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AIBU?

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Original poster

Brother‘s Wedding and step-Kids

609 replies

ByScott · 31/12/2018 20:50

I am a 42 year old man and have created an account as I have no one to talk to in real life.
My wife is perfect and has not asked me for anything in 10 years. On Boxing Day she asked me to refuse to be best man and not to attend my brother’ Wedding.
My brother is in his late 30s is marrying for the first time, a good 10years older than when my cousins and I first got married. My mother did have a cry when her sister wasn’t invited. Over Christmas the invitations were given. My wife and children are invited but not my step-children. They are 13 and 15 and have lived with me for 8 years.
I did speak to my brother but he said he couldn’t justify inviting steps and not aunts and cousins. I cannot imagine my own kids refusing to go. I am shocked by my brother not including them and shocked about my wife‘s stance.

OP posts:
MinorRSole · 01/01/2019 03:52

That's not how blended families work. Yes they have a father but they also have a stepfather and are part of his family unit too.

BananasAreTheSourceOfEvil · 01/01/2019 03:56

I appreciate the sentiment but when you marry into/get involved in a committed relationship with someone who has children already, you take on the responsibility.

My OH has kids and they’re always included. I have kids and OHs family would never exclude them.

I see your point but I disagree. It’s a kick in the teeth to the kids, but it’s an outright insult to OPs wife. You’d say something if it was ten months but it has been ten years.

Personally if my OH didn’t stick up for our family unit and children after ten years I’d be reassessing my relationship. However, each to their own.

CoughLaughFart · 01/01/2019 07:22

So what about the aunts and uncles? The OP’s brother can’t afford to invite them. Why are people he’s known all his life less important than stepchildren?

Izzabellasasperella · 01/01/2019 07:29

If the issue is financial for your brother could you offer to pay for the step-children? Perhaps in lieu of a wedding gift? I do believe that your brother was wrong to exclude them but paying for them to attend may solve the situation.

rwalker · 01/01/2019 07:34

Just tell him there your family after 8 years and to you it's the same as him not inviting your other children. Not ideal but be blunt and tell him you all come or none of you and shame him by offering to pay for them.

tbh if you go with out them it will damage your relationship it's say that you don't see them as family as well . what would you do if he didn't invite all of your other kids and left them out.

also i think we are forgetting how would your step kids feel can imagine they would be very hurt waving you all off to a wedding

NewPapaGuinea · 01/01/2019 07:40

I think you nees to speak to your brother and state that he needs to invite your whole family. He needs to appreciate that they aren’t just step children, they are your family too. It’s totally different to Aunts and Cousins.

ItsThisOneThing · 01/01/2019 07:44

That is out of order, your wife is right.

And your brother's logic is skewed

  • it's not about 'step' and 'blood' relatives. It's about his brother's family unit (immediate family) vs his extended family (aunt, cousins etc).

You shouldn't go, you can't go, unless he changes the invites.

CoughLaughFart · 01/01/2019 07:51

If the issue is financial for your brother could you offer to pay for the step-children? Perhaps in lieu of a wedding gift?

So their wedding gift is a bunch of people they didn’t invite turning up anyway? Whoop de bloody doo.

knittedjest · 01/01/2019 07:58

Do the children even care? At 15 I would rather have stuck a fork in my ear than ho to my stepdads brothers wedding.

TheSerenDipitY · 01/01/2019 07:59

the op cant ask/tell his brother to invite them as he has already stated that the step kids are not family, by not inviting them, so any invite now is a forced invite and he still doesnt want them there and is doing so under protest
The op cant go to the wedding now as it will show he feels his brother is far more important than his family at home, hes damned if he does and damned if he doesnt in a way
Sorry OP but you need to stand by your wife and children ( your other kids really should too) and show her that you place her and ALL the children in the place of highest importance in your life... your brothers wedding is one day, but by going and showing him support over your family might be the death of love and trust for your marriage

Consolidateyourloins · 01/01/2019 08:01

I think the OP is being disingenuous. He wants him AND his children to attend the wedding. He seems less bothered about whether his wife and step-kids attend.

Otherwise he would be less adamant that his kids will want to attend, and suggest that he attend on his own, without any kids.

And you haven't considered your step-kids relationship with your family in 8 years even though they live you for the majority of time? That says it all.

HouseworkIsASin10 · 01/01/2019 08:06

So BIL is inviting your 6yr old but not their own siblings (your DSC).

Nope, would not attend.

CardsforKittens · 01/01/2019 09:47

Is this a case of a couple trying to organise a smallish wedding despite having a largeish family, because they can't afford to invite everyone they'd like to invite? If so I can sort of see where this is coming from, even though I don't agree with it. I do think if the groom's brother's family is invited it should be the whole family unit, otherwise just the brother and his wife, but it is a snub to leave out the step children. If I were the wife I'd be hurt and I wouldn't be going, but I'd probably accept that my husband would go and be best man and then be passive aggressive to my BIL for the next 20 years.

