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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be annoyed at dd16..

233 replies

pizzabadger · 30/12/2018 18:44

Because I cant ask her to look after her little brothers for half an hour without a massive argument?

She was sitting on her phone doing fa and I asked her to watch them so I could have a bath and she went off in a massive strop.

Apparently it's completely unfair and I'm a slave driver because she watched them while I was making the dinner.
Nevermind that I watched them alone all day while she was out with her friends.

She has now stormed off to her dad's,no doubt to tell him how I'm all the arseholes, and I'm left alone with two toddlers again.

OP posts:
Blessthekids · 30/12/2018 21:18

I agree with @calamitycake

Helping out is no big deal, its half an hour and her dd is 16, exactly how awful will her life be if she helped a little? She was home anyway and wasn't about to go out with friends or anything.

BackforGood · 30/12/2018 21:21

You need to separate out the fact your 16yr od dd is going through a phase of "it's not fair", which, tbf, most teens go through from the fact that you are a bit frustrated looking after 2 toddlers single handed for weeks on end.

That is tough. Yes, people can say 'you and dh made that decision' etc., but it doesn't mean we can't all have a whinge after a bad day. It is hard work with 2 little ones when there are 2 parents. The fact that some people manage on their own is neither here nor there. It is still hard work.

You've had such negative replies on this thread because you seemed to imply that your 16 yr old somehow had a "duty" to look after them. Well, she doesn't. She has no responsibility for them.

In terms of the bath - if they are little enough to need watching whilst you have a bath then presumably they go to bed by about 7.30 and you can have a bath then.

BackforGood · 30/12/2018 21:23

Oh yes, the thing I'd change is the bit where you said 'she does nothing around the house'. That's worth challenging, for any 16 yr old, regardless of whether or not your dh is home or in the Indian Ocean, and regardless of if you have toddlers or not.

squiglet111 · 30/12/2018 21:24

I think you're taking advantage tbh. Everyone else with small children work around their children, they don't have someone around to look after their kids for them. Sounds like you've got into the habit of relying on your teenager to do childcare so it's easier for you. As someone else said, have a bath once the little ones are in bed. Most mothers of young children don't usually get time for baths!

TacoLover · 30/12/2018 21:25

The issue here is with your husbands lack of support, not your daughters.

It's not really his fault that he works overseas is itConfused although OP I think you're being ridiculous.

WisdomOfCrowds · 30/12/2018 21:31

I agree vuripadexo, and I strongly suspect that:

I cant and wont ask dh to leave a well paying job that he enjoys because of a few weeks a year

Is actually code for:

I cant and wont ask dh to leave a well paying job that he enjoys because I know damn well that he'd refuse as having a fun well paying job is better than parenting toddlers. So instead of confronting this glaring inequality in my relationship I'll try and make it the problem of the nearest available woman. It's not my husbands fault I'm struggling alone with young children, nope it's my daughters - no need for a difficult conversation about him facing his responsibilities, men need to have fun not do parenting, I have plenty of power in my relationship, tralalalala...

WisdomOfCrowds · 30/12/2018 21:32

It's not really his fault that he works overseas is it

I'm assuming he wasn't forced to apply for and accept the job at gunpoint...

WinterfellWench · 30/12/2018 21:33

YABU. It's not your 16 y.o. DD's job to look after YOUR kids.

AndromedaPerseus · 30/12/2018 21:35

During the school holidays either offer to pay your dd to babysit your Ds or get a babysitter for a few hours each day to give yourself a break. I have a friend who uses her teenage dd as free childcare and it’s damaged their relationship longterm

DurhamDurham · 30/12/2018 21:38

My sister is ten years younger than me, I moved 250 miles away from home at 18 and I was sick of babysitting. It was expected of me on a daily basis and I'd had enough.

vuripadexo · 30/12/2018 21:40

WisdomOfCrowds

Yep! I'm guessing DH does whatever the fuck he likes...

SpitefulMidLifeAnimal · 30/12/2018 21:41

Of course DD is always stroppy. You didn't think that she would become instantly besotted with two screeching young children did you? Remember that her home life will have been turned upside down by their arrival and I suspect she's spent most of her teenage years being told that she can't do something or being told to be quiet "because of the baby".

Take your baby blinkers off for a moment and consider how this has affected your DD. She's had absolutely no say in this at all. I'm sure they are lovely to you but they probably get right on her nerves at times.

Cadburyssurpriseegg · 30/12/2018 21:42

My dc help out a lot with their younger sibling.
We work as a family unit.
I have a dd with severe sn and it does get stressy at home sometimes.

