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Original poster

Brother‘s Wedding and step-Kids

609 replies

ByScott · 31/12/2018 20:50

I am a 42 year old man and have created an account as I have no one to talk to in real life.
My wife is perfect and has not asked me for anything in 10 years. On Boxing Day she asked me to refuse to be best man and not to attend my brother’ Wedding.
My brother is in his late 30s is marrying for the first time, a good 10years older than when my cousins and I first got married. My mother did have a cry when her sister wasn’t invited. Over Christmas the invitations were given. My wife and children are invited but not my step-children. They are 13 and 15 and have lived with me for 8 years.
I did speak to my brother but he said he couldn’t justify inviting steps and not aunts and cousins. I cannot imagine my own kids refusing to go. I am shocked by my brother not including them and shocked about my wife‘s stance.

OP posts:
Parttimewasteoftime · 31/12/2018 21:34

Wow you must be close if you are his best man how hurtful. I would say all kids or no kids but can see why your DW is upset. Unless there is a massive backstory his own brothers dcs pip an Auntie.

Apple103 · 31/12/2018 21:34

The only right thing to do here is send your kids and you dont attend. It's not nice to involve the kids and by sending them without you , you are making it known to your brother that you wont accept what he is doing. Its cruel that he is doing that.

TheMincePiesAreMine · 31/12/2018 21:34

That your non-step children are expecting to go is neither here nor there is it? How old are they? Don't you just explain why it's not OK? Eg if your brother had bought the boys tickets to Disneyland and not the girls, you wouldn't just wave the boys off happily would you? Perhaps in your family you would decline the invitation for all, rather than condoning that level of sexism.

Original poster
ByScott · 31/12/2018 21:38

I am going to sleep on it. My kids are 17, 15 and 6. My step-kids obviously spend every other weekend with their dad. My own family and their relationship with my step-kids isn’t something I have ever really thought about until now.
I can’t imagine not being at the wedding. I feel poleaxed by the situation.

OP posts:
Bluesmartiesarebest · 31/12/2018 21:39

At 13 and 15 your step children will know they are being excluded.I suggest that you go to the wedding on your own or just with your wife but no children. Tell your brother either all your children attend or none of them will.

aaaaargghhhhelpme · 31/12/2018 21:40

Derigeurmortis - no need for clarification. The op put the children’s ages in the opening post. 13 and 15

bellie710 · 31/12/2018 21:40

If that was me no one would be going, these are not just random kids that you see every now and then they have lived with you for 8 years! If I was your wife I would seriously be doubting my relationship!

IMissGin · 31/12/2018 21:41

The only resolutions are:

1: your eldest 2 go alone
2: your bother realises what a dick he’s been and invites you all
3: none of you go

Anything else, including taking too much time to ‘think about it’ could cause an irreparable rift between you and your wife.

My eldest daughter is from a previous relationship and if I was your wife I would be livid and beyond hurt.

DeRigueurMortis · 31/12/2018 21:43

No aaaaar he put his step children's ages in, not those of his bio children until his most recent post where he's now clarified this....Hmm

Rememberfluffthecat · 31/12/2018 21:45

Take your brother out for a drink and talk to him. Even show him this thread if you struggle to voice it. I would , for the sake of your family, go with your wife on this x

aaaaargghhhhelpme · 31/12/2018 21:46

Derigeurmortis - Apologies for the confusion.

No need for the face though. Happy new year and all that

Returnofthesmileybar · 31/12/2018 21:47

Just popping in to say I totally agree with your wife. I think you should have already turned down the invite without her having to ask to be honest, although I do appreciate that this must be sad for you, it's never easy realising your sibling is a dickhead

DeRigueurMortis · 31/12/2018 21:51

OP I'm not sure there is much to think about.

Your wife made this request on Boxing Day and every day you prevaricate you're telling her that your step children are second class citizens.

If there's a compromise to be had here I'm struggling to find it because the ramifications are significant.

It's one day of your brothers life (yes a very important one) vs your relationship and the rest of your life.

Call your brother and speak to him again.

Hopefully he can be made to see see sense, invite your step children and that your wife feels able to be magnanimous (not sure I could tbh) and you all attend as complete family.

mantlepiece · 31/12/2018 21:52

You are poleaxed because the brother you have known for 30+ years is someone you have just realised you don’t know at all. You thought you were close and had each other’s back. No matter what happens now your relationship will never be the same.

Sleep on it by all means, but you know what you have to do.

DeRigueurMortis · 31/12/2018 21:53

aaaar happy new year to you too...

If you pull someone up incorrectly because you haven't rtft properly the face is pretty much mandatory Wink

AWishForWingsThatWork · 31/12/2018 21:54

Your brother is a jackass. You should be shocked by his invitation to your children by not the stepchildren that have lived with you for 8 years.

Your wife's behaviour is NOT shocking. She is right to be offended. Your brother is being incredibly rude.

You either don't go, or you and your wife go without ANY of the children, if she'll even attend at this point which she may well not want to now that she knows what your brother thinks of her and your relationship, or your brother issues a grovelling apology acknowledging his thoughtlessness and invites all of you as a family. Because that is what you are. And families stick together.

You should be Team Wife and Family, end of. Your brother is out of line.

notangelinajolie · 31/12/2018 21:55

Best man or not, my DH would not go. I wouldn't need to ask him. Your wife is right and you should support her and ALL your children - not your brother.

Alpacanorange · 31/12/2018 21:55

Maybe go for a drink and a chat, you clearly consider them your family, he doesn’t, this doesn’t mean you can’t explain, he may easily change his mind. For a brother I would give the benefit of the doubt and work for the best outcome instead of letting pride dictate your actions.

notangelinajolie · 31/12/2018 21:57

I actually cannot believe you need to sleep on it.

Alpacanorange · 31/12/2018 21:57

Disagree with notanglie... brothers who usually get on shouldn’t be throwing away a relationship without effort to compromise.

IMissGin · 31/12/2018 21:58

I’ve just asked DP. Hypothetically. He said ‘what the actual fuck, no’. Who are these people?

There’s your normal response. And the one your wife deserves.

jessstan2 · 31/12/2018 21:58

I think your brother and his fiancee should have included your step children, after living with you for so many years, they are virtually your children. It will be hurtful for them.

Could somebody else have a word with him? He's just not thinking properly.

Any good luck and have a happy new year.

cooldarkroom · 31/12/2018 21:58

You do not live with your brother. you made a choice of living with your present partner & throwing all into that pot.
Your brother does not need to accept that
You cannot separate your DC & step DC,
tell him that you are a family unit. either he adjusts his invite ,or no kids go, &/or just maybe you go alone, briefly. (if you do, your wife may not like it, forgive you )

sue51 · 31/12/2018 21:59

There's nothing shocking about your wife's stance.

Rememberfluffthecat · 31/12/2018 21:59

I don't necessarily agree that you don't know your brother. He sees your family through different eyes and does not seem to see your step children as family. If your wife is perfect and hasn't asked for anything in 10 years then she is clearly very hurt and and thinks you should support her. As my previous post. Talk to your brother. He may not realise what this is doing to your family but definitely stay by your wife's side on this one