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Original poster

Brother‘s Wedding and step-Kids

609 replies

ByScott · 31/12/2018 20:50

I am a 42 year old man and have created an account as I have no one to talk to in real life.
My wife is perfect and has not asked me for anything in 10 years. On Boxing Day she asked me to refuse to be best man and not to attend my brother’ Wedding.
My brother is in his late 30s is marrying for the first time, a good 10years older than when my cousins and I first got married. My mother did have a cry when her sister wasn’t invited. Over Christmas the invitations were given. My wife and children are invited but not my step-children. They are 13 and 15 and have lived with me for 8 years.
I did speak to my brother but he said he couldn’t justify inviting steps and not aunts and cousins. I cannot imagine my own kids refusing to go. I am shocked by my brother not including them and shocked about my wife‘s stance.

OP posts:
myrtleWilson · 31/12/2018 21:11

@Amirightorameringue His OP says the step children have lived with him for 8 years so in answer to your question, yes he sees them

Littlebluebird123 · 31/12/2018 21:11

How old are your children?

myrtleWilson · 31/12/2018 21:12

You say your children would think you were mad if it was suggested they don't go - but do they know their siblings have been excluded?

TulipsTwoLips · 31/12/2018 21:15

I can't believe you're even asking this tbh. Of course your step-children should be invited if your biological children are.

SummerGems · 31/12/2018 21:15

I’m going to disagree with your wife. Not attending your brother’s wedding is a very big deal. well perhaps the brother should have thought of that before acting like an arsehole and excluding half of the best man’s family. Bearing in mind that these are children who live with the OP not just ones who come over for contact every other weekend or whatever,although even then I wouldn’t advocate excluding them.

I wonder, if these children were adopted would they be excluded as well? Some people attach far too much importance to biology.

On the whole I think that people have the right to have child free weddings, I had one, but that means excluding all children not just the ones you think have earned a place in the family by being biologically related to it which incidentally isn’t true either since they are biologically related to the blood children who are invited.

If it were me I would refuse to go. And the brother would no longer be welcome in my (and my children’s) home.

Disfordarkchocolate · 31/12/2018 21:17

If you go it will be very difficult for your relationship with your wife and step children. You stand up for children, not see them treated as second class citizens. Are they your family or not?

ISmellBabies · 31/12/2018 21:17

How old are your children? Surely it's up to you and your wife if they go? Unless they aren't actually children anymore. If they are grown up and make their own decisions and their own way there, then there's not a lot you can do about them going, it's about you, your marriage and your step children. There is no way I'd go in your shoes. It sends the message to your brother, wife and all the children that your kids are not all equal, the bio ones are more important. How can you be OK with that? I think it would be very, very bad for your family unit if you agreed to go.

Awrite · 31/12/2018 21:18

Your brother is awful. How hurtful.

Your wife hasn't done anything wrong. Your brother has. Side with your wife.

bookwormsforever · 31/12/2018 21:19

Exactly how many people are invited? You say that your aunt has not been invited? That suggests small numbers/budget. How close is your dh to all your dc and step dc?

Drogosnextwife · 31/12/2018 21:20

I think your brother is an arse

Mrskeats · 31/12/2018 21:20

I’m with your wife too.

Exhsuatedmuch · 31/12/2018 21:21

Have to admit as your wife I'd be deeply upset that children you treated as family were not seen that way by your own family. To me it's either all children or none. I would not attend but would not have asked my husband not to attend.
We had a similar issue with one of our husbands friends a few years ago. I have three children only one of which is biologically related to hubby. He has always brought them up as his. They changed names and call him dad. Oddly when his friends married we and the eldest two were invited but our daughter ( his biological child) was not on the invite. When he checked if it was a mistake they said no she wasn't invited. The older two could come as they weren't too bad but they figured he'd want a break from the other one so didn't invite her and yes that was how it was phrased. It was so hurtful and needless to say I suggested he go alone. He never attended and they've not spoken since. It's all or none I think.

Lizzie48 · 31/12/2018 21:21

I'm definitely with your wife on this one, your brother is very much out of order here. My DSis is a stepmum, her DSS lived with her and his dad from the age of 10, so he's always been very much part of their family unit. We've always included him in any family events that we've organised, as he's as much a part of our extended family as my DSis's own DC.

You should be supporting your DW, if you don't, your relationship may not recover. Seriously.

