Mum ignoring me again

[chickaletta2020]

My mum was going to have my daughters yesterday while my partner and I went out for a meal that we'd booked, I asked her if she'd rather I asked my partners sister instead as she said her shoulder was hurting, she said she'd be fine. Then an hour before she was due to arrive she got her boyfriend to text me to say she wasn't well and wasn't coming (often says she's not well but then goes out for coffee), luckily my partners sister was still free and had them for me so no harm done.

Over the last few months she's been having my children once a week while I work for a couple of hours until my partner gets in from work. It's been quite stressful for me to get dinner prepared and served and then get my daughters in from school and rush out to work, so I rang last night to say I'd been thinking about it and for the new year I'd change my hours to start once my husband gets in. She said I'm a liar and it's obviously because she let me down yesterday, I'm not lying, I obviously timed it wrong in telling her that but I didn't think it through in that way.

Anyway she's now ignored me since, even though I've sent her various messages that she'd usually reply to. To put it into context she is so easily offended and has ignored me for weeks on end before, once because I asked her not to give my children sweets before dinner, so I'm not surprised, I'm just so bored of the emotional drama. Prepared to hear that I'm in the wrong!

She sounds like an utter muppet

Yes your timing could have been better but that shouldn't change the fact she is wrong.
No one should ignore someone for telling them something they don't want to hear.
Let her get on with the silence and don't pander to her.

She sounds like a nightmare. I’d avoid using her for childcare in future

Thank you everyone, the problem is she makes me feel incredibly guilty, so right now I'm racked with guilt, she can be so passive aggressive with comments such as 'but I do so much for you' if she wants me to do something for her. And frequently throws comments back in my face.

But at the end of the day she's my mum, I've always tried to keep the peace but as I get older I'm getting more and more tired of it. Last time she ignored me I left it to see how long it would take, it took almost 6 weeks. Before I've always grovelled and apologised.

She does help me by having the children if I have a doctors appointment etc, but it is quite selective and as long as they're sitting down watching tv and that's it..... arghhhh but she is my mum and the children adore her!

Ignore her back.

I know it means staying in with the kids a lot but she is enjoying the control, she's enjoying that you need her. Show her you don't need her.

That's what she doesn't like, I've said I don't need her and she thrives off being needed. Never actually wants to see me any more and having the weekly arrangement means she doesn't have to come round off her own accord to make an effort to see them. So who knows how long it will take, then my children will be missing out :-(

She sounds like hard work. You offered her a choice of not babysitting, I can't believe she got her BF to text you. If I had to cancel when I'd promised to babysit my GC I would want to talk to my DC so they understood why. A text is rude in the circumstances

I’m not surprised you feel guilty, she is using guilt to control and manipulate you. You need boundaries - her emotions are not your responsibility. It’s sad for your kids to miss out but at the same time, she doesn’t sound a very emotionally healthy role model for them. She will speak to you again at some stage, so I wouldn’t worry about it. She’ll just want you to feel guilty for a while. How to avoid this is where the real challenge lies, and it may take therapy or something!!!

My Mum used to do this type of thing

She'd Withdraw love/emotion/care because she felt hurt/hard done by/angry

It's a form of punishment used by people who aren't emotionally mature enough to talk through how they feel so that everyone can understand and things can be worked out

These people like the power and control - they have learned that they get what they need this way

There isn't anything YOU can do about it, @chickaletta2020

When it happens , each time it happens, I'd send your Mum ONE text saying that you look forward to chatting again when she's dealt with her emotional angst/stress/difficulty and that you love her

Then leave her to it

Keeping on feeling bad yourself, just feeds her need for power and control

She can't help it

But it IS NOT YOUR FAULT

What exactly are your children missing out on?

Thank you all for your kind messages, I feel awful that I've even written any of that, I love my mum so much and she would be so upset to read this (on a good day)

My children adore her, so would be missing out on that! And she is funny and I do enjoy her company, I'd be devastated if anything happened to her.

Each time the fall outs happen, I am just exhausted and want to give up. But now I'm blaming myself because I really did send the text hours after she'd let me down, so it's kind of glaringly obvious that's my main reason for doing it - so maybe technically I was lying to her? She's been reliable weekly for me to do that job and has had them when I've had appointments etc, I do hate relying on people though - maybe I get the controlling aspect from her!

She's also got quite bad OCD! There are definitely some kind of mental health issues there but she controls it all with her OCD so will only admit to it being that, nothing else!

And I am extremely lucky to have her in my life, some people have lost their mums or never had a mum who cares - so maybe I should just suck it up!

Any ideas from an anxiety point of view, how I can shake the guilt? Any techniques would be greatly appreciated!

@Gina2012 How did your mum react when you did that? I have sent her messages as I normally would today, forwarded some messages that my auntie sent to me etc and sent a video of my daughter, I will leave it at that now as it now makes it entirely clear she's ignoring me. In the past I've known she's funny with me so not made an effort to contact and she's said 'well you were ignoring me' so at least I've made the effort now, just tired of the games

My mum is very similar. My children are starting to see her for who she is, yours will too.

Also I always think what happens if something happened to her while I wasn't talking to her, I'd feel absolutely awful.

plans to get counselling with view to discuss unhealthy relationship with mum and unhealthy amounts of guilt* 🙄

@AnotherExWife how old are your children? Do you not have a relationship with your mum? I don't want them to think badly of her :-( I don't want to think badly of her! Maybe I'm the problem haha

She's quite manipulative isn't she?

I know you love your mum, but protect your children. Her behaviour isn't healthy

of course the children adore her she makes sure that she behaves in a way that makes them adore her, she treats them well but she treats you badly everyone feels confused and compromised and then it's easier to manipulate you

except she's playing a dangerous game because you'll get over your guilt eventually and at that point you'll probably feel so angry with her that you'll have a hard time not punishing her

In behaving like a complete dick she is creating a lot of angry chickens
Her chickens will come home to roost one day

@chickaletta2020 my eldest is 9. I do have a relationship with my Mum but the latest phase of being ignored is causing my anxiety to rocket. I usually apologise and literally beg her forgiveness for whatever perceived wrong I have committed but I'm not prepared to do that anymore. I've tried phoning but she can't manage to talk, I have seen her but the conversation is one sided or she'll be very passive aggressive which I don't rise to. I'll keep on behaving normally towards her and see what happens.

How did your mum react when you did that?

Badly

But my lesson in her relationship with me was to realise that the only person I can change is me. I can't change her and worrying about how she thinks and worrying about what she does, is only hurting me. I can't make her happy - that's her job, not my job.

My lesson was about growing up. My lesson was about standing in my truth and loving me and my DD , first and foremost.

I can't change her - definitely not now, she's passed and by the end, I had learned to accept and love her exactly as she was. And yet not run around trying to make her happy.

Which I'm so pleased about

@AnotherExWife what did you 'do' wrong this time? What is it you usually do wrong? And how often does it occur? Was it the same in your childhood?

@Gina2012 so once you accepted it you had a better relationship? We do have a 'good' relationship... ish! Aside from the fall outs. The last was almost a year and a half ago, so we've been pretty much fine for a year and a half but still a few hairy moments, just no being ignored! So maybe I'm just being a tad dramatic!