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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Brother‘s Wedding and step-Kids

609 replies

ByScott · 31/12/2018 20:50

I am a 42 year old man and have created an account as I have no one to talk to in real life.
My wife is perfect and has not asked me for anything in 10 years. On Boxing Day she asked me to refuse to be best man and not to attend my brother’ Wedding.
My brother is in his late 30s is marrying for the first time, a good 10years older than when my cousins and I first got married. My mother did have a cry when her sister wasn’t invited. Over Christmas the invitations were given. My wife and children are invited but not my step-children. They are 13 and 15 and have lived with me for 8 years.
I did speak to my brother but he said he couldn’t justify inviting steps and not aunts and cousins. I cannot imagine my own kids refusing to go. I am shocked by my brother not including them and shocked about my wife‘s stance.

OP posts:
KC225 · 31/12/2018 23:12

Lizzie48 I see adopted children as different from step children who have an active and constant relationship with their non resident parents and that side of their family. The parents may no longer be together but the two of them are morally. legally and financially responsible for their own children as you are for your children. If anything happened to the resident parent, the other parent and family would come forward. Please remember this thread is about a brother, older by 10 years and how he sees his younger brother s household. Its great the step dad has a close and loving relationship with the step children but it doesn't mean that the brother automatically feels the same way.

PrettyLovely1 · 31/12/2018 23:15

"You've had 5 nights to sleep on it, the only thing you'll achieve by sleeping on it for another night is to further underline to your wife how insignificant she is."

Also totally agree with this.
Support your wife!

Weathermonger · 31/12/2018 23:16

Just curious who drew up the guest list ? It seems to be the grooms family (step and otherwise) who aren't invited. I just wonder if maybe the bride might be calling the shots and it is she that doesn't acknowledge the step-children as family ? Doesn't excuse it tho'

Cherries101 · 31/12/2018 23:20

How involved are the stepkids in family life? If cousins and aunts are more involved than the sc then I understand why they weren’t invited. However, if sc are involved then their absence makes no sense & you have to tell your brother that it’s unreasonable for you to leave some kids behind and not others!

QueenofmyPrinces · 31/12/2018 23:27

So you have two children, your wife has two children and you have a joint child together?

I’m assuming that contact weekends aside you all live together together as a unit?

And your brother has invited your two sole biological children and the joint one you have with your wife, but left out her biological children?

If so, that’s a really, really shitty thing to do.

I doubt very much he’s done it maliciously though and he probably has no idea how much upset it would cause your wife.

Does he see your wife’s children often? What is their relationship like?

If he never sees them then I guess that may explain why he hasn’t invited them? Not that it makes it ok of course.

I can completely understand why you feel confused about what to do. I’m very close to my sister and if she were to ever get married I can’t imagine not being there.

You are in a very difficult situation and I don’t envy you.

I think you should just talk to your brother. None of us on here know him, his character and his intentions etc but you do.

I’m hoping that he genuinely doesn’t see why this would upset your wife and if you’re as close as you think you are then I’m sure he’d mortified to learn how his invites have been perceived.

Just talk to him before making any decisions and hopefully the matter can be resolved.

HannahnotAgnes · 31/12/2018 23:28

Going against the grain, but I think your DW is completely out of order asking you not to be best man & not to go. That's your decision to make & will have far reaching consequences for your relationship with your DB & potentially also with your parents & even your own DCs if they're close to their uncle & want to go (as it sounds like they are).

It would have been nice if all the DCs were invited, however as much as it sounds like you're family is nicely blended, in your brothers eyes, he's not related to your DSCs - if you & your wife split up, would he still have a relationship with her DCs? (If he has one currently?). I'm not saying that this is necessarily right, but it sounds like tough decisions are being made with the guest list, and that's just unfortunate.

Try speaking to your DB again as unlikely he'll have realised the impact this has had on you, but if he sticks to his guns, then I think you should still go with your DCs, but accept that your DW doesn't go. Horrible situation to be in though, sorry!

PrettyLovely1 · 31/12/2018 23:34

I also actually think that she shouldnt have had to ask you not to go.
You should have supported her from the start of this and explained to your brother that you wouldnt be going without stepkids.
You say she has been the perfect wife for you, you should stand by her.

SeaGreenSeaGlass · 31/12/2018 23:34

I think the best thing to do is to ask your brother why the stepchildren aren't invited, and take it from there.
They're a lot of speculation here. It may not even be your brother's decision, maybe it was the bride's choice. Maybe they think the stepchildren behave badly at these sort of events. Who knows? Not you unless you ask him.

ApplejackCriesOnTheInside · 31/12/2018 23:38

I cannot imagine my own kids refusing to go. That rather suggests your own children take the same view of your stepkids as their uncle. TBH I think the DB has been tactless - they should have invited all the children or none - but the fact is that your step-children aren't his blood relatives and if you split with your wife he'd probably never see them again.

