Fucking NYE

[Mississippilessly]

At my MIL's. 15 week old DS. I didn't want to come but DH and I compromised and agreed we wouldn't stay over. We packed stuff 'just in case'. Of course we stayed. DS utterly overwrought. House is full of noisy people. MIL convinced me to stay when I just wanted to go home. She assurer me it woykd be quiet. DS currently asleep in my arms. Stirs when I try to move him. I've managed an hours sleep so far. I've been awake since 4am yesterday. I am on my knees. DH just doesn't seem to get it.
I'm done. I've nothing left. I can't function on this little sleep.

So utterly fed up. Happy fucking new year.

But then Mil pursued me.

No one is listening to you because you're giving mixed messages

I want to go home - oh ok then, I'll stay

What is best for your child is what you should do

Do it now

Stop messing around

I’m really worried about you both driving home now op, as you are both overtired.
I wouldn’t be handing the baby over to MIL.
However part of me would say it’s ok to let him cry because at least people will wake up and hopefully leave.

how have you had more sleep?

he took DC at 5.30 if you feel asleep straight away and posted on MN as soon as woke that's 1.3/4 hours Max! and hardly any proper sleep for days? weeks? before.

If DH is wanting to help throughout the night either with expressed milk or formula, then dam well hand over your baby. don't be a martya, your health is to important to you and your baby. Your baby will be fine with DH, let go and allow dh the responsibility.

Finally start putting yourself before others. You are more important to you than someone's hurt feeling because you didn't bend to their whim.

though as sleep deprivation is awful, been there too, which is why I've advised what I have.

You poor love. I've been where you are and the world becomes such a spiky hostile place when you've had no sleep for weeks.

Deep breath.

I don't see your DH being an arse. He packed the car and was willing to go. MIL persuaded you. As PP said sagely above, don't be persuadable. Find your No. A nice firm round No. It will stand you in good stead for life. Don't be a martyr. The situation is shit but there is a lot of power in taking charge of your needs. Power to YOU that is. I understand that right now when your eyes are burning with tiredness it seems so surreal but it's all within reach and you can do this next time.

I've mix fed successfully for a year. Now you've established BFing, introduce a bottle in the evening so you can hand over to DH and get a break. It was a life saver for me. I hated expressing. My DD was still classed as exclusively BFed by the GP

The arguments about how much sleep you each had are pretty standard. Having spoken to a lot of women about this, the most loving supportive couples have had this or a version of this. I used to call it Tiredness Olympics "I had an hour, and I had 45 mins, type of thing. Sleep depravation does really odd things to our brains and distorts everything. Don't let this temporary thing change things permanently between you and DH.

Get MIL to take baby this morning, let them take DD for a walk after feed, have a hot bath and go for a nap upstairs. And when you get home, get some earplugs. I found that when DP was around with DD and I wanted to nap I could hear every noise. Partly sleep deprivation partly the instinct of always being watchful. Once you get your rest, give your DH a hug and tell him that you love him.

Take care my lovely. Many have been where you are now and came out on top. FWIW I really disliked the baby phase intensely. DD is 20 months and it does get better.

I want to try to be constructive for you - you are exhausted, but also a worried new parent. Try lying down and sleeping with your child - it's not the fashionable thing to do at the moment (when I had mine it supposingly prevented cot deaths) but as long as you haven't been drinking or taken sleeping pills it will mean you can both get rest. You also need to nap. Looking back it's a short amount of time but it's utterly exhausting, but babies are really adaptable so can fit into your life rather that you missing out on events - hiding upstairs made you miserable too. Try to relax, go with the flow, be less anxious and as I said nap. Take help from relatives and get at least one break a week when your dp takes baby out.

We are on our way home. It was all very subdued this morning.

We left at the right time for DS to have a good nap in the car. Unfortunately he has woken up after only 30 mins. Usually the car and a sling are the only reliable nap methods.

Your DH needs to help and protect you more. What kind of twat argues about whether you've had an hour and a half or an hour asleep???? Wtf?

Hand your DS to your husband when you get home and sleep. No arguments.

God, been there love. Today you take to your bed and your husband deals with the baby. No argument. Get up at tea time and order a Chinese, eat it from your bed.

Hand the baby over and go for a nap. My son was a terrible sleeper (not the same, I know) and the only thing that held me sane was napping. If he's breastfed try the lying down nursing position which will mean you can both doze/sleep (following safe bed sharing practices)

OP, you are the one holding all the cards. You just don't realise it. You have a newborn and you are BF'ing. you need to learn to wield that axe.

Sorry, but I am breastfeeding. I need good food, sleep, quiet and no stress. If I don't get it, my milk will be affected. That is not good for baby.

Look, he's exhausted and can't settle. I am not doing this again.

Honestly, I would be going OTT with it and being precious. They clearly are insensitive to you and your DC so you need to start pushing back.

When babies are over-tired they can't sleep.

silken DH is very aware we aren't doing it again.

I'm very worried about our marriage

It was stupid of your mil to badger you into staying. And stupid of your Dh not to back you up on leaving.

Now you'll be hesitant and much more cautious about plans with her.

I think it's time to be more assertive and not let yourself be persuaded against your better instincts ever again.

