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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Brother‘s Wedding and step-Kids

609 replies

ByScott · 31/12/2018 20:50

I am a 42 year old man and have created an account as I have no one to talk to in real life.
My wife is perfect and has not asked me for anything in 10 years. On Boxing Day she asked me to refuse to be best man and not to attend my brother’ Wedding.
My brother is in his late 30s is marrying for the first time, a good 10years older than when my cousins and I first got married. My mother did have a cry when her sister wasn’t invited. Over Christmas the invitations were given. My wife and children are invited but not my step-children. They are 13 and 15 and have lived with me for 8 years.
I did speak to my brother but he said he couldn’t justify inviting steps and not aunts and cousins. I cannot imagine my own kids refusing to go. I am shocked by my brother not including them and shocked about my wife‘s stance.

OP posts:
rookiemere · 07/01/2019 12:39

Presumably the ex wife is involved because she would see the non attendance of her DCs at their uncles wedding as detrimental to them.

They only see their DF once a fortnight so goodness knows how infrequently they see their other paternal relatives. Expecting them to take the side of their step siblings who they see once a fortnight and who get to live full time with their DF in preference to spending time with their extended family seems unlikely and imho unfair and quite rightly their DM has articulated this for them

PrettyLovely1 · 07/01/2019 12:42

@CoughLaughFart there was nothing to overthink its what you wrote.
NevermindGrin

Lizzie48 · 07/01/2019 12:45

It's actually possible that they're closer to their uncle than to their dad. Maybe the uncle, who is childless and has been single until recently, has had more time for them than his dad, who only sees them EOW and has a second family.

WestBerlin · 07/01/2019 12:58

If you really would ban your children from attending a family wedding for the sake of the children of someone you decided to marry, who they weren’t even close to, then you would seriously risk damaging your long term relationship with them.

It’s not a case of children not understanding, or that they’ll naturally come round to your way of thinking after a small sulk because you know best. They have their own thoughts, feelings and perspectives. Ones that may not suit you, but it’s you that has to deal with that, not them. You make a decision to become a blended family, you can’t dictate how anyone else thinks or feels about that.

QueenofmyPrinces · 07/01/2019 13:28

I can’t believe it’s been suggested that OP tells his own biological child they can’t go to the wedding. That’s absolutely ridiculous.

They have no responsibilities towards their step-siblings and they shouldn’t be used as pawns in this game.

If they want to go to the wedding then they’ve should do - I really don’t see how forbidding them from attending is going to help anyone or help the situation.

HouseworkIsASin10 · 11/01/2019 00:27

Ah OP, do me a favour, get your wife on here🤔

OP's wife - tell the spineless shit to get to fuck.

CoughLaughFart · 11/01/2019 08:37

Yeah... I’m sure he’ll be hot-footing her to MN now you’ve said that.

Professionalmum1 · 11/01/2019 18:59

Its a rubbish situation to be in but they are children! Your brother and you are adults! Put your self in the shoes of a 13/15 year old! Its hurtful! And your wife, regardless of how the kids feel, has adopted that hurt on their behalf! She/They are your priority!

Your brother has clearly been very insensitive and his actions diminishes your family unit (which has prob been a unit longer than he has been with his future wife!) I would decline his invitation! I was going to suggest you go alone but that gives the wrong impression to your wife, who, if she is anything like me, wouldn't go now even if your brother did invite the other children!

You have spent 8 years raising these children! Your brother is an arse!

Ethel36 · 11/01/2019 19:27

I think you should book a holiday an take your family away instead! I think your brother's reasoning is misguided. If you take your children then you're agreeing with your brother's view that the step children aren't real family. Thats unfair on your wife and her children.

inlectorecumbit · 12/01/2019 01:05

Your brother is an arse.

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 12/01/2019 01:13

Your brother is being nasty. Tell him they all go or none of you do. Have loyalty to your family first, your wife and all kids.

Do not wimp out on this one.

SandyY2K · 17/01/2019 14:43

@ByScott

I've not read the whole 23 pages...but I think you should attend your brothers wedding. Asking you not to is ridiculous.

Stepchildren are not the same as your own kids and if he has a tight budget... I can understand him not inviting them.

It's not about your relationship with the stepkids ...it's about your brothers relationship with them.

If he's not so close to them I can see why he's not invited them.

I'm sure you wouldn't insist she boycott a family members wedding if your kids weren't invited would you.

I find it terribly controlling that she's asked you not to be best man.

You and your kids should go. Your wife can stay home with her kids.

*People need to remember that as much as you have equal treatment within your blended family...

you cannot force others to see stepchildren the same as their biological nieces, nephews or grandchildren

The sooner people realise this, the better

I see too much of how stepgrandkids got a cheaper gift etc

SandyY2K · 17/01/2019 14:52

@StressedToTheMaxx

I am aware they are 17 and 15. They are still children. If they are not physically taken to the wedding they won't get there.

Nonsense.

My children have used public transport alone from the age of 11 going to school. They go out with friends and cousins across the city.

17 year olds go to university open days across the country alone... you must live a sheltered life if you don't think a 17 or 15 year old can take themself to a wedding.

They just need to get an uber or use Google maps.

HeckyPeck · 17/01/2019 17:04

Today my wife’s position is that I should go with my older two as it’s causing too much grief

I don’t see a problem with you and your kids going at all.

