To think that having children turns your life into a long series of things you don’t want to do?

[Cheekysquirrel]

Does anyone else find this? I spend my life basically doing things I don’t want to do but obviously I do them for my children’s sake.
I don’t want to watch ds play rugby / football in the cold / rain while trying to entertain a bored dd.
I don’t want to take dd to boring toddler / preschool parties.
I don’t want to go to soft play.
I don’t want to troop them to swimming lessons and have the hassle of getting them ready before / after.
I really really don’t want to go to any more adventure farms
I don’t want to do boring trails around places like national trust properties

Argh. I am a terrible selfish parent clearly but I am so BORED. Today I’m taking them to some children’s museum. Ds(9) is moaning already because he will have to be removed from his iPad which he had for Christmas. They will fight while we are out. So it’s not even like they are grateful / enjoy it themselves!
I would love to be able to go to the shops and have a look and get some lunch, on my own.

Aibu? Is parenting just always this dull?

I love it - but then may be I'm just a big kid. Love all the prompts to get out and about and enjoy things. Are you may be going to the wrong activities if no-one is enjoying it?

That's how I feel. I'm going to a NYE party at a roller-disco this afternoon. A roller-disco!!!! I've waited all my life to go to a roller-disco and I couldn't go without a child.

Excellent post anotherpidgey.

It’s so true that the pressure to be endlessly entertaining your kids, or doing ‘worthwhile’ activities with them is a very recent phenomenon. As a child I used to play out with my siblings and the neighbourhood kids all day. We had far fewer actual toys and games and of course no screens, apart from very limited (black and white) tv for just a few children’s programmes.

There’s huge pressure now to have to be doing stuff with or for our children. My kids are grown up now, and thankfully I had them before the whole screens and social media world emerged which I think creates a massive weight of expectation/ guilt. There were toddler play groups but nothing like on the scale there is now, what with baby signing classes, baby massage, rhyme time, tumble tots etc etc - I’m actually really glad I was of the last generation before this mushroomed because I think there’s a massive pressure now to ‘perform’ to some level of expectation as a parent

YANBU. I had a moment recently while queuing outside in the rain to get into 5yo DD's school Christmas Fete whilst trying to calm a screaming newborn where I thought "Really? This is my life now? Freezing my tits off for the chance to guess how many smarties are in the jar, make awkward small talk with people I have nothing in common with other than the ages of our children and if I'm really lucky win back the hastily purchased bottle of wine I donated to the raffle. It was fucking tedious and in that moment I really didn't want to be there but that doesn't mean I don't love my kids.

Obviously you can't avoid all the boring bits of parenting but I do think it's ok to avoid the things you really hate doing where possible. For example, I realised early on that I loathe soft play with a passion so we just don't go (unless it's for a birthday party) and I don't believe the DC will suffer any great hardship as a result. I also hate swimming but DH enjoys it so he takes DD while I catch up on jobs. I didn't enjoy taking DD to baby groups but forced myself to go to baby massage, baby sensory, story time etc. because I thought I was "supposed to". I have a 10wk old now, haven't been to any groups and don't plan to. There are things we all enjoy like the cinema, going NT properties, children's museums/galleries, walking in the woods but we don't necessarily do those things every weekend. I think it's important that DC know how to occupy themselves too. This morning for example, DH is poorly and I'm exhausted from being up with the baby so DD has spent the morning colouring and playing with her toys by herself and seems to be having a genuinely nice time.

“If it makes our DC happy then we just have to brush ourselves down and get onto the next activity with a smile”.

No, within reason, we don’t. Parents’ preferences and wellbeing matter too.

bikerunski 30 mins a week seems virtually no time.

Your children are at a difficult age for pleasing themselves, the 3 year old is too young and with an older one with ASD, he's probably not involving her in his play which another child might have done, so you aren't quite getting to the independent play/sit and read the paper for 30 min state as quickly as other people.

I have always been a bit selfish as well as being very giving to the children. I always did swimming, ballet if they wanted it, but not that many more activities. I prefer pottering at home, so I sent my husband out on adventures to play-parks and expensive theme parks with both the children, which they all loved doing. We didn't do everything together all the time, and he was definitely more 'fun Dad' which I encouraged. I got them to school on time with clean clothes and things signed. I couldn't then be a constant entertainer the rest of the time. I know it's hard, but even just having a nice coffee/tea when they are playing, calling a friend whilst keeping an eye on them, having a rest when they rest, reading books at soft play, having a few hours off when a friend/DH takes them out of the house- all these just gave me enough space to not feel totally overwhelmed by mothering.

It is hard, though. I think it will be easier for you as time goes by- once the littlest is a bit older, you can take along a friend/have a friend over for her, and both children will be more occupied.

