Mum ignoring me again

[chickaletta2020]

My mum was going to have my daughters yesterday while my partner and I went out for a meal that we'd booked, I asked her if she'd rather I asked my partners sister instead as she said her shoulder was hurting, she said she'd be fine. Then an hour before she was due to arrive she got her boyfriend to text me to say she wasn't well and wasn't coming (often says she's not well but then goes out for coffee), luckily my partners sister was still free and had them for me so no harm done.

Over the last few months she's been having my children once a week while I work for a couple of hours until my partner gets in from work. It's been quite stressful for me to get dinner prepared and served and then get my daughters in from school and rush out to work, so I rang last night to say I'd been thinking about it and for the new year I'd change my hours to start once my husband gets in. She said I'm a liar and it's obviously because she let me down yesterday, I'm not lying, I obviously timed it wrong in telling her that but I didn't think it through in that way.

Anyway she's now ignored me since, even though I've sent her various messages that she'd usually reply to. To put it into context she is so easily offended and has ignored me for weeks on end before, once because I asked her not to give my children sweets before dinner, so I'm not surprised, I'm just so bored of the emotional drama. Prepared to hear that I'm in the wrong!

It is very very hard to criticize your parents, even if they have been complete and utter toe rags
I know

Op she sounds awful. The money side of things alone sounds terrible!

Very controlling and judging and rude. It also sounds like she doesn't like you asking her for something for one second!!

No one is perfect, people can be madly disfunctional and still bring warmth and love into your life.. Mostly with small % of misery. We are all human. I don't know a single person without something odd going on.

The most in control people I know who never loose their temper are two of the most controlling chilling people I have ever met!

I agree with other posters, no big announcements no huge cutting off ceremony, no talking to her about how you feel

You need to see her for what she is and lower your expectations of her right down low.

Keep her in a little compartment in your head, pre prepare for bad behavior.

Is she worth the mental anguish? Is it alot of mental anguish? Or is it time to start to manage her and you dictate what goes on.

Society, culture, media all dictate our parents are wondeful, grandparent are cute Disney people with shining eyes full of nothing but love.

Not true. Some humans, many are not nice and many are our parents and grandparents.

@Zevitevitchofcwsmas thank you for your detailed post, I really appreciate that. I think if I weighed it up the happy times are a lot higher than the mental angst and the mental angst can be managed a lot by the advice everyone has given on here - not feeding her need for control etc. I think I'll just wait and see what happens and I'm going to have to put on a very good act of calm and unruffled. My dad has always had that approach with her and she absolutely hates it because she can't get a rise out of him. His favourite phrase when I was growing up was 'water off a ducks back' it's since changed to 'water off a ducks arse' heavily trying to adopt this approach!!! Cool as a cucumber!

This thread has been immensely helpful and comforting to me. I am currently managing an episode that began on New Years Day and everything here makes me feel stronger, justified and worthy of better. Thank you to you all.

@BugPlaster feel free to talk if you need to!

Hugs @BugPlaster

If I can help, please let me know xx

Thank you (I can't do name tags!) The 'incident' was about her dog needing to be muzzled when near my children - it is a rescue dog and not good with children and we have spoken in person and on email about the need for a muzzle or for it to be in a different room when we visit - advice she was given when she got him and didn't originally share with me. When we arrived the dog was not muzzled and she asked if I wanted him put in another room so I said 'yes, if he is not going to be muzzled.'
An hour or so went by and my DS asked why he couldn't see the dog and she said 'I'm not quite sure'. I said, 'because he is not muzzled' and she was all smiles and agreed he would be in future. Half an hour later we were leaving and she commented it wasn't fair for the dog to be muzzled and I told her I wouldn't take the risk.
A couple of hours later I get an email accusing me of talking to her like an idiot, that her life is so sad and lonely and the dog is her lifeline (words to that affect), that it would never seriously hurt the children.
Really the words weren't the issue, the fact her dog comes before the children is. Why would you take the risk and why change the agreement we have made? It also brings the dread of more emails, as has been the case in the past. The ones that attack my personality.
She has made so many choices in her life that put her before me and my siblings that this is triggering for me. I will never treat my children the way she has treated me but also I am tired of trying to make our relationship work even on this basic go round for a cuppa level. I have long been the adult in the relationship and I am so very bored by it all.
I fear I am drip feeding but I can't face going in to my history right now. while we were fed and clothed and yes we were loved there were conditions, she put her emotional wants before what was best for us. I basically find it hard to even have a conversation with her because her interest lies solely in talking about herself and gossiping about people. I withdraw and bite my lip.
I didn't reply to the email and have just had another asking me where to find something I told her was sold at a local shop. No mention of the issue that has driven me mad for a day and a half, no how are you. I know this means we are out of the woods but I don't want to reply, don't want to play her games.

@Bugplaster, I hear you
The last straw for me was the putting the dog above my child
After that happened I dumped my parent
I explained away things things that happened between my parents and me, made excuses for them found it hard to think clearly etc etc
But when they offended against my child I drew the line immediately

@Chick you say your dad is able to deal with your mum, I think it can be much harder for children because of the pre-existing power imbalance
But once you get control, once you wrestle the reins out of their hands....
actually I think this can be quite dangerous because the urge to take revenge when someone has clearly caused you damage and pain....

@Wordthe was yours a similar incident? Did you go no contact?

