Mum ignoring me again

[chickaletta2020]

My mum was going to have my daughters yesterday while my partner and I went out for a meal that we'd booked, I asked her if she'd rather I asked my partners sister instead as she said her shoulder was hurting, she said she'd be fine. Then an hour before she was due to arrive she got her boyfriend to text me to say she wasn't well and wasn't coming (often says she's not well but then goes out for coffee), luckily my partners sister was still free and had them for me so no harm done.

Over the last few months she's been having my children once a week while I work for a couple of hours until my partner gets in from work. It's been quite stressful for me to get dinner prepared and served and then get my daughters in from school and rush out to work, so I rang last night to say I'd been thinking about it and for the new year I'd change my hours to start once my husband gets in. She said I'm a liar and it's obviously because she let me down yesterday, I'm not lying, I obviously timed it wrong in telling her that but I didn't think it through in that way.

Anyway she's now ignored me since, even though I've sent her various messages that she'd usually reply to. To put it into context she is so easily offended and has ignored me for weeks on end before, once because I asked her not to give my children sweets before dinner, so I'm not surprised, I'm just so bored of the emotional drama. Prepared to hear that I'm in the wrong!

My dad is extremely down to earth, generally always right and totally calm. They split over 15 years ago and he is shocked now that they were married for so long in such an unhealthy relationship, she used to ignore him constantly and the arguments were shocking. We'd get on holiday and she'd throw a hissy fit and make my dad book flights to go home because she didn't like the room or something. A lot of it was down to OCD but also jealousy, possessive and egotistical behaviour came into everything.

My dad says she'll come crawling back, it just sounds so vile to speak of her in this way. I am so confused by it all. You are right though, she knows that this behaviour causes me great anxiety but when I've told her that before she turns it round. She just lives in this stupid little bubble, arghhhh

I am still pretty gobsmacked that I've not heard from her on New Year's Day, it really doesn't bode well for the year 🙄

chickaletta when it comes to your mum, you need to be the adult because she isn't.

Enjoy the good times with her, but let her get on with the bad times and return to you when she's good and ready. No need to lose contact, but quietly stop expecting reliability or steadiness. You get that from your dad. She isn't a mummy to you any more, the tables are turned and actually I think her behaviour is worse than you think it is. All that stuff about booking flights home is pretty weird, you know.

That step away from her emotionally is hard to do - you have to stop expecting her to be there in a reassuring, safe way - but it does stop the endless cycle of fear of annoying her, banked up fed-upness on your behave, power and control politics and the golden reward of things being lovely when you are doing what she wants. It is like coming into fresh air, and it doesn't diminish your love for her, it only increases your own sense of ability to deal with her flaws and all.

Btw anyone who refers back to gifts / help they've given in a guilt tripping way isn't freely giving them in the first way. It's another control trick. "Gratitude is a coat that can grow to constrict tightly" in these circumstances.

she knows that this behaviour causes me great anxiety but when I've told her that before she turns it round
dont tell her, you are 'feeding' her

your Dad regards her as as toxic, and you say you respect his judgement, there is a clear need to protect yourself from her, or at least from certain aspects of her.
I agree with @SeaEagle, be the adult in this situation, maybe think about her childhood, see what influences led her to be this way and see the damaged child when you interact with her.

My grandad was very dictatorial and controlling but everyone put her on a pedestal and she freely and smugly admits how she was the favourite and everyone loved her.. my auntie and uncle have verified! Her boyfriend now is like a puppy who will pander to her every whim and fancy, he often gets the silent treatment for weeks too.

I can't believe I think it's all so normal - well I know it's not normal, I know I'd never treat anyone in that way and I know other people aren't like this, but I guess she's my mum and I've grown to accept it all. I really thank you all so much for your comments and support, I actually thought I'd be told I was pathetic for cutting the childcare agreement so soon after she let me down, as I was being passive aggressive!

It could have been me typing this years ago. She is a narcissist. Go google.

it just sounds so vile to speak of her in this way. I am so confused by it all.

It's not vile

It's the truth

It's who she is

I would suggest that she's not going to change. I would also suggest that she can't help being the way she is (it's ingrained deeply in her, now, and she will always be this way)

It's made more shocking because she's your Mum and our expectations of our mothers are that they should be kind caring and compassionate

But some mothers are incapable of being that way

It will help you to learn (over time) to accept this. Then, when she has one of her Power Withdrawals, you will be able to allow it to wash over you.

Your DM sounds like a piece of work. Don’t blink now - Let her break radio silence. In the meanwhile you might want to read Toxic Parents - I bet the section on controlling parents might strike a chord or 2....

She's always going on about how kind and caring she is and has been in that she would come to me in a flash if I needed her. She's rushed back from places before to help me when in need and cancel all plans.

