Mum ignoring me again

[chickaletta2020]

My mum was going to have my daughters yesterday while my partner and I went out for a meal that we'd booked, I asked her if she'd rather I asked my partners sister instead as she said her shoulder was hurting, she said she'd be fine. Then an hour before she was due to arrive she got her boyfriend to text me to say she wasn't well and wasn't coming (often says she's not well but then goes out for coffee), luckily my partners sister was still free and had them for me so no harm done.

Over the last few months she's been having my children once a week while I work for a couple of hours until my partner gets in from work. It's been quite stressful for me to get dinner prepared and served and then get my daughters in from school and rush out to work, so I rang last night to say I'd been thinking about it and for the new year I'd change my hours to start once my husband gets in. She said I'm a liar and it's obviously because she let me down yesterday, I'm not lying, I obviously timed it wrong in telling her that but I didn't think it through in that way.

Anyway she's now ignored me since, even though I've sent her various messages that she'd usually reply to. To put it into context she is so easily offended and has ignored me for weeks on end before, once because I asked her not to give my children sweets before dinner, so I'm not surprised, I'm just so bored of the emotional drama. Prepared to hear that I'm in the wrong!

I bet she’s never wrong either. It if she is, it’s your fault in some way.

Also, never feel guilt at the “I should be grateful she’s still alive” viewpoint. It’s nonsense. I do miss a lot of aspects of having a mum, but am under no illusion that my “eggshell-walking begging for forgiveness and worried id offended her life” would’ve got worse as she aged.

You're not pathetic you are struggling to deal with a mother who doesn't behave like a grown up, all you want is for her to be sensible and reliable
and she just isn't
the taboo against criticising our parents is very very strong
it's like a burly security guard standing by the door saying no no you can't do that here

if you can try and let go of your need for her to do the sensible grown up thing
Acceptt that she's just a bit of a plonker
don't engage with any of her silliness, if you are firm and consistent you may be able to manage her down a bit or maybe wrangle her down?

Toxic isn’t it. And just, so, unnecessary.

My mum once stopped speaking to me for days because one of my sons gloves got lost when she took him out in the buggy, and I said sadly “oh no, that’s a shame they were nice gloves”. It was of course immediately twisted round into “all the things I’ve done for you, how ungrateful”, and then the silent treatment and the “looks” of disappointment, for about a week if I recall correctly.

It is pathetic but it’s not you. It’s her inability to communicate in a rational and mature manner.

What was her own mother like?

What would happen if you sent her that list and called her out on it? Not saying you should but I just wondered? Don't have a parent like this myself.

My mum once was all hurt and disappointed with me ("I was so, so hurt that you didn't ring me to wish me HNY") because I text her HNY on 1 Jan a few years ago rather than ring.

I'd stayed with her for a few days and left her house on 31 Dec so I'd seen a lot of her.

I (eventually) rang her on 2 or 3 Jan when she expressed her hurt etc.

She never rings me.

FOG is a big thing - even though I'm also a married mother myself.

I'm getting better though. My Dh has told me I can never win no matter what I do as "the cards are always stacked against you".

Though, I have rang her this morning for a 5 min chat. It was perfunctory. She can't criticise me for not ringing this year 🤣

PP in particular Gina speak a lot of sense.

Best wishes op

Sorry - didn't mean to add a biscuit. Think that must have happened when my 2 year old leapt onto me

@Mascarponeandwine I cringed reading that!!!! Her own mother is very elderly, I saw her yesterday, she is one of the kindest women I have ever met, but also suffers with anxiety. She raised my brother for the first few years of his life while my mum worked full time and she helped out so much, my mum compares her help to that but actually doesn't help even a fraction of that.

@Wordthe you are so so right on so many levels.