Mumshappy · 31/12/2018 21:22

Ive been in this position a long time ago when i was married to exh. A cousin invited my dd and not my step dds to her wedding. I couldnt understand her reasoning as she herself is my uncles step daughter and had and always has been treated the same as my uncles biological children. We made the decision as a family not to go at all. Her position then changed and my step dds were invited but we still didnt go but passed on gift etc. I actually have a better relationship with her now than before after a bit of an awkward phase.

extremelymaturecheese · 31/12/2018 21:22

Your brother is behaving like a dick but you know that already, I bet.

I'd skip the wedding - even if your brother changes his mind, it's likely that your step kids would suffer exclusion at the wedding (i.e. shoved / photoshopped out of pictures / ignored etc.)

Save the money and annual leave that you would have lost on the wedding and any stag dos / presents etc.

TheMincePiesAreMine · 31/12/2018 21:24

Another option is you go but wife and all the children stay home.

You know them. It's "obvious" in MN world that you treat the children equally but maybe he hasn't got the experience to know that? Brides and grooms without children of their own get stuff like this wrong all the time, assuming friends can leave small babies for hen weekends and then getting offended when people decline, or thinking they can book a nanny to look after 10 toddlers and get offended when guests won't just dump their children there and "enjoy a child-free evening". Is it a misjudgement on his part rather than a personal affront?

I can see your wife's point but if it's "just" a crass misjudgement, refusing to attend point blank seems an incendiary response.

moanymoaner · 31/12/2018 21:25

Your brother is an arse. If it was a recent set up with step kids I might get it but 8 years , that's totally unfair and I am with your wife. If it was my family asking that I wouldn't go out of principle .

WatchingFromTheWings · 31/12/2018 21:25

I'd argue that if you attend without them you give his views validity frankly

I completely agree with this.

If no children were invited, fair enough. But to invite yours but not your step kids??? Not on!

Dollymixture22 · 31/12/2018 21:25

How close are you to your brother? If two children had been living with my brother for eight years the poor kids would be sick of the sight of me! I’d be auntie dolly whether they liked it or not!!

The only way I can rationalise this hurtful stance is he has never met your step kids and doesn’t really understand hat they are part of your family.

If he does live in the same country as you and visit surely he must understand who is in your family unit? Surely if you have conversations he hears all about your step kids and has developed an emotional attachment to his step nieces and nephews?

IMissGin · 31/12/2018 21:27

How old are the children that are invited?

Tattybear16 · 31/12/2018 21:27

You should support your wife, IMO your brother is a twat. Your children and wife come first, there is no distinction between your biological children and your step children, they are your family.

Howdoyoudoit31 · 31/12/2018 21:29

I agree with your wife.

Bingisatwat · 31/12/2018 21:29

This scenario happened to me, though I was the step child. My step dad (of 30 years) nephew sent out invites to his wedding and the step children of the family (me, my brother and another step nephew) were not invited. There was one blood nephew who was invited but clearly we were not viewed as family.
My step dad did not attend the wedding but it has caused major issues between him and my mum as they have argued a lot about how his family view us, his children. It was not an issue of money or space either as my stepdads brother is very wealthy and paid for everything.
If you and your children go expect it to cause a lot of bad feeling towards you from your wife at the very least.

DeRigueurMortis · 31/12/2018 21:30

Don't know if I'm correct but I assumed the OP's bio children are older (adults) and thus not necessarily close/have lived with his step children and that he is in a position to dictate whether they attend or not.

Clarification would be useful on these points OP.

That said, it doesn't change my opinion.

If your children are adults they are free to make their own choices.

What would make a difference is if it was a child free wedding and your step children were not invited as they are children but your bio kids were adults and thus received an invitation on that basis.

However, given the comments about other family members being invited I don't believe this is the case.

It's tough because i think even if you get your brother to relent the damage has been done.

In your wife's place I wouldn't attend now even if he sent over handwritten invitations with VIP status wrapped in a bow....

So you do have to choose between your wife and brother.

She's making a stand on behalf of her children. He's being a tosser.

Which mast you pin your flag on says what sort of person you are.....

HoneyDoo · 31/12/2018 21:31

Your children attending is fine, your attendance WITHOUT your wife and your other children is not. You would be sending a clear message that your loyalty is with your brother and not your immediate family. 8 years is a long time. You say your wife has never asked you for anything, give her your support. She must feel so rejected and very, very hurt and angry for her children.

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