019 19:27

At your age OP, I'd have left it too late,
You need to be getting on with it if you are going to conceive straight away.

zsazsajuju · 02/01/2019 19:42

If you really want to have a baby, I say go for it. I’m a single parent and it’s very tough (way tougher than my job has ever been and my job is demanding) but worthwhile too. Give it a try before it’s too late. You sound reasonably sensible and responsible as well as financially stable- a lot of kids do a lot worse.

Atthebottomofthegarden · 02/01/2019 19:55

I’d very seriously look into it if I were you OP. You’ve obviously thought it through.

TigerTooth · 02/01/2019 20:01

At 38 you need to do this NOW if you're serious - just go for it because you don't have time to wait. My friend did this and has gorgeous twins who are now 8 - not always easy on your own but do-able.

Esthersmummy77 · 02/01/2019 20:08

I've been on my own since I was 3 months pregnant and whilst I didn't plan it like that it has still been the best thing I've ever done. Yes it is sometimes lonely and often hard work but worth the joy my DD gives me a million times over. I say go for it. You are much more likely to regret not doing it than doing it. Good luck!

MadMadaMim · 02/01/2019 20:20

Maybe it would be best to separate the two very clear points OP

the most urgent one is that you want to have a child. forget everything else. you seem like a sensible, self sufficient, intelligent person. that's already in your favour! If you really want a child, you need to go for it. as you have said, 38 is reaching that age that it's gets more difficult to conceive and if you do, you and the baby will be at higher risk of complications etc.

go for it. nobody knows what's going to happen in their life when they have children. you could have an amazing job, partner, life and then it could all change.

as for the job, stick with it whilst working on your most important issue but at the same time, look around for something better suited. it could take you years to have a baby. are you going to stay in a workplace you dislike just because you may get pregnant?

Best of luck

ADropofReality · 02/01/2019 20:25

When I was young I had connections with blokes working in a railway signalbox; I was always told that the systems in a signalbox were put in place to be safe against any signalman who, for whatever reason, made a mistake or was overcome by sleep or illness, but I was also told the system was not there to be safe against the signalman who deliberately bucked it; indeed, that it could not deter against anyone who took the piss. There were some very good examples (you can find them on Wikipedia if you like; Conington South 1967 and Audenshaw Junction 1970) of people deliberately mucking with the system and bad results occurring because the system could not override those controlling it.

Maternity pay is the same; it’s not designed so someone bored with their job can get pregnant on the whim that it might take her out of her dull job. If you hate the job so badly get a new one.

ADropofReality · 02/01/2019 20:27

Maternity leave not pay.

RubyRoseViolet · 02/01/2019 20:40

I had a baby on my own. It was incredibly hard but I don’t think it was any worse than it was for many of my married/coupled friends who experienced lots of relationship ups and downs in the early months. If you know it’s down to just you it’s kind of simpler in some ways. Go for it if you want a child anyway. I totally understand your compulsion to take a break from work too. Having kids is exhausting but in my opinion it gets massively easier after the newborn bit. Wishing you the very best of luck.

Cardiganqueen71 · 02/01/2019 20:44

Jesus- it’s women like you with your attitude to taking maternity leave and sod what difference it makes to the company and other colleagues, who give women who genuine want children and to work a bad name.

RubyRoseViolet · 02/01/2019 20:50

So some women are “allowed” to have babies and maternity leave and some aren’t?! Millions and millions of people get pregnant every year by accident and in all kinds of difficult circumstances. Here’s someone who is really thinking it through!

Ohnotheinlaws · 02/01/2019 20:56

I have a 1 year old now but I got pregnant in a job I loved and went on mat leave. As I missed my job at the time I went back full time when LO was 5.5m. I soon realised my job responsibilities had changed in my absence and I now loathe my job. After not being able to find another job I decided to get pregnant with number 2 given that I love looking after my boy. It has felt like a long pregnancy as I'm doing something I hate (can't leave now or reduced maternity pay) but I have been getting my head down and I only have to endure 5 more weeks of my job and I'm going for a year this time! Considering not going back at all! It wasn't a hard decision for me but I have a dh who can support me, I already have my son so I know what I'm letting myself in for. I figured this time on returning (if I do) then my job couldn't be any worse than it is now and at least coming back from mat leave is a good way to negotiate reduced or flexible working hours on return ... I imagine maternity pay may not stretch far especially if you don't have a partner. I would check out your rights on your local maternity policy before you plan anything. Most of all though do what feels right for you and good luck X

Figlessfig · 02/01/2019 20:56

Go for it girl! My happiest days in my life were on maternity leave with my beautiful babies.
Yes, I was exhausted. Yes, I was up half the night feeding and changing nappies. Often I was still in my jammies, no food in the house, baby stuff everywhere, when my DH got home from work.
It was wonderful.
If it feels right for you, do it.

Vancitybrit · 02/01/2019 21:17

@conniemary Lots of sanctimonious catastrophising on this thread. Having a year off work (13 months inc. holiday off the back) was one of the things I couldn't wait for. It was amazing. I loved my DD so much. Night's were fine as even though she woke all the time to feed we'd just laze in bed the following morning and then go for play dates with friends from NCT.

