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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Brother‘s Wedding and step-Kids

609 replies

ByScott · 31/12/2018 20:50

I am a 42 year old man and have created an account as I have no one to talk to in real life.
My wife is perfect and has not asked me for anything in 10 years. On Boxing Day she asked me to refuse to be best man and not to attend my brother’ Wedding.
My brother is in his late 30s is marrying for the first time, a good 10years older than when my cousins and I first got married. My mother did have a cry when her sister wasn’t invited. Over Christmas the invitations were given. My wife and children are invited but not my step-children. They are 13 and 15 and have lived with me for 8 years.
I did speak to my brother but he said he couldn’t justify inviting steps and not aunts and cousins. I cannot imagine my own kids refusing to go. I am shocked by my brother not including them and shocked about my wife‘s stance.

OP posts:
FuckingYuleLog · 05/01/2019 20:11

It’s not the step children’s fault though I think they should be able to see things from the perspective of their step siblings, their father and their step mum at the age they are.
It is the brothers fault entirely. However the older children feel about their step siblings their dad loves them and has been a father figure to them from very young. The brother has been incredibly insensitive to categorise them outside of the close family and not worthy of an invitation. Yes, he’s the groom and can invite who he wants but there are some things you just don’t do such as invite 1/2 of a married couple or just some children from a family (whether they are step, half, adopted siblings or whatever).
The brother also clearly isn’t bothered about the ops youngest bio child going. You would have to be pretty shortsighted not to consider that his mum may be unwilling to have one of her children attend when the other 2 have no invitation.

FuckingYuleLog · 05/01/2019 20:13

If the older bio children feel pushed out or resentful at only seeing their dad eow (is there a reason for it being so infrequent?) I don’t think this is the time to be making a grand gesture. If I was the op I’d be looking at how I can spend some more time with them regularly rather than just rocking up for one event. There is clearly some bitterness there.

Whyisareallthenamestaken · 05/01/2019 20:15

@Ferret27 there is nothing twisted....in calling a spade a spade. I can decide to have a blended family if I want, but I certainly can't force everyone to accept it. The step children have no relationship to his brother simple.

PrettyLovely1 · 05/01/2019 20:15

"You can’t honestly expect your wife to go op. If you’re going to put your bio kids first you can’t complain if she does the same."

I actually think OP does think that, He will probably grind the poor lady down, after all she isnt allowed any feelings in their relationship its too shocking apparently. He wants her to be a good little wifey and play ball.

EWAB · 05/01/2019 20:22

What reason would you leave the little one out?

PrettyLovely1 · 05/01/2019 20:26

I was asking you @ewab what you meant by you saying it would mean that the youngest bio kid was more important if they didnt go? Why would it?

crispysausagerolls · 05/01/2019 22:37

What the actual fuck?!?!

I would think it’s pretty clear that after EIGHT YEARS you are family and he should’ve invited everyone. Your update is awful and I can’t believe you would accept his bullshit and go without the children.

FuckingYuleLog · 05/01/2019 22:46

Do you mean why wouldn’t you take the little one? I’m assuming that the mum doesn’t want them going to the wedding of a horribly insensitive man who treats her older children as second class family members and has caused trouble in her family for the sake of the cost of 2 dinners.

PrettyLovely1 · 05/01/2019 22:52

Totally with you there @FuckingYuleLog

DragginBallsEEEE · 05/01/2019 23:13

If your wife's sister was getting married would she invite your older kids and if not, how would you feel about that?

BumbleBeee69 · 05/01/2019 23:28

If your wife's sister was getting married would she invite your older kids and if not, how would you feel about that?

I would think that having brought up his wifes Children from the ages of 5 and 7, then reversing the situations, ie his wife bringing up his small children, it would be right for his wife’s sister to invite them. They are a family unit of 8 years. Flowers

not sure how OP would see it though, as his thoughts are bordering on a mystery Hmm

MinorRSole · 05/01/2019 23:51

Its actually irrelevant what the children think of each other in this situation. It's an adult event with adults making the decisions - and they should all know better!

incywincybitofa · 05/01/2019 23:57

A lot of talk of blood being thicker than water but that so often is a myth rather than reality for families.
I can see why it's taken your brother so long to find someone who thinks he's worth marrying.
I agree whilst your brother thinks his fiancee is worth defending you dont think that your wife's children are.

Notwiththeseknees · 06/01/2019 08:06

I hope every guest asks you where your wife & (s)children are. The looks on their faces when you tell them the absolute truth will tell you what you should have done. Because you will be fine to tell everyone the truth, won't you?

