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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed at dd16..

233 replies

pizzabadger · 30/12/2018 18:44

Because I cant ask her to look after her little brothers for half an hour without a massive argument?

She was sitting on her phone doing fa and I asked her to watch them so I could have a bath and she went off in a massive strop.

Apparently it's completely unfair and I'm a slave driver because she watched them while I was making the dinner.
Nevermind that I watched them alone all day while she was out with her friends.

She has now stormed off to her dad's,no doubt to tell him how I'm all the arseholes, and I'm left alone with two toddlers again.

OP posts:
CrispbuttyNo1 · 30/12/2018 20:21

You can have a bath once the kids are in bed. Your children are not your elder child’s responsibility.

Ethel36 · 30/12/2018 20:21

My brother's girlfriend used to do this alot. Ask the teenage daughter to baby sit the toddler. In the end she kept going out all of the time to avoid babysitting. She moved out quite early. I think your children are your responsibility. You can offer her a take away or some money if she's happy to do that. But you can't enforce it!

youarenotkiddingme · 30/12/2018 20:22

I don't think it's a massive ask to ask a 16yo who is already sat in a house to watch kids whilst dinner is cooked or a bath is taken.

She didn't ask her to give up anything or stay in especially. She was there. In the room.

ManicUnicorn · 30/12/2018 20:23

Honestly OP she's 16 and that age I was never in the bloody house because I was always out with friends, that's what 16 year olds do. It's what they should be doing before they have to face proper adult responsibilities.

Why should she look after her younger siblings if she doesn't want to? They're not her kids.

Myimaginaryreindeerhasfleas · 30/12/2018 20:23

If you DH is well paid could he contribute some of that money to a babysitting fund? I bet your DD would be happier about minding them if you paid her to do it. She just doesn’t want to be exploited. This could work for all of you. I’m a genius.

calamitycake · 30/12/2018 20:25

My teenage son looks after his younger brother for around 4 hours per week. I do give him additional pocket money for doing so, however being part of a family means that you have to help each other out from time to time. Looking after younger siblings whilst the mum has a bath is really not a big deal.

3boysandabump · 30/12/2018 20:25

YABU.
I've been that older sibling and honestly it's shit. My DM actually used to pay me to ease her guilt a little. My DM also used to get jealous and moan that I was able to go out and had all this freedom that she didn't have because of my DSis.
If she wants to help then that's fine if she doesn't well that should be up to her.

ILoveChristmasLights · 30/12/2018 20:30

It’s not asking her to help that’s the problem, it’s your attitude.

You talk about it as though she’s your partner, not your daughter. I expect you expect her to behave like your partner when he’s away (watching the kids, being home to be company for you, not going out for the day with friends), and to behave like your child when he’s home.

I wouldn’t be at all surprised if your DD feels confused and upset. I imagine she feels put upon and responsible for your emotional well being when you’re DH is away, then abandoned on that level when he’s home. You need to have a good hard think because you’ll really damage your relationship with her if you’re not careful.

C8H10N4O2 · 30/12/2018 20:37

Crikey when did asking the eldest to keep an eye on their younger siblings briefly, whilst a parent is still in the house, become akin to sending kids down the mines?

The DD is in the house, old enough to help prepare the dinner if needed rather than just keep an eye out whilst someone else does the work.

The idea that DH should give up his job to save a 16 yr old from having to raise their eyes from a phone for 20 minutes is just bonkers.

MrsApplepants · 30/12/2018 20:38

Your other children are not your DDs responsibility. At all. As the eldest sibling I was used as unpaid childcare throughout my later teen years, it caused so much resentment and I could not wait to leave home.
You chose to have the children, you look after them yourself.

WisdomOfCrowds · 30/12/2018 20:38

I don't normally ask her to look after them at all as she at school all day and then has hw to do and needs time to chill when she gets home.

Sorry OP but you're really not getting it. No, half an hour to have a bath isn't much but every single post you make screams that you think she owes you childcare and that you're being gracious by not asking her more. The quote above should read:

I don't normally ask her to look after them at all as SHE'S NOT THEIR BLOODY MOTHER!"

