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Original poster

Brother‘s Wedding and step-Kids

609 replies

ByScott · 31/12/2018 20:50

I am a 42 year old man and have created an account as I have no one to talk to in real life.
My wife is perfect and has not asked me for anything in 10 years. On Boxing Day she asked me to refuse to be best man and not to attend my brother’ Wedding.
My brother is in his late 30s is marrying for the first time, a good 10years older than when my cousins and I first got married. My mother did have a cry when her sister wasn’t invited. Over Christmas the invitations were given. My wife and children are invited but not my step-children. They are 13 and 15 and have lived with me for 8 years.
I did speak to my brother but he said he couldn’t justify inviting steps and not aunts and cousins. I cannot imagine my own kids refusing to go. I am shocked by my brother not including them and shocked about my wife‘s stance.

OP posts:
lifecouldbeadream · 31/12/2018 20:52

Well, that’s a pickle isn’t it.

How involved are your Step children in family life- do they attend family parties etc?

lifecouldbeadream · 31/12/2018 20:52

Actually- scrap that- they’ve lived with you for 8 years- your brother is an arse.

pinkiepie1 · 31/12/2018 20:53

I understand where you wife is coming from. Why would she want to go to a wedding, who doesn't accept her kids as part of the family.
It was a bit unfair to ask you to not attend but I can see why, she's hurt and upset. I would be.

wombatron · 31/12/2018 20:53

Not inviting cousins and aunts is very different to not inviting your brothers step children. Step children who you I assume, love and treat as your own/are as blended as blended can be with your wife and your children. It's your family unit. Your brother hasn't included 2 of your children, I agree with your wife.

pinkiepie1 · 31/12/2018 20:54

And aunts and cousin are nothing compared to brothers family. Imo

WhoKnewBeefStew · 31/12/2018 20:55

Hmmm v difficult for you. How close are you to your brother? But, my dh has brought my two dc up as his own as I’ve done for him, and they feel like my own dc, and tbh if they weren’t invited I wouldn’t go

Miranda15110 · 31/12/2018 20:55

Agree with your wife. Your step children live with you so aren't occasional visitors. I think you should be honest with bro and tell him that if you aren't invited as a family you feel it is sending out a poor message to stepkids that they are second best.

Petalflowers · 31/12/2018 20:56

Are there restriction on numbers? Maybe it’s as simple as that.

However, they have lived with you for eight years...

Santaisfastasleepatlast · 31/12/2018 20:57

Imo you don't attend. You send a card.
A card void of cash.
Your db isn't a very nice man. He has no respect for you /your family (dw +dc).

ivykaty44 · 31/12/2018 20:58

Why not just you accept the invite and leave all the children home?

sue51 · 31/12/2018 20:58

If I were your wife, I would have refused to attend unless all the children had been invited. Step children should be treated the same as your own. Your brother is wrong .

Thingsdogetbetter · 31/12/2018 20:58

Are other teenagers/kids being invited? What size is the wedding?

No other kids at a small wedding then fair enough. Other kids at a large wedding than he's being unfair and you need to speak to him again.

covetingthepreciousthings · 31/12/2018 20:59

I think it's very unfair for him to exclude step children that have lived with you for 8 years. I'm siding with your wife.. difficult situation for you, but I think your brother is in the wrong here.
He'd have been better saying no children than just excluding them.

Purpleartichoke · 31/12/2018 21:00

If the budget was tight, the better choice would be to not invite kids at all.

I’m going to disagree with your wife. Not attending your brother’s wedding is a very big deal. I would think about attending just you and your wife and leaving all your kids at home. Thus you are treating them equally.

covetingthepreciousthings · 31/12/2018 21:01

*Are other teenagers/kids being invited? What size is the wedding?

No other kids at a small wedding then fair enough. Other kids at a large wedding than he's being unfair and you need to speak to him again.*

the OPs children have been invited so it's not a child free wedding, just his step children who have been excluded.

Cranky17 · 31/12/2018 21:02

What’s your opinion? You don’t have to act on it, but how do you feel about your brother disregarding your step children?
Are other children going? Or is it a non child event?

Sexnotgender · 31/12/2018 21:02

So of the children that live with you (full time?) only some of them are invited?! Your brother is a dick and I’m not surprised your wife is hurt and asking you not to go.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 31/12/2018 21:02

Your aunts and cousins presumably live separately in their own family units. How is your relationship with your step kids. Do you see them and treat them as yours? If so then I don't think it's right not to invite them. And I'd speak to your brother and day please treat them as your children since you see them as your children (he won't see his mums sister in the same way as his own mum). If it's price, could you offer to pay to smooth the way?

If he ont compromise I'd suggest you go to the evening do by yourself but not attend the whole thing. It's hard as either way you will really upset someone

Merryoldgoat · 31/12/2018 21:03

I’m with your wife. If no children were invited at all that’s one thing, but to distinguish between them it’s shitty.

There will be pictures, videos, conversations for years which will exclude them giving them the impression they’re second class family members.

cabingirl · 31/12/2018 21:04

Options:

  1. None of you go. You make it clear to your brother that your step-kids are as much part of your family as your bio kids and therefore in your opinion, not a step removed from immediate family in the same was as aunts and uncles.
  1. If you can get your wife to agree (bearing in mind she's very hurt and upset by this and it may take a long time for her to forgive and be around your brother again) - you don't take any of the kids to the wedding. You and your wife go as a couple. (Bonus - give one of your kid's seats to your aunt)
  1. You explain to your brother that it's all of you or none of you and see if he will invite all the children. Make sure your explanation includes the possibility that even if he relents your wife may be too upset by the situation to come which also means that you won't be able to come either as your first priority is your own marriage and family's happiness.
DeRigueurMortis · 31/12/2018 21:06

I'm a step mother.

In your situation my husband would not have to issue any such request because I'd have turned the invitation down myself.

We are a family unit and we don't operate on a two tier system where mine and DH's child get preferential treatment over the child from my husbands previous relationship.

My family have never been told this and it's not something I've ever had to raise because when issuing invitations to family events they'd never even consider to be so rude.

The children are close and I know my biological child would be very upset if their half sibling was excluded and vice versa.

You say you are shocked by your wife's stance. I'm shocked that your shocked frankly.

It's your brother who you need to talk to.

Yes - his wedding and he can invite who he wants, but choices have consequences and someone who deliberately chose to exclude members of my family shouldn't be surprised if I in turn choose to exclude them from my attendance.

Disfordarkchocolate · 31/12/2018 21:06

I agree with your wife, these children live with you!!

Kintan · 31/12/2018 21:07

If none of the children were invited then fair enough, but to invite some of your children but not their half siblings is quite cruel I think.

Original poster
ByScott · 31/12/2018 21:08

My first wedding was huge as were cousins’ but we were mid to late 20s. Brother’s wedding is smaller but don’t know the details of other kids. There is no way on earth that my children won’t attend. They would think I was mad if I suggested they didn’t go. I am just dumbfounded about my brother. He clearly doesn’t see them as family.

OP posts:
DeRigueurMortis · 31/12/2018 21:10

"He doesn't see them as family".

I'd argue that if you attend without them you give his views validity frankly....