@BugPlaster that's awful, I do find a lot of people I know have been very silly when it comes to their dogs, in fact nearly all the people I know with dogs, no one knows how a dog will react in a given situation and for a rescue dog, my goodness it's a no brainer. People trust their dogs, but it really wouldn't be the dogs fault if something happened, they have instinct to protect themselves! How often does this happen with your mum? Your mum sounds a lot more vocal than mine, my mum will let it fester for weeks on end and then either have a big blow up argument or swan in as if nothing happened! But it's the way we feel that's the problem. It really does consume my thoughts, every time my phone goes off I wonder if it's her!

@Wordthe oh that's so true, she has said to me 'I'm the adult you're my child!' So she still views me as a child! She also doesn't treat my brother in that way because she knows he'll just ignore her forever and he couldn't give two monkeys what she does. They don't have a relationship at all. He will give her an obligatory phone call a couple of times a year but they never see each other. Rarely if ever.

@chickaletta2020 yes she is vocal. She has ignored me in the past for saying I would stay at my dad's for an extra night or similarly minor thing when I was a teen but it's more that she bombards me with her neediness.
The dog thing is tip of the iceberg. I know the fog cycle very well.

'I'm the adult you're my child!'
when she says that correct her immediately
she is pushing your boundaries, once you concede that you are a child relative to her then you give away any power and she will treat you like a child
Nip it in the bud and assert that you are an adult

if either of my parents said that to me I would verbally slap them down

you are willingly letting her do this to you

if you lie on the floor people will see it as an invitation to walk all over you

@Wordthe I can't remember when she said it or in what context but it's not a regular thing, if she ever says it again I will, don't worry 😂

I wrote a message I was going to send to my mum, it was quite impassive stating the facts, but I'm not going to add to the BS. I wanted to get it off my chest and draw a line but actually it doesn't, it shows I'm bothered and if I ever mention any of it, it shows I'm bothered. I'd rather show indifference. If and when she approaches me I am going to adopt a casual and less emotional response. I'm going to politely decline any offers of help and just say oh no honestly it's fine! I am genuinely sad it's come to this but I have had so many realisations since writing this thread. I am astonished that I never realised this before! I was always upset by the behaviour but I accepted it and took responsibility for a lot of it.

My daughters birthday is soon. If she dropped off a gift (done this before posting vouchers through the door) do I a) acknowledge the gift and send casual thanks via text, b) get husband to text thanks, c) return the gift, d) ignore

I'm thinking a) ??

Thank you all so much for your support in this thread. Quite overwhelmed with the advice and support.

Ah just wrote another reply on here and it didn't send 😫 kicking myself as I wish I'd sent a 'sorry you feel that way' message in response to her message about me lying. Putting the onus on her. I show far too much emotion in every relationship I have, I need to learn to be more impassive and keep my emotions out of a lot of things. I've really learnt a lot from this thread. I just really hope I can put the theory into practice and learn how to adapt my behaviour as I wear my heart on my sleeve and it leaves me open to being walked over and to taking things far too personally. Maybe I'm a narcissist 🙄 totally wrapped up in myself and the way things make me feel. Gee get a grip woman 😂

Not sorry actually, that accepts responsibility. Maybe 'what a shame you feel that way'

Ok but bear in mind that writing a message where you stated things plainly and calmly, well it may not be received in the way that you might hope
She may react very defensively
think volcano

I think you're quite right not to contact your mum and to act casual if she gets in touch.
Maybe you could speak to your dad about it?
I'd say a) if she drops off a gift.

Coming from yet another person with a similar-sounding mother, I’m wishing you all the very best chicka. After a lifetime of the same sort of treatment, which has definitely been very emotionally damaging, I’m now at LC with my mother and it is better. But I am not going to pretend I don’t still feel some guilt - it has been ingrained and so strongly conditioned that it is very hard to completely uproot, I think. However, one thing that I am finding quite helpful is to practice mindfulness meditation, as that is helping me to recognise that I am not my emotions, and I don’t have to react immediately to what I am feeling. So when I get that guilt and dread (‘what if something happens to her?’), I’m better able to be a curious observer of the thought/feeling rather than needing to spring into action or beat myself up about it, and can either allow it to drift away again or can gently consider where it might be coming from in my own time. I don’t want it to all sound too woo , but, as I say, it has been something helpful to me and it might be worth looking into to!

Yes I agree it is best not to send a letter. I wrote one for my own benefit but won't send it. That's better because you can say all the things you know would inflame the situation and get it off your chest without her actually knowing how it bothers you. I wrote it in the notes on my phone so I can add to it at a moments notice.
@GrandmaSteglitszch I too have tried low contact (I take it that's what you mean?) and it helps although she still sends numerous emails and always calls at the worst moments like putting the kids to bed. As my mum has recently moved back to my town it is harder now and I have tried to just go with. Subconsciously I was waiting for some flare up. It will always be the way.

Sorry it was @TuMeke Who mentioned LC

Thank you for your input everyone. I agree with everything you have all said. I feel like I'm living in a bizarre reality writing this - I can't believe what I'm writing and that it's come to this? It feels almost surreal.

@TuMeke how long ago did you go low contact? The meditation sounds right up my street, so will be trying that. What was your relationship like before? And how did the low contact play out? Has she noticed? Mentioned it?

I'm really not sure what I anticipate happening, I just need to be a lot more impassive and show a lot less of my emotions, in every aspect of my life. I am happy for her to see me and my children, but it will be on different terms (I.e me actually there!!) she also heavily favouritises one of my children. They haven't noticed, but this is funny because she was the favourite in childhood, she knew it and so did her siblings. She then did the same to my brother. My children are too young to have noticed. I have always called her out on it and she's laughed it off. I'm not going to let this develop.