DD is 14 and has enjoyed getting her (very extensive) dolls house collection out over the holidays. She relaxes into the imaginary worlds it has always afforded her. She also spends a lot of time drawing and painting, and playing the piano. None of those home based activities would be possible had she not received significant resources in her childhood to develop those creative activities.

I am with you on the soft play which I rarely did, choosing instead to find more outdoor activities. Now, standing around freezing at football matches I detested, always hated football and never have grown to love it. They both used to participate in cross country running and I used to really enjoy that although there was equally a lot of time hanging around in the cold. I miss most things now they are grown up, apart from the football of course.

I'd say yabu to some extent, as your children didn't ask to be brought into this world, and you kind of know what you're getting yourself into when you decide to have kids. BUT on the other hand, yanbu as nothing can truly prepare you for what it will actually be like, and I think every parent has days where they find it mundane and need a break. It also must be tough having a child with additional needs, as thats definelty not something you can prepare for, and have any idea what challenges it will bring. Do you have a partner? Do you get any time to yourself? Be it work? A hobby? some regular weekly space away from your children to do something adult. Is your youngest in any sort of childcare that gives you a few hours to yourself? mine are 4 and 22 months, and youngest will start preschool one day a week when oldest starts school in September. I'm very much looking forward to having a few hours to just get on top of the housework uninterrupted and occasionally do things like meet a friend for coffee with no distractions etc. I must admit, I enjoy my children's company 99% of the time, and get sad about the fact they're growing so quickly. I'd bottle the ages they are now and keep them like this forever if I could. They're at the age where they love eachothers company, which makes life much easier, and I work part time (2 days a week) and miss them terribly, but during my maternity leave I did get bored as I didn't have that regular break I need to recharge and be grateful for them. Also the holidays are going to seem harder as it is more constant and the pressure of needing to do all these "fun activities" is even greater. Have some easier days at home, put on a film, make a treasure hunt with chocolate coins (would take 10 mins to set up and keep them busy all afternoon) cover the table with a pvc cloth, put them in old clothes and let them paint, glitter, craft etc. and while they're doing that take some time to yourself. x

I agree Loopy.
I recently debated with a group of online mums (not mn) about my son’s new found interest in football. He wanted to join the football club and I vetoed it owing to the weekend commitment element. I was called selfish and told that giving up your weekends to sport is part and parcel of having kids. We argued back and forth. ‘Kids always come first’ versus ‘parents matter as well’

He already does activities in the week and dh and I prefer to keep weekends free for our own interest, which our son shares. Ds2 accepted the no graciously and I was glad to have seen the notion off.

Sometimes it’s ok to be ‘selfish’ imo.

Posts like this make me seriously reconsider whether I actually want kids. I know people say the good bits make up for it, but is it genuinely worth it? If you had your time again would you still choose kids?

It’s so weird because on paper, having kids seems like a really bad idea.

But, despite everything on this thread being true about the boredom, drudgery, groundhog days of music, sport, swimming lessons, school runs, having to pretend to give a shit about Minecraft... despite all that, you cannot help being utterly in love with your children. Even after the most frustrating, boring, shit days, after you’ve counted down each second until bedtime and they’re finally asleep, you go in to check on them and find yourself watching them sleeping and a bit of you kind of wants to wake them up again just to give them an extra cuddle.

That’s what’s such a headfuck about parenting. Almost everything about it is a bit shit, except for the actual children themselves, whom you would rather die than ever be without.

Go figure.

I love taking my kids to new places, and I love watching them play sports. I don't have social media and I don't feel any pressure to do anything, I just take them out most weekends because staying at home is boring!

I’m glad it isn’t just me!

Definitely my age gap and the asd makes it harder. I can’t leave my children alone together and ds is so ridiculously competitive that he will shove his sister out the way to win something and makes absolutely no allowances for her. He winds her up all the time and carries her round when she doesn’t want to be picked up. If I leave them she’s usually shouting for me within a couple of minutes.

YANBU, and this is exactly why I don't want children. I have better things to do with my life.

My friend has 3 small children and she is constantly asking me 'Do you want to go with us to X adventure farm/soft play/football practice/etc?' Me: 'Er, would love to but I have something else FAR less boring to do. Sorry!'
I think she only asks me because she's bored and wants me to tag along to keep her company sane.

These are the things I’m looking forward to when I have children

I quite enjoy kids’ days out, and don’t mind the activities as long as they aren’t every day. It’s the daily school run I can’t stand. And the endless school related admin. And the endless clearing through anon crap when you don’t remember being responsible for purchasing any of it.

But, YANBU. A day off to wander around the shops/sit and have a coffee/faff around my house is my main goal in life now.

Personally, it's not that I don't want to do stuff but don't get the time to do stuff I do want to do too.

DS is 2.5 and will be an only thanks to a traumatic birth, PND, him being a rather shit sleeper and possibly getting an asd diagnoses. I've realised too late that my need for alone time, sleep and the importance of my physical and mental health means that I should have remained childfree, which also adds a nice layer of guilt onto everything else.

Everyone round me is having second babies and I feel so inadequate that I cant/won't do it all again but I need to be the best wife, mother and version of myself I can be. I feel like I've lost so much of myself.

My DS makes my heart want to burst when I look at him, see him doing new things for the first time, I adore him, but there is a part of me that doesn't like what becoming a mother has done to me and my marriage.

But, despite everything on this thread being true about the boredom, drudgery, groundhog days of music, sport, swimming lessons, school runs, having to pretend to give a shit about Minecraft... despite all that, you cannot help being utterly in love with your children

This, a million times over.

I now have a 16 year old and I am so proud of the fella he's become. He is such great company, bloody hilarious, and practically zero work (outside of laundry and cooking, mind you).

It gets so much easier.

DS is 2.5 and will be an only thanks to a traumatic birth, PND, him being a rather shit sleeper and possibly getting an asd diagnoses. I've realised too late that my need for alone time, sleep and the importance of my physical and mental health means that I should have remained childfree, which also adds a nice layer of guilt onto everything else.

I don't want to minimise what you've said, which I imagine must have been hard to type out, but I'd like to say that I think that the way that you feel is more normal than you expect and it will get better.

So, you don’t want to go to the museum and your dc don’t want to go to the museum? Why are you going? Go for a walk somewhere to give them a run out and go home and let them just be. If you ask them to play independently, will they do that? It might be time to try and train them to do that, I think it’s the best thing I taught my dc (and that isn’t me being smug, but I think it’s really important for the whole family that everyone can entertain themselves for a while).
I don’t like soft play, so we very rarely go and you can probably count on one hand the amount of national trust property trails I’ve done. But we’ve baked a lot of cakes and spent a lot of time in the garden. Pick what you like doing and get the kids enjoying that with you. I always think it doesn’t matter what you teach your children, as long as you teach them something, so if you like gardening, teach them about that. If you like diy, get them involved in your projects. Don’t suffer activities that you think you should be doing if no one actually likes doing them.

So, you don’t want to go to the museum and your dc don’t want to go to the museum?

This.

Do you have a husband/partner who could take on some of this stuff?

You would really benefit from dividing up the children, who aren't really playing together anyway. So, one parent takes son to rugby, other stays home. Younger child goes to soft play, you have cuppa when there, older child stays and plays with toys at home. Or has a film on and you get to put your feet up.

I'd also try to make sure what you are doing appeals to at least one child. If your son with ASD loves trains- then go to a train museum. If your dd loves the swings, go to the park. Don't go round NT properties unless it's interesting for at least one person!

I think doing everything altogether can be a recipe for disaster if the children don't have a great interaction, as every day out is just a battle around that. We used to say 'divide and conquer'. You can always all then snuggle up and watch a movie together at home a bit later.

These are the things I’m looking forward to when I have children

I think the difference is that once you have them it stops being a choice. Pre-kids, the idea of watching my hypothetical 4yo twirling around doing ballet with a bunch of otherI4yo's sounded adorable. Don't get me wrong, sometimes it really is adorable. But there are some mornings, when you've slept badly, you have a pounding headache and you're stressed out because it's taken forever to get out of the house because your DC seem incapable of following simple instructions and you've dutifully taken them to ballet every Saturday morning for the last eight weeks. On those mornings you'd give your right arm to be able to just say "fuck it" and not go and I think it's knowing you don't have that option (because your life isn't really your own anymore and it won't be for some years yet) rather than the ballet class itself, that makes you feel a bit trapped.

Mine last about five minutes at the playground before ds is bored. He wants to play football and he wants me to play but it’s impossible while trying to watch dd too and he won’t let her play. Or if he does he’s mean and kicks the ball at her or won’t let her even touch it. Then she picks it up and runs off with it and the whole thing ends badly.

Not sure if it's a MN thing or a British thing generally, but for example nobody would frown in my home country if you left a 7 yo at home whilst you nipped to shop. In fact, my mum asked why I don't go without DS to pharmacy fairly recently and I had to explain it would be frowned upon! It just makes life harder than it should be sometimes.

It's also bloody hard to make friends and acquaintances, going to park/soft play is a lot more fun if you have a grown up for company (though this seems to be a regional thing as well). Doesn't mean you have to become BFF afterwards either.

Also, this is passed down to kids who really don't mingle a lot on playgrounds where I am which is bloody sad and it means you have to become their constant playmate.