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Original poster

Fucking NYE

184 replies

Mississippilessly · 01/01/2019 00:55

At my MIL's. 15 week old DS. I didn't want to come but DH and I compromised and agreed we wouldn't stay over. We packed stuff 'just in case'. Of course we stayed. DS utterly overwrought. House is full of noisy people. MIL convinced me to stay when I just wanted to go home. She assurer me it woykd be quiet. DS currently asleep in my arms. Stirs when I try to move him. I've managed an hours sleep so far. I've been awake since 4am yesterday. I am on my knees. DH just doesn't seem to get it.
I'm done. I've nothing left. I can't function on this little sleep.

So utterly fed up. Happy fucking new year.

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 02/01/2019 06:30

Do you have pads to absorb the leaking? You can get either disposable or washable pads that you put into your nursing bra. You can also use a folded up small towel over the boob that is not in action.

Disposable pads are probably best for the early days until your milk supply stabilises.

Ask your HV about making yourself more comfortable feeding lying down. You might find a body pillow wedged at your back plus two pillows for your head would help. Baby rests his little head on your upper arm on the feeding side that way.

mathanxiety · 02/01/2019 06:33

You might find expressing very productive if you find milk leaking a lot or squirting everywhere.

Do you have a decent electric pump and storage bags plus bottles?

TheSheepofWallSt · 02/01/2019 06:53

You shouldn’t have got in this state in the first place. He should be supporting you all the time- not just when you’re at breaking point.

The kind of exhaustion you’re describing pushed me into PND and ended my relationship with my DP, eventually.

It’s in all of your interests-including his- for you to be rested as much as possible- not just when he feels guilty/ you’ve become hysterical.

blueluce85 · 02/01/2019 07:00

My little girl wouldn't sleep on her back, or be put down for naps... Til I put her on her front. I started off with naps in moses basket in the room downstairs with me, then when I felt secure with her on her front, put her in her next2me on her front overnight.

She's never been a great sleeper, but that was an improvement for us!

allthgoodusernamesaretaken · 02/01/2019 07:24

I suggest you speak to your health visitor for advice. Sleep deprivation is no fun. And learn to be firm about what is / not feasible. Ask your DH to back you up. If you're too tired to stand up for yourself, then you need someone else to fight your corner

Veterinari · 02/01/2019 07:37

My little girl wouldn't sleep on her back, or be put down for naps... Til I put her on her front. I started off with naps in moses basket in the room downstairs with me, then when I felt secure with her on her front, put her in her next2me on her front overnight.

Front sleeping is a risk factor for cot death - please don’t do this @blueluce85

blueluce85 · 02/01/2019 07:50

Veterinari.... Whilst I agree it increases the risk of sids.... It does not make it a given...

Unsafe sleep practices like sofa sleeping etc are the biggest factor.... Plus being ridiculously overtired can have a more detrimental effect on a baby.

My 2.5year old has tummy slept and has lived to tell the tale!

I'm not saying that makes it 100% safe, just that it can work, and is an option

Fucking NYE
Veterinari · 02/01/2019 08:43

Unsafe sleep practices like sofa sleeping etc are the biggest factor.... Plus being ridiculously overtired can have a more detrimental effect on a baby.

All of these are risk factors - but the other unsafe practices you mention have only become more prevalent issues because front sleeping is now very unusual. Front sleeping is still the biggest risk factor - it’s just that it’s rarely practised so other issues have overtaken it - the article you’ve cherry picked shows this.

It may have worked for you but Recommending a sleeping practice that can increase the risk of SIDS 8-fold without highlighting its risks is irresponsible.

The media article that you’ve chosen only highlights this - SIDS deaths reduced dramatically as a result of the back to sleep campaign and its only since this has become standard advice that other risk factors have become apparent. The ABC of safe sleep is very clear in the article you’ve linked

user1486250399 · 02/01/2019 08:54

OP I have been where you are.

Don't worry about your marriage or your DH right now. You will be fine. And if not, it isn't a decision that will be made right now. They say don't make any major life changes until your baby is one for a reason!

All the people on the Internet don't know your DH so don't listen to them about him. It's very easy to advise on someone's relationship from the comfort of your own life.

