Mum ignoring me again

[chickaletta2020]

My mum was going to have my daughters yesterday while my partner and I went out for a meal that we'd booked, I asked her if she'd rather I asked my partners sister instead as she said her shoulder was hurting, she said she'd be fine. Then an hour before she was due to arrive she got her boyfriend to text me to say she wasn't well and wasn't coming (often says she's not well but then goes out for coffee), luckily my partners sister was still free and had them for me so no harm done.

Over the last few months she's been having my children once a week while I work for a couple of hours until my partner gets in from work. It's been quite stressful for me to get dinner prepared and served and then get my daughters in from school and rush out to work, so I rang last night to say I'd been thinking about it and for the new year I'd change my hours to start once my husband gets in. She said I'm a liar and it's obviously because she let me down yesterday, I'm not lying, I obviously timed it wrong in telling her that but I didn't think it through in that way.

Anyway she's now ignored me since, even though I've sent her various messages that she'd usually reply to. To put it into context she is so easily offended and has ignored me for weeks on end before, once because I asked her not to give my children sweets before dinner, so I'm not surprised, I'm just so bored of the emotional drama. Prepared to hear that I'm in the wrong!

I don't know if I've dramatised, she's always been there if I've needed her and if I rang her right now and said I need her she'd be there in a flash, I could go up to her house and call her out on ignoring me and have an argument but I don't have the energy or the desire. In times past I would have gone up there and had it out and we'd be talking again.

I think it's the same with any relationship, @chickaletta2020

Although Mum/Daughter has more emotional investment, perhaps

The way your mother chooses to act is nothing to do with you

The way you react/respond to her is 100% your responsibility

Choose how you respond to her very carefully and eventually the fear you feel from her immature ignoring episodes , will fade

It takes some practice but once you're used to it, you'll be fine

@Gina2012 so very true, I've known that for years and I once made the mistake of telling her that I wasn't going to feel the guilt anymore... I have got better but old habits die hard I guess!

Old habits are SO SO hard to break - but it's doable with practice xxx

My mom is similar, along with the guilty feelings. I’ve ended up apologising for things that were absolutely not my fault in the past. Can’t be arsed with it now so just ignore if anything happens. Makes life much easier!

Thank you everyone. I just wish I could shake the feeling of guilt/dread!

Its good to have one line that you say in those times eg i'm sorry you feel like that and then go on with your day.
You could have been upset she pulled out at the last minute but you just got on with your life. She is the one creating drama. Leave her for a bit and be happy you have done nothing wrong. You sound like a good dd..too good actually. Its always a good thing to do something different in these situations. So new year, new you. Stop contacting her and go on with your own life today. When she comes out of her sulk just give her no extra attention for it as you are encouraging that behaviour.
She will be lucky she doesn't go too far and lose all the good times with ye all.

Thank you @junebirthdaygirl I will keep those thoughts in mind!!!!! ❤️

10 years ago I could have written your post. I never moved on from the begging for forgiveness stage (didn’t have mumsnet as an insight back then). She died, and when the shock faded I just felt anger (which I still feel now about how she wasted so much time behaving like that). I am so glad my children were too young to see the dynamic.

Looking back she had a few mild mental health issues, and her own mother was immature so some of it was learnt behaviour. She didn’t have the emotional maturity to see that though. It was always her that was “hurt” and me that was “being hard and uncaring”. God knows what would’ve happened if I’d stood up to her (I was beholden for childcare so it was tricky). Good luck, I know that feeling of dread all too well.

What does it matter if she thinks you changed the arrangement because she let you down? That should make her feel guilty, rather than feeling that it's a stick to beat you with.

@Mascarponeandwine goodness me, that sounds awful, did you get on with her? And were there times of happiness?

I hate relying on anyone for anything - especially childcare, for these reasons!

@DeepanKrispanEven she hides any feeling of her own guilt with anger at me and turns it round so she genuinely believes I'm in the wrong.

I asked her to stop giving my children sweets before dinner, she translated that to 'I've done so much to help you and this is how you repay me' and didn't speak to me for weeks 🙄

Fear obligation and guilt
they really do a number on you don't they

That thing about the sweet is so ridiculous you should just laugh it off
seriously she's behaving like a child
treat her like one

Oh yes, we had periods of up to a year with all going well. It was exactly as previous posters said, all usually fine. But on these intermittent occasions when she decided I was responsible for a perceived wrong, the sulking,!silent treatment and guilt / fear cycle started, for however long she decided it would, until she got over her “hurt”.

No one knows this was our relationship and from the outside no one would ever have guessed. I was deep in the FOG - fear obligation guilt cycle mentioned so much on the relationships board. I totally identify with everything said above and wishnid have had the strength and insight to challenge it when she was alive. But I’m not sure she could’ve adapted it was so ingrained.

