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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be annoyed at dd16..

233 replies

pizzabadger · 30/12/2018 18:44

Because I cant ask her to look after her little brothers for half an hour without a massive argument?

She was sitting on her phone doing fa and I asked her to watch them so I could have a bath and she went off in a massive strop.

Apparently it's completely unfair and I'm a slave driver because she watched them while I was making the dinner.
Nevermind that I watched them alone all day while she was out with her friends.

She has now stormed off to her dad's,no doubt to tell him how I'm all the arseholes, and I'm left alone with two toddlers again.

OP posts:

cuppycakey · 30/12/2018 19:21

YABU.

I would call her and apologise and say you do appreciate the help she gives you.

LilQueenie · 30/12/2018 19:21

yabu sorry. Its not her job to sit with her siblings. It does read as if its an everyday event.

AWishForWingsThatWork · 30/12/2018 19:22

I know they're my responsibility but dh works away and I don't have any family who can help so it would be nice to get some help from my dd sometimes

Still not her responsibility, I'm afraid.

Many, many of us have been stuck at home alone with babies, toddlers, children who can't be left alone while spouses are away ... still our responsibility.

Eliza9917 · 30/12/2018 19:23

Apparently it's completely unfair and I'm a slave driver because she watched them while I was making the dinner.
Nevermind that I watched them alone all day while she was out with her friends.

She has now stormed off to her dad's,no doubt to tell him how I'm all the arseholes, and I'm left alone with two toddlers again

Are you fucking serious?

They are YOUR children that YOU chose to have.

You can't now get arsey at a 16yo because she won't pick up your shit.

Jesus Christ I've read it all now. Yeah ask her to help out but don't take the above attitude when she won't.

masktaster · 30/12/2018 19:24

I still bitterly remember being about 14 and putting my toddler brother to bed, and basically getting fed up of him not sleeping so going through to my own room. And getting a right bollocking for not sitting with him until he was asleep. I'd already been there over