To have a baby because I hate work?

[conniemary]

It’s a slightly misleading title but I really think I want to be a parent. I’m 38 so not young!

I also hate my job, really hate it. And time on maternity would give me a much needed six to eight months or so away from it and hopefully I would be able to get another job afterwards.

AIBU?

If it’s a misleading title, why post it?

If you want to change careers, do it. If you want a break from work, do it. If you want a baby, do it. But to suggest having a baby would give you some kind of benefit in your career is laughable. Deciding to have a baby for any other reason than because you want to have a baby is not the right thing to do.

I don’t know why people are trying to put you off. People have surprise pregnancies all the time and manage, you sound like you’ve put thought into it and are ready. I used maternity leave to reconsider my job/career.

It sounds like you have thought about this in depth, OP. Just wondered if you have family/friends around for your own support?
I would say yes start ttc but keep your job until you can move to a better one you like. Ttc might take a while so you have that time to get out of the horrible job and start a new one.
I was a young single parent though and worked in a job I loved. My parents were fully supportive so I had everything in place to go back to work.
However, don't underestimate the hormones and how shit you can feel after birth. My ds was prem and I used to leave him with my Mum, go to work and lock myself in the loo crying as I didn't really want to leave him. Bloody hormones.
Good luck, OP x

It also depends on how you plan to conceive and how long that will realistically take. Add that to the 9 months of pregnancy and think about working that while pregnant - I really like my job and had a horrible time with stress/anxiety, especially in the first three months when no one knew I was pregnant. Or do you think just knowing that you’re pregnant and preparing to leave will help get you through? It could take quite a long time.

I think your original post makes it seem like you’re perhaps more motivated by escaping a crappy job than you really are - I’m assuming you’ve thought through whether you should do this now/wait to see if you meet someone to have a baby with. 38 doesn’t give you loads of time but it’s not necessarily total panic stations yet. Have you looked into having a fertility test to get a bit of a steer?

You will hasten your job so so much more after having kids. I have always disliked work/studying but used to be capable of finding it interesting/fun. But after having kids I loathe it now. Currently doing an undergrad in a really interesting subject but it’s killing me. The commute, the contrast reading, seeing lots of people. I am just far to tired. Working/being a fully functional human being while being the primary care for young children is soul shatteringly exhausting.

So many people are mistaking the OPs reluctance to divulge what her job/industry is with her being poor at planning. It does sound to me like OP might be in teaching. If that is the case, it is pretty easy to find something else with the shortages. The holidays also help with childcare fees etc. Not much chance of redundancy etc. It could be in a similar industry to this which is why OP isn’t worried.
I think a lot of the scenarios people have put forward (even the more unlikely ones) are useful to consider. But OP is right, nobody has a child and considers all the endless possibilities. There would be no children. Whilst is is absolutely right to be aware of other people’s experiences, you cannot plan for everything.

I think that your (understandable) reluctance to justify where you will get family support from/how you will have the baby/what job you do is letting people make a lot of assumptions. Not criticising, just pointing out that only you know your full circumstances so take on board the posts that are relevant! I for one wish you luck!

@theothermum

Oh ffs with the 'having a baby is the hardest work in the world' brigade!

You will manage, OP. Thousands of single parents manage. A friend of mine was widowed when the baby was six months old and he was left on his own, without the support network and he managed.

Yes, of course it's hard in the beginning (in a sense that it gets easier every day), and having a year with a baby would be better than just six months but if you plan it well, you'll be ok.

If having babies was so hard there wouldn't he so many of them around ;)

FFS @conniemary please discard terrible, advice like this! ^

Having a baby alone, just to get out of work for 6 months is the most bonkers idea I have read on here for months! And hoping you can get another job in that time. Bonkers! As I said, why can you not find another job WITHOUT having a baby?! If you think trying to find another job while you have a baby in tow is going to be easy, and that employers will be falling over themselves to employ a single mother with a newborn, you are utterly deluded.

