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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that having children turns your life into a long series of things you don’t want to do?

221 replies

Cheekysquirrel · 31/12/2018 09:12

Does anyone else find this? I spend my life basically doing things I don’t want to do but obviously I do them for my children’s sake.
I don’t want to watch ds play rugby / football in the cold / rain while trying to entertain a bored dd.
I don’t want to take dd to boring toddler / preschool parties.
I don’t want to go to soft play.
I don’t want to troop them to swimming lessons and have the hassle of getting them ready before / after.
I really really don’t want to go to any more adventure farms
I don’t want to do boring trails around places like national trust properties

Argh. I am a terrible selfish parent clearly but I am so BORED. Today I’m taking them to some children’s museum. Ds(9) is moaning already because he will have to be removed from his iPad which he had for Christmas. They will fight while we are out. So it’s not even like they are grateful / enjoy it themselves!
I would love to be able to go to the shops and have a look and get some lunch, on my own.

Aibu? Is parenting just always this dull?

OP posts:
hazeyjane · 31/12/2018 09:27

With ds it seems to be a series of appointments I don't want to go to, phone calls I don't want to make, forms I don't want to fill in and meetings I don't want to be at. At the moment it is feeling sick worrying about a hospital admission for an endoscopy at the end of the week.

Id quite like a bit of dull!

Auntiepatricia · 31/12/2018 09:28

*But did you not expect this?

I know everyone’s entitled to a moan but they aren’t compulsory!*

There’s always one😂

Original poster
Cheekysquirrel · 31/12/2018 09:28

Dd won’t go in soft play on her own, even though she’s 3. Well she will for a bit but then she wants someone to play with and comes and stands by me and cries until I give in.
Ds has ASD and basically has no friends so we don’t have play dates. He isn’t bothered in the least at having no friends and he has had children try and befriend him but he’s just not bothered. He loves to play sport and joins in no problem but he seems to really struggle with having children with him 1:1. The odd Playdate we’ve had he’s just one off to do something else and I’ve been left with the child we’ve invited over! He’s not unpopular according to school, always has a partner etc but he hasn’t got any actual friends. This means it falls on me perhaps more than it would on other parents with children my son’s age. There was another parent I was alternating with to take ds and their ds to sports thing but my ds now won’t go with their ds so that’s kind of petered out.

OP posts:
PierreBezukov · 31/12/2018 09:29

There are mundane moments of course, but they lead to joyful times later on. For example my mum ferried me and my siblings to swimming lessons (though they were on a Friday evening and we got fish and chips afterwards Smile) and music lessons. Today mum and my sister and I love wild swimming together and we play music together in a string quartet. We have great fun doing these things and they wouldn't happen if mum hadn't put in the time and effort years ago.

We drag our kids to museums and parks and they can moan and complain a bit, but I think we are fostering an appreciation of culture and history that will pay off in later years. Perhaps we will do these things together as adults.

continuallychargingmyphone · 31/12/2018 09:29

Probably pat but I genuinely don’t ‘get it’

Sorry

ANiceLentilHotpot · 31/12/2018 09:30

OP I've been thinking exactly the same recently, although I realised my whole life seems to have become a series of things I don't want to do, not just the things with DCs!

Going to work, going to the panto, watching swimming lessons, visiting in-laws, watching children perform 'shows', argh!

Do you have a partner or family who can look after the DCs for a while so you can do something you want to do?

I've started running which I enjoy, and that's the thing I do for me while DH is with the kids. Just half an hour or so three times a week but it seems to make the other things then seem a bit more bearable. Also I've started just putting things on the telly that I want to watch. If anyone moans they can go and play in another room. Grin

continuallychargingmyphone · 31/12/2018 09:30

Well, ASD can be difficult to manage so I do get that Flowers

AnyFucker · 31/12/2018 09:32

Completely agree

Mine are grown now and I don't miss it one little bit

Bring on the (so-called) empty nest. We just have to get them to leave now.

Cannethink · 31/12/2018 09:34

I totally get what you're saying but for different reasons. I have 3DC, the youngest of which has severe SN. I could really cry sometimes as the older two are now at an age where I could be doing so much with them which we'd all enjoy but we can't because of DC3's complex needs and behaviour. So they do (some) of the things I dreamt of doing with them when they got to this age. But without me. Because I never get a break from DC3. Its shit but I HAVE to count my blessings to stop me going mad which include that at least they can do things with their lives even if I can't.

Cannethink · 31/12/2018 09:35

knowing that at least they can do things with their lives even if I can't.

Lweji · 31/12/2018 09:35

You really don't have to take them to museums or national trust houses.
It is your choice. And it's even worse because they don't want either. Grin

Stick to things that they really want and to things that you do want. At least there will be some balance.

For example, if I take DS to the NHM it's because I get excited about it. Not because I think we should go.

What about their dad?

CrookedMe · 31/12/2018 09:37

Last night I played Barbies. This morning I am being asked to play chess and all I want to do is eat breakfast in silence while I mess about online. It's not only the chauffering and trips that are boring.

