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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have a baby because I hate work?

252 replies

conniemary · 01/01/2019 09:22

It’s a slightly misleading title but I really think I want to be a parent. I’m 38 so not young!

I also hate my job, really hate it. And time on maternity would give me a much needed six to eight months or so away from it and hopefully I would be able to get another job afterwards.

AIBU?

OP posts:
ShastaBeast · 01/01/2019 12:04

Baby because you hate your job is a terrible idea. Baby because you want one, and the change/time could help give you perspective as an added bonus, fine. However, retraining is hard with a child, just coping is hard and doing it alone is bloody terrifying.

Others have done it before you. I met someone who did when my eldest was born. Having one child is much easier than two plus. However the maternity leave bit can be the hardest part after your first. You won’t have much time or energy to think about your career options. You may get PND or have a child with SN. It’s a gamble but only you know if it’s worth it and you can cope with what parenting may throw at you.

Schuyler · 01/01/2019 12:04

What did you want from this thread? Not being arsey, I am genuinely asking. It sounds like you’ve made your decision which is fine. Having children is an inherently selfish act but yet, so many of us do it.

ChodeofChodeHall · 01/01/2019 12:09

So you're single and you've decided to have a child, good for you. So why not start a thread to that effect instead of dressing it up with a deliberately goady title? You'd get a wealth of helpful responses if you asked the right questions.

Darkautumn · 01/01/2019 12:09

How will it "help your career in a roundabout fashion?" Confused

ginghamstarfish · 01/01/2019 12:11

Don't you think there are enough unwanted and unplanned babies born already? What if you find you 'hate' being a single parent - what's the next course of action?

M3lon · 01/01/2019 12:19

lol - just no OP...a world of 'no'.

You don't need a baby to change jobs...in fact it is far easier to make a career change without one.

Also being a parent isn't for everyone...or possibly even the majority of people. Its hard work with no gratitude...a high proportion of drudgery type work and the always fun possibility of being seriously physically or mentally damaged during childbirth.

I thought I hated my job till I became a parent...then I realised just how blessed I had been....

Platypusfattypus · 01/01/2019 12:41

Parenting has been tough, I’ve suffered with mental health exacerbated by pregnancy and birth, I’ve had to scarufice things, it’s inpactsd on my physical health. But I bloody love it, my kids have made me View life differently and I genuinely love seeing them grow up and develop their personalities. I’ve taken pride in their achievements. But reading the majority of replies on this thread would have put me off having kids.

If you want a baby, and can offer them a good life then go for it. You are getting a loaf of unecessary flack. Hope the job situation changes too, yes it’s difficult but it’s not impossible.

Platypusfattypus · 01/01/2019 12:43

And I loved mat leave. I went to different groups where I met other mums and it actually got me into a whole new career through helping other mums. I retrained after my second was born (again very very difficult but I did it).

Theunsungsong · 01/01/2019 12:49

As a terminally single lesbian, how are you planning to conceived?

Sperm donor? I thought there was a shortage of donors through regulated clinics, and the freelancers all look a bit dodgy.

Are you considering co-parenting with a gay friend?

What happens if it takes a long time to conceive, you will be stuck in a job you hate with no end in sight. You really need to think this through.

MirriVan · 01/01/2019 12:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MirriVan · 01/01/2019 12:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ThatThingYouDo · 01/01/2019 13:06

OP any problems you are currently having will only get harder with a baby.

You're single and in a job you hate and want to leave. Adding a baby to that mix is such a recipe for disaster!

I would get the job situation sorted first then look into the intricacies of conceiving alone, which will not be easy either.

I just think you're going to make things so much harder for yourself, and any child you may end up conceiving.

Blablaa · 01/01/2019 13:24

OP you sound like a very sensible well reasoned person. I think you should go for it.

I can’t understand why people are throwing what ifs at the OP, what does anyone else do in those situations? Once you have made your mind up and are committed to having a baby because that’s what you want and presuming you have made reasonable plans then just like anyone else you should start ttc.

What happens if a couple break up right after a baby is born? Or a family have to deal with illness, bereavement and more after a baby is born?
You just can’t plan for every eventuality as long as you’re not careless about it and you’ve made sufficient plans then that’s fine.

Jellybabie3 · 01/01/2019 13:37

I agree with a PP. I dont particularly enjoy my job but it pays well and the hours are great for family life. Me and DH wanted a baby though and ttc. But then I spent maternity DREADING going back, counting every day, feeling like I was walking the plank. I have now been back 2 months and its no easier leaving my son. And I was lucky and got a new more suited job to return to thanks to a company reorg.

What I am saying is the job issue wont go away just because you have a break. It just gives you even MORE reason to not want to go back.

