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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that having children turns your life into a long series of things you don’t want to do?

221 replies

Cheekysquirrel · 31/12/2018 09:12

Does anyone else find this? I spend my life basically doing things I don’t want to do but obviously I do them for my children’s sake.
I don’t want to watch ds play rugby / football in the cold / rain while trying to entertain a bored dd.
I don’t want to take dd to boring toddler / preschool parties.
I don’t want to go to soft play.
I don’t want to troop them to swimming lessons and have the hassle of getting them ready before / after.
I really really don’t want to go to any more adventure farms
I don’t want to do boring trails around places like national trust properties

Argh. I am a terrible selfish parent clearly but I am so BORED. Today I’m taking them to some children’s museum. Ds(9) is moaning already because he will have to be removed from his iPad which he had for Christmas. They will fight while we are out. So it’s not even like they are grateful / enjoy it themselves!
I would love to be able to go to the shops and have a look and get some lunch, on my own.

Aibu? Is parenting just always this dull?

OP posts:
Kemer2018 · 31/12/2018 11:52

Yanbu. I find most kid friendly stuff noisy, repetitive, crowded, overpriced and achingly boring.
But I'm not nt so I'm a large part of the problem.
As an aside, I'd advise against having kids if you're NOT NT.
I missed my space and peace. Even now she's older is hard in different way. We don't have much in common and she prefers time with her mates.
I'm the facilitator, that's it.

Original poster
Cheekysquirrel · 31/12/2018 11:53

At NT we don’t go in the houses. We just go round the grounds / on the play area. I wouldn’t even attempt the houses!

OP posts:
Orchiddingme · 31/12/2018 11:56

Cheeky could your partner take them? Or get a friend to take your dd? My dd's a bit older but her friends parents are amazing. They know we find it hard to get out these days for various reasons so they take her on trips out. Perhaps letting people know you are struggling a bit, and looking for a companion/bit of help for your 3 year old will be the way to go going forward, definitely as she gets older.

I think part of the issue is letting go of the 'ideal happy family' thing where you feel everyone else's family isn't moaning and groaning and kicking each other in the park but having jolly fun exhilarating walks together. I was made to go on these 'fun' walks as a child and it has left me with a complete disinterest in walking or the countryside!

BillywilliamV · 31/12/2018 11:56

I long for agood old day out, my teen DDs wont go anywhere except shopping now.

formerbabe · 31/12/2018 11:57

Not sure if it's a MN thing or a British thing generally, but for example nobody would frown in my home country if you left a 7 yo at home whilst you nipped to shop. In fact, my mum asked why I don't go without DS to pharmacy fairly recently and I had to explain it would be frowned upon! It just makes life harder than it should be sometimes

That's true.

My dc are 8 and 10....I've never left them alone in the house. School holidays mean I am never without them...summer holidays, for 6 weeks, I don't pop to the shops without them or do anything by myself...I'm looking forward to them getting a bit older then in the holidays, I'll be able to go to the gym/bank/post office/shops by myself.

Hubanmao · 31/12/2018 11:57

Cheekysquirrel having a child with any kind of additional need makes things harder, and in your case you have the added difficulty of a fairly large age gap. A 9 year old and toddler have little in common and shared activities would be quite limited regardless of the ASD, so I can understand why it all feels relentless at times.

One thing I’m very glad we did was have our 3 children within 4 years (though boy was it hard at times and our childcare bills were eye watering!) But it did mean that we moved through each phase as a family and there wasn’t the added pressure of getting through the toddler/ playgroup years and then having to re live it several years down the line. I think that must feel really relentless- to have moved onto the next stage and then have to go back into baby/ toddler mode again

BillywilliamV · 31/12/2018 11:57

Those National Trust days were some of the happiest days of my life.

Abouttomakeanerror · 31/12/2018 12:00

It seems just like one meal after another
Oh @HamiltonCork absolutely this
I'm so bored of having to feed them

They fight all the time, but love each other dearly
They have had a huge detrimental impact on my career
I love them to death, but...

MintyCedric · 31/12/2018 12:01

I guess I'm very lucky that even from a young age DD and I have been quite similar so going out for lunch, seeing friends, day trips to London, theatre, cinema, galleries and museums have worked for both of us.

That said the years of relentless birthday parties every weekend are long behind me.
My most hated thing was going to the park...with an only child it's an absolute pita.

She's now 14 and developing a great social life of her own, and I miss my little buddy a bit tbh.

MsTSwift · 31/12/2018 12:01

Why can’t you leave 8 and 10?

Lifeofsmiley · 31/12/2018 12:04

Same here billy , even then they are embarrassed to be seen with you.

MrsMaker88 · 31/12/2018 12:05

A friend of mine with four kids (with age gap) says she works a lot for her sanity as she doesn’t want to do the stuff u mention anymore.