BarbarianMum · 31/12/2018 09:37

Not been my experience at all. I've been introduced to so many good things that I'd never have tried through having kids. I was a total workaholic married to a workaholic before they arrived. Only thing I miss is eating out once a week.

2019rubberband · 31/12/2018 09:38

For me, the worst thing is that from the moment DD was born I lost the ability to think freely. I could no longer do anything without considering how is would impact on others. You can't just go out or make arrangements to meet up with friends etc without first thinking through what you will do with these small people. Every single thing you do day to day is considered.

ANiceLentilHotpot · 31/12/2018 09:39

I've just seen your update about your child having ASD, that must make it doubly hard. My DCs don't, but they aren't particularly sociable, they have one close friend each but will always refuse if invited to anyone else's house to play, so I understand that frustration with feeling as though you have to do everything with them. It must be a lot easier for people who have children who are happy to socialise with other children more.

AFOLNerd · 31/12/2018 09:40

YANBU I have 4 and I adore them all but 5 mins to myself would be lovely.
dh has taken the 2 little ones to stay with his mum for a few days, I couldn’t go because I have to work tomorrow. I’m left with the 12 and 14 year olds. Fine great easy few days and I can have a lie in this morning.
Nope 12 year old wandered in at 7am for a chat because “you are always up at this time!” Arghh it was my first chance for a proper lie in without the little ones banging about in about 4 years!

Girlicorne · 31/12/2018 09:40

I love all that stuff, especially farms and national trust trails. I find grown up stuff like shopping and spa days really dull but my childhood was shit and we never went anywhere so I think I m reliving a much better one through my own kids!! The only thing I don't like is watching DS play football but DH tends to watch and me and DD disappear to Costa. You are pretty cool to do all that stuff despite not enjoying it though I know loads of people that don't bother!!

Auntiepatricia · 31/12/2018 09:40

The sheer relief (and plenty of pride) when you hear a little one taking themselves to the toilet at night and back to bed with no fuss or realise another one has done their shoes themselves. You’d have to be really really placid/on drugs not to hate needing to put shoes on 5 people to leave the house, 4 of them angry and wriggling.

Nobody can explain the drudgerythat comes with the joy of children. It’s ceryvery hard to look after many people suddenly, all with higher needs than yourself and all deeply unreasonable often many times a day.

But we do it because that’s not what it’s all for but yes OP recently I feel a bit sad that probably 10 full years of my life will have been very very hard and relentless. But I do know they are worth giving my 10 yrs to.

FortunesFave · 31/12/2018 09:41

I never took mine to adventure farms (whatever they are) or to swimming lessons. Or National Trust properties.

Dh taught ours to swim by taking them to our local pool every week.

I wouldn't and won't do what's "expected" by marketing people.

Mine are 14 and 10 and fine.

Obviously I took them to parties and hated it. But National Trust properties? No. Those are for DH and I when we're alone.

Days out with our kids was beach, woods, cafe for cake and hot chocolate.

Hubanmao · 31/12/2018 09:42

When you break it down into a series of tasks, then absolutely! Who in their right mind would choose to change endless nappies, watch the same cartoon on a loop, sit in the hell aka soft play or go to mother and baby groups?

But Being a parent is so much more than the sum of those tasks, and it’s that unconditional love that outweighs all the mundane bits

AlaskanOilBaron · 31/12/2018 09:42

I agree, but mine are now 13 and 16 and while I know that I wouldn't want to go back to Gambado, for example (shudder), I do miss that time in my life terribly.

I'm sure having a child with ASD makes it much tougher.

I feel enormous empathy for anyone dealing with the tedium of small children. It's fucking hard. Flowers

Rumboogie · 31/12/2018 09:42

Don't get this. I loved doing these things with my children - a second, lovely, exciting childhood for me as well as interesting, entertaining and educational for them. I miss it now they are grown up. Why have children if you find them so boring?

pointythings · 31/12/2018 09:43

I am clearly a sad case, as I always enjoyed taking DDs to soft play (because I could sit there and read a book in peace), loved 'boring' National Trust places (they are not boring), enjoyed watching them progress in their swimming lessons (because it meant I could enjoy going swimming with them). It helped that I also worked full time throughout so I had independence and adult company too.

It does get easier with time though, in the sense that when they are teenagers they can do a lot more for themselves. Mine are almost 16 and almost 18 and I am going to miss them like mad.

DelphiniumBlue · 31/12/2018 09:43

If you don't enjoy what you do, do it differently. Like The FifthKey said, encourage them to do stuff that you like.
Mine are grown up now, but I miss things like ice-skating at Christmas, picnics with French cricket, collecting things on walks, seeing Father Christmas and his grotto, junk modelling, children's theatre and films.

Original poster
Cheekysquirrel · 31/12/2018 09:44

Oh god yes imaginary play... that’s the reason I try and go out so much. The alternative is imaginary play.
My age gap makes it more difficult I think along with the ASD. My friend who has a child the same age as ds was saying their child just texts them some days and tells them they are going to someone’s house for dinner etc. It was like a different world! Ds is with me nearly all of the time he’s not in school. I can’t imagine him just phoning me and saying he was going to someone’s house for dinner. For a start he only has about four accepted foods Shock

OP posts: