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AIBU?

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Original poster

Brother‘s Wedding and step-Kids

609 replies

ByScott · 31/12/2018 20:50

I am a 42 year old man and have created an account as I have no one to talk to in real life.
My wife is perfect and has not asked me for anything in 10 years. On Boxing Day she asked me to refuse to be best man and not to attend my brother’ Wedding.
My brother is in his late 30s is marrying for the first time, a good 10years older than when my cousins and I first got married. My mother did have a cry when her sister wasn’t invited. Over Christmas the invitations were given. My wife and children are invited but not my step-children. They are 13 and 15 and have lived with me for 8 years.
I did speak to my brother but he said he couldn’t justify inviting steps and not aunts and cousins. I cannot imagine my own kids refusing to go. I am shocked by my brother not including them and shocked about my wife‘s stance.

OP posts:
AWishForWingsThatWork · 31/12/2018 22:00

Does your brother want to have children of his own one day? If he does, ask him what would happen if he and his wife had to adopt because they couldn't have them otherwise for whatever reason, and his extended family considered them 'lesser' or 'not really family' because they weren't 'his' by blood ... how would he feel.

Because this really isn't that different...

aaaaargghhhhelpme · 31/12/2018 22:02

Derigeurmortis - dear Lord I read the thread. It was ambiguous is all! But hell I’ve apologised once so that’s it from me

Op- sorry I’m with your wife. You’re a family unit. Does your brother accept your stepchildren in other ways? Birthdays etc

Mrsmadevans · 31/12/2018 22:06

I am sorry for your dilemma OP but imho you must turn the invite down. It is ALL the DC or no one goes. Tell him very calmly with no anger or nastiness and leave the ball in his court.

MsMamaNature · 31/12/2018 22:06

If your step children don't go you (and the rest of your family) are marking them as being different to the other children. They should all go or none of you go. I wouldn't be impressed if I was your wife/step children and it had taken you this long to make a decision. It won't be sending a good message to your step children (or your wife) about how you view them in the context of your wider family. Talk to your brother.

DeRigueurMortis · 31/12/2018 22:06

I wasn't asking for an apology aaaar Grin it's something I've done myself and been "faced" for! The happy new year was genuine - have a good one!!

AWishForWingsThatWork · 31/12/2018 22:08

You owe your wife an apology, btw, for the length of time you've been waffling on this. This should have been a no brainer for you. Why she had to sit you down and point it out is icnredible.

notdaddycool · 31/12/2018 22:11

Your relationship with your wife matters more than your brother, who is an utter arse. Still if you don’t go to the wedding that is a relationship that may never heal. I’d try to get your wife’s support for either you going on your own or offer to pay for the step kids meal. Either way he’s an arse and she matters more.

LavaLampLover · 31/12/2018 22:13

I consider kids to be stepkids even if you're not married to their parent. I know some differ. But my situation was that I had three stepkids, wasnt married to their dad but the steps lived with him and me and my two lived with him also. It was only ever my two and myself who were invited to a certain part of the family's parties etc. We went to the first birthday, but none of the other occasions because the people I considered my family, weren't included. I did raise it with the family member but they were very snobbish about it.

LavaLampLover · 31/12/2018 22:14

Forgot to say, I basically figure if he's that rude, and won't invite the steps, then boycott.

BumbleBeee69 · 31/12/2018 22:19

Your Brothers choices have created a horrible divide in your ‘own’ family OP. This isn’t nice at all, I personally wouldn’t go, and I certainly wouldn’t be his Best Man, he’s a Dick.

Yabbers · 31/12/2018 22:23

I agree with your wife. And that she hasn’t asked anything in 10 years shows now much this means to her.

KirstyAllsoppsFatterTwin · 31/12/2018 22:24

He should not have invited any of the children if that's the way he feels. To divide and conquer children who live as one family like that is very wrong.

Options for you to consider are:

Either he invites all of you or none of you go.

You and wife go, but none of the children do.

You go alone.

If he won't rethink the step children then I'd be inclined to go alone or not go at all.

KC225 · 31/12/2018 22:25

I don't know actually. They clearly want a smaller or less expensive wedding. Hence your Mother crying over her relatives not being invited. I think your wife is asking a lot for you NOT be the best man at a your brother's wedding. If she feels so strongly about it, then she can refuse to go and she would be perfectly within her rights. She may never have asked you for anything in 8 years but boy when she does.

My brother has older step children and they are good kids. We almost always visit at weekends or school holidays and sometimes they are there, others they at their Father's or GPs. I take gifts/treats for all when I go, and include them on trips out I arrange if there (most recently to the cinema) but I don't have that special 'connection' with them that I have with my neices and nephews - they have their own family for that. Perhaps your brother feels the same way.

