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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have a baby because I hate work?

252 replies

conniemary · 01/01/2019 09:22

It’s a slightly misleading title but I really think I want to be a parent. I’m 38 so not young!

I also hate my job, really hate it. And time on maternity would give me a much needed six to eight months or so away from it and hopefully I would be able to get another job afterwards.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Pachyderm1 · 01/01/2019 23:22

Surely the obvious solution is to find a job you don’t hate? Then decide if you want a baby after all.

AspieT · 01/01/2019 23:25

Babies are very very hard work. Change job if it is that miserable

greeneyedlulu · 02/01/2019 17:51

Why not? Maternity leave is a breeze, you get to relax all day, sleep in late, visit random places on a whim, spend time with friends concentrating on conversations over wine and chat long in to the night......
A maternity leave break is just what you need to get out of a job! SMH!

MissB83 · 02/01/2019 17:54

I love my DS more than my own arm but I have never been more exhausted in my life than I am during maternity leave. I'm looking forward to going back to work for some peace and quiet during the day. Smile YABU.

MissLanesAmericanCousin · 02/01/2019 17:55

I have never believed that creating a human being for the sole purpose of fixing a problem should ever be adhered to. It always ends badly. If you hate your job so much, find one that you do like. Don't use a child to solve your problems, it's extremely selfish imo.

MissB83 · 02/01/2019 17:56

That said I am also a (very happily) single Mum and if your situation is you really want a child as well as hating your job then go for it. I have appreciated doing something different from my work for a year and being with my child, I felt in a rut after 10 or more years of working and being single.

Pinkerbells · 02/01/2019 17:56

If it's any help, I'm 38, pregnant and hate my job. Completely unplanned and unexpected (Told we couldn't conceive). Anyway my job is 10 times harder now I'm pregnant. Not only do I have to go to a job I hate and mix with certain people I would quite happily punch, I have to do with with crazy hormones and absolute exhaustion. Seriously would not suggest it as a way to get time off work. Change your job or career. Much easier Wink hope that helps

roundaboutthetown · 02/01/2019 18:03

I think the biggest risk, conniemary, in staying in a job you hate for the maternity pay, is that you may find it harder to leave than you anticipated, and the job would seem even more unbearable if you felt trapped in it because of your baby. On that basis, it would be safer to find a job you are happy in, first, and then have the baby. Only you know the job market for your profession, though, and how easy it may be to switch employers at the same time as getting used to parenthood.

BoomBoomsCousin · 02/01/2019 18:04

If you want to have a child then, at 38, it makes sense to have one as soon as possible. If you qualify for enhanced maternity pay at your current job it would probably not be that sensible to try and find another job first where you would have to wait some time before qualifying for enhanced maternity pay.

So getting pregnant now in your current job sounds prudent from a planning a baby and work perspective. But you are talking about it as a way to get out of a job you hate and that doesn't sound realistic to me. You are unlikely to get pregnant straight away so you would be trying for months, maybe a couple of years, and then have 9 months of pregnancy - all of which time you will need to stay in with your current employer to continue to qualify for enhanced maternity. The getting pregnant taking time isn't a one in a hundred "what if", something like one in three women at 38 don't get pregnant for more than 2 years of trying.

Trying for a baby is likely to keep you stuck in your current role for quite a while rather than being an escape from it. YANBU to want to try for a baby now, but YABU to think of it as an escape from a poor work situation - it's not likely to go the way you hope.

minipie · 02/01/2019 18:04

I intended to find a new job shortly after DC. In the end I stayed for years because I was just too exhausted to look for a new job (I knew I wouldn’t be an attractive candidate) also I’d been given a part time deal by my employer and knew I wouldn’t get that elsewhere.

CatkinToadflax · 02/01/2019 18:08

@conniemary

Upthread a PP asked you what you'd do if you went ahead and had a baby and it was born premature or sick. Your reply was:

Then I give birth to a premature and sick baby who needs extra care. What do most people do in this situation? I imagine most people work out what their child needs and works something out around that.

I totally understand that you haven't yet been in this situation, and hopefully never will be, but your reply indicates that you completely, massively underestimate the effects of having an extremely premature or sick child. My DS1 was born 4 months early. I had to resign from my job as he was far too sick for any nursery to take him, not that I would have trusted them with him anyway. I couldn't work at all until he was 18 months old, and then it was very part-time, and only because my amazing DH can work flexibly around DS's needs. He is now 13 and still needs a huge amount of care compared with other children his age. He is fabulous but it takes up every hour in the day and is relentless.

I have a good friend who decided to have a baby on her own. She had twins. They both have complex special needs and are now aged 11. She hasn't worked since they were born because it's impossible for her to hold down a job whilst juggling everything that goes with having one child with special needs, let alone two. They get by. Just.