We went to a family wedding where only children over 10 were invited, meaning one of ours was and the other two weren't. We decided it was all or none so we took our nanny to look after them (in a hotel - it was in another country!) while we were at the wedding. Various siblings and cousins that were in the same position did the same. Now they have children the bride and groom are massively embarrassed about this display of Severe Wedding Twattishness 

Mummyshark2018 · 31/12/2018 23:55

Its very tricky, I appreciate that. Do your step kids see your brother as an uncle? Would they/ are they upset about not being invited? I know slightly different but would you expect your wife's ex husband to invite your children to his siblings wedding? After all they are all step siblings?
If the issue is numbers then it's hard for bride/ groom to narrow and difficult if they have to chose between an aunt or cousin they've known for 30 years or their brothers step children then I'd probably go with actual family. Does however completely depend on the dynamics of relationships between you all, which I don't know about. Only you know best and can make the decision.

DeRigueurMortis · 01/01/2019 00:48

"actual family"

So the OP's wife and children whom he's lived with for 8 years are not actual family Hmm

Honestly I despair of some of this rubbish.

MiddleClassProblem · 01/01/2019 00:55

These kids have lived with you since they were 5 and 7 and are now teens. How can he not see them as family?

Would he feel the same if you had adopted children that age? I doubt it. What an idiot.

llangennith · 01/01/2019 01:06

Your DC and your wife's DC are all 'children of the family'. All go or none go.

Lizzie48 · 01/01/2019 01:35

This obsession with the possibility that the OP and his DW might split up is very depressing tbh. They have a strong marriage and a blended family that works well. At least half of all marriages do still go the distance, there's no reason to suppose that theirs won't?

At any rate, why would you live your life worrying about what would happen if your marriage were to break down??

incywincybitofa · 01/01/2019 02:22

Your wife has been asked to rank her children for your brother's wedding.
You adore her but dont seem to think it's a big ask of her
You will presumably meet up again after the wedding 2 parents 5 kids 3 of whom were special enough for an invite 2 not.
If they have space for friends they have space for their best man's step children.
Your wife it seems has never upset you. You brother has upset his mother, your wife will hurt your step children will at best confuse your 6 year old.
Do make your own choice Scott but do think carefully about who/what you are choosing to disrupt for what's effectively a 12 hour party. I agree with OPs you and your wife may get divorced in the future but so might they will it be worth it?

BumbleBeee69 · 01/01/2019 02:30

Your brother is behaving disgustingly toward your blended Family. Everyone works together for 8 years creating a family unity bonding and sharing a home and lives, and your Dick of a brother comes along and throws a hand granade through all of it. Nice Hmm

StressedToTheMaxx · 01/01/2019 03:01

With your children's ages you are choosing to allow them to go.
If you sat them down and explained uncle has only invited certain members of our family so until that is rectified then none of us shall be attending.
Your children and step children will learn a great deal more from you for doing that and setting the example of loyalty and respect. Than if only the first class members of the family went to the wedding and second class stayed at home.

CoughLaughFart · 01/01/2019 03:10

What a bunch of drama queens. Your mother is in tears because she can’t choose the guest list. Your wife is issuing ultimatums over her children being invited. Has anyone even considered that there is a bride and groom to think about here?

BananasAreTheSourceOfEvil · 01/01/2019 03:12

I’m with @mantlepiece.

The longer you leave this the more hurt your wife is going to be. Your brother might not see them as family but they are her babies, irrespective of age and you come as a package. Picking between children will always cause a rift. Your brother is saying her kids are essentially persona non grata.

Talk to your brother- but I admire your wife for taking a stand. She’s completely correct here.

MinorRSole · 01/01/2019 03:12

This wouldn't even be a discussion in our house, dh would have turned down the invitation instantly. We are a family and he sees all the dc's as his own when biologically only 2 are. If some dc were excluded he would not attend.
In fact the dc we share also wouldn't attend if their big brother & sister were left out like that. You're either a family or you're not, which is it?

poppoppop100 · 01/01/2019 03:31

I can see his point.Unless you have adopted these current they aren't yours. There is nothing to link them to your extended family

poppoppop100 · 01/01/2019 03:34

Sorry stupid auto correct! That was meant to say the kids are your wife's and their dads.you are not their parent they already have a dad.

BananasAreTheSourceOfEvil · 01/01/2019 03:35

@poppoppop100

They’ve been married ten years. They are a blended family unit. The children have been his stepchildren since 5 and 7.

poppoppop100 · 01/01/2019 03:41

But he isn't their father.They already have a father and it's not him

KC225 · 01/01/2019 03:50

I agree with poppoppop . They may all get on and that is great for everyone but he is not their Father.