Instead of causing a family rift, talk to your brother. In leu of a wedding present offer to pay for the step children if its a budget issue. Or attend alone and let your older make their own decision as to if they want to attend.

GahWhatever · 31/12/2018 22:31

Wow.
OK. Your brother doesn't see the DC you've raised as family because they spend every other weekend at their Dads.
But he sees your Dc as family because there's a blood relationship.
He's a step removed from the situation and doesn't see the hurt he's caused or how his thought process may be hurtful.
You can continue the process as he's started it and continue the hurt, possibly (and likely) to cause a significant harm to your relationship with your DW, Or, you can do the right thing. You can't change his actions or thought process but you can make sure that your actions reflect yours.
Do you see your SDC as your immediate family? If so then you have to treat them the same as your biological DC. It's been 8 years and unless you are the resident parent you've been more involved in your SDC's lives than your own DCs.
Your brother won't treat the DC similarly but you can. Take them all or take none of them and go with your DW only.
You say that the thought of not taking your biological DC is impossible. Consider the message you send to your DW and DSC if you segregate. Then think about which dynamic is going to impact on you personally and emotionally the most.
Seriously. Your life, your relationship. The fact that your DW needs to point this out to you. Holy Fuck man! These kids are your every day family. Breathe....step back.. Think.

StealthNinjaMum · 31/12/2018 22:31

I agree with your wife and can't believe you needed mumsnet to tell you how rude your brothers been and dismissive of your wife and stepchildren.

AwakeNow · 31/12/2018 22:34

Well, we would all not attend. It would not be up for debate.

81Byerley · 31/12/2018 22:39

I think you should speak to him again, and say that you don't want to fall out about it, but that you feel hurt that he doesn't consider your stepchildren as part of your family. And that for that reason, you can't attend his wedding, as that would compound the hurt that your wife and her children are feeling.

Ruperbear · 31/12/2018 22:41

He should not have done this and I can see why ur wife is so upset. However And i am not agreeing with him just looking at the other side. Maybe he is having a small wedding due to costs etc. Maybe he see the step kids not there at weekends as their at their Dads. Maybe inviting 7 is a huge chunk out of his guests list and he is being pressured by numbers and from his partner ? This would explain why his Mums sister wasn’t invited. I would have a chat with him. Explain how you feel etc, even offer to help with costs etc. Try to avoid a big fall out as it may stay and be a permanent divide

HeebieJeebies456 · 31/12/2018 22:43

If he'd decided no kids at all your wife would still be giving you an ultimatum.
This is HIS wedding and just like we tell the brides - he can choose how it's organised and how many/who is invited.

Does he even have a good relationship with your step-kids?
How old are the step-kids?
Do your kids get invited to family weddings/events that their step-siblings go to?

You can tell him how you feel but i think you should go.
If you divorce later down the road you're going to bitterly regret allowing your wife to give you this ultimatum.

TheBigBangRocks · 31/12/2018 22:44

Given it's a small wedding where his mother is upset that aunts aren't invited, he's obviously trying to keep in line with that by not inviting unrelated guests.

I can see your wife not wanting to attend an event with only select children but to say you can't go and be best man is wrong and controlling. That decision is for you to make as he's your brother.

elliejjtiny · 31/12/2018 22:48

I'm with your wife on this one. Invite or not invite the children as a group but treat your step children and your biological children equally.

Lizzie48 · 31/12/2018 22:52

No, @HeebieJeebies456 this'll a child free wedding isn't the same thing at all. The brother has invited his brother's biological children and not his stepchildren, thus treating them like they're not really family. The stepchildren have lived with him for 8 years.

@TheBigBangRocks Why are his stepchildren less important because they're not biologically related? They are part of their blended family. (My adopted DDs are no less my DC because they're not biologically related to me. I know you'll probably say adoption is different, but seriously why is it different?)

Ethel36 · 31/12/2018 22:55

I agree with your wife. Your wife is standing up for her excluded children. You ought to be standing up for them too. You are a family unit, you should stick together. It's awful that your brother doesn't consider your step children as 'family'.

PurpleNailVarnish · 31/12/2018 23:06

Read your OP out to DH we are sober and in bed, Happy New Year everyone.
Before I could tell DH what I thought about this he said he should tell his brother to get tae fuck. It's all of them or none of them.

Which is pretty much what I think too.

You've had 5 nights to sleep on it, the only thing you'll achieve by sleeping on it for another night is to further underline to your wife how insignificant she is.

PrettyLovely1 · 31/12/2018 23:08

Totally with your wife on this, your brother is an arsehole.