So if and when she speaks to me, do I not make any reference to what she's done? How do I broach it? I feel I'll be being walked over if I don't mention it (I am being walked over) what response do I have to the passive aggressive stuff? And do I let her go on thinking she's the one who's been wronged?

Cancelling plans when your children need help is not actually pretty standard, not a sign of incredible parenting.

In terms of a response, how about: “Oh it’s you. I thought you had fallen down a hole / so glad you’ve decided to stop sulking!”. I wouldn’t say how it upsets you, gives her more ammunition for next time.

You are right though, she knows that this behaviour causes me great anxiety but when I've told her that before she turns it round.

Your mistake was in telling her it upset you - that's exactly what she wanted. Comtesse's response is the right one.

Hi everybody. Op you asked about how to make references to what she has done, she wants you to. She wants you to broach the subject so she can do her crying routine. Don't. Leave off for a while, let her make the next move. My Mum has a very toxic sister and I've read some of the emails she sent. Mum has a medical issue, that is permanent and painful. I have disabilities and my Aunt accused her of making hers up to take attention off me and tried to tell family that Mum lied about her medical things. We let other sister know what was happening and then ignored her. She's more civil now, but I still don't want to talk to her. Op if your Mum tries to bring anything up just be all "oh no I changed hours at work, don't you remember? We talked about it oh look at those lovely roses" Keep on finding neutral things to say. She'll run out of steam eventually.
By the way, What's FOG?

She is expert at pressing all the right buttons with you and because you're in close and regular contact its difficult for you to get any space and analyse what's going on
I think you will need to distance yourself from her a bit in order to get any perspective to really see what she's doing and she will resist that because she instinctively understands that her power over you comes from being in close contact

@redwitch5 thank you for that perspective and I'm sorry about your mums sister, some people really are vile..

Ok so not even mention what has happened? Would that be fuelling her fire? I just feel like I'll be letting her get away with it but I suppose if I give her no ammunition then nothing can be used against me.

I highly doubt I'll see her very much, she liked the childcare arrangement because it meant she didn't have to actually make an effort, she goes round in this little bubble not making much effort for anyone, swanning around going for coffee, weeks would go by where I didn't see her and she'd say oh I see you all the time.

That part of it started when her boyfriend got made redundant, before that she was round all the time, I was dropped instantly - she'd blame him and say he gets funny otherwise. Then he got another job and started coming round again, then he lost it and I was dropped again, more fool me for being the mug.

I do feel sorry for her as she doesn't have much of a relationship with anyone, but reading all this back I can see why.

I actually can't believe how blinded and stupid I have been. If I had read this thread written by someone else, I know exactly what I'd say. Having said that, I do still love my mum and would help her if in need and want to see her, but on my terms!

Fear obligation guilt cycle - only learnt it from this thread!

Name change fail, the post below was me, will post again;

@redwitch5 thank you for that perspective and I'm sorry about your mums sister, some people really are vile..

Ok so not even mention what has happened? Would that be fuelling her fire? I just feel like I'll be letting her get away with it but I suppose if I give her no ammunition then nothing can be used against me.

I highly doubt I'll see her very much, she liked the childcare arrangement because it meant she didn't have to actually make an effort, she goes round in this little bubble not making much effort for anyone, swanning around going for coffee, weeks would go by where I didn't see her and she'd say oh I see you all the time.

That part of it started when her boyfriend got made redundant, before that she was round all the time, I was dropped instantly - she'd blame him and say he gets funny otherwise. Then he got another job and started coming round again, then he lost it and I was dropped again, more fool me for being the mug.

I do feel sorry for her as she doesn't have much of a relationship with anyone, but reading all this back I can see why.

I actually can't believe how blinded and stupid I have been. If I had read this thread written by someone else, I know exactly what I'd say. Having said that, I do still love my mum and would help her if in need and want to see her, but on my terms!

Fear obligation guilt cycle - only learnt it from this thread!

Ok so not even mention what has happened?

Not exactly. If you use the suggested "So glad you've stopped sulking" response, it makes it clear to her that you regard her response to what happened as pretty ridiculous; and that, if she wanted to punish you by using the silent treatment, it hasn't worked.

She's always going on about how kind and caring she is People who go on about how caring they are, are invested in feeling good about themselves as much as they are in actually being helpful.

So if and when she speaks to me, do I not make any reference to what she's done? How do I broach it? I feel I'll be being walked over if I don't mention it (I am being walked over)

Right now you're walking on eggshells, which is no way to live. I think you need to face that she isn't going to like it if you act differently and you're going to get storms of protest (passive aggressive being one form of them)

It sounds like you need to say something for your own well being. Say it calmly and be prepared to weather the storms. Put your 'dealing with angry members of the public' face on. If it gets too much, say so calmly and remove yourself.