And where will you even get the sperm from? Just gonna go find a one night stand to shag? Some poor fucking bloke is going to become a father without even wanting to. Are you going to chase him for child support? Sorry but this is all seriously fucked up. This is a LIFE you are bringing into the world, and shouldn't be used as an excuse to get a few months off work! And 'i think i want to be a parent' and 'i will have a baby to get out of work,' sound like something a 16 y.o. would say!

And as a pp said, you will find it WAY more difficult to change jobs when you're tied down with a baby!

If the OP has good support I see no problem here.

She will be better off than those women with partners that leave them to do everything.

You’re a delight aren’t youNota? I actually meant being single rather than gay.

No you didn't. You specifically said if you were with a man. Not in a relationship. If you are going to accuse people of being homophobic, stand by what your convictions and have some proof.

If you don't like people disagreeing, that's fine. Don't ask for opinions.

I've never heard anyone say that parenting is easy, it's hard work ! Hard work for the next 60+ years if you live to be 80...

Whilst I haven't read in full every single post, I have read all of yours Connie

Interesting read. You talk of money, entitlements with work, career, time off, job prospects blah blah blah. Nowhere do you say how much you want to be a Mum and bring another human being into the world. It just seems like a good wheeze to stop working at a job you don't like. To fall back on having a baby because you can't be arsed to get a new job is not a good or right reason.

Forgetting all the work stuff, how strongly do you want to be a mother?

@redandyellowandpinkandgreen99 absolutely none of your business how/where the OP conceives. This isn't the 1850s!! Things have moved on with regards to conception...people don't even need to have sex these days you know 🤷‍♀️ Ever heard of donor sperm? It's anonymous and tested 🙄. Get down off your high horse and into the 21st century!

Perhaps you haven’t read the posts as thoroughly as you think rousette

From my OP I really think I want to be a parent

At 929 I do want to be a parent but as a single woman this is obviously a huge decision

At 939 I want to be a parent

At 944 The alternative is not to have a child at all which upsets me a lot

At 1017 if someone says to me Connie why didn’t you ever have a child I don’t want to say ...

I hope this has helped you

I know exactly how your feeling OP!

Firstly, just to mention, I wanted children before I started to hate my job so I'm definitely ready and wanting it rather than just trying to leave my job.

Currently trying to conceive actively this month. But last few months of not being careful too, every time I get AF or a negative test it always pops into my mind that it could take up to a year for a healthy couple.. that also means an up for another year in the most stress inducing job I've ever been in, I'm losing my rag with it, I loved my job for years, but now it's so stressful it getting me down and I can't leave because I won't get mat pay if I fall pregnant within 6 months.

I'm stuck in a vicious circle. Hoping I get pregnant soon so I can look forward to some time away from work. Then looking to career change afterwards.

Oh ignore the ‘how will you’ - it’s just bloody rude. I’d get that even if i was in a relationship and it’s best not responded to.

Great help yes thank you. I think your thread title is misleading but yes I did read all your posts which on the whole were centred on work not motherhood, I felt, but there you go

Read this - this is a thread from a poster who has a partner, and is still on the edge with a newborn

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3465854-Fucking-NYE

If you want to have a child, have a child - but don't think its going to be a break from work. You say you want a child, and maybe the timing is right, but its still going to be hard

I thought you must be a teacher- mat pay situation sounds familiar. For me, it depends how bad your job is. I worked in a nightmare school and left after a term (yet to see how badly that affects future job hunts) because it was just horrific. So I moved before pregnancy. I certainly couldn't have stuck it out there for eight and a half months (because I wanted as long as possible with baby) and school work, even at a good one, was horrible at 6+ months pregnant. I'm also very conflicted about going back to work, because I work Sundays and evenings from home as a teacher, and I'm currently using the evenings when baby is in bed (sometimes she doesn't go down until ten at night though) to be the person I was before baby. TV, books etc have to be squeezed in to that tiny slot. If I had to give it up to work, I don't know how I'd manage.

It's a toughie, OP. If you can make it to the end of a pregnancy in your current school, I say go for it. Schools sometimes improve over time, and a colleague of mine always said you have to pick your mat leave carefully!

If you are in a job where you work term time only, consider the placement of the summer holidays in relation to your pregnancy. I believe I'm right in saying they count towards the three months you have to work to avoid paying back mat leave as long as you go back before they start. I do plan to check that though.