Not because she's physically unavailable for large portions of the day! Even if she were home all day with nothing else to do she still wouldn't owe you any childcare! If you chose to get remarried and have more kids and are now choosing to indulge your husband in his super dream job which also means he can't actually be a parent then that's your bloody problem, not hers.

Wheresthebeach · 30/12/2018 20:45

OP - you're being a bit of a dick here.

You're not listening to what everyone is saying - you are being unfair on your DD and expecting her to pick up the slack because your DH works away.

All you'll do is drive a wedge in between her and her siblings. Oh...and frankly she'll just start spending more time at her Dad's where she can, you know, be a teenager not a mothers helper.

garethsouthgatesmrs · 30/12/2018 20:51

simple solution is to give her some chores which free you up. You wouldn't need her to look after the boys while you cook if she was cooking dinner. Its perfectly reasonable for a 16yo to cook the fanily meal once or twice a weekm

missbattenburg · 30/12/2018 20:53

For some reason, I am reminded of a story my mum tells about my gran and brother. My brother was thought of as a bit careless, irresponsible, stubborn. My gran once said "that boy would do anything at all for anyone, so long as they ask him nicely".

Bit of a lightbulb moment for my parents, I think. Now he's a man I see the truth in what she said. You could demand he do something, ask harshly or expect him to, all you like and he will just refuse. You can ask him nicely for the world and he will gve it to you, gladly.

Rachelle3211 · 30/12/2018 20:57

If your dh has a well paying job than hire a babysitter. Your DD has her own life as well she should. They are your kids, they are your responsibility. You sound quite a bit like a teenager in this post. Very entitled.

OyOy · 30/12/2018 20:58

You sound quite a bit like a teenager in this post

Uh-huh

pfwow · 30/12/2018 21:00

Presumably it's a few weeks that it's a problem because otherwise there is nursery and school.
If DH is in a well paying job, get a babysitter during a couple of afternoons in the holidays, and spend some time with your eldest. Have a bath once the kids are in bed.

Howhot · 30/12/2018 21:02

You can't expect her to co parent with you just because your OH is away Confused she's 16. Watching them while you make dinner was nice of her, but to expect her to do it so you can indulge in a bath when you could wait for them to go to bed is taking the piss really. You sound like you resent her freedom but her siblings aren't her responsibility. I'm not surprised she left. Back off or you will push her away.

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 30/12/2018 21:04

Actually I think 30 mins childcare at least once a day is quite a lot to be asking of her.

melin · 30/12/2018 21:05

You normally have 2.5 days a week when the boys are at nursery and you are home to get stuff done??!!

lily2403 · 30/12/2018 21:09

She’s being a stroppy teen, I’m lucky my dd will look after my ds so I can nip in the shower or cook or clean.
Just bank it for when she has children Grin

vuripadexo · 30/12/2018 21:11

sounds like everything revolves around making your new DH happy. He gets a fun job with lots of travel and if your daughter has to parent for him you don't care.

horrible. typical "blended families" in action. almost always working to convenience the new man and inconvenience everyone else.

lily2403 · 30/12/2018 21:12

If she lives at home get her to help with the chores which will free up some of your time. If you part of the family and part of the home you have to help too...surely

DianaPrincessOfThemyscira · 30/12/2018 21:14

Well personally, I think being part of a family means sometimes keeping an eye on the little ones for half an hour.

OP wasn’t asking for babysitting, she’s asking for half an hour to have a bath. She says she doesn’t lean on her daughter for childcare, and I don’t think sitting in the same room and making sure two small children don’t kill themselves can be considered ‘childcare’. She could still have been on her phone fgs.

I am a parent of twins btw and well remember when they were two or so, sometimes I’d sit them in front of the tv for half an hour. This is what OP is asking of her daughter.

MakeAHouseAHome · 30/12/2018 21:15

Erm what on earth?! You had the kids, theg are YOURS to look after. Your DD is not your freebie nanny...

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