If you are still under the care of your midwife, speak to her. If not, speak to health visitor or GP. Do it today. Say you are experiencing symptoms of PND and have felt suicidal. You will be seen very quickly and things will start to improve from there.

This is temporary. Your baby deserves YOU. You are what he needs.

billybagpuss · 02/01/2019 09:05

Just wanted to add my support, Christmas is over, things will get calmer and you have far more chance of getting into a routine as things get back to normal.

It’s lovely and mild at the moment try and get Ds in his pram and both of you get some fresh air.

DaedricLordSlayer · 02/01/2019 09:12

I know it was a long time ago when mine were little, so it may have fallen out of fashion (although it's practice for centuries in lots of different cultures)

But maybe try swaddling, it did worked for mine. It keeps them tight and secure, bit like the womb.

Original poster
Mississippilessly · 02/01/2019 09:14

Thanks everyone. I feel much better today. I dont think I was genuinely suicidal, i think i was just desperate to show how desperate I was (if that makes sense!). Last night he woke at 1,3 and 6. He was clearly still tired so when he had fed DH took him and I went to nap but the little sod just would not settle for DH. Literally the moment i took him he stopped crying. Frustrating for both of us but that's how it is.
We have overdone it during the holidays, we have been here there and everywhere and it just got too much.
Have sterilised the bottles so will give expressing a go but not expecting miracles.

OP posts:
Osirus · 02/01/2019 09:17

I breastfed in bed with us both lying on our sides. I didn’t have to get up for a night feed after six weeks old; I just fed her in bed like this when she woke.

Please try not to ruin the good work you’ve put in my mixed feeding now. There’s no guarantee it will work and it might stop your baby wanting to breastfeed. Moving onto solids didn’t make my daughter sleep any better, so I don’t know why formula feed would. It gets easier the older they get (sleep regressions excepted of course!).

Beamur · 02/01/2019 09:18

Hi OP, I remember your previous thread. Sorry this trip turned out so tiring for you all. My advice is that you don't commit to much over the next few weeks, keep life simple and concentrate on getting by.
I could never nap when my baby was in the house as I'd be alert to every noise. If he can, your DH could do with going out with him for a couple of hours so you get a chance to rest.

FusionChefGeoff · 02/01/2019 09:30

One thing I wish I'd been told:

EBF is not a qualification. You do not pass or fail!
Months of breastfeeding in any quantity is a massive undertaking and is to be applauded.
At this stage, the occasional formula feed will not make any difference to your baby or your supply - but will make a HUGE difference to your mental health and ability to cope.

So try to introduce a bottle to make sure DC is happy with it. Doesn't have to be large quantities, just the idea of it.

Then choose a night or a weekend day when you are 100% off duty. Do you have somewhere you can go?? Or where DH can take DC? Then have 8-12 hours completely to yourself to sleeeeeeeeeeeep.

Sandsnake · 02/01/2019 09:38

Oh poor you, OP. And poor DH. I feel like he is getting an unfairly hard time on here from some. I don’t think that it is helpful when others making him out to be the bad guy when it doesn’t sound like he is (although by no means perfect). Things to do with babies are SO much easier when you’re together with it and work as a team, even if it’s just emotional support for each other.

As PP said - your baby is at the peak time for the four month sleep regression. My DS wasn’t a great sleeper to begin with but the four month sleep regression hit us for six and our nights were very similar to how yours sound for a while (it’s so horrible). I think it was co-sleeping and white noise that helped us get through that phase. Also, have you tried a dummy? I know they’re not always popular but they definitely helped our DS with sleep.

Glad you’re feeling a bit better now. There is nothing worse than in the middle of the night! All the best to the thre of you.

W0rriedMum · 02/01/2019 09:45

Expressing is a mirable and not hard to do. If you crack this, you open up a world of possibilities - a full night sleep, GPs or a friend having him for an hour, even a night out alone at some point. Ditto the odd FF. I FF mine a late feed so we could take turns sleeping. My husband remembers that Dre sleep so fondly now.

Regarding your marriage, the bickering is normal given the stress and strains of an exhausting baby. A few months will make all the difference, especially if you can partly express/formula feed.

Desmondo2016 · 02/01/2019 09:51

Why are some peiple making dh out to be such a prick. Other than saying s few daft things in the middle of the night (Don't we all) what's he actually done? Sounds like he's been pretty supportive to be honest.