My mum also has a LOT of money, which she will fritter away on stupid things but not help me if I need it. For example £30 on a thin jacket for my daughter when she was a baby.. great but I didn't need it, asked her to get me an £8 tub of formula when passing the shop; she got it and asked when I would transfer the money to her account.. I've always given the money back but sometimes have got a bit fed up and said actually instead of buying the expensive gifts you've bought my children at random times you could just buy me the £8 tin of formula, she went ape shit at me saying I shouldn't have children if I couldn't afford them and that she'd never have dreamt of asking her mother for 'handouts' and how rude I was etc...

We were once shopping around the time of my eldests birthday and I pointed out a lovely t shirt with one of her favourite characters on, she said oh that's ridiculously expensive (£12 - a top she'd have loved and worn....) and then picked up some snap cards with the same favourite character on... she was going to be 2, they were £10.... I asked what is the point in snap cards, £2 difference from a top that would be useful and she'd love. I was called rude and ungrateful. My in-laws and my dad always ask what gifts my children would like so they don't end up with something they don't want or a duplicate so I would ask her for something and she would get the opposite, so I've given up on that one and accept that because she did actually make me feel rude and ungrateful!

When my youngest was small her feet turned in, my mum hyped it up and suggested we go private to get it checked, I said that I don't have the money for that, she said she'd pay and made the appointment. After the appointment she demanded half the money and said in future I should 'ask my father' because she can't afford it (she has lots of bills don't you know, but can happily waste money left right and centre on things my children don't want or need) ugh feel awful saying all this, I really feel like a terrible ungrateful person and the fact is I would be utterly devastated if anything happened to her. I only wish her well.

@Wallywobbles I dread to think, but it wouldn't go down well and she wouldn't speak to me for the rest of the year or there would be a blazing argument that I really don't have the energy for!

@Owletty the biscuit 😂 I don't even know how to do a biscuit, so your toddler is far more intelligent than me haha, oh dear.. as I typed that I looked at the smiley underneath the comment box and I can now do biscuits

Ugh I certainly feel your pain. I had never heard of FOG, but it's very true!!

Have just remembered a time my mum asked me to give my brother a lift to the dentist and take him for moral support, I ended up paying for him as he had no money, she never paid me back. She also said she'd get my eldest a toy box for her first Christmas and went and ordered it and got the message written on it. She asked us to go and collect it because it was really heavy, we ended up paying the remaining balance...

Your mother is extremely badly behaved, what you describe sounds like a child who has been given the keys to the adult world and is just totally abusing her power

she seems to have very little insight into her own behavior but you do have insight, I think it might be possible least in theory for you to manage her down and become the responsible one although I suppose it's always going to be a lot of hard work
I don't know what the answer is, please stop feeling guilty you do not have any malign intentions you are just doing your best
I hope you can detach a bit and continue being insightful and understanding the dynamics of the situation

Definitely make arrangements that don't involve relying on your Mum for child-minding.
That'll remove one opportunity for her to let you down and/or for her to take offence.
Your reply to BF's text was a bit snappy but understandable if she has previous. She's being ridiculous and you are not pathetic.

It's all hidden messages and power struggles, constantly putting herself above you and in control of you via any method she can
don't listen to her words, read her behaviour and talk to her via your behaviour

She'd Withdraw love/emotion/care because she felt hurt/hard done by/angry

It's a form of punishment used by people who aren't emotionally mature enough to talk through how they feel so that everyone can understand and things can be worked out

This also. I used to get told, after days of the silent treatment “how can you not understand how you’ve hurt me, how can you not see”. As if I was telepathic. I was supposed to be so good and loyal a daughter, that words shouldn’t be needed, I should just tap into her exact feelings and react accordingly. I used to say I’m not psychic mum and she’d be really confused by that.

Look up emmeshment and see if it applies to you also. It may not, but it did ring some bells in my case.