Sorry if you don't teach, as this post then becomes largely irrelevant! Good luck with everything.

I think you should go for it. Start the process of TTC. The job stuff will sort itself out , you will sort yourself out with whatever comes, there is never a perfect time to have a child ..

Good luck xx

Some people here are very fortunate not to understand where the OP is coming from.

OP is 38, her age is against her as far as fertility is concerned. Applying for another job, getting it, starting it, and settling in would put even more time on the clock. Are posters here suggesting all women should be in a job for X years, work up the ladder, and then have children? Come on ladies, wake up. The world is far from perfect and there is never a 'right time' to have children. If we all lived by that mantra, 99.9% of people would never have one.

Many women have admitted to me they have taken jobs just for the maternity package, and started trying for a family immediately after qualifying. Others have said they had a baby rather than look for another job, as their job had started to bore them but they didn't want to 'start again' in a new job before having a baby. And then there are those that hate their jobs, but stay as they're planning to get pregnant soon, get maternity pay, and leave afterwards.

Of course, this only works if OP actually wants a baby, it would be ridiculous to have a baby just to get out of work. As someone who also hates their job, I can sympathise with where OP is coming from as yes a baby is very hard work, but working in a job you hate for people you hate is soul destroying. Work becomes your life and priority, so I can't blame OP for wanting to find another one.

If you’re a teacher, I sure as fuck hope you mean you hate your workplace and not your job.

That it may help my career in a roundabout fashion is another consideration.

Can you explain this?

I have to say, I sort of understand you want a baby before it’s too late, but a baby is so much more than a couple of months of not going to work! Going to work with a baby is bloody hard work. Having no partner to help will be especially trying.

When I went back to work-in teaching-I thought it would be fine because I’d have the holidays off. In my defence, this was a long time ago when teaching was nicer! It’s difficult and the only way I coped was having a DH with very flexible working patterns and parents locally who went out of their way to help with childcare.

The normal working day could be ok-drop child at childminder/nursery at 7-7.30 and collect at 6. Hope the baby sleeps in the evening so you can plan/mark. It’s when something different happens or things don’t go to plan, it gets tricky.

-ill child-nursery won’t take them and you are obviously expected to find childcare for them whilst you go to work. My DH or my parents have always done this-I have never taken a day off work for any of my child’s illness-it doesn’t go down well at all and wouldn’t be paid if I did. DH can take annual leave to do it which is not always idea, but has had to happen.
Parents evenings/meetings/concerts etc-nurseries won’t have them in the evenings, where will your child go?

Then in the future when your child starts school,
-inset days -it’s easy when they’re little almost to keep them in nursery, but when your school is working but their school isn’t five days each year-where will they go?
Snow days-the same issue.
Going to their own assemblies/sports day/plays etc-not easy to go to

If it’s a job where you can take annual leave without much notice, ignore what I’ve just said though!

Why do you hate your job so much? Have you been in the career for long?

You may want a baby, OP, but your question was AIBU to have a baby because I hate work. Which, to be honest, is one of the stupidest ideas I have heard.

A baby is for life, not just for a maternity leave. And it's incredibly exhausting, so perhaps the "much needed six to eight months or so away from it" would be worse than actually being at work.

If you loathe your work, find a new one. (I suggest reading the Ask a Manager site to get some very good ideas to do this). But being a parent should have nothing to do with that.

I think your thread title was misjudged OP and you've done yourself a disservice with the angle you chose to explain yourself and inviting some of these responses.

Having said that some of the responses are ludicrous and offensive.

I wanted to be a parent as a single woman. I now have DD who is 19m and thriving 'despite' having only one parent. It was all carefully considered and planned and done as safely as possible via reputable clinic and vetted donor. Having DD is by far the best decision I've ever made.

What a goady thread 

Attention grabbing title in AIBU - tick
Lots of arsey short replies - tick

It honestly sounds as though you're out for a fight from the above two points, and youre arguing as though you've already made your mind up.

Why did you start this thread? And why did you give it this title? Interested in your reply.