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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have a baby because I hate work?

252 replies

conniemary · 01/01/2019 09:22

It’s a slightly misleading title but I really think I want to be a parent. I’m 38 so not young!

I also hate my job, really hate it. And time on maternity would give me a much needed six to eight months or so away from it and hopefully I would be able to get another job afterwards.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
conniemary · 01/01/2019 10:31

You’re a delight aren’t you Nota? I actually meant being single rather than gay.

It is prudent to consider what ifs. However I cannot possibly consider every single possibility that might befall me and my child and plan accordingly.

And if I did something else would happen anyway!

OP posts:
GemmeFatale · 01/01/2019 10:32

I’m assuming you’d be thinking about private IVF. I’m (finally) pregnant from IVF. Even if you start the process today you have six months before you’ll be pregnant, and that’s assuming you’re successful first or second time around (not a solid assumption at our age). My referral was around Xmas, first appointments in the Feb and March, first stim June, first egg collection and transfer July. First round failed but I had Embryos left. Second round was meant to be August but I needed a longer prep so September. I got pregnant and it was official in the October. And all things considered that was a quick couple cycles. Even if you absolutely sail through the medical stuff (most of us don’t) you still have to wait for the clinic and your body to cycle. Realistically you’re looking at six months for each try and you need to be prepared to try three cycles.

If you want a baby it’s time to set that in motion, but don’t let it stop you changing your work life right now. Clinics can wiggle a transfer a little later if you need that to make the money/leave work.

Original poster
conniemary · 01/01/2019 10:32

Thanks Northern along those lines, yes Smile

OP posts:
Sarahandduck18 · 01/01/2019 10:33

I had a baby when I had a job I hated and didn’t want to go back to.

I spent mat leave (£140pwk so depleted me of all my savings) job hunting and found nothing.

Then I was made redundant...

I could then only apply for jobs I could commute to between strict nursery hours of 8-6 which is very restrictive.

Ended up being unemployed and in poverty for ages.

Also had PTSD/PND, nightmare baby and had a miserable couple of years.

It was just endless misery and drudgery.

I missed work even my crap job so much.

Dont wish the grass is greener.

At your age you can’t delay having a dc but don’t assume you will go back to work at all.

trojanpony · 01/01/2019 10:33

I think you sound like you really want one so I’d say go for it as long as you are prepared for to deal with a SEN child etc solo.

The only reason I would consider moving job first is my friend did a similar thing (she hated her job) she’s returned and now her job is 4 days a week. She really missed her child but she is a bit stuck in terms of moving as she is past the two years point and her job is secure and her husband has been made redundant and she is utterly hating it....

WhatsUpHun · 01/01/2019 10:34

having a baby to get out of a job, is like having a baby to keep a relationship going! completely wrong.

Have a baby because you want a baby, not because you want a break from the workplace

Equimum · 01/01/2019 10:35

Our friend had a baby on her own in fairy similar circumstances (i.e she hated her job). Although she’s very happy with her little girl, the job side hasn’t been so great as she ended up stuck in the job she hated. She diesn’t Have much support around her, so needs to take all the days off when her little one is sick etc. She also hasn’t been able to find a job as close to home, so four years on , she still feels like she can’t change jobs.

Sometimes people change jobs quite quickly, and as long as it’s not a recurrent theme, I don’t think it normally makes a huge issue (industry dependent perhaps).

happymum12345 · 01/01/2019 10:37

Don’t be daft! Find a different job that you like. Having a baby is the hardest but loveliest thing in the world, but hating your job is not the reason to have a baby.

redandyellowandpinkandgreen99 · 01/01/2019 10:38

I literally cannot see one ounce of common sense in what you're planning OP. Not an ounce.

Having a BABY to get out of work for 6 months? Batshit! Confused

AloneLonelyLoner · 01/01/2019 10:38

Have a baby. I hated my job, went on maternity leave, got a new job when I had been back a couple of months, by which point I had been at my shit job for 3.5 years. Do both. You want a child and you want a better job. Go for it. But start now!! 2019 will be your yearSmile

redandyellowandpinkandgreen99 · 01/01/2019 10:41

@AloneLonelyLoner

Have a baby. I hated my job, went on maternity leave, got a new job when I had been back a couple of months, by which point I had been at my shit job for 3.5 years. Do both. You want a child and you want a better job. Go for it. But start now!! 2019 will be your year. Smile

Confused

Could you not have just got another job without having a BABY? Confused

As I said, batshit. And terrible advice to fire at the OP.

Lalliella · 01/01/2019 10:41

You only live once. If you really want a baby then a toddler then a child then a teenager then an adult who will share your life forever, then go for it. It doesn’t matter how they come into the world, all that matters is they have a parent who loves them. And if the timing is right, well what are you waiting for?

