Mum ignoring me again

[chickaletta2020]

My mum was going to have my daughters yesterday while my partner and I went out for a meal that we'd booked, I asked her if she'd rather I asked my partners sister instead as she said her shoulder was hurting, she said she'd be fine. Then an hour before she was due to arrive she got her boyfriend to text me to say she wasn't well and wasn't coming (often says she's not well but then goes out for coffee), luckily my partners sister was still free and had them for me so no harm done.

Over the last few months she's been having my children once a week while I work for a couple of hours until my partner gets in from work. It's been quite stressful for me to get dinner prepared and served and then get my daughters in from school and rush out to work, so I rang last night to say I'd been thinking about it and for the new year I'd change my hours to start once my husband gets in. She said I'm a liar and it's obviously because she let me down yesterday, I'm not lying, I obviously timed it wrong in telling her that but I didn't think it through in that way.

Anyway she's now ignored me since, even though I've sent her various messages that she'd usually reply to. To put it into context she is so easily offended and has ignored me for weeks on end before, once because I asked her not to give my children sweets before dinner, so I'm not surprised, I'm just so bored of the emotional drama. Prepared to hear that I'm in the wrong!

OP.

I have a manipulative mother who has got a lot worse since I had my DC. She originally asked to provide childcare, saying that it would be a favour to her because the money I would paid her would enable her to retire. This has since escalated into her current attitude, which is that only she is allowed to provide childcare for my DC, that she has saved my DC because any other childcare provider than my mother would damage her for ever, plus outbursts of rage whenever I've tentatively suggested mixing things up with a day's nursery or childminder. She has made up lies to support her position, e.g. saying that my close friends' kids are left in their own shit at nursery or that I told her my friend's child was beaten by his childcare provider (she has no means of knowing the former and the latter is an outright lie). I said I was thinking of moving in the long-term to a bigger town in the close vicinity because kids get bored and into trouble in our village, she raged at me, called me selfish and cruel and said I shouldn't be a mother, emotionally blackmailed me by saying she could be dead soon... I'm honestly trapped somewhere I don't want to be and I hardly ever get to see my friends or got to work functions because I have to grovel to get her to babysit for a night out and I'd be in the worst shit ever if I hired a sitter and she found out. She invites my father, with whom I have a wary relationship because he was an abusive dad, over all the time and they make decisions about my DC behind my back.

I know I sound pathetic but I can't seem to get perspective on things!

Um your perspective, which is that it's a shit situation, is quite accurate notcrying

@Notcrying, you are not pathetic, you've been trained from birth to dance to your mother's tune
you didnt stand a chance you poor love

you can escape now though

she is working hard to get you locked down so that you'll be at their mercy for ever

divorce your bastarding parents

@Notcryingintheloos
For everyone's sake, book your DC into a nursery as soon as you can.

The initial grief will be worth it. What's the worst she can do?

And this: She invites my father, with whom I have a wary relationship because he was an abusive dad, over all the time and they make decisions about my DC behind my back is vety worrying. You need to protect them from him

OP, have you heard the classic MN saying about not fighting with a pig? You both will get muddy but the pig enjoys it. Play it cool! You say you worry if something happens to her but does she worry if something would happen to you or your DC? No, she sits there wallowing in bloody self pity and will only have concern for herself.

Have you seen cycle of abuse diagram? If not, google it please. I know you might think word abuse is too much but please look it up.

Also, please remember even if you feel guilty, it doesn’t mean you ARE guilty.

@SeaEagleFeather no she probably wouldn't be able to justify her behaviour but I think she'd say that I was playing games, as it would be a total personality change. And she'd probably keep on until I snapped 🙄 I've never really been accused of lying much, I hate being lied to though

@Notcryingintheloos 😱 is your child's father involved? If so what does he say? If you broke with arrangement with your parents would you be able to find alternative arrangements or do you really rely on them? It sounds like a horrific relationship of abuse, please get out if you can! Were they abusive when you were a child? Making decisions about your child???? Uh, no!!!! Only you can do that!

@Helipad googling now!! Thank you. Haven't seen the pig analogy but it does make sense. I just keep having a niggling feeling that actually my mum does care about me and surely isn't 'enjoying' it, but meh...!

Chickaletta I'm sure she does care about you but it is more important for her to be in the right and have power. I know it is ridiculous as I can't see myself ever to be like that to my DC.

If someone had said six years ago that my mum is abusive, I would have been incredulous and rolled my eyes. To me abusive meant being locked in the cellar and fed scraps or that the parents were alcoholic and beating me up. But under two years later, one day they went too far and it finally opened up my eyes to see what and who they actually are. At first I felt awfully guilty too but it passed. And the therapist pointed out to me that my DM is just as capable to contact me too. If she wants to build bridges. It helped me to realise that our relationship isn't just my responsibility. I also realised that she's like a broken dish, no matter how much I pour in, it'll never be enough. No matter what I do, something will eventually piss her off and I'll be blamed for being selfish, horrible and so on.

I am now NC and whilst it suits me, I don't necessarily mean you'll have to do it too, just be aware of the pattern and disengage from her antics.

@Helipad do you mind me asking what kind of behaviour your mum used to display towards you? Is it similar to what I've described with my mum? I don't think I'd want to or could go non contact - did you tell her you were doing this? Have you literally not seen or heard from her since? It is so true that it is not our responsibility to maintain any relationships with anyone, apart from that of my children who are young and defenceless, but I do feel it my responsibility and with all of my friends I do think oh I haven't seen them for a while I must text them, but when would they bother texting me? Arghhh I can be such a walk over!!!!

But would you text your friends if they treated you like your mother does @chickaletta ?

@Wordthe no I wouldn't be friends with them any make 😂 but I do make the effort with people who clearly couldn't care less about me. I have got better but definitely a walk over!

She's finally been in touch!!! As if nothing has happened...! I make that 6 weeks!

What has she said?

She just asked how the children were, I have replied yet as I don't really know how to play it!

Reply in 6 weeks!

@LightDrizzle 😂 great plan!!