I had 6 months full pay then 3 months stat so I saved throughout pregnancy and beyond to pay for the unpaid 3 months at the end. I had a paid month using up accrued leave then went back full time for 2 months with DD in nursery by work then resigned. I was offered an amazing once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to move to Vancouver for a new job which doubled my salary. I got relocation support from my new employer and as well as housing they helped me find a nanny. She's awesome and we communicate to take leave at times that work for each other. Sometimes I have to take an unpaid day off work if the nanny is sick but they have never raised an eyebrow because it would be unlawful to do so. I live in the city close to work and am home by 6pm every evening and work from home on Fridays doing 4 hours 8-12 then 3 hours 7-10 as we're international. I love my Friday afternoons and the nanny likes having them off.
I can count on the fingers of one hand the number of times she's been properly unwell and needed me to take time off but again I've used parental leave or made up the time in the evenings. My employer knows I'm good at my job and not shirking so they treat me with respect and I respect them for their attitude to working single parents.
I'm probably unusual but so are those who have had it incredibly tough. Without minimising their experiences which must be traumatic and stressful, it isn't the norm and shouldn't be a reason to not reproduce regardless of circumstances.
If I were you I'd be putting your plan in action. I've never looked back and feel like I have everything I could ever have dreamed of.

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 02/01/2019 21:31

I'd say go for it! 38 is leaving it a bit late already. My time with my DC were the best years of my life so don't waste any more time. By the way I know someone who did the same as you're thinking and everything worked out absolutely fine.

mylifestory · 02/01/2019 21:42

Just go for it, message me!

Enthymeme · 02/01/2019 22:10

So you have concluded that 9 months of pregnancy and 1 year of worry and losing 1000 hours of sleep would be better/easier than going to work?
Have a child only if you really want to have a child.

LishLish · 02/01/2019 22:22

I did it twice in fact. It was ok changed to a whole new career also, but I did have a partner and very supportive family so was an easier decision to make. The second time was a promotion at a new site, whilst on maternity leave so it’s doable. Good luck with whatever you decide

Trying44 · 02/01/2019 22:59

Having you considered running your own business from home as a childminder, if you work in the education sector this could be an option, that way there you could be the mother you desire to be and earn at the same time?

MummyofTw0 · 02/01/2019 23:10

So let me get this right...you want to have a baby because you’re not enjoying work????

What the hell????

Have a baby because you WANT A BABY!! It’s not something to bide your time with

Mutinerie · 02/01/2019 23:13

Not a serious response, I only read the title and I am really LMAO. Babies are work, so much work, so no don't have a baby if you don't like work!

Theluckynumberthree · 02/01/2019 23:14

Hi Op

I think your title perhaps put people under misconception from the go.

Basically you are currently in a new role which you are unhappy with. However, you would like to conceive a child but this means staying where you currently are the get maternity pay. If you change role then you were successful in getting pregnant you wouldn’t be entitled to maternity pay.
It makes perfect sense to have your baby when you feel ready- if you feel ready now then go for it.
You are in a job so can therefore afford a child ( by the sounds of it). Your gay so as you said- your options for having a child is the same regardless!! Allot of us have had a baby in a job we have disliked- just the way it happens.
But you are having a baby because you want to- whether you liked your job or not. But you can use your maternity time ( later stages when baby is 6 months plus I would say.. the first few months your like a zombie .. well I was) to apply for other roles. Nothing wrong with that at all.

Banana1979 · 02/01/2019 23:22

You won't be entitled to maternity work pay from your employer as you haven't been there 4 two years yet. You will get standard maternity benefit and if you are entitled to it which i suspect you will be housing benefit child benefit and child tax credits
You will need to make sure you can afford nursery fees for when you go back to work however as free hours in nursery starts from age 2 if you are entitled to it and 30 hours from age 3.
Other wise expect to pay about £900 a month minimum until child is age 2.
If you don't get back into work you will be covered by benefits so you will be ok. Millions of others manage and with 2 or 3 or even 4 kids and more let alone just one
Its a beautiful thing having a child..someone who will love you unconditionally and to have your own child you can love..i had mine at 36 and am now planning another at 39 and that'll be my lot. Everything works out in the end. You are 38 now if you want to be a mum do it but with open eyes
My friend had her child at 40 she paid for insemination as she has no partner. Shes fine.

Council will house you if your place does n oit accept housing benefit. Where there is a will there is a way. Good luck x

Vivianebrezilletbrooks · 03/01/2019 00:56

To be honest YABU. Take a short career break or change jobs if you can but having a baby just for this reason is not a reason at all. Lots of people jump jobs in short spaces of time for all kinds of reasons. I have read it's a growing thing amongst millennials. It's not viewed as badly as it once was.
I know of people who have had babies for the same reason or similar reasons to you so I guess I at least applaud your honesty, they weren't half as honest that that was why. But it isn't the right reason to,full stop.

Beanie3 · 03/01/2019 04:06

Being a good parent (the best you can be) will be the hardest days work you will ever do. Hardest day and hardest night.