How are things with you now? Any contact?

And your last post is spot on. Back When I was 18 (many years ago) i told my mother about sleeping with a casual boyfriend who then dumped me. I got “how could you do this to me, after I supported you and stuck by you when your father was out of work and we had no money”. When I was 4

Looking back it’s batshit. She just couldn’t deal with emotional maturity, so blaming me for causing an issue in the first place was the most comfortable route for her.

Anyway she's now ignored me since...but actually how long is this, a few hours ? I would get wound up by that.

Your Mum sounds like a twat though, Just let her get on with it, it sounds like help will alway be conditional so do as you have done and found alternatives. Dont rely on someone who uses emotional blackmail

Sorry...I wouldn't get wound up by a few hours of ignoring texts peace

My neice had this with her mum. It broke her and my neice hasn't spoke to her mum for 3 years. It's damaging.

Never underestimate the power of FOG
It is taken me decades to understand things, and now that I finally understand I feel pretty angry with these little old people that I couldn't possibly be horrible to because they're little old people🙄

I could write your post.... it’s so hard dealing with someone who sulks ignores and makes digs. I would not accept this behaviour in any other area of my life. My husband marvels at the dynamic. Even last night I called to say happy new year she refused to speak on the phone I have no idea what I have done. It is upsetting and I guess my New Years resolution is to try to deal with my emotional response. I think my aim is to not recreate the same dynamic with my own children. I sometimes think I should go no contact but that feels too much but it is draining and then it will all improve and I will think maybe I imagined it.... DH gets a bit cross with me then. His take is she is controlling and unpleasant. It is almost impossible to challenge as I feel like I have been programmed for 45 years. I have however moved away do not let my children see this behaviour....,, I would consider very carefully the negative impact she may have on your children. Good luck it’s so hard when it’s your own mum

If you have sent her a few messages and she is ignoring them and you know she is ignoring them, send one final one. Something like. Hi Mum me again, hope you are feeling better. I'll leave the ball in your court now, so call text/me when you up to a chat. Kids say Happy New Year. Love xxxxx.

The message is bright and brezzy but make her responsible for her silent treatment. If she chooses to stop talking to you for 6 weeks then so be it. Its her loss, and you need to break this go away/come back cycle, its unhealthy. Stop chasing her for scraps of attention. You are a mother now, show your children that love and respect is not guilt and manipulation.

She will be setting up your children as weapons to use against you, not deliberately or consciously necessarily but she will be setting you all against each other

you are an adult now but she doesn't want to see you as a person of equal standing this is why she's constantly trying to get control over you, she is trying to assume the position of a 'super adult' someone who has authority over you,

It's really difficult to read all these messages but at the same time comforting.. I genuinely still feel I was in the wrong for not waiting to say about not needing the childcare anymore. But things have bubbled up and I did want her to know I was cross. She's also annoyed because when her boyfriend text me to say she wasn't coming the other day I said 'are you serious, what the hell is wrong with her' he forwarded that to her and she took umbrage with that.

I would never treat my children in the way I've been treated. When I was at university, really homesick and anxious she promised to come and visit me and then was 'unwell' and said don't worry your brother is coming instead.. lovely but I wanted my mum not my brother

When I came home for half term she didn't speak to me for the whole week I was home because I stayed at my dads wife's to keep an eye on her younger daughter...

She didn't speak to me for a month after I went on holiday with my dad and his wife even though I'd been on countless holidays with her and her boyfriend (who she had an affair with and left my dad and used me in the affair countless times) she told me to pack my bags and leave when I got back and 'walk off into the sunset with dad'

I was starting a new job once when I was around 20 and very anxious about it and we had an argument and she said well you seem to like 'friends' mum so much so go and live there. So I went and stayed there for 6 weeks..

She stopped talking to me in my first pregnancy because my dad was going to take me to center Parcs with his wife.

She stopped talking to me the night before my wedding because my dad invited HIS family and me to his house for a pre wedding dinner

She stopped talking to me after the wedding because my dads wife sat in front of her at my wedding (that I admit was unfortunate....)

This is all so pathetic, I can't believe I'm writing it about an adult woman who is my mother. I will never ever treat my children in this way and I hope they'll never pick up on any of it (they haven't at all to date and have never mentioned anything or known about any of the fall outs)

I accept she is the way she she is, I would never go non contact as I'd really miss her, I'll just let her have her sulk and she can come crawling back if/when she pleases (the if still makes me feel anxious in case she doesn't, but that won't be my choice or my doing)

I am well aware that I sound like a pathetic human being, I honestly don't come across like this in real life 😂 and no one on the outside would know any of this - as a PP said about their own.