I actually have a lot of admiration for you for seriously thinking of having a baby on your own, but you must consider what would happen if for some reason you could no longer work. Would you manage financially and would you manage emotionally?

minipie · 02/01/2019 18:09

Having said that...

To be blunt, you are 38 and reliant on sperm donation/assisted conception rather than a partner. You may not get pg very easily. If you really really want a baby you need to forget all thoughts of what is best for career and just get on with it now.

Bettybeautiful28 · 02/01/2019 18:12

Good luck to you with it. I guess work is something that is easier to resolve in some ways than having a child where you are dealing with all sorts of biological factors that you may have little control over.

I’ve been in a job I am unhappy in for over 2 years waiting to conceive (hanging on for the maternity pay etc but I haven’t conceived). Something to consider. I’m
39.

It is much easier to change jobs before children - you just have more energy and space to think than you will ever appreciate.

I stayed in my current job when pregnant with my first as I thought I’d have the ideal hours, maternity pay etc (even though I wadn’t Happy). They reorganised when I was on mat leave and the hours, agreed shifts etc changed anyway.

Have you calculated how much your maternity pay would be? The figure might be different to what you imagined.

All the best. Let us know if you come to any conclusions.

Barbie222 · 02/01/2019 18:12

I'd like to add that if you are a teacher (especially primary) and a single parent work isn't any kind of a break, just more of the same. Maternity leave passes very quickly and then you're into 7.30 till 6 childcare and still having lots to do in the evening. Not many people stick it out full time tbh.

Wineallthetime · 02/01/2019 18:17

Change your job first, baby second. I had a very demanding job, quite high up that I hated. Was so so much harder going in pregnant, exhausted, vomiting continuously and in pain (I had lots of hip and back pain, was in agony for the last 8 weeks and was signed off and vomited until 28 weeks). If your assuming your pregnancy will be a breeze you need to imagin doing your job you hate feeling the worst you’ve ever felt in your life. I had not a clue it was possible to feel that terrible for that long! Everyone else I knew breezed through pregnancy.

Also doing your job with a child will completely change how you do it now. I found my role impossible due to my exhaustion (my husband goes away for work and I have no family to help close by). I stuck it out for the 10 weeks I needed to so I didn’t have to pay my maternity pay back and left for another less demanding job with better hours. I definitely did things the harder way round and wished I’d sorted my job first as those 10 weeks were hell. The jobs not going to change but you will when you become a mother whether you like it or not! I’d definitely sort the job first.

lalafafa · 02/01/2019 18:17

have you thought about adopting a child?

ShesABelter · 02/01/2019 18:23

If you have cash for it then go for it..I would if I were you but not due to the job due to your age. If you want children you might as well start the process now if you need to get a donor etc.

Havana7 · 02/01/2019 18:24

Well I would go for it OP. I was 34 when I was lucky enough to fall pregnant and I also was in a job I hated. I was made redundant whilst on maternity leave so had no other option than to find a new role afterwards. Once you have a baby everything else seems insignificant so you might find that you can cope better with your current role as you just won’t let it get to you like it does now. There is never a right time to have a baby but if a baby is something that you truly want then you will make it work

Grace212 · 02/01/2019 18:30

OP if you separate the work issue - are you set financially? That's the main thing surely.

StarB3 · 02/01/2019 18:37

Who are you planning to have a baby with?

RomanyRoots · 02/01/2019 18:48

Have a brood and give up work, it's brilliant!

toxic44 · 02/01/2019 18:54

Is it fair to have a child, to make it live with all the difficulties life can mean, in fact to foist life off on another human just because you hate your job and want some time off? That makes you sound pretty selfish. Stop thinking about yourself and think what you are suggesting. A child that says, 'She only had me because she hated her job.' And to do it on your own? Where is the child's welfare in your plans?

MaybeMaybeNotJ · 02/01/2019 19:10

Go for it. You won’t regret having a child but might regret not trying.

Yes it’s hard but so is a high stress job. Plus you don’t love a job like you love a child. Also babies sleep a lot in the day so you can game plan

Good luck!

MaybeMaybeNotJ · 02/01/2019 19:12

Also I really think people should read the thread 🙈

RidingMyBike · 02/01/2019 19:23

I was pretty fed up at work when I eventually got pregnant (TTC took 3.5 years) and was absolutely desperate to go on maternity leave and get away from work. The first six weeks of annual leave/maternity were amazing. Then I had the baby. After that it was grim. I had problems feeding her, I ended up with post-natal depression. I didn’t even like her much for months. I used to lie in bed feeding her and fantasise about being at work.

Things did improve but I wasn’t completely happy until I returned to work and got a break from DD for three days a week. I think she’s the most fabulous thing ever now but I also realised I like being at work too!

So, can you change the job? And do you really want a baby? I have a supportive DH and it was still tough having a baby.