To have a baby because I hate work?

[conniemary]

It’s a slightly misleading title but I really think I want to be a parent. I’m 38 so not young!

I also hate my job, really hate it. And time on maternity would give me a much needed six to eight months or so away from it and hopefully I would be able to get another job afterwards.

AIBU?

You say to your company you have an interview on X date and they already know you applied for the job and off you go.

Really? i have never told a company that i am going for an interview at another company ever - you take annual leave (which you need to save for child care), or go sick

So new baby, new job, why dont you move house while you are at it?

Thanks.

nota well - this is where the dealing with situations as and when they arise comes in.

Let’s say you didn’t have your friend and let’s say you really wouldn’t have been allowed to take that time off work - I assume you mean ‘with pay’ - that’s where it makes sense to have things as secure as possible, savings, support network, but sometimes you know when things seem impossible, they aren’t.

We don’t do that in my line of work hun - you can’t as references are always sought in advance. But even if you did go sick or take annual leave to attend the interview the baby would still be in nursery!

What happens if you give birth to a premature or sick baby who needs additional care? Or if you become ill and need medical attention? Do you have a support network in place?

I gave birth to a sick baby who went on to have lots of medical interventions. I was off work for a few years as he had so many medical appointments. I had a partner who could support me both emotionally & financially otherwise it would have been tough. I still can't work full time and not all childcare settings will take on a child with complex and additional needs. It's something to consider when having a child on your own or in your late 30's as the chances of complications are greater.

Then I give birth to a premature and sick baby who needs extra care.

What do most people do in this situation?

I imagine most people work out what their child needs and works something out around that.

You will find mat leave harder than working. I definitely did. Also it's a weird reason to have a child.

I hated maternity leave, and time with a new born. I was glad to get back to work.

I think your plan sounds fine. I really can't understand why people are giving you such a hard time.

What I am noticing is that there is a real gulf here which is a shame.

I’ve been single all my life. I’ve had to deal with a lot of very difficult situations - workplace bullying / false accusations, bereavement, illness, financial stress - and somehow you do find a way.

I am actually very strong, very clever and very sensible.

Yes, I do not doubt having a baby would be so very hard but if I was in a relationship with a man I bet everyone would tell me to go for it.

In twenty years time if someone says to me ‘Connie, why didn’t you ever have a child?’ I don’t want to say ‘because I was worried he’d be prem/ my job was more important / well I was going to but i hated my job and well it didn’t work out.’

Really? i have never told a company that i am going for an interview at another company ever - you take annual leave (which you need to save for child care), or go sick

Well that's certainly how it works in teaching. I have never not told my boss I was going for an interview! We don't have annual leave in that sense for a start.

Do what’s right for you.
I did. I had a baby and didn’t want to go back after mat leave as I hated my job so we started ttc (age was also a factor)By the time I went back I was pregnant again.
I had a difficult complicated pregnancy on my second and spent most of the pregnancy on long term sick before going on Mat leave.
In 3.5 years, I was in work for 5 months. It was bliss!

I’m now doing a different role and much happier.

Your 38, time isn’t on your side. Go for it I say xx

Do you have other sources of support? If you do then single parenting can work really well- I know someone who has two children in the situation you describe but her parents are amazing.

Without solid support it really could be very tough indeed. The questions around illness etc may seem annoying but these issues can have a truly negative impact on work and one’s own wellbeing.

Good luck with whatever you decide. You might get more measured responses to this on another board and with a different title!

Maternity leave isn't a holiday but it's not always harder than work.
It wasn't in the least bit hard for me...it was pretty easy...my baby was a total dream though! Very placid and happy...I was lucky!

Don't underestimate how tough it is & doing it on your own will be even more tough. I was in one hospital and my baby was in another hospital in a city 20 miles away. My partner was stuck between visiting the both of us.

In terms of financially supporting yourself when your mat pay runs out, have you built up savings? If you have savings and a strong support network then go ahead. If you don't then you might want to put some contingency plans in place before going ahead.

Let’s say you didn’t have your friend and let’s say you really wouldn’t have been allowed to take that time off work - I assume you mean ‘with pay’ - that’s where it makes sense to have things as secure as possible, savings, support network, but sometimes you know when things seem impossible, they aren’t.

But in a new job you could find yourself let go for taking so much time off so soon. Unless you have been there 2 years they can get rid for any reason.

Where as if you are established and proved to them you are a good employer before you need time off most employers are usually happier with it.

I didn't choose to be a single parent. And I would have been fucked if I didn't have my friend.

If you want to do, do it. You asked opinions and I am giving mine.

