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Original poster

Brother‘s Wedding and step-Kids

609 replies

ByScott · 31/12/2018 20:50

I am a 42 year old man and have created an account as I have no one to talk to in real life.
My wife is perfect and has not asked me for anything in 10 years. On Boxing Day she asked me to refuse to be best man and not to attend my brother’ Wedding.
My brother is in his late 30s is marrying for the first time, a good 10years older than when my cousins and I first got married. My mother did have a cry when her sister wasn’t invited. Over Christmas the invitations were given. My wife and children are invited but not my step-children. They are 13 and 15 and have lived with me for 8 years.
I did speak to my brother but he said he couldn’t justify inviting steps and not aunts and cousins. I cannot imagine my own kids refusing to go. I am shocked by my brother not including them and shocked about my wife‘s stance.

OP posts:
EWAB · 05/01/2019 16:38

My obsession with this thread says more about me I think it’s shit but the step-kids ( who I would have invited) do have their own family.
However you can’t stop the bio kids going to a wedding in their family. You treat all kids the same in your own house even the neighbour’s kid who has come for his tea but this isn’t your gig it’s your brother’s!
I doubt this will end your marriage. Everyone has different priorities and on your brother’s wedding it’s your kids not your step-kids who are yours.

WhoGivesADamnForAFlakeyBandit · 05/01/2019 16:53

So OP sees his children EOW. He's lived with his stepchildren full time, except EOW for the last 8 years. So he's probably spent more time with his DSC than his DC over that time. How many of those weekends was there an overlap with the two groups of kids? Wedding (and brother) aside - what has -or hasn't - happened to the relationship between the children?

Ferret27 · 05/01/2019 16:55

Whyisarealname .... you are are twisted .... and morally inept....why is his current family only temporary .... is that including the child he and his current wife have had together?
He has presented the issue to his brother as being his wife’s reaction and his brothers opinion being the issue causing him angst .... it is not
His problem lies in how he does not view all of his children in the same way, the divisions in this family are there because he is has not handled this with maturity and insight ... and mostly because his blood family lack compassion... money is not this families issue it is a poor attitude to other people’s feelings ... this wedding has been weaponised to cause a rift where none appeared before ....

saminlondon · 05/01/2019 17:32

Your wife shouldn't be asking you to jeopardise your relationship with your brother FULL STOP.
It's his bbq so his rules.
Go and be best man - she needs to deal with it.

Consolidatedyourloins · 05/01/2019 17:41

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Consolidatedyourloins · 05/01/2019 17:41

*has asked him

Consolidatedyourloins · 05/01/2019 17:43

Thinking about it, I think your DB sounds like he's been jealous of you all these years. 'Two weddings that other people paid for' who the hell says something like that???Whereas he's only just now getting married for the first time.*

Totally agree Lizzie48.

As I said at the beginning of the thread OP, I wouldn't be having Groomzilla and SIL round for dinner any time soon.

saminlondon · 05/01/2019 17:43

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Consolidatedyourloins · 05/01/2019 17:44

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saminlondon · 05/01/2019 17:47

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Consolidatedyourloins · 05/01/2019 17:49

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saminlondon · 05/01/2019 17:54

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WestBerlin · 05/01/2019 17:59

If I were the OP I’d step away from this thread now. He’s already reached a conclusion and all that’s left now is people getting irate and slinging insults.

Ethel80 · 05/01/2019 17:59

It's such a shame that your older children aren't bothered about their step-siblings not coming. I guess they're young and a bit selfish but I don't understand why they can't see how shit this is.

I guess you (and only you really) has to make a decision. Do you feel like going without your wife is going to have a negative impact on your marriage at a later date? How do you feel about your brother and your relationship now?

It feels like he really doesn't give a shit as he could sort this by adding two more people to the guest list.

I'd be tempted to tell your brother to fuck off frankly. As others have said, he sounds even worse after your update.

