Brother‘s Wedding and step-Kids

[ByScott]

I am a 42 year old man and have created an account as I have no one to talk to in real life.
My wife is perfect and has not asked me for anything in 10 years. On Boxing Day she asked me to refuse to be best man and not to attend my brother’ Wedding.
My brother is in his late 30s is marrying for the first time, a good 10years older than when my cousins and I first got married. My mother did have a cry when her sister wasn’t invited. Over Christmas the invitations were given. My wife and children are invited but not my step-children. They are 13 and 15 and have lived with me for 8 years.
I did speak to my brother but he said he couldn’t justify inviting steps and not aunts and cousins. I cannot imagine my own kids refusing to go. I am shocked by my brother not including them and shocked about my wife‘s stance.

I'm not surprised that the OP's biological children don't feel that the people who are not related to them by blood, and with whom they have never lived, are not their siblings. They may well feel that they stole their father. Adults split and blend families. All the children involved get no choice in the matter. Sometimes it will work less well than others. The children should never be the ones that get the blame for that.

I don’t think that’s the high ground at all, what about the damage that could do between him and his children? His children and his wife? Why should he be expected to potentially destroy those relationships?

It’s fine if there’s no distinction between steps and biological in your family, but that is not the case in all and nor should it be expected to be. The biological children clearly don’t see the step children as siblings, and I doubt the OP sees himself as their father either, as he’s already said they have a good relationship with theirs.

I see a wedding as the joining of two families, a celebration of their love and commitment

Yes. The bride and groom are celebrating their love.

The groom doesn't consider his SILS children his family.

They don't have a relationship.

What your brother has done is cleave an axe through your family unit

Talk about dramatic. I would question how strong the family was if this breaks them.

I'm sure your DB would walk past your SC in the street because he doesn't really know them.

Steps and children should be treated equally in the home they reside. Expecting the rest of your family to do the same is unrealistic and it's expecting too much.

They have no obligation to see your SC as their family. Your DC were invited as your DBs niece/nephews.

It's about the relationship the Bride/Groom have with the guests... not relationship by extension.

They clearly wanted only those very close to them (hence Aunts and cousins) were not invited. I can see why they don't want teenagers who quite frankly are no relation to them at their intimate wedding. It's not a free for all wedding.

@WestBerlin

I don’t think that’s the high ground at all, what about the damage that could do between him and his children

I agree.

I think there are so many second wives here and they're taking it personally.

The one person who barely gets a mention in this story is the one person I feel sorry for - the bride. The bride is usually the centre of attention in any wedding planning (more so than the groom, rightly or wrongly). Her fiancé’s family has done everything possible to make it all about THEM.

Mother-in-law to be is in tears because aunties aren’t invited. Sister-in-law is ‘sobbing’ because her children aren’t invited. The best man caves in to his wife’s emotional blackmail, only for his children to then be in tears because their dad won’t go. It all sounds like a massive overdose of drama and me, me, me. The poor cow must be wondering what the hell she’s marrying into.

@CoughLaughFart
You raise a good point. Such an overreaction telling her DH to decline being best man.

If my DH suggested I decline being a bridesmaid because his DC were not invited to my Dsis wedding... I would be far from impressed.

I would accept that his kids are really nothing to my Dsis and her Fiance. Just as I'd accept my DC may not be invited to his brothers wedding...because they simply aren't significant in their lives.

Gosh Sandy and Cough are you both the happy couple?

I always find comments like that bizarre (and a bit desperate to be honest).

I can’t speak for Sandy, but no - I’m neither the bride nor the groom. Just someone who thinks an awful lot of people in this story have made someone else’s wedding all about them.

I'd go to service be best man then leave. Go on ur own leave ur wife and all kids at home. Even my cousin invited my step daughter to her wedding (she had never met her) bcoz she knows she's my family.

I would accept that his kids are really nothing to my Dsis and her Fiance

That’s the bottom line.

And just to reiterate, I wouldn’t have cared at all if I wasn’t invited to my step mum’s sibling’s wedding and my dad certainly wouldn’t have banned my step mum from being maid of honour nor would he have told her not to go.

You just don’t decide at a wedding to invite guests and their family units, and then chop off half their family unit!

It’s horrible, it’s excluding and pretty nasty really. Especially as they have decided which kids were family and which aren’t.

I’d like to see this argument if the brother had adopted a kid. Invite to read ‘only blood related children, no adoptees’.

Can you imagine? It’s the same thing.

I don't believe adopted children are the same as step children at all - step children already have a mum & dad, the step parents are additional. Totally not the same as adopted children. I don't know anyone in real life who thinks those relationships are the same at all

The point is @oldowl it’s not your family unit, you have no idea how close people are to their kids, adopted, step or not. And adoptees do have a Mum and Dad, some of them keep up a relationship with them. Does that make them drop off the invite list for you?

You could have your own family and marry someone with kids already, and decide your step kids aren’t part of your family unit if you want (and good luck with that! Try posting that on the step forums) - but other people do not exclude those in your unit that you feel are important.

Bananas completely agree. And with the step kids living with OP I think it cements them even more as a family unit.

As a step mum myself, I'd be offended if my step kids weren't invited to a family gathering that my DS was invited to.

Maybe it's down to cost? It's impossible to invite everyone if it makes you in debt. I think you should accept the invite graciously and not worry about it, after all it's your brothers wedding not yours.

I don’t think cost is an excuse. You wouldn’t, say, invite all married couples but not those ‘living in sin’.

On this case, they are inviting half their family unit. That’s just divisive, rude and upsetting. All kids, or no kids. All couples, or no couples.

It’s understandable to have some different rules e.g. family units of close family, but single people invited only who are colleagues. That makes sense. But not this. I’d be so offended.

It seems people are easily offended.

Not at all. I’m not easily offended and not is the OP.

If you are okay with having close relatives exclude half your family unit, who are children, then you don’t have a heart.

I'm just realistic. Not everyone can afford to invite everyone. Lots of people exclude all kids from weddings eg

I don’t think cost is an excuse. You wouldn’t, say, invite all married couples but not those ‘living in sin. Want a bet?! Look through the wedding threads on here - this is totally a thing!

All kids is fine. I’ve gone to weddings without my kids, as no other kids were there / been invited. However if my step kids had only been excluded but my ‘real’ kids hadn’t, that’s different.

Yes I’m sure there are @raging but I bet there are threads about it because people are upset their long term partner isn’t there! It’s basically saying their partner doesn’t matter to the wedded couple. That’s arguably okay if they are not friends or are distant family. But we are talking the brother of the groom!

Totally not the same as adopted children. I don't know anyone in real life who thinks those relationships are the same at all

Agreed. I’ve seen step mums on here comparing their relationship with their step kids to adopted parents and being completely blasted!

@SandyY2K

Why are the stepchildren his priority? He doesn't even have parental responsibility for them.
His children are his priority.

All the little people under his roof are his responsibility! You dont marry a woman who has kids and not take the kids on as your own. Its his job to stand up for them and look out for them physically and emotionally.

Weddings are not easy! Someone is going to get offended somewhere along the libe but it absolutely shouldnt be a child.

The ‘little people’? They’re not Fisher Price toys.

I bet the stepchildren don’t give a shit. This is all just an excuse for the OP’s wife to cause drama.

@CoughLaughFart

That doesn't make any sense, though, as the OP himself said that she had never made a fuss about anything before. He had no reason to make that one up.

It sounds to me more likely to be the case that his family have form for completely disregarding his new family and she's finally snapped. (Although she tellingly backed down about it, which may also be a pattern, her keeping the peace.)