Your mum loves you, it's clear, it's just a damaged love. She almost certainly won't stay away forever.

And do I let her go on thinking she's the one who's been wronged?

you can't control what she thinks. If she's got a subtle victim mentality there is nothing you can do about it. She's trained you to think you can though. By sulking or being nasty when she's upset and turning the sunshine on when she finds your behaviour nice, she's trained you to be too aware of her moods and thus, you got the message that if you're always nice and grateful you can modify her behaviour.

The price is your own self, wishes and desires. Hers don't trump yours, and yours don't trump hers. With healthy relationships there's a middle ground where you compromise. But here, she's trying always to be in charge. With your mum, she isn't going to give ground; you have to take some to stand on for yourself. It's good to do that and to get a balance in the relationship.

(Essay over)

@SeaEagleFeather wow thank you so much for that response. It does make so much sense. What do you think I should say? @DeepanKrispanEven I want to say that - along with many other things but I feel it's antagonistic and I'll get an argument and feel even worse, I just don't know how to play it.

I just can't believe it's been days now and I'm so angry. I don't want her to swan in and go back to normal and think that she's got away with it!!

And @SeaEagleFeather you are so right about the feeling of helping people for own gratification rather than helping people to be helpful. It's infuriating!!!!!

When she's not helped out in the past and other family have, she's said 'but do they know that I couldn't help because of xyz' (terrible reason that wouldn't have stopped her helping) but rather than thinking of the situation I needed help with, she focuses on what people would think of her

Ok so not even mention what has happened? Would that be fuelling her fire? I just feel like I'll be letting her get away with i
because she ENJOYS upsetting you and making you feel anxious, she finds it rewarding because it makes her feel powerful and in control of you

If you get angry or upset at someone that tells them they have the power to trigger you into doing things...things which may well be against their own interests

I think you need to say in a quiet, controlled way that you don't like her behaviour but that it's her choice. They are mild words, but it gets over your feelings and also making it clear that her behaviour is -her- responsibility not yours. It puts the ball very firmly in her court for next time ... and there will be a next time. People tend to become more themselves as they age, and this is a deep ingrained pattern with her.

"you can't change her, only your own responses" as so many people have said.

The price of all this is losing some of the closeness in the good times though. You have to face that head on. It means not quite trusting her closeness and good humour because you -know- that it can change. Unbounded trust will no longer quite exist.

it's a high price but tbh, chicka, it's a process almost everyone has to face as their parents get older. Most people find their parents growing smaller as they age and their worlds grow smaller, and become more aware of separation from them. It's painful but part of the process of living. You have the added complication of sensing, at a very deep level, that your mother's behaviour isn't quite right and hasn't been for a very long time.

I do sometimes feel sorry for older women who are so passive aggressive because the old culture was that men were the head of the households and women owed them obedience ... yay religion. Women's sense of personal potency on their own was removed, they were more powerless and so they had to gain their wishes by more roundabout and unhealthy ways.

But the world changes (thank god) and a more straightforward way of communicating is far far better. Some older people struggle to adapt though. But it's a fight that needs to be fought.

@SeaEagleFeather I totally agree with you on the generation side of things, my mum is only 60 though, so not sure if it applies to her. Haha.

Thank you and @Wordthe and all the other lovely people who have commented on my post, I feel enlightened and I've realised things that I have come close to realising before but pushed to the back of my mind because I do love my mum so much. I love her but I absolutely despise her behaviour towards me and the impact it has on me.

You are all so right that I've given her power by wearing my heart on my sleeve and letting her know exactly how she makes me feel. But I didn't realise she was a narcissist! I still am wondering if she actually gets enjoyment from that, I'm not sure how much of this is a conscious thing or intentional. I don't think it is.

So I will get on with my life and when she approaches me decide what to say based on what she says to me. I may well be writing another thread to ask how to deal with it if she does. Wonder how long it will take this time

Good luck, chicka.

(btw, so many people use the word 'narcissist' casually. Your mother is flawed, more than you realise atm probably, and set in her behaviour patterns but she probably isn't diagnosably a narcissist)

@SeaEagleFeather you are right. It's like people casually saying 'I've got terrible OCD so I clean every day' erm no I think you just like a clean house and people fling the anxiety term around a lot! (Not saying all the people who say it aren't genuine)

Thank you for the well wishes!

Wonderful wise words SeaEagleFeather
🦅
😊

You have all been wonderful. I will be coming back to this thread and reading again to keep this fresh in my mind.

I keep getting waves of guilt when I think of my poor little old lonely mum