Blended families are increasingly common and wedding etiquette needs to take account of that.

Rowenaravenclawsdiadem · 01/01/2019 10:25

I had something very similar happen.

My sister didn’t invite my stepson to her wedding. He lives with us full time. She actually said ‘I didn’t even think about him’.

I went fucking mental. My dad who was paying for the wedding went mental. He went to the wedding.

freshfoodpeople · 01/01/2019 10:35

Your brother is disgusting. The fact you're waffling about this doesn't put you in a good light either.

If I had stepchildren and this invitation had arrived in my household, it would have gone straight in the bin, and brother would have to do a lot of grovelling on his hands and knees to try and make things right again. But this would never arise, as my brother isn't a dick.

He's known your six year old less time than he's known your step children, yet still invited him/her. There are two 15 year olds in the house, yet only one is 'worthy' of an invitation. If you can't see how wrong this is, you need to do some deep soul searching.

Joboy · 01/01/2019 10:41

I think the crux of matter is that you don't consider your step kids famliy.
And your wife of 10 years has just realised.
Your marriage is in big trouble .

TidyDancer · 01/01/2019 10:47

This is difficult. Your brother is out of line but I do understand your dilemma. If it was a question of numbers, it would've been completely understandable and acceptable to only invite you and your wife and none of the children.

I think you have to speak to your brother and give him a chance to rectify this. I wouldn't normally advocate doing this - it's his wedding and he has the right to invite who he wants generally - but the potential for long lasting division and hurt over this is significant. If it can be avoided then that would be best - although it may already be too late for that.

If he won't bend the only solutions you have is for none of you to go or for you to go alone.

divadee · 01/01/2019 10:50

Your brother is a massive dick. And you are stepping up to the same role as him by not supporting your wife and children. All of the children.

If I was your wife I would seriously be thinking about the marriage and if I wanted it to continue. When he first invited you, you should of said you can't attend unless all of you can go or no children at all. That is what being a family is about. Protecting and supporting your family unit.

The fact you are still "sleeping on it" after nearly a week, shows you are weak and think more of your brother than your wife and family.

ChocolateCard · 01/01/2019 10:56

Get some balls, Scott. Are you a man or a mouse?

Your brother wasn’t too bothered about making the difficult decision not to invite, so why are you all simpering about being equally bold?

You need to put him straight. Anything else makes you look like a piss-take of a man that can’t stand up for his own family.

MumW · 01/01/2019 10:56

We are a family unit and we don't operate on a two tier system where mine and DH's child get preferential treatment over the child from my husbands previous relationship.
^This

"He doesn't see them as family".
I'd argue that if you attend without them you give his views validity frankly....
If you go with your children and not your step children, then you are telling your step children that you don't consider them full members of your family. You are showing that your bio children have a higher status than your SC (who are biological siblings)
If I was your wife, then I would seriously be reviewing our relationship.

If you value your marriage and family unit and consider ALL the children in the household as equal then you have absolutely no choice but to tell your brother it's all or none.
Any other option is saying your brother's views and feelings are more important than the feelings of your wife and step children. Condoning this 2 tier attitude is going to cause irrevocable damage. I'd say it could seriously be the beginning of the end of your marriage.

SilverBirchTree · 01/01/2019 10:59

I'd go but leave all children at home. Tell your brother why, but don't make a huge blow up.

MumW · 01/01/2019 11:01

I think the crux of matter is that you don't consider your step kids famliy.
And your wife of 10 years has just realised.
Your marriage is in big trouble .

^And this.

It might already be too late, the damage has already been done.

Youseethethingis · 01/01/2019 11:02

I honestly don’t see how you can perform the role of Best Man under these circumstances. Support and celebrate his marriage when he has just pissed all over yours? Because that’s what he has done, make no mistake about that.

Hideous situation, but you really have no choice but to stick by your wife and family. Sorry OP Flowers

TheBigBangRocks · 01/01/2019 11:04

He's not their uncle though. The children have their own family. Presumably they get invites from that side without the others being invited. I'd imagine they get gifts differently etc. Unless the wife insists in equal treatment of all from every family involved but I can't imagine that.

zippey · 01/01/2019 11:06

Your wife is being a controlling arse. He is your brother and she should not be asking this of you. She should tell you she’s not happy and If she doesn’t feel right she should stay away with the bio children, but she should not ask you to turn down the invitation.

Is your brother a dickhead or just not thinking clear? That should also be taken into account. Maybe have a word and speak about your dilemma with him. It could just be down to numbers and affordability.

But I would deffo go, with your partner or even on your own. I agree, there is a principle to be set and it is either all the children go or none at all.

But I’d also be questioning my future with a controlling wife. It’s a big deal, he is your brother, and the decision should be yours. If you don’t go, you risk affecting the dynamics of your family for ever.

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