To have a baby because I hate work?

[conniemary]

It’s a slightly misleading title but I really think I want to be a parent. I’m 38 so not young!

I also hate my job, really hate it. And time on maternity would give me a much needed six to eight months or so away from it and hopefully I would be able to get another job afterwards.

AIBU?

It’s pretty old in child bearing terms to be fair alaska

That it may help my career in a roundabout fashion is another consideration.

Having a baby never helps a woman’s career. And if you don’t have a partner, having a baby alone is likely to be harder than pretty much any job.

You're conflating two issues which don't really go together. At 38, if you really want a child and think you could do it alone and would rather do that than never have a child then personally I think you should go for it. The work is a separate issue, but if you are going to go ahead with the baby plan you need to consider maternity pay rather than just do the obvious and look for another job.

It will undoubtedly be hard.

However it will hopefully be enjoyable as well in some ways at any rate. Perhaps I am naive though and it is just endless misery and drudgery.

What happens when baby is ill?
Nurseries will refuse to take him/her. You will need to take time off work.

Can you afford a live in nanny? If yes, what happens when she’s ill or on holiday?

What happens when your employer says you can’t take the day off to look after your sick child or that you’ve taken too many sick days? Or they realise someone who runs out the door at 5pm and has zero support system with a baby isn’t able to be the type of team player the role requires? And coworkers complain they’re picking up the slack for the new hire because she’s off sick at crucial times?

You need to accumulate goodwill and reputation with your employer when you walk in sleep deprived 6 months into a new job and do less than a great job. Your employer needs to value your past work and recognise this as a one-off or a short phase.

A new employer won’t know you and you will still be building your reputation at the most challenging time of your life.

I was looking forward to some time out of the workplace when I first started ttc. Don’t think that means I would have been an unfit parent.

I don’t think it’s at all sensible to combine the two problems. They are very different issues and the parent one is very much outside your control. It would be ridiculous to slog on in a job you hate pinning all your hope of escape on becoming pregnant.

If you really dislike your job that much, start looking for a new one right now. If your CV is good then only having been in that role for a short time won’t necessarily hold you back.

While you are sorting out your career you can continue to consider TTC without the added pressure of thinking that having a baby is your only way out. Remember to factor in things like possible ill health (yours and the putative baby), multiple births and the involvement or otherwise of the father.

Lol, I go to work for a "break" from my ds...

I know this might sound like I'm stating the obvious, but you don't seem to have thought beyond the first year (of maternity leave). Fitting work around childcare is a nightmare. I understand it gets a bit worse when they go to school and you need to organise wrap around care (my son's 3, so not quite at school).

Having a baby means having a child. You can't bonsai it into staying a baby forever!!!

However, that l said, if you want a kid, have a kid! It'll probably be the hardest thing you ever do, but also the most rewarding too.

Well, an interview would be during the day so the child would be at his normal nursery - I don’t understand what you mean thereXmas, sorry.

You will be at work. Getting the day off may not always be viable.

I’d have to take time off work when my child was ill.

I honestly don’t want to sound like an utter twat but I’m not stupid, honestly!

I can’t go through every scenario from birth to adulthood with an answer as to what I’d do. I think as with most issues you deal with them as they arise.

What Xmas?

So I’m at the interview but I am also at work?

Ok, so OP can afford childcare when she goes back. She is 38 so hasn’t got time to faff around if she wants a biological baby. If she changed jobs now she would reset the clock in terms of being able to claim maternity pay. She hates her job so would rather take time off from this one than the next job. It would look better on her cv if she didn’t ditch the job now.

I totally see all those practical issues op. Many women raise a baby alone. It can be done. I see the job aspect of this and I don’t think you are being unreasonable. I have some suggestions:

1-Can I suggest you look into childcare prices in your area and total up the real cost, especially if you go back full time.

2- consider family support...do you have any? Do you have people to help you at your lowest points? Good friends?

3- How will you feel going back into the job? Some posters have pointed out that they hated leaving their baby to go back. I can tell you that I was bloody ready to go back to work. I always knew I would want to go back. What kind of person do you think you will be?

4- you don’t say what work you do but what is the job market like? Can you move quite easily? Will Brexit affect your industry?

5- are there any changes you can make in your current work place to make your job more bearable? Whether or not you have a baby? Change in department? Improvements to role? A manager you can speak with? Try to make life easier.

6- what route are you going down for this? How will you have a child? If you are thinking of being a single adopter then they will be interested in my points above and that you have thoroughly planned for it. Although if you are adopting you don’t need to rush due to biology!

It isn’t a daft plan if you think it through properly.

