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Excluded from Wedding

(713 Posts)
WeekendNews9 Sun 11-Mar-18 22:36:19

Has anyone had any experiences of SM's being excluded from SDs wedding? DH broke the news to me today and just seems to accept thats how it is. I'm really upset. DH doesn't seem that bothered, told me and then simply changed the subject. Now don't know what to do?

Fishface77 Sun 11-Mar-18 22:38:39

What do you mean by excluded?
As In not invited at all?
Is the other step parent excluded too (if there are any)?
Your DH doesn’t sound very nice but I suppose he’s worried he will be excluded too if he brings it up.

kerryweaverscrutch Sun 11-Mar-18 22:38:57

I would imagine there is a huge back story to this, and no-one can advise you as we don't know any of the details

PurpleDaisies Sun 11-Mar-18 22:39:57

Do you and the bride’s mum not get on?

greendale17 Sun 11-Mar-18 22:43:43

*DH broke the news to me today and just seems to accept thats how it is.*

I firmly believe people should only invite who they want to for their wedding.

In this case your SD has chosen not to invite you.

LoremIpsumMum Sun 11-Mar-18 22:45:44

What is your relationship like with your SD? Does she think of you as SM or as her father's wife?
What is your relationship like with your SD's mother? Is it rocky? Or would it be painful for someone to have you there? Does the bride want a day where her parents can fulfil the traditional roles, sit on top table etc??Just trying to guess why they might have excluded you?
Also, what is their budget? If they are keeping the guest list very small, it might have something to do with how much they can afford to spend?

Lobsterface Sun 11-Mar-18 22:46:25

How sad, do you get on well usually?

Prettylovely Sun 11-Mar-18 22:46:33

How long have you been together?
Whats your relationship like?

CotswoldStrife Sun 11-Mar-18 22:47:35

Also waiting for the back story here.

Wdigin2this Sun 11-Mar-18 22:52:04

Waiting for OP to come back!

WeekendNews9 Sun 11-Mar-18 23:01:02

Fair question but no back story to give. SM for 20 years, all family gathering that have happened include her mum so often spoke etc. DH has offered no further explanation.

kerryweaverscrutch Sun 11-Mar-18 23:03:27

Seriously, you get on perfectly well with everyone and this has just come out of the blue with no reason you know of and no discussion?


PurpleDaisies Sun 11-Mar-18 23:03:54

If it’s come completely out of nowhere and there genuinely is no back story, I think it’s fair enough to push your husband for a reason.

Prettylovely Sun 11-Mar-18 23:05:19

Surely there's an explanation? Or is he just not telling you?
I think its unfair to not be invited if you have been there for 20years and no issues.

NotSureThisIsWhatIWant Sun 11-Mar-18 23:06:15

I would be beside myself. 20 years of being a stepmother certainly means a lot of care given to the child even if it was minimal.

Personally, I wouldn’t blame you if you want to keep them at arms length after this. Kindness is paid with kindness, same goes the other way.

They may be free to invite whomever they want to their wedding but you are also free not to take the snub sitting.

Lobsterface Sun 11-Mar-18 23:07:54

I firmly believe people should only invite who they want to for their wedding

That’s well and good but it seems rather sad to exclude your DFs wife of 20 years if there’s no reason. Sometimes you invite people for the sake of your family - i agree there must be more to this, but it will cause more bother not to invite than to have her there.

CotswoldStrife Sun 11-Mar-18 23:08:22

OP, were you the OW? Why do you think your SD got her father to tell you rather than speak to you herself?

junebirthdaygirl Sun 11-Mar-18 23:11:23

My friend who is married to a guy with grown up kids choose not to be invited to her sds wedding. She felt it was a time for the brides parents and wanted to make sure there was no awkwardness. She gets on brilliantly with all the kids but didn't want to usurp the mother of the bride in any way. But it was her own choice. It's difficult to be told you are not welcome.

UniversallyUnchallenged Sun 11-Mar-18 23:12:12


PrincessScarlett Sun 11-Mar-18 23:12:41

If you really get on well with everyone then I think it's bloody dreadful that you have not been invited and your DH is just accepting of this. You've been in their lives 20 years. What an insult!

WeekendNews9 Sun 11-Mar-18 23:17:56

I'm genuinely upset, DH talking at me about everything else except the wedding - it's just not normal. I would have thought he would be looking forward to it and wanting to talk about it

kerryweaverscrutch Sun 11-Mar-18 23:18:46

there has to be a reason, whether you know what it is or not.

NotAllTimsWearCapes Sun 11-Mar-18 23:20:56

It can’t be out of the blue. If it is, get on the phone to her and ask what’s prompted this decision.

Shadow666 Sun 11-Mar-18 23:21:24

Well, yes, people can invite who they want but people must also realize that actions have consequences.

NorthernSpirit Sun 11-Mar-18 23:23:28

I think that’s terrible. You’ve been with your DH and a SM in the child’s life for 20 years and you don’t get an invite or even an explanation? I’d be expecting the child to have some balls and explain the reason why. Your husband should be standing up for you.

I can see this happening at my DSD’s wedding. The oldest is only 12 now, my OH has been divorced for 5.5 years (and no, I wasn’t the OH). His EW still won’t speak to him. Won’t attend a parents evening with him or even be in the same room as him. I thought as time moved on it would get better - but it isn’t. The EW is so bitter and controlling (and manipulates the children) that I can imagine my OH (let alone me) won’t get an invite to the kids weddings.

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