The part of your plan which is worrying for me is starting at a job with a baby, the worry of passing probation and the lack of flexibility with a new role. For example if your baby was ill and couldn’t go to nursery my current work would let me work from home but it doesn’t look great when you start in a new company to request this. If they were to suddenly get rid of you do you have savings until you could get a new job? Would getting a new job be easy?

I really can't understand why people are giving you such a hard time.

They're giving you a hard time because of your thread title, I think. They haven't really read the rest of what you were saying or they have, but it hasn't put them off their first reaction to the title.

Obviously if you didn't actually want a child, it would be a stupid reason to have a baby.

I know Matilda but there’s definitely a difference between having sensible backup plans and talking yourself into a frenzy (I don’t mean you!) but with endless ‘what ifs’.

Go for it. Maternity pay will make a difference so I see what you are saying re your job now.
Alone with one child is not difficult. Throwing other adults and siblings is. I would say it is possible to miss the feedback other parents get - no one to tell you you're doing a good job, for example. It's tough if you don't have family that care as you are literally the only person that loves your child.
Everything else, financial, work etc sorts itself out one way or another. But you won't get a time machine to give you extra years to have children.

You seem not to have any illusions about single motherhood, which is good.
I am a single mother (from birth) too. As posters above said, do not underestimate the extent of time your child will not be able to attend the nursery. For me the nursery did not work at all - there was a period of chicken pox for younger + norovirus + chicken pox for older + eye complications which took me off from the office for 4 weeks and I had no other option but to terminate my work contract. It is better to budget for a live-in nanny.

Yes, I do not doubt having a baby would be so very hard but if I was in a relationship with a man I bet everyone would tell me to go for it.

Woah. You can fuck off with your claims people are saying this because you are gay. If you were in a relationship at all, it might change my opinion. Because you would have support and extra finances.

Wether that partner is a man or a woman it would not change my opinion.

I wasn’t sure from your first post, but it sounds from subsequent posts that you really do want to have a baby. As you are 38- if you really do want to, and it sounds like you’ve thought it through, I’d go for it now.

It could make things tough with work of course, and it can make things you take for granted now that bit harder (like not being able to stay late because you have to pick your child up- I used to envy parents who left on time but now it’s me, I find it quite stressful, since the work will just need squeezing in at some other time, or when you’re trying to prove you’re jut as good as everyone else but can’t stay for a meeting that overruns by just 10 minutes.) For me- all that is minor though and I wouldn’t give up having kids just so I could have completely prioritised my career.

Just for some balance- I loved my year of maternity leave. No it wasn’t a holiday, and it was tough at times, but it was still a complete change from my normal job (which I actually do like), and I didn’t find it the hardest job I’d ever done. Appreciate I may just have been very lucky- and am not downplaying other peoples experiences (DD didn’t sleep through til she was 1, but we got round that by co-sleeping, and other than that she was relatively easy, so I get I could have a different experience next time).

You sound like you’ve thought it through more than some couples to be honest.

I actually think it is really prudent to consider what ifs.

My youngest child was born with a medical condition and special needs that make childcare so difficult that I haven't been able to return to employment.

I'm not saying it isn't doable, but you absolutely need to consider different scenarios.

Thank goodness for nottos calm unhysterical post which I totally agree with.

Not everyone has the same experience of motherhood. Some babies are really not that hard, and yes, some are but OP really doesn’t come across as stupid. Financial circumstances change as can relationships. No one has all the answers when they decide to have a child and there is no perfect time.

I would have had DC2 and 3 in any event but I had them at times my job was irking me - worked for me. Change of perspective, bit of difference, slightly different economy when I returned.

If you’ve thought through (as best you can in advance) the implications of having a child and now is the right time for you, then it’s simply fortuitous that it may also help your work situation.

Are you a teacher @conniemary? If so I completely get why you feel you need an 'escape' route 😂 (and also your explanation re interviews etc...no idea what Xmas is going on about!! How does ANYONE have interviews ffs if we don't just bloody go to them in the daytime???)

Seriously though, whilst I do empathise with anyone in a shitty job situation (I'm currently in the same awful situation myself!), having a baby is probably not the best way out of it. Especially if you are currently single. It's REALLY hard work...exhausting, isolating, emotionally draining, financially precarious if you haven't planned properly or if something unexpected happens, and simply unpredictable. You can plan for EVERY eventuality...you think! And then BAM! That ONE thing that you didn't think of happens and your world turns overnight.

However, all of that said...if you are adamant that this is what you want to do then good luck to you. You've clearly thought about it and have plans in place, so it's not a whim. All the very best...I hope you find a great new job too xx