Reading all your posts I don't think it's just that you hate your job, you want to be a parent. In your position I would go for it. As you've said, you don't have years and years left to TTC.

You can look for a new job once your maternity leave has finished and you're obviously aware of childcare costs etc and know it will be hard. You aren't being naive about this. If you want a child then you will end up regretting not having one more. Yes being a single parent is hard, but lots of women manage it. Will you have any family support? If not then if you could afford it you could look at having the child in nursery a couple of morning a week from a few months old to give you a bit of a break.

Here is how interviews work in my sector. You have the interviews during normal working hours, it’s an enhanced DBS role so references are sought in advance. As such you do not hide what you are doing.

You say to your company you have an interview on X date and they already know you applied for the job and off you go.

Meanwhile your baby is in nursery.

I’m honestly not getting why this would be such a huge barrier anywhere unless some places hold interviews in the middle of the night or something!

Perhaps I am naive though and it is just endless misery and drudgery.

This was my experience of the first few months. And at 11 months on it's still endless drudgery but punctuated by enough joy and laughter to make it worthwhile. I'm honestly not sure I'd feel the same if I was having to do it alone. I have massive admiration for single parents - I don't think I could handle it.

Also consider a childminder rather than nursery, check out their rates. Can be easier as nursery shuts early around here so a childminder is easier for me!

I did but I already had children, we were planning to have another one (we bought it forward by a few months) and we could afford it. Whilst on mat leave I did apply for another job and got it so for me it worked out.

That it may help my career in a roundabout fashion is another consideration.

I'm having trouble understanding this one...

Having a baby does not help your career; nor make it easier to find work; nor help when you've got to be good at your job on minimal sleep; nor when you're getting called out of work because your child is ill/has bumped their head...

It's very easy when you don't yet have a baby to plan and organise a life for yourself in which the baby seems to be the impetus for all manner of progress. The reality is that, regardless of how settled/easy your child is (I know, mine were) babies amplify whatever negatives are already in your life just from the sheer emotional load and exhaustion.

Everything is hard work with a baby. Stuff that you currently don't even think of - like making a cup of tea, going for a wee, having a shower becomes something of a military operation. And that's before you get to leaving the house! Babies don't make anything easier.

Obviously, people do have babies and change jobs but I don't think you can consider a baby as a positive element within that process.

Thanks notto, very sensible post.

Thanks also cee

I think as with most issues you deal with them as they arise

Exactly this OP. People can question what you would do in a million different situations but it's just unnecessary. You've clearly thought about this, and are aware of the limited timeframe you have. I don't think there's ever a 'right time' for anyone to have a child as it changes your life completely. You figure it out as you go along.

I agree with PP upthread. You want a baby. You are not doing it to get mat leave but not having to spend several months in a job you hate is a bonus. You sound very sensible to me- you are under no illusion that this is a holiday. It is not that you don't want ANY job just this job (if I am getting it right). If you want a child then I would say go for it sooner rather than later! Good luck

You said you would need to go back for 3 months and would sort a new job then.

So you would be at work while trying to arrange a new job. But with the complication of a baby as well.

Look I am a single for parent and love it. Much prefer it to when I was with exh.

However, just saying you will take time off when I'll isn't that easy. My son is never ill . I started a new job recently and he ended up really ill and off school for 3 weeks. Luckily my best friend was a sahp and able to help out. No way could I have take that amount if time off.

Having a baby in your own isn't an issue. But you asked for opinion s and mine is to find a new job first. If it's easy to do d a new job in 3 months after mat leave, it's easier to get one now. Get the job and you can be preparing for however you are planning ttc while you wait to qualify for mat pay.

Then you can go back to work in a job you are established in and happy in. It will make life easier

But isn't having a baby and bringing up a child going to be the hardest job you've ever done? And in doing so, you will HAVE to provide for it, whether you like the job that enables you to provide for it or not. You will have far fewer choices op.

It wouldn’t be easy but I can afford it. Definitely a life of no luxuries though

That alone would put me off. A life just surviving with no luxuries isn't one I'd want to inflict on a child. A child needs hobbies, experiences, to be able to keep up with their peers etc.

As for having maternity leave as you don't like your job,, that's sheer madness. Just find another job. Unless you've got a lot of short term jobs on your cv already one isn't going to make a difference to future employers. If you have then it would suggest you aren't happy in lots of workplaces not just this one so need to look at that rather than try and fix with the wrong band aid.

If you current job offers enhanced maternity leave, and you take it but don't return to work you may need to pay it back.

A lot of my colleagues used to come back to work and almost immediately give a month’s notice so they wouldn’t have to pay it back. I don’t know if that is still the rule.