Mum ignoring me again

[chickaletta2020]

My mum was going to have my daughters yesterday while my partner and I went out for a meal that we'd booked, I asked her if she'd rather I asked my partners sister instead as she said her shoulder was hurting, she said she'd be fine. Then an hour before she was due to arrive she got her boyfriend to text me to say she wasn't well and wasn't coming (often says she's not well but then goes out for coffee), luckily my partners sister was still free and had them for me so no harm done.

Over the last few months she's been having my children once a week while I work for a couple of hours until my partner gets in from work. It's been quite stressful for me to get dinner prepared and served and then get my daughters in from school and rush out to work, so I rang last night to say I'd been thinking about it and for the new year I'd change my hours to start once my husband gets in. She said I'm a liar and it's obviously because she let me down yesterday, I'm not lying, I obviously timed it wrong in telling her that but I didn't think it through in that way.

Anyway she's now ignored me since, even though I've sent her various messages that she'd usually reply to. To put it into context she is so easily offended and has ignored me for weeks on end before, once because I asked her not to give my children sweets before dinner, so I'm not surprised, I'm just so bored of the emotional drama. Prepared to hear that I'm in the wrong!

@BugPlaster great idea. I've done that before with other people - written extremely angry letters/messages that I've had every intention of sending. Then decided to wait on it. Then realised it won't achieve the desired effect and left it, but it's very therapeutic to write it out isn't it?!

@chickaletta2020 I’m pleased that the meditation idea didn’t horrify you too much I use a free app called Insight a timer which has guided meditations of all lengths and topics you can imagine, and I’ve found some incredibly helpful ones on there.

Regarding going LC (yes @BugPlaster, you’re right that I meant low contact!), I guess it happened about two years ago. I hit some awful personal circumstances, and my mother’s reaction was really self absorbed and all about her reactions instead of what I was going through. When I wasn’t prepared to dissect and focus on her feelings at the expense of my own, she did her usual trick of lashing out and then going silent. That time, I genuinely didn’t have enough emotional energy to spend on dancing to her tune and had to focus on simply getting through my situation. When I had recovered somewhat, I just decided that I didn’t want to make myself vulnerable to her whims of approval and disapproval any more as it was so draining and made me feel bad about myself. So, since then, I’ve just not risen to her attempts to guilt me and gone grey rock, and kept all interactions fairly limited and on my terms. It’s still a work in progress, but it’s nice to be off the roller coaster of worrying when my normal behaviour will next be perceived as out of line and require ‘punishment’...

Sorry for the essay and no intention to derail at all!

Don't worry about it , by ignoring you it's her that's missing out .

meditation is great! I don't do it enough, but always benefit from it when I do.

I'd go with message a) too.

she also heavily favouritises one of my children. They haven't noticed

are you quite, quite sure? it's amazing what even tinies pick up.

More than anything else you've said, this behaviour is the most destructive. I suspect part of the reason you feel yourself so responsible for her is that you were the second-best child and naturally, the little girl inside you wants to earn her unreserved approval. It will not come. It's the beloved, secure child who often moves on and away from a smothering mother (your bro) and the insecure one who stays and tries to make everything alright.

Because of this alone, unless she changes her behaviour I think you need to back quite a long way away.

This campaign is going to take some years btw and will always be a bit tricky because her behaviour patterns are so ingrained. IN a way, you're re-training an adult toddler; strong limits, love and not expecting any true responsibility from them.

Well done OP. I have some of this knocking around in my wider family- favourites, power and control games through flare ups and silence, adult children being dropped and picked up in line with new interests (men, often), phrases such as "walked all over", X not speaking to Y in a playground type of way, professional victim posers.

It is emotionally immature of your mother and you don't have to play the game. I really like the meditation idea above-that you as a person are separate from your emotions.

What I wanted to say to you is that you are good enough as you are, regardless of her approval of you this week or last.

@TuMeke by no means derailing, I would like to hear other people's examples. The self absorbed responses to a situation that I'm finding difficult really resonates and drives me utterly crazy!! Like you I no longer have the energy any more!

Thank you @Yearofthemum that is so true!!

Wow @SeaEagleFeather this is so true! I have always felt insecure and the need for approval, she has told me that before too in a nasty way! But obviously I can't be sure if my child has been affected! Definitely something to nip in the bud!

I have always felt insecure and the need for approval,

well yes. she set it up that way. Her own mind may have been playing tricks on her, actually; clearly she loves you a lot. But she may be replaying how -she- was brought up, only a bit better than her own mum.

It is still a flawed love tho, and the favouritism really does need stopping right now.

Very sad though 😔 what's always got me is if she really loves me and the children that much then how can she be going to sleep at night knowing she's ignoring me. She has no idea how me or the children are, so to me she doesn't care!

Still ignoring me, despite knowing my children had some things going on that they and I (and apparently she) were really worried about, can't remember if I posted this before but my husband told me recently that she had said before Christmas that the arrangement was a big commitment and she was thinking of stopping anyway!! So you'd think she'd be pleased with me stopping it?