Op asking for half an hour just to have a bath isn’t awful.

WhoTookTheChristmasCookie · 30/12/2018 21:46

I think asking her to watch them while she has a bath is the kicker for me.
It's not as if the DD is refusing to help out in an emergency, OP just wanted to have a bath - that can wait.

Presumably, with toddlers, she'd have plenty of time to have a bath and relax when they were in bed.
So, no, I don't think the DD is being unreasonable in this circumstance.

twosoups1972 · 30/12/2018 21:49

Can't believe some of these responses, no wonder teens are growing up self-entitled these days.

I'm sure the OP does plenty for her dd, I don't think it's too much to ask for her to watch her siblings for short periods.

MN is weird sometimes - so many thread about how domesticated young children are, they cook, clean and so on....but watching younger siblings is seen as exploitation for some reason Hmm

Aragog · 30/12/2018 21:50

Do you give your Dd babysitting money for looking after her toddler siblings ever?

Maybe giving her x amount of money for t amount of childcare each week might be a way forward??

Whilst it would be nice to have help, your older Dd didn't choose to have the siblings, and they really aren't her responsibility in that sense. It's also not her fault that your dh works away from home.

Do you have any other form of childcare to give yourself a break?

thebaronetofcockburn · 30/12/2018 21:51

no wonder teens are growing up self-entitled these days.

Mine aren't. But I don't expect them to perform parenting because one of the parents has voluntarily fucked off and can't be bothered to parent or buy in help to do his share. She's being expected to fill his gap. He's the one who should be doing that and getting the ire for not doing it or buying in more help, but the daughter's an easier mark.

WinterfellWench · 30/12/2018 21:58

twosoups1972

^no wonder teenagers are entitled these days!*

@thebaronetofcockburn

Mine aren't. But I don't expect them to perform parenting because one of the parents has voluntarily fucked off and can't be bothered to parent or buy in help to do his share. She's being expected to fill his gap. He's the one who should be doing that and getting the ire for not doing it or buying in more help, but the daughter's an easier mark.

THIS.

This is just another stick to bash teenagers with. It's not the responsibility of the 16 y.o. to babysit her younger siblings and act like an unpaid nanny, and any parent expecting this has got a fucking cheek to be honest.

Shame on any parent using their teenager to babysit the younger siblings. YOU are the one who chose to have those children, not her. She will have plenty of babysitting, and years of drudgery ahead of her when SHE has kids - don't force the poor lass to do it now. That's just fucking mean and cruel.

Sort yourself out, and get the bloody FATHER of the children to step up and take some responsibility for the children HE helped to create!

CaMePlaitPas · 30/12/2018 21:59

yabu

lily2403 · 30/12/2018 22:00

Mines don’t parent for me I do all the parenting. I do think her dd should be helping around the house though, not sitting on her phone and storming about when asked to do something. Think op getting a bit of a bashing for her DH working away. What’s he supposed to do be on the dole and stay home Hmm

winterpol · 30/12/2018 22:06

know what you mean twosoups!

anyway, people are getting very riled up and judgy with minimal information. this is just one day - we don't know how often DD 'babysits'.

maddiemookins16mum · 30/12/2018 22:06

You’re directing your frustration at the wrong person.

thebaronetofcockburn · 30/12/2018 22:07

What’s he supposed to do be on the dole and stay home hmm

Um, no, get another job (apparently that's not an option because he has fun at this one), hire in help for the OP since he's away and can't do his share.

Chores and helping round the house, sure, but from the OP's own posts, she feels really put upon and 'fed up' that her daughter isn't co-parenting with her when she should be directing all that at her h and the pair of them working together for solutions to the issue since they chose to create the children.

WisdomOfCrowds · 30/12/2018 22:07

Are we really to believe that this is the only job in the entire world that OPs husband is able to do? There is a place in between "works over seas for months at a time" and "sitting home on the dole" and it's called "getting a normal but possibly less fun job like the majority of other parents on the planet". My OH had a job that was incompatible with family life, so he found another one! It took a long time, it meant leaving his dream career, and he had to do some evening courses to vary his skill set, but he made the sacrifice because his responsibility as a parent came first.

RiverTam · 30/12/2018 22:08

Either she's a member of the family, and family help each other out, or she's not. Why are so many people making excuses for her? Babysitting younger siblings is part of family life.

Who is paying for that phone of hers? Because if it was me I'd be attaching some caveats to that or withdrawing funding.

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