My friend has stepchildren and a daughter with her husband. From the moment they got together these children became part of our lives. Weddings, birthdays, christenings etc It would absolutely never enter my head not to include them because they're stepkids.

I think your wife is being very understanding in the circumstances, I'm not sure I'd be so kind and would never feel welcome in your family again.

moredoll · 05/01/2019 18:03

You say your wife's children are not going. I'm assuming that her youngest is. This is a great way to make divisions between siblings who live together.

Consolidatedyourloins · 05/01/2019 18:05

Oh humble and educated one.
Hate to break it to you - you're not the arbiter of what is 'welcome'.

What would you call it when you post comments without having read OP's posts and call it drivel?

Why would you think that would be welcome? And why even bother posting if it's drivel?

FuckingYuleLog · 05/01/2019 18:06

You can’t honestly expect your wife to go op. If you’re going to put your bio kids first you can’t complain if she does the same.

WestBerlin · 05/01/2019 18:08

I don’t think it’s fair to call his children selfish. Why should they consider the step children to be siblings? They weren’t raised with them, and had no choice in gaining them.

I think too often we expect children to emotionally fall in line with adult decisions and then get upset when it doesn’t work out.

RagingWhoreBag · 05/01/2019 18:16

I don’t think it’s fair to call his children selfish. Why should they consider the step children to be siblings? They weren’t raised with them, and had no choice in gaining them.

So because the OP’s kids haven’t lived full time with the step DCs, they’re not really family? In that case the OP isn’t really their dad, as he only sees his DCs every other weekend. He’s more of a dad to the ones he lives with 85% of the time. I wonder how he’d have felt if his brother had invited the wife’s DCs but not his, because you know, they’re not really family as they don’t live with him.

Ethel80 · 05/01/2019 18:18

@WestBerlin They're old enough to consider the family dynamics and realise that their uncle is causing problems unnecessarily.

I don't think they're selfish for going but I think they are for not considering the impact of their uncle's decision.

Mangoo · 05/01/2019 18:19

So because the OP’s kids haven’t lived full time with the step DCs, they’re not really family?

The children may well see it like that, yes.

They are children that they see EOW if they are even around during their contact time with OP. It isn't completely outside the realms of possibility that they may not have such a big bond with them.

RagingWhoreBag · 05/01/2019 18:30

The children may well see it like that, yes.. Yes, as they’re children. For OP’s adult brother and his fiancée not to understand the rift they’ve caused is a bit shit tbh.

I’ve been with my DP for 6 years. His family clearly don’t see my DCs as part of the family and the way they talk when we’re all together is frankly quite hurtful, to me and my DCs. There is one member of his family who always includes my DCs, buys them a gift at Xmas, includes their name in cards etc and it means the world to me.

My family conversely have always remembered DP’s kids’ birthdays and bought them gifts at Xmas. Until this year. They have barely seen DP’s kids this year - if at all - so decided they’d rather spend more on mine. I wasn’t going to argue with that tbh as DP, much like OP has apparently never given a moments thought to my DCs feeling left out. Even when family photos are being taken and everyone is ushered into the pic except them, and I’m called over - to take the photo.

WestBerlin · 05/01/2019 18:33

Hmm of course they’re his children. The point is the step children aren’t, they have their own father and their own paternal family.

The biological children shouldn’t be expected to see the steps as family/siblings because adults chose to blend families. I wouldn’t (I didn’t). It’s one of the risks you take when you blend families, whether you like it or not.

EWAB · 05/01/2019 19:30

The little half-sibling has to go because otherwise the lesson will be that half-siblings on their mother’s side are more important than the half-siblings on their father’s. However, I think it can just be explained logically to them.
I would love to know what other members of the family think and what the nature of the wedding is but ultimately it is their wedding.

PrettyLovely1 · 05/01/2019 20:11

"The little half-sibling has to go because otherwise the lesson will be that half-siblings on their mother’s side are more important than the half-siblings on their father’s."

I dont get this? What do you mean? Why would it?

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