Keep going. It's all quiet, appreciate the moment I guess. She's just showing what's more important to her.

I just can't believe after all these years I am still gobsmacked that she'd do this to me :-(

It was fine for her to stop the agreement. But that you cancelled on her.....well the cheek!!

She is now showing you her true self. Don't be surprised if she contacts you soon as if nothing has happened.

@Zucker it makes no sense as I did it purely because it makes more sense for my family life....! And makes her life easier too?!

I'm not sure, it feels different this time, but maybe that's because I've realised how cruel she is. I've blamed myself in the past. She's left me in the lurch with other things, she knew I had a lot of things coming up that I needed her for (moral support) I'm not relying on her anymore. I can't see how the relationship will play out now, but I'm not welcoming her back with open arms. When she's started talking to me previously I have been so grateful she's talking to me again because I felt I needed her as my mum. Why would I need someone or even want someone who treats me this way.

Still so unsure how to react!!

I guess react as an 'equal' you are worthy of a grown up relationship, she's not a bale of joining you yet.
Decide what you'll say, text or in person, when she shows her face.
Eg, wow, it's been ages since you've text/called round.
Let her know you know it's unreasonable but whatever!
Remember you left the conversation on a positive note telling her to get in contact.

@woolduvet I didn't tell her to get in contact exactly 😳 I sent a few messages with pictures of the children and passed on some messages from my auntie and then gave up and stopped contacting her! It's now been two weeks and she knows I've had a lot going on in that two weeks, (plus it was new year!) yet hasn't got in contact! It feels like she never will and then have the niggling guilt of what if something happened to her I'd never forgive myself - even though none of this is my fault and we haven't even had an argument, I haven't even said anything remotely horrible to her!! I just don't know how we can move forward if she does contact me! Or what to even say'

If/when she does get in touch, one approach could be just to not allude to the silent period at all and keep things civil/polite but not go beyond that. So ‘hi, how are you?’, but otherwise nor offer up any information and definitely not any apologies! Just play it cool, calm and collected.

Something that I have found helpful to remember is that no one is automatically entitled to a place in your life just because there’s a blood connection. If they don’t have an overall positive impact and don’t treat you with love and kindness, there is no obligation to keep them around.

@TuMeke this is very very true. But I do love her and (sometimes) like her, I would miss her so much if she cut herself out of my life completely, I would be pretty devastated and would be beside myself if anything happened to her!

If I play it cool - which I think is a good option, does that not let her get away with everything and let her off the hook thinking everything is ok and I was never bothered?

It depends what you want.

If you want a really close relationship then it's best to broach it and talk to her about your upset - but frankly, it won't work. This is something of a pattern with your mum, isn't it, getting offended and then ignoring you. It's who she is. -YOU- want a close relationship but that's very very hard with someone who makes commitments, lets you down then gets offended and ignores you. Even if it is your mum. You will always have strong ups and downs in a close relationship, close times and times of a lot of hurt.

If you want to have a calmer relationship with less ups and downs, playing it cool is the best way to go. She's behaving as quixotically as a small child ( "I want to look after this toy - no I don't, but don't it away!" and with a small child, you don't get upset, you just remain calm and let them get on with it as long as they aren't hurting someone or damaging something. It means less closeness in the good times but also less hurt.

It is painful to step back though because it means accpeting your mum wholly as she is and letting go the expectation that she will always be there for you.

Manipulative parents are the worst. I am NC with mine for the last 5 years. They have always been a bit off but got much after my first kid came along. Just can’t deal with the stress of dealing with them.

Worse.

If you play it cool this gives her the message that she does not have the power to stir up your emotions and make you act out
Playing it cool tells her that you are in control

if you react then she can react and you react and she reacts
and it all escalates and it's all very stressful for you
But lots of fun for her

If you react you're playing into her hands

@SeaEagleFeather my child was exactly like that 😂 yes it is a pattern and it won't achieve anything, as @Wordthe says.. I just can't imagine a less close relationship with her, it is incredibly painful to imagine, but I guess better than being ignored. She could quite possibly react badly to me playing it cool as well, as I think it would be utterly infuriating to her. So that could cause arguments anyway! I will have to do some serious acting and learn to play it seriously cool! But it just seems awful I'm doing this against someone I love so much. I guess it's the only way. Not that I have to make these decisions yet as she's still silent.

She could quite possibly react badly to me playing it cool as well, as I think it would be utterly infuriating to her

It's an interesting question as to why she'd find it infuriating. Would she be able to examine her own behaviour as a cause?

You -are- being reasonable btw.

On another note perhaps it's just my issue but when someone calls me a liar I take it very badly. Not that they do often! But my bio. mother used to say that to us siblings and it was both hurtful and angry-making. And to be honest I thought less of her, because it was usually such a silly insult. There's only one person that I'll compromise my integrity for by lying to, and it certainly wasn't her.