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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed at dd16..

233 replies

pizzabadger · 30/12/2018 18:44

Because I cant ask her to look after her little brothers for half an hour without a massive argument?

She was sitting on her phone doing fa and I asked her to watch them so I could have a bath and she went off in a massive strop.

Apparently it's completely unfair and I'm a slave driver because she watched them while I was making the dinner.
Nevermind that I watched them alone all day while she was out with her friends.

She has now stormed off to her dad's,no doubt to tell him how I'm all the arseholes, and I'm left alone with two toddlers again.

OP posts:
thebaronetofcockburn · 30/12/2018 20:07

I cant and wont ask dh to leave a well paying job that he enjoys because of a few weeks a year (which he isn't always working over anyway)

Then you suck it up because you and he are the ones who chose to have them. Or you hire in some help so you can indulge in baths.

Totally wrong to expect your child to co-parent with you because your h likes his job and you like the money.

CosmicCanary · 30/12/2018 20:07

I would have never begrudged my mother half hour to get a bath.

Your DD is not there to parent but watching siblings for half an hour is not a big ask.

I would reduce the amount I did for 16 yo and that may give you more time and energy to do the things you need to do.

What is so wrong with a bit of give and take?
You cook/clean/do laundry/lifts/pay for phone in return an hour a days baby sitting is a small amount and would make a real difference to you.

mimibunz · 30/12/2018 20:07

Sorry OP, but I do think you are being unreasonable. Your babies are not her responsibility and however much it would be nice of her to help she’s a teenager and entitled to have her own life without helping with children that aren’t hers.

Rockbird · 30/12/2018 20:07

CosmicCanary I'm glad you picked up on that because I thought that was a disgusting comment too.

And I don't think asking a 16 yo to keep an eye on their siblings for half an hour amounts to slave labour or making her take on all the parenting. What happened to families mucking in? Clearly not in most of the families on this thread.

Christmasisforadults2 · 30/12/2018 20:08

The OP was stressed and upset!
How she said it wasn't right and I'm guessing it came out phrased wrong.
A moment of irrational thought.

16 years old should help. And saying the OP choose to have more is just MN at its best, hypothetical!

OyOy · 30/12/2018 20:08

Well if he's in a well paying job, he can fork out for child care can't he?

And if it's only a few weeks a year why are you so resentful?

Nothing justifies your attitude to your 16 year old child.

Echoing PPS it sound like you resent her.

thebaronetofcockburn · 30/12/2018 20:09

I'm really just fed up with managing on my own for months at a time

So hire in help. Hmm

category12 · 30/12/2018 20:10

I'm really just fed up with managing on my own for months at a time and dd being constantly stroppy about everything.

You need to separate those 2 sentences.

It's not your dd's responsibility to take up the slack from the absent father.

Her being stroppy is probably normal teenaged behaviour. It's not unreasonable to expect her to help out around the house a bit and make an effort to be pleasant. But there's a big difference to that and the sentiments you've expressed.

I'd incentivise helping out with money.

thebaronetofcockburn · 30/12/2018 20:10

16 years old should help

She did! Maybe she'll wise up and just go to her dad's.

M3lon · 30/12/2018 20:10

yabu. you and the boys father had the kids, you sort it out.

BellyDancer124 · 30/12/2018 20:12

OP you don’t seem to be accepting that you are probably being unreasonable? Hmm why did you ask!

SoyDora · 30/12/2018 20:13

I cant and wont ask dh to leave a well paying job that he enjoys because of a few weeks a year (which he isn't always working over anyway)

If it’s only a few weeks a year then I’m not sure what the issue is? When we had 2 under 2 DH’s role massively changed and he ended up working away Monday-Friday for the first year. It was reallt bloody hard, and no teenager to help out. I know it’s not misery top trumps but come on!

However you also said

I'm really just fed up with managing on my own for months at a time

So is it months at a time or a few weeks a year?

OyOy · 30/12/2018 20:13

Actually good point

is it

I'm really just fed up with managing on my own for months at a time

or

*I cant and wont ask dh to leave a well paying job that he enjoys because of a few weeks a year (which he isn't always working over anyway)

Whatever- neither is your DD's responsibility.

Good for her for removing herself from this unhealthy dynamic.

Touchmybum · 30/12/2018 20:14

Well there's your answer then. Let your DH stay in his well paying job, and you continue to treat your daughter as the unpaid mother's help. That's going to end well. Not.

Tutlefru · 30/12/2018 20:14

This place is getting worse.

OP YANBU.

She hasn’t asked the 16 year old to watch them why she goes on holiday FFS.

We all need to let off steam sometimes, wouldn’t recommend anyone doing it on AIBU.

Hope you manage grab a bath when they’re in bed OP. Wine

HollowTalk · 30/12/2018 20:15

Sometimes AIBU responses really, really shock me. The level of contempt for the OP is appalling.

Eliza9917 · 30/12/2018 20:15

If it's only a few weeks a year that he's away, why can't you manage that yourself?

You chose to have them in this set up.

Platypusfattypus · 30/12/2018 20:16

She’s not asking her daughter to feed or clothe them, take them out or educate them..she’s asking for her to sit in the same room as them for half an hour

Touchmybum · 30/12/2018 20:16

The OP's attitude is going to lose her her daughter.

ExFury · 30/12/2018 20:16

It might not be what you asked her, but how...

Your comments about her being out with her friends, being left alone again and saying that some help would be nice when she’d already minded them for you earlier suggests to me that when their dad is away and it’s the holidays she’s expected to step in.

There’s a big difference between asking her for a favour and assuming that she should step in because you’re single handed.

When my step-daughter’s step father took a job abroad he and her mum factored in her help with her younger siblings in their “how will it go” without any conversation with her. Other children in the house shouldn’t become the de facto second parent. Even if they are 16.

And they should still be allowed to be a stroppy teenager. Because that’s what teens do.

ThunderOnlyHappens · 30/12/2018 20:16

I had to look after my two sisters instead of being able to enjoy my adolescence. Consequently my sister and I have a dreadful relationship because I had to act like her Mum. She is 8 years younger than me, and from the age of 12 I was often left for hours looking after them.

My parents chose to have three daughters, but as the eldest I suffered for their choice. My advice is to look after your own fucking kids, and not expect her to do so.

thebaronetofcockburn · 30/12/2018 20:17

Contempt because an adult who chose to have two kids close together is resentful of her 16-year-old's not providing childcare but not the kids' father who chooses to work abroad and not offer to buy in paid help for his spouse and kids? The 16-year-old is the OP's soft target because she cannot exactly get a job and swan off across the ocean like the OP's 'd'h but if the OP is struggling to manage and fed up with being on her own with two toddlers that's something for her and their dad to deal with, not a 16-year-old half-sibling.

Scarymovie73 · 30/12/2018 20:17

Give her a hug please . You don't know what's going on in their wee lives. It's a crap time being a teen these days. They still need our love however tough they seem .

Platypusfattypus · 30/12/2018 20:19

There’s a big difference between asking her for a favour and assuming that she should step in because you’re single handed

This

CluedoAddict · 30/12/2018 20:21

Yabvu they are your children not hers. I'm not surprised she gets stroppy.

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