Ferret27 · 06/01/2019 09:25

British weddings are becoming more and more divisive and reflective of a a horrible change in our society ... where individuals put them selves first ... no concern for family, friends or community ... justifying actions and decisions based on this right to do what I Please as it’s ‘ our day’

This couple have acted in a way that has distressed your mother ... in regard to your aunt ( oh and the thoughtless timing of doing this over Christmas) I wonder how many people on all sides of their family they have upset.. and why do you not have anyone that you can talk to about this ... ? No colleagues,long standing neighbours or old school or uni friends? Or is it you are too embarrassed for those in your circle to know ? It’s what you haven’t told us and I imagine it would be quite illuminating!!

Granof4 · 06/01/2019 12:09

You have to talk to your brother and emphasise that you are a family and cannot accept part of that family being excluded from any family occasion. If you accept your brother’s rather warped attitude above the feelings and wellbeing of your wife and children -all the children - then you may find you do irreparable damage to your future family relationships. You risk not only your wife’s lasting hurt but her children’s hurt towards both you and your children if none of you support their place in the family. I would also be disappointed if your children think this is a reasonable situation and don’t support their step siblings.

Dotty1970 · 06/01/2019 12:15

That's awful.
I wouldn't go, actually we don't attend any weddings where the children and step children aren't invited.

humblesims · 06/01/2019 12:34

Basically you have been put in a position to pick a side. Either your brother or your family unit. Its not fair to be put in that position but there you go. It sounds to me like your wife has been perfectly reasonable and your brother has not. Personally I would be on your wifes side and politely decline the invitation and state clearly the reason for that. If this creates a rift with your brother it will not be your fault. If you chose your brother over your wife and it creates a rift with your wife it will be your fault. Just my opinion.

Tistheseason17 · 06/01/2019 13:10

What @humblesims says.

Easy decision I would hope is to support your wife. No way should you be best man to your brother. Commenting on your "2 paid for" weddings rings major jealousy bells and I actually think he has purposely not invited them to cause you issues. Total A*se

HannahnotAgnes · 06/01/2019 13:18

Except @humblesims not going would upset his 2 oldest bio-DCs, so it's not a clear cut as your post implies.

Wallywobbles · 06/01/2019 13:54

DH said he'd not be going. End of discussion. Dbil was his best man.

FuckingYuleLog · 06/01/2019 15:40

For the eldest dcs to be so upset that their dad isn’t going they clearly already feel second fiddle to the ops new family. Maybe seeing them more than once a fortnight might help that rather than a grand gesture of ‘choosing them’ over his step children and wife in this scenario?

Lizzie48 · 06/01/2019 16:06

For the eldest dcs to be so upset that their dad isn’t going they clearly already feel second fiddle to the ops new family. Maybe seeing them more than once a fortnight might help that rather than a grand gesture of ‘choosing them’ over his step children and wife in this scenario?

Now that does make a lot of sense.

EWAB · 06/01/2019 16:56

This is a completely shit situation and the complication is the older bio kids who right from the initial post want to go to their uncle’s wedding- totally valid. It’s not as simple as family unit versus brother as the eldest bio kids are on Team Uncle.
OP has now decided to go ( as I always suspected) because of his eldest kids and his wife has taken the moral high ground and now asked him to go.
As far as his youngest child I think if his wife stops that child going she will lose moral high ground. The OP says that his youngest child ‘gets’ the relationships so I don’t think it’s too hard to get that the half siblings that live with them aren’t related to the uncle.
I think it will cause irreparable damage to the OP and his kids and the non-resident half siblings and the little one if OP and little one don’t go.
Shit situation caused by the brother!
If the subject however is returned to for the third time by the OP to his brother he will be accused of making it all about him and his family.
We don’t know what the nuance of the reference to the OP’s two wedding. It might be jealousy or it just might be “You have had your day (twice) and presumably invited who you liked now let me have my day.”. You know what I found sad? It was the brother saying he liked the kids. This almost makes it irresolvable as they have really thought about it. Sad! Lose lose for the OP.

StressedToTheMaxx · 06/01/2019 18:35

I would not be going to the wedding. And I would not be letting any of the children invited go either.
Have you discussed the situation with your ex wife?
(And with respect to your biological children) Children are children. They can cry at the decisions you make but they will get over it. When they are older they will understand the important message you would be sending out by standing by your family. All you are teaching your biological children is, if we cry daddy will drop all his principles and give us what we want.