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Original poster

Brother‘s Wedding and step-Kids

609 replies

ByScott · 31/12/2018 20:50

I am a 42 year old man and have created an account as I have no one to talk to in real life.
My wife is perfect and has not asked me for anything in 10 years. On Boxing Day she asked me to refuse to be best man and not to attend my brother’ Wedding.
My brother is in his late 30s is marrying for the first time, a good 10years older than when my cousins and I first got married. My mother did have a cry when her sister wasn’t invited. Over Christmas the invitations were given. My wife and children are invited but not my step-children. They are 13 and 15 and have lived with me for 8 years.
I did speak to my brother but he said he couldn’t justify inviting steps and not aunts and cousins. I cannot imagine my own kids refusing to go. I am shocked by my brother not including them and shocked about my wife‘s stance.

OP posts:
ISmellBabies · 06/01/2019 18:42

Sounds a bit spineless tbh op.

Lizzie48 · 06/01/2019 18:51

@StressedToTheMaxx

The OP's bio DC are not children, they're aged 17 and 15! The OP and his DW can't force them not to go to their uncle's wedding. Especially as they only stay with him EOW. How would you suggest making them obey him?? It doesn't sound as if their mum would support such a decision either.

It's too late to teach them that they should show solidarity towards their step siblings sadly, if they don't now chances are they never will. That horse has well and truly bolted.

WestBerlin · 06/01/2019 19:10

Lol if a parent tried to ban me from a family wedding because of children I had very little to do with, they’d be getting short shrift.

PurplePlumGreenJar · 06/01/2019 19:11

So it’s not about money or space. Your brother and his fiancée are spending upset through your Family because.... they can? I wonder what your aunt’s crime has been...

While it’s their wedding and they should be free to do as they please, it seems very weird to be so mean to family at an event that’s all about celebrating family! Yes to pp and what you would say in your best man speech.

Was your wife the OW? Is that why your oldest children are so dismissive of your wife and their step-siblings? Is she a different ethnicity/culture/religion? Much younger? Different class? Why does your brother expect your wife to attend an event where she’s supposed to see her children differently?

So many posters saying wife and children should be treated differently in case you divorce. What if you never do? At least you’ve been married for eight years. I do wonder how long your brother’s marriage will last and if all this upset will be worth it to jeopardise your relationship with your perfect wife.

It does seem that your oldest children are generally unhappy with you. Going to the wedding with them is a like putting on a sticking plaster on a broken bone. It sounds like they need time with you and reassurance about your love for them. You need to approach it as an ongoing, long-term responsibility. This us vs them approach is not going to take you very far.

I’m genuinely struggling to understand why your brother being mean for being mean’s sake trumps your wife’s (she who’s been perfect for the last 8-10 years) feelings.

PurplePlumGreenJar · 06/01/2019 19:19

EOW for 8 years is roughly 208 weekends or 416 days from age 7-9 and 5-7. Even ex-wife couldn’t shit stirr that much....

PrettyLovely1 · 06/01/2019 19:24

Regarding the kids contact with the family it may have not always been eow, contact can change over time, I didnt think eow contact was actually that bad for teenagers of 15 and 17 as they usually like to do their own thing at that age with their friends.
If there is a problem here regarding that it wont be cured with going to a wedding.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 06/01/2019 19:35

Your brother is an arse
A horrible cruel arse

He is excluding kids that have been in your life for nearly a decade
I would have a quiet word , pay for them to attend and explain that the repercussions will be painful and best avoided

Yabbers · 06/01/2019 19:41

First time your wife has asked anything of you in ten years and you decide your relationship with your brother is more important than your relationship with your wife. Nice.

I only hope you decide to tell the truth to anyone who asks why she isn’t with you at the wedding. But you won’t. You’ll make up some reason which makes it her fault she isn’t there. Can’t have your brother being outed as a first prize prick, and you as runner up, can you?

Kikipost · 06/01/2019 19:41

But it’s not rich versus poor

I’m certainly not poor and yet I feel as though I’ve been hood winked.

IMissGin · 06/01/2019 19:56

Wow, I felt sorry for you at first. Now you come across as an insufferable prick. I hope your wife doesn’t let any of her children near this event- including the one ‘important’ enough to be invited. I then hope she reconsiders your relationship.

Disfordarkchocolate · 06/01/2019 20:02

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/stepparenting/3191560-Excluded-from-Wedding
A cautionary tale of step-family wedding exclusion.

CoughLaughFart · 06/01/2019 22:36

why do you not have anyone that you can talk to about this ... ? No colleagues,long standing neighbours or old school or uni friends? Or is it you are too embarrassed for those in your circle to know ? It’s what you haven’t told us and I imagine it would be quite illuminating!!

Eh? Surely if you follow that logic we should just shut Mumsnet down altogether! It’s obviously just full of vile people who are too awful to have anyone to talk to in real life. No one could possibly want an outsider’s opinion...

Some of the responses to this thread have been utterly, utterly vile. Calling the OP an unfit parent because his children aren’t close to their step-siblings? Beyond trashy. These are near-adults who didn’t choose this situation. If either of my parents had tried to tell 17 year-old me that I couldn’t attend my own uncle’s wedding because of the children of someone they’d happened to marry, I would have told them where to go.