I’m a step child and I wouldn’t have expected to go to my step-mum’s sibling’s wedding. I wouldn’t have cared at all if my step siblings went and I didn’t. I would have thought “yep, it’s their uncle/aunt” just like they wouldn’t have gone to my dad’s siblings wedding, but I would have.

It doesn’t sound like your step kids see your brother as an uncle or have a close relationship so I can’t see the problem.

SandyY2K · 17/01/2019 18:12

@Professionalmum1

Why are the stepchildren his priority? He doesn't even have parental responsibility for them.
His children are his priority.

@Bananasinpyjamas11

Your brother is being nasty. Tell him they all go or none of you do. Have loyalty to your family first, your wife and all kids

So his brother isn't his family anymore?
No matter what happens, his brother will always be his brother.
His wife may not always be his wife.

On what planet do you demand the bride or groom invites someone they don't want to.
The attendees at a wedding should be decided by the bride and groom.

@WestBerlin

You make a decision to become a blended family, you can’t dictate how anyone else thinks or feels about that.

100% this.

All the outcry about the OPs children is crazy too. They see their dad EOW... how close are they going to be to stepsiblings who they barely see.

The OPs brother has invited his niece/nephews.

Expectations are totally unreasonable. Parents get married ..get divorced and develop blended families...you can't force your relatives to see your SC as their relatives on an equal basis.

I'm sure the OPs brother can probably count the times he's seen the stepchildren.

Iamdanish · 17/01/2019 18:44

Wow your wife is so much the bigger person, isn't she?
Your brother sounds awful and jealous about your weddings, whats that got to do with invites to stepchildren?
You love your own dcs more, but live with SC, you are a gem 🙁

CoughLaughFart · 17/01/2019 19:16

You love your own dcs more, but live with SC, you are a gem 🙁

Well what’s he supposed to do? Tell his wife her children can’t live with them? Tell his ex-wife their children have to come and live with him? Nonsensical comment.

SandyY2K · 17/01/2019 20:01

@Iamdanish

You love your own dcs more, but live with SC, you are a gem

What a stupid unintelligent statement.

His DC live with their mum. Just like his SC live with their mum.

How do the living arrangements make him a gem?

Iamdanish · 17/01/2019 20:50

I of course treat my stepchildren well but of course I love my own children more
Simply a comment on ops commitment to dsc compared to his commitment to his brother and dcs. If you lives with someone I expect them to care, blood is not always thicker imo.

SandyY2K · 17/01/2019 21:21

@Iamdanish

You still aren't making sense. Of course he loves his own children more. That doesn't mean he does not care about his SC.

It doesn't make him 'a gem' as you put it because he lives with his SC and his DC live with their mum.

That's the usual situation with kids if divorced parents

Equally it doesn't make the SCs father a gem because he doesn't live with his DC and sees them EOW.

The sooner parents of blended families realise they cannot force other relatives to treat their stepchildren the same...the better.

Blood may not mean much to some...but it clearly means a lot to the OPs brother and that's his right.

What next? Complaining that stepchild isn't in GPs will.

PastaCake · 17/01/2019 21:51

Could you maybe go to the ceremony with the children who are invited (this is the most important bit after all) and then go home to your wife and stepchildren?

Surfingtheweb · 17/01/2019 21:53

Your brother & his fiancé are totally out of order. It's totally unreasonable to invite you, your children together & leave out your children's siblings!! What on earth would your own children think of their siblings being left out not to mention how awful it would make your step kids feel.
If I were you I would decline the invite, without being rude or nasty & explain you would love to share their day but there is just no way you can do that to all your children & wife.
I am stunned that anyone would think this is ok.

SandyY2K · 18/01/2019 03:03

What on earth would your own children think of their siblings being left out

They don't have an issue with it. These are step siblings who they don't live with. Very different to siblings.

I noticed Aunts weren't invited. I can't imagine not attending the wedding of my niece or nephew...but then I have a close relationship with them.

Your DB obviously doesn't have a close relationship with your stepchildren and why would he.

I do agree with him that in not inviting relatives like Aunts and cousins...he can't justify inviting your stepchildren. They aren't relatives of his.

Don't fall out with your brother over this. His wedding...his choice.

I'm quite sure he wouldn't even cross the mind of the stepchildren to invite your DB if they were celebrating any significant event.

everydaymum · 18/01/2019 03:40

If my DB got married and invited my DS but not my step-kids I wouldn't be going.
Op if your DB didn't invite your wife would you go? You're a family unit and it should be all kids or no kids.
At the end of the day it's obviously your decision, but in going you're allowing someone to split your family. You say you can't imagine not going to the wedding - more or less so than being expected to have your step kids treated as second class citizens?

Jenny70 · 18/01/2019 04:20

I see a wedding as the joining of two families, a celebration of their love and commitment.

What your brother has done is cleave an axe through your family unit, that was seemingly working quite well until he made judgement as to who was worthy of an invite and who wasn't.

I can appreciate you're in a tough position, if you don't go and your older children still attend, they will face the awkward questions as to why you wouldn't attend, leaving them to "face the fanfare" and comments of those who agree/disagree, which is difficult.

If you do go, it will be hard to be genuinely happy for brother and fiance, creating a new family unit whilst leaving yours with divisions and scars.

Personally I would take the high ground and not attend, send brother and fiance a message that your family is important to you, whether by blood or by marriage.... Tell the older children they are free to go if they want, and they can tell people that Dad had a falling because Uncle X wasn't willing to invite my brother/sister (in our family step isn't used between kids, they are brothers and sisters).