As for your lack of sleep, it is so so tough. Everything just seems much more hideous when you've not sleep enough.

Can you curl up with ds on a bed?

Part of being a good parent is looking after yourself so you can actually be a good parent. IMO you need to meet DH half way on this by accepting his help and voicing your needs. Stop giving mixed messages and give yourself some credit by having faith in your convictions ie you knew it was not a good idea to stay over but you let MIL change your mind. Try and work on your communication with DH. I know it's not easy when you're so sleep deprived. I say this as the mum of a 12 week old who detests sleep. I was doing more or less all the night feeds and surviving on 4 hours broken sleep a night, it wasn't manageable and was my own fault as DP was wanting to help when he was home. We now take it in shifts when we can.
Hope 2019 brings us both more sleep

The first Christmas with baby is so tough. Everyone expects the world of you and you’re so tired and drained. People will back off a bit now the season is over and it won’t be like this next year. Honestly. You’ll be so sick of trying to please everyone you’ll have well and truly fucked all that stuff off.

Finally start putting yourself before others. You are more important to you than someone's hurt feeling because you didn't bend to their whim.

The first thing you learn on first aid course is to ensure you can safely intervene - you can’t save someone if you die or are injured in the process. Same on aeroplane safety drills where parents are instructed to fit their own oxygen masks before their child’s. You need to protect yourself so you can look after your son - just surviving like this isn’t sustainable long term.

I wanted to be the perfect mum with DS1 and was totally strung out with BF and a non-sleeping baby. I was lucky to have a really humane, helpful health visitor who helped me to see I had to protect myself/my energy reserves. With DS2, he was very poorly and would not breastfeed after his NICU stay. I expressed for about 12 weeks, but he was mixed fed and on bottles. The contrast with DS1 was really interesting. DH took him overnight 1 night every weekend so I could have at least 1 unbroken catch-up sleep & same for DH. We split shifts overnight during the week when DH was working. I’d take the late shift & DH (lark) would take over at 3am, so I always had at least 4hour block before DH left for work in the week. It was so much better for my mental health and well-being. DS1 benefitted from me being more rested and playful too. DS2 got the colostrum and a good start on expressed BM in the first 12 weeks, but it got to a point where relaxing my previous perfectionist parenting did us all the world of good.

Work out what you need to function and, more importantly, enjoy your son & then do that. Don’t beat yourself up about not doing it your perfect way. A happy, sane, rested you will be better for your son and your marriage.

Hope you have the chance for a nap today.

I'm very worried about our marriage

Don't be. You are sleep deprived, things are 100x worse at this time. You have been doing it all and not asserting yourself. Your DH has said he wants to help so let him, people can say shit when tired and emotions running high.(i know he isnt as tired as you but it was stupid o'clock in the morning after long day)

once you and DH are in a routine and you are less sleep deprived, then you can 're look at any problems with his attitude, if they continue.

I'm sorry things are so tough right now. It will get better. End of the celebrations now, take things steady, carve out time and sleep for yourself, be explicit to your husband what you need from him and when. This is hard. It gets easier. One day at a time.

everything is on top of you at the moment, this is one of the most stressful times you will ever experience.

there is a reason they use sleep deprivation as torture, it will get easier xx

A lady once told me that it is a sin not to take care of yourself because you then become a burden on your children. That sounds really extreme but it has stayed with me for years. My mother died when I was a teen and I wish she had taken more care of herself rather than putting others before her always.

You need to take more care of yourself. If your DH is a bit unsure or nervous doing things for your baby get him trained up by you and your mum/ MIL or send him on some short courses. Honestly, my DH is better than me at taking care of our DC. Get him to do certain things, allocate him jobs.

P.s. all new parents struggle with feelings that their marriage is going down the pan. When you have a baby it changes or more correctly, it evolves. It feels stressful at the time, but it works itself out.

When your DH takes the baby,are you actually able to relax and get some sleep ?
If not, I think it's imperative that you go to the GP & access some support/ treatment. It's really tough OP for you.

My dh had baby downstairs for a week at night time to help my sleep deprivation and pnd,ask him to do more

Please don’t be worrying about your marriage. Now is NOT the time to be making big decisions like that. It’s really not. (unless there’s abuse of course, but your DH just sounds clueless, not horrible.). Plus, it won’t help your mental state at all. Just tell yourself it’ll all be ok when you get through this stage and if it’s not you can deal with it then.

However, you do need to talk to your DH.

Explain to him how you felt when you said you were suicidal and how his reaction made you feel.

Tell him that his ‘positive’ rah rah makes you feel like he’s not listening to you and doesn’t understand just how bad you’re feeling.

It appears that he’s trying to do everything he can, but he’s just not good at emotional support or taking the lead (like saying ‘No Mum, stop going on at DW, I’ve said we are going’.

Talk to him. Tell him what you need. Tell him to STOP when he comes out with ‘positive’ shite that’s making you feel worse.

You NEED sleep. You’re falling apart because you aren’t getting enough and that has to change. DS will start sleeping better and longer soon, in the meantime DH needs to take him between feeds and settle him. End of.

Talk. You’ll be ok x

DH took him at 10.40. I think I nodded off about 11.20 and am awake again, not sure why.