To be annoyed at dd16..

[pizzabadger]

Because I cant ask her to look after her little brothers for half an hour without a massive argument?

She was sitting on her phone doing fa and I asked her to watch them so I could have a bath and she went off in a massive strop.

Apparently it's completely unfair and I'm a slave driver because she watched them while I was making the dinner.
Nevermind that I watched them alone all day while she was out with her friends.

She has now stormed off to her dad's,no doubt to tell him how I'm all the arseholes, and I'm left alone with two toddlers again.

well if your dd doesn't even do chores around the house because she's been pandered to and spoilt her whole life - then how on earth is she supposed to understand what responsibility is?
If everything is always being handed to her on a plate and paid for and she doesn't have to earn anything - then why would she want to help you?

You haven't raised her to have a sense of responsibility or to be a team player so it's your own fault she has the attitude she has.

As for defending your absent husband, YOU chose to effectively be a lone parent - twice!
Why do your husbands wants and desires come before what is actually needed and good for the family?
He's got it very cushy, absolutely no fucking parenting responsibility or housework - and when he is home i bet you wait on him hand and foot, do all the childcare whilst he has 'downtime'.

If you create a rod for your own back then don't be surprised when it won't budge.

Well, if watching them is so easy and definitely not babysitting/ childcare then the OP could take them in the bath with her right, no effort at all .

Or realistically watching two toddlers is always going to be hard work and it's a favour from the OP's eldest.

I also think that if she'd approached it as a favour/ bit of appreciated help, she wouldn't have had a flaming on here and perhaps her DD would've been more willing.

OP. You are the parent. Not dd. What do you think other people do with young DC's while they parent as in cooking or whatever by themselves?
Poor DD must be really hacked off with being a proxy parent

My older kids will sometimes babysit the younger ones - and being solely responsible for them without an adult available instantly is babysitting imo - but they get asked. And they would never get asked twice in one day to mind two toddlers.

I think it's likely a combination of teenage attitude and the OP's attitude - commenting about being alone with the toddlers while the teen was out with her friends is simply ridiculous - is going to cause a clash. If there is any resentment toward the changes in her life then obviously the second time in the day being asked to be responsible for them is going to be a clash point.

I also would bet that the OP's attitude of "some help would be nice" when the DD had already helped earlier that day plays a part.

The fact the DD does nothing around the house is not the DD's fault at all. Teens who are not expected to do chores or the likes aren't suddenly going to get up one day and suddenly start making meals and doing laundry. They have to be taught. And that's not comparable to babysitting anyway.

Maybe you need to get her to step up more with General household chores- which at 16 would be reasonable, as opposed to looking after her younger siblings?

The problem is you are suggesting she helps you out for half an hour for this yanbu. But the rest of your posts suggest she should do more because your dh, her step father, is living his dream job/life. That's not her fault and shouldn't be made to feel she should step up. Let her enjoy school and her firends because it Was out be long and she will be an adult with her own responsibilities. She is your child too. And trust me the more you suggest she should be helping to parent and the more you resent her for her 'freedom the further away she will go from you. What were you doing at 16. I don't believe you were expected to co parent....

She might have her own children one day. She will either expect help from you as you did her or she will not let you be involved at all.

Her relationship with her siblings will not be one that is like a siblings but another parent. You are trying to change the dynamic to please a man.

And I have been on both sides. I looked after my siblings as my own whisky my mum and her husband shit the day away. We are now no contact including me and my siblings. I now have 4 dc on my own and dh works 7 days a week and I work part time from home and do 99% of the housework. Because that's what we chose and we do not complain.

Why can't you just have a quick shower once they're in bed?

The 16 year old can be left alone for 10mins so just wait a bit.