CoughLaughFart · 06/01/2019 22:44

Regarding the kids contact with the family it may have not always been eow, contact can change over time, I didnt think eow contact was actually that bad for teenagers of 15 and 17 as they usually like to do their own thing at that age with their friends.

It's really not uncommon in shared custody arrangements. How do you know the OP even lives close enough to make more regular visits viable?

As the OP’s stepchildren still have contact with their father, it may well be that they’re not even there for many of his children’s visits. Why are so many people acting like it’s a family tragedy that these youngsters aren’t close?

Graphista · 06/01/2019 22:57

Does he have other nieces/nephews apart from your children (and I include your stepchildren in 'your children')

I have 4 cousins that are actually step cousins but as far as I and the rest of the family are concerned they are cousins/grandchildren/nieces/nephews simple as!

If the "blood" relations of that generation were invited to an event so were they!

They are/were treated exactly the same as my siblings and I and the other cousins.

Your brother sounds a twat frankly!

PrettyLovely1 · 07/01/2019 06:03

"It's really not uncommon in shared custody arrangements. How do you know the OP even lives close enough to make more regular visits viable?"

I dont and I never claimed to know if they lived close enough what a bizarre reply to my comment.Confused
My post was just another thought to throw out there that nobody actually knows if contact was always eow as it can change over time it also generally changes over time as the kids get older and express what they want in regards to contact.

CoughLaughFart · 07/01/2019 08:33

I don’t think it was a ‘bizarre’ comment at all. But I will clarify that it wasn’t aimed solely at you - others have tried to claim that the OP is somehow a terrible father for only seeing his kids every other weekend. There may well be no ‘only’ about it.

Lalala89 · 07/01/2019 09:29

What a horrible position to be in. Your wife is being very understanding considering your brother doesn't class the children who live and have lived with you full time for the last 10years as family. It doesn't seem he respects your family/life at all. I'm so sorry OP. Good luck!

PrettyLovely1 · 07/01/2019 10:16

"I don’t think it was a ‘bizarre’ comment at all. But I will clarify that it wasn’t aimed solely at you - "

I do as you aimed it at me highlighting my post and writing underneath asking a question asking "How do you know" that is aiming a question at a particular person.
When I myself was talking about why the arrangement COULD be eow anyway, you were questioning me on how do I know that they dont see him because of distance. I didnt say in any of my post this is definately the case, so your reply was bizarre to what I wrote it made no sense.

worridmum · 07/01/2019 10:47

The thing is has your wife family invited your older children to events or not?

Because if your wife family has not since they "dont" live with you so not needing to be invitied would make this invite look more in context.

My friend had this with her 2 oldest children the ex new wife kicked off that her children were not invited to a uncles wedding (so step nephews) and kicked a mighty stink yet she forgot the 3 family weddings / christinings her family had that did NOT invite his 2 older children and she said thats completely different since they dont live with her so should not get invited hypocrisy and all.

MadMum101 · 07/01/2019 11:34

I was just coming on to say that Worrid, if the 2nd wife expects her DC to seen as as much a part of the OP's extended family as his bio DC, I do hope that the OP's bio DC are viewed the same way by her own family, no matter that they don't get to live with their Dad full time?

Poor bio DC. They already have to share their Dad with kids who already have a Dad, those kids spend more time with him than they do. Brother may not look on the step kids as his own family, more his brothers wife's family, as is his right, as I'm sure he is aware they have their own Dad and his family. You cannot dictate other people's thoughts.

OP's wife sounds like a nightmare.

StressedToTheMaxx · 07/01/2019 11:58

I am aware they are 17 and 15. They are still children. If they are not physically taken to the wedding they won't get there.
Again that's why I asked "have you discussed the situation with your ex wife?"
Your assuming ex wife wouldn't support the region's of the children not going but all the poster said was he told them he wouldn't be going.

From my situation if my ex- regardless of how well I got on with his family- asked the children not to go, then they would not go.
Why does the ex wife have so much say in a family she is no longer a part of.

Lizzie48 · 07/01/2019 12:22

That depends on the 17 year old. My DNephew, who learnt to drive at that age, would be able to get himself there. Other 17 year olds drive motorcycles. Or if he has a part-time job, he'll be able to pay for public transport.

I actually get the impression that he is capable of getting there. When his dad said he wasn't going, he said he would feel humiliated going on his own, not that he wouldn't be able to get there.

It might be a different ball game for the 15 year old, obviously.

CoughLaughFart · 07/01/2019 12:26

How do you know" that is aiming a question at a particular person.

Because I couldn’t quote everyone who’d said similar things. You’re overthinking this.

CoughLaughFart · 07/01/2019 12:29

I am aware they are 17 and 15. They are still children. If they are not physically taken to the wedding they won't get there.

Really? 17 and 15 year-olds can’t get a bus or a train? They couldn’t get a lift with their grandparents, or any of the other relatives going to the wedding?

Why does the ex wife have so much say in a family she is no longer a part of.

She’s the mother of the eldest two. How is she not part of their family?

Lizzie48 · 07/01/2019 12:37

@CoughLaughFart

Precisely, I don't get that post at all. I was travelling by public transport by the age of 17, no problem. The 15 year old might struggle, but presumably he's been going to school on his own for some years and he could tag along with his brother.

Also, the 17 year old has been invited to be an attendant, and is therefore part of the bridal party. So yes, a lift will probably be arranged for them. (Yes, maybe they shouldn't want to go, but they're unlikely to have a problem getting there.)

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