I do want another baby now and yes I will like not being at work. BUT. My God its difficult being at home too. Dont underestimate that. It is tiring beyond all belief, very lonely, and sometimes you feel like you are living groundhog day and crave stupid things like a hot cup of tea or going for a wee without a baby on your lap or howling in the other room.

Seriously, look for a new job first if you can.

tryinganewname · 01/01/2019 13:48

Believe me, if you don't want to go to work now, you definitely won't after maternity leave.

I have a well paying, completely flexible and great pension public sector job that I enjoy - do I want to go back in 4 months? Absolutely not.

Holidayshopping · 01/01/2019 13:52

OP-are you ever coming back?

What is it about your job you don’t like? How long have you been doing the role?

MummEE2 · 01/01/2019 14:20

If you hate your job now you'll more certainly hate it more once you have a baby! It will be either that you won't want to go back as you'll enjoy being a parent (but financially will have to) or you might get PND as it's very common and feel trapped at home and work wise. I can't even imagine what being a single parent to a newborn would be like (super difficult unless you have a brilliant support network of helpers). Having 2 parents for this job would be ideal to ensure you don't lose your mind alone with the baby 24/7.

No guarantees a better job will come along whilst you're on maternity.

6 months actually passes very quickly. I had planned to take 6 months maternity when I was pregnant. Now my baby is 2 months old I'll do my best to have at least 9 months off.

ReaganSomerset · 01/01/2019 14:40

Sometimes you feel like you are living groundhog day and crave stupid things like a hot cup of tea or going for a wee without a baby on your lap or howling in the other room.

Totally agree. I miss showering without having to play peekaboo around the shower curtain.

Poppylizzyrose · 01/01/2019 14:48

I’d say don’t for one minute think having a baby is the easy option.

I’m actually lucky with my newborn and get to watch bit of tv now and again, between 12 nappy changes a day, barely any sleep, not being to go out over Christmas or new year.

I’ve never put these kind of hours in at a job. Mines also healthy and gaining weight without reflux or colic. What about one that cries for hours in pain for 3 months...or o e that’s sick on themselves and you every time you feed them, plus all the crying.

Not an easy job. Grin

TatianaLarina · 01/01/2019 15:20

If OP had written a thread: ‘AIBU to have a baby alone at 38’, most of the replies would have been GFI with various caveats and warnings.

This is AIBU though and posters usually interface with the title in the most superficial and arsey terms.

Tistheseason17 · 01/01/2019 15:38

I am reading how much you want to be a parent, OP.

My sister is an intentional single mum in a professional job and she copes just fine.

It is doable. And, you're right about the age issue - time is pressing.

The work things is actually a red herring. Whether you are happy/unhappy there, time is ticking by so go for it.

Every employer knows that someone may or may not return after mat leave as having a baby can change priorities for people.

Just do it.

Camsie30 · 01/01/2019 20:39

@conniemary go for it. I had my daughter when I was 37 on my own using donor sperm and am expecting my second next month. I have a pretty "big" job and work full time, I'm incredibly lucky to have amazing family support and the resources to afford childcare. Work is work. Family is everything. Having my daughter is the best decision that I ever made, I'm happier than I ever thought I deserved to be.

Rosered1235 · 01/01/2019 21:12

I think you’re massively underestimating the impact of a child on your career, particularly when you are the sole earner and not in a secure job. No you won’t need to disclose the fact you have a child to future employers but believe me you will need to. You’ll need flexibility from any future employer to some extent.

That said, if you want a baby then time is ticking at 38....

KarmaStar · 01/01/2019 21:38

A baby is not something you can use to prop up ailing areas in your life op.when you've had enough you can't just give them back.who would you support you both?would changing jobs be a better alternative?babies are an awful lot of hard work ,24/7.
Do you have any family of friends with babies so you've some idea of the work and commitment(and deep love and joy)a baby is?
Good luck either way I really hope you are a lot happier soon!Flowers

Butteredghost · 01/01/2019 22:38

Go for it Connie. I also don't get the what ifs. How could anyone have a baby if they thought like that? I'm married and have a job, can I have dc? What if I have SN triplets, I get fired and my husband dies? Should I get sterilised just in case? Like you said it's good to think through these things, when you're going it alone even more so. But there's never a perfect time and situation to have dc.

I think the fact that you are single isn't that bad. Daily on mumsnet I read threads by women who are with vile abusive men and have several dc and are pregnant again. Now that's a bad situation. By comparison your life is a dream for a kid to be raised in.

I don't think your thread title is that ridiculous because as pp points out, many people choose to have a baby because as well as just wanting one, they have reached a natural point of transition and want to shake up their lives - in many different areas, career, socially, lifestyle. Which is good, because the people who want their lives to continue exactly as before are usually the most unhappy.