Why can’t DS stay in and play iPad for a day and DD have a friend to play / go to a friend..? Do crafts or homework (on their own) or watch TV.. Mine are knackered, they need to rest before going back to school. I think you are over scheduling.

formerbabe · 31/12/2018 12:05

Why can’t you leave 8 and 10?

I think 8 is far too young.

10 is probably a good age but my ds told me he doesn't want to be left alone in the house yet and that's fine by me. I'd have my youngest with me anyway.

HexagonalBattenburg · 31/12/2018 12:06

To whoever's off to the roller disco - it is utter, total comedy gold. DD1 had one at her Beavers the other week and it was hilarious - there were about 50% of them on their arses at any one time and they all apparently (I didn't check - it's from chatting to other parents!) had bright red arses when they got home from landing on their backsides so much! DD1, who can be a bit of a drip who is usually more in love with the idea of doing anything adventurous than the actual reality of it - had a whale of a time... although her version of events has her gliding around with the kind of grace and style you'd expect from Torvill and Dean doing the Bolero whereas the video footage from the leaders is more like something when Mr Blobby was on a rampage knocking people all over the place!

It's a grind doing the taxi runs and the endless changing them into dancing gear, swimming kit, Beaver uniforms etc - but I absolutely love this age and Christmas has been totally fantastic this year as mine are really at peak Santa age... can totally stick the toddler group circuit of mummy clique politics though - that bit was really boring and crap - but now they're infant school age, with that bit of sense of humour about them (DD2 comes out with some absolute howlers) it's fab.

Mine are away with grandparents at the moment though for the New Year and although I'm missing them dreadfully - I am very very grateful for the break though.

I grow more and more grateful for the tiny age gap mine have as they get older though (there's under 11 months between them) - at the moment it means they have a very similar range of interests so we're not stuck dragging a stroppy pre-teen to Peppa Pig or whatever. I may well regret that statement when I've got two teenage girls and a steady line of teenage boys coming to the door though!

MsTSwift · 31/12/2018 12:10

Happily left my two at that age. They need abit of independence. Older Dd a summer born so was walking 2 miles a day to school with friends from just 11 so needed to loosen the apron strings from 10 ish. Who wants to drag kids around on errands?

messyhousetidymind · 31/12/2018 12:25

I saw it as a very complicated catering project. It seems just like one meal after another

This GrinGrinGrin

Kahlua4me · 31/12/2018 12:28

I actually loved doing all that stuff with my dc when they were little, dh hated most of it but came as it is family thing and good for us all!

However it reaps it’s rewards eventually once they are older as you can then do trips with them that you all enjoy and occasionally ones that you want to do that they may not but will do as it’s organised. Mine are teenagers now and great fun to be around.

PierreBezukov · 31/12/2018 12:32

You don't have to do all that stuff. I've never taken them to soft play as I hate it (DH has occasionally) and the school takes them to the open farm so we don't have to. Ours are 8 and 5 and we are about to head out on a beach walk, perhaps followed by cafe and play park.

Music and swimming lessons are an investment for later years which we will all benefit from - in fact we already are: holidays are better as we can swim together etc.

museumum · 31/12/2018 12:33

I love walks at NT places. And we took ds for a long walk Christmas Eve then stopped in a pub for mulled wine - very nice.
I don’t enjoy watching ds’s ski lessons but it’ll be worth it when we can ski together.
Our big “day out” this holiday will be to a science centre which I hope he’ll like as I bloody live them 😁

Original poster
Cheekysquirrel · 31/12/2018 14:10

Dh is always too busy to come with us so it’s just me and the kids 😬
We are out today and so far it’s been ok.
I’d rather be doing something else though!

OP posts:
CheshireChat · 31/12/2018 14:59

Cheekysquirrel is he genuinely too busy or is he too 'busy' to do kiddy activities?

DP occasionally tries the latter and is swiftly put right.

Original poster
Cheekysquirrel · 31/12/2018 15:01

I think mainly he doesn’t want to? It’s not unknown on the odd occasion we do go out together for him to go off in a sulk and go and sit in the car.

OP posts:
MsTSwift · 31/12/2018 15:05

He needs to watch that if he wants a proper relationship with his kids. Dh very careful about being left out as he is there less in the week it’s so so important to him to really be a part of what we do at the weekends. By 12 ish they are off with their friends and it’s too late. Too busy? With what? What could possibly be more important?

CheshireChat · 31/12/2018 15:37

I think he needs to take them out on his own then!

He sounds like he needs the practice.

Slothslothsloth · 31/12/2018 16:10

Well OP it’s not like you want to do it either! So make him pull his weight. Sounds like you really need him to.

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