BikeRunSki · 01/01/2019 10:42

I can see the urge to have a baby sooner rather than later if you are 38 and really want to be a parent. But at the end of maternity leave you’ll have a baby and still hste your job,

londonrach · 01/01/2019 10:42

Financially you have to be able to afford not working. Its a killer.

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 01/01/2019 10:46

so how are you planning to conceive if you are not in the relationship?

I think yabu, your having a child for all the wrong reasons.

theothermum · 01/01/2019 10:49

Oh ffs with the 'having a baby is the hardest work in the world' brigade!
You will manage, OP. Thousands of single parents manage. A friend of mine was widowed when the baby was six months old and he was left on his own, without the support network and he managed.
Yes, of course it's hard in the beginning (in a sense that it gets easier every day), and having a year with a baby would be better than just six months but if you plan it well, you'll be ok.
If having babies was so hard there wouldn't he so many of them around ;)

MummaGiles · 01/01/2019 10:49

There are lots of articles out there about women who have chosen to have babies alone, by donors. Apologies that the link below is from the Daily Mail (boo!) but I vaguely know one of the women featured so picked this one out:

www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-1251803/I-chose-baby-father-brought-huge-joy--chaos-exhaustion-despair.html

purpleelk · 01/01/2019 10:49

“I know Matilda but there’s definitely a difference between having sensible backup plans and talking yourself into a frenzy (I don’t mean you!) but with endless ‘what ifs’.”

Do you have a sensible plan? Because what you shared with us isn’t sensible and the responses are pointing out all the ways it isn’t. You don’t mention any support network, long term planning, savings, and are just focused on a gap in a CV and hating your current job. If it’s so easy to get a great job, then go get one now. If it’s so easy to be a single parent and you’ve enough savings to put a roof over both of your heads if you lose your job, then why are you focused on enhanced maternity pay?

Nothing sensible or very smart coming across in your posts.

Sugarformyhoney · 01/01/2019 10:50

Tbhnif you want s baby and a career break then why not combine to the two.
I found mat leave much easier than working, even though I was on my own most of it. Best thing I ever did and it gave me the chance to revalute my next steps. In my situation the baby was unplanned but very much wanted. I was also much younger.
You rarely regret s baby, OP.

Ethel36 · 01/01/2019 10:50

I wouldn't have a baby because you hate work! It is truly hard work especially as a single parent. Look for a different job. Retrain into something that makes you feel happy. You have all the time you need and no constraints to make it happen.

MummaGiles · 01/01/2019 10:50

Oh I take that back - wrong article!

sparklebumfluffybutt · 01/01/2019 10:51

I actually think this makes sense. I can be quite impulsive at times and this has definitely meant my life have been a bit 'different' for want of a better word and things can be very challenging sometimes but I am very happy overall. Becoming a mother was (and still is) a source of great joy to me. There have been times when it is very overwhelming (one child with ASD and another possibly so) and it has been tough but I became a parent at quite a young age. You at 38 know yourself far better than I did at 21. It is utterly life-changing and you do have to give up a lot of freedom but like you say - are you going to explain in your old age that it just wasn't ever the perfect time?

I have noticed as well that people do often have a baby in a natural lull or time of transition. I don't get the sense that you would really be having a baby to get out of work. Like you point out there are logistical issues around getting pregnant in the first place so this will take some effort anyway.

As for your career, I have just returned from mat leave to the best role of my career so far (I do have a husband who is now at home during the week though). With one child though it would be a lot more manageable to do this by yourself. And you may very well end up in a relationship in the future again and this would mean more support.

Happy New Year!

SPR1107 · 01/01/2019 10:51

I would think of the job and the baby as two different considerations.

Just bare in mind, a lot of children get poorly when they join nursery because they're building their immune system, it was nearly 2 months of something every single week with my DS.

Childcare for just 3 days a week for him is £750 per month also.. another thing to consider.

By all means do it, but I would weigh up every single consideration, and cost first.

AromaticSpices · 01/01/2019 10:52

There's no shame in looking for a new job so soon, unless your cv reveals you make a habit of changing jobs every few months which would obviously be a concerning pattern for an employer. It's perfectly valid to say that the role wasn't quite what was sold to you, that the role was different to what you applied for.

Don't have a baby just to get out of the workplace. Find a new job instead. You can always begin the process of TTC in six months once you're a month or so in to a new job. You may not get an enhanced mat leave allowance but the stat gov allowance is decent.

Babies are bloody hard work (especially I imagine on your own, I found it hard enough with a helpful DH at home) and can zap any energy for anything else, like changing jobs/proving yourself in a new role even if the baby is 1/2yo.

If you hate your job that much now, imagine when you have to go back when your baby is 6m old, waking up 3/4 times each night, you're having to pay for childcare, and a job you hate is taking you away from your child. It will be way worse. And then harder to find a new job if you manage to negotiate part time working at your current place. It's very difficult to apply and get a new job while negotiating the hours down.