Unfortunately it's just a really fucking difficult time. Baby will get there. In the mean time all you can do is survive one day to the next.

Don't rule out mixed feeding though. Not because it'll magically help sleep but because dh can fully independently sort out baby without you having the added stress of expressing. I've mixed fed all of mine with absolutely no rhyme or routine at all and my milk supply worked itself out.

Blondebakingmumma · 02/01/2019 09:55

My DS is 10 months. Still wakes as often as your bub. I have resorted to cosleeping as I just could cope with getting up so often. He also would only sleeep in my arms during the day. I have had to bring the stroller inside and he will nap in there after I rock him to sleep.
You need to be more strong willed with your MIL. I would have left the party. Your hubby was prepared to drive home, so that’s a positive

seven201 · 02/01/2019 10:22

I didn't get on with expressing - would get about 5ml max after 30 mins of pumping. My dd did have a bottle or two of formula a day though. Was amazing to have that bit of space away from baby. Good luck.

secondhanddreamsdealer · 02/01/2019 13:52

Well done OP. Glad you're seeing the light again. It's so grim when you're dog tired. Your mind sends you to dark places so easily then.

The DH seems like a decent bloke and those piling in to berate himself should check their own prejudices/projections. It doesn't do OP any favours to start attacking her partner now and blame him for absolutely everything.

Sleep deprivation is the absolute pits and impacts on both partners. When I look back at some of my not so finest moments when I argued with DP during those first punishing months, it was more often than not driven by absolute exhaustion. I wasn't making any assertive requests - I was just aggressively voicing how tired I was and how he wasn't doing enough hoping he'd step in. As it happened DP also slept badly and had to get up to go to work at 4:30 am so we were locked into competitive tiredness.

I ended up having a few sessions of therapy which did me a world of good. DD would come with me, sleeping or just sitting with me. My therapist just reminded me that nobody else is responsible for my needs but me and I just started communicating my needs and making specific requests. It made a world of difference.

"I need to have a lie in. Can you get up with her tomorrow please"

"I need to rest and have a bath - could you please look after her for couple of hours"

"When you come home I need to go for a walk alone"

"She won't settle, I've fed her so can you please take her out for a walk"

"I've booked pedicure for Wednesday and will be gone for a couple of hours"

"No, don't want to visit your parents on Sunday. This week has been really difficult and I want to stay in"

Etc. I know it sounds pretty basic but it's so different from

"I've had no sleep! I can't cope!" Or "You swan around doing fuck all and I do everything" or "I feel like I am the only one looking after her and you don't listen to me!!" or "Your parents don't get to dictate when we go there!"- I have said all of this and more at some point when on 3 hours sleep a night. Blush

And above all - mix feed if expressing doesn't work. A bottle of formula won't kill your baby and your supply is very clever. It'll adjust.

Good luck OP. All of this will be a distant memory before you know it. Thanks

secondhanddreamsdealer · 02/01/2019 13:53

*himself = him

Original poster
Mississippilessly · 02/01/2019 14:18

second DH has said absolutely the same thing about requests. And I dont help myself because often I do the 'he is crying so I will take him immediately'witbout giving DH a chance to work it out.
DH is desperate for me to express so he can properly look after the baby. I'm going to try to ight but if it doesn't work try formula.

OP posts:
Honestlyofficer · 02/01/2019 14:35

Have you considered cranial osteopathy? My first DC was like yours. Couldn't be put down, alert all the time, and I would look at other newborns sleeping 20 hours a day and mention to him that this is what he was supposed to be doing. He didn't agree.

The health visitor suggested cranial osteopathy and I was so boggle eyed with exhaustion by that point that if she had suggested a witch doctor dancing around a fire I would have agreed.

I went along, really not expecting much. The Osteopath held him over his arm and whilst rocking, gently rubbed his head for about 15 minutes. I watched my tense alert baby sag like someone had let the air out of him, and he slept. Reader, he slept for 20 hours straight (I fed him whilst he was asleep before anyone leaps). He slept alone, in his moses basket for the first time ever. 2 more sessions a week apart and he was a different child.

Apparently during birth his vegas nerve (fight or flight) got constricted and my poor baby had been on a permanent adrenaline high.

When I had my next child, the appointment was booked before I even left hospital the day he was born.