@Wordthe you speak so much sense. I have the upper hand here because I am an adult (although I can be immature ) and like you say I have the insight. I'm truly just going to focus on my children and the joy that they bring me. If anyone else wants to join me on that they can feel free to do so! The world is full of toxic people, we just have to sift through to find those who genuinely care! My dad is going to lend me a book called, 'the subtle art of not giving a f%#k' New Years resolution!

The silent treatment is a weapon designed to cause you pain and guilt so that you go running back and feed her with your abject apologies etc etc
Don't react to it
don't feed her don't give her any fuel
you need to stop reacting with emotion

Gina2012 is right
You can't change her behaviour you can only change your reaction, easy to say but hard to do. I'm proof that it can be done. My mother is an absolute cow and has used the same behaviour to try and control me.
Google grey rock technique,and use it it works. Guilt is a useless emotion, you can't change what has happened but you can change the future.
I'm no contact with her now. I haven't spoken or had contact with her for about 3 years. She does have a relationship with my son but he's a grown up and sees straight through her bullshit.
I don't allow her to take up space in my head any more and it's great. She can only affect you if you allow it.
Onwards and upwards, don't let this manipulative woman get the upper hand.

I agree with everyone else - she is the problem. You need to stop relying on her as that gives her the power.

Then you can ignore the silent treatment - my mother is similar and I treat her tantrums the same way I dealt with DS when he was a toddler - by completely ignoring it.

But to not contact your daughter on New Years having ignored her for the last few days is quite a new level I think! She messages me every evening and always replies to my pictures etc, so it's not as if she's just not had time to talk to me or whatever - my dad and I go days without talking and that's just normal, but she is definitely ignoring me, does that make any sense at all?

Will look up the grey rock treatment too, thank you!

So with grey rock method - would you contact the person at all? Or wait for them to come to you and just show no emotion?

Very tricky as she is my mum and when she's not ignoring me we have a very 'close' relationship.. so would you be your normal self but if any of the passive aggressive or guilt trip behaviour starts you just go grey rock?

My guess is that if you stopped relying on her for childcare she would feel alarmed and will be casting around for something else that gives her some leverage, something to give her power and control

the close relationship, these are the times when she showers you with affection and makes you feel good, then she makes you feel bad when she ignores you, then she's nice to you and she makes you feel good again.
she enjoys the power and control that she has over you and because she enjoys that she rewards you with the good times
this is a big subject and I am just speculating based on what you have said in the thread
I have found HD Tudors YouTube channel knowing the narcissist helpful for understanding the dynamics of these types of behaviours, there's a lot of other material out there too.

I suspect that if she stopped relying on her for childcare she would ramp up the good times, the times when you feel close to her and would make it so that you rely on her more for your general emotional well-being
I realise I'm painting a picture of someone who is quite dangerous and toxic and I don't know if that's really the case with your mum

@Wordthe I actually never put my mum down as a narcissist, would this be narcissistic behaviour? I'd never thought of it like that - I guess I had blinkers on.

She never showers me with affection but we do have funny times together and she does help me out a lot but it's thrown back in my face at one time or another, so it's just biding my time.

I have had the weekly arrangement with her since the summer, I've now made alternative arrangements for that so won't be relying, but there may be some times that I will need her. Luckily my best friend is my rock in these situations and my husband has family who can help as well if I'm in dire need!

But I am panicking slightly about if and when she'll eventually contact me and think what if she never speaks to me again! My dad said she won't do that, but the thought is still on my mind. And also what if something happens to her while we're not talking, but I just need to keep telling myself it's not my fault!

Your dad sounds like a sensible steady type of person he probably knows pretty well what she's likely to do?
I have adult children and I would not like to think of them worrying about me in the way that you have anxiety connected to your mum, with my children I generally try to send the message that they have my unconditional positive regard.
She sounds like a person who's very fun but at the same time is irresponsible and unreliable?
If that is the case then I think it's counterproductive to have your sense of emotional security connected to someone who's all over the place like that.

What you describe does seem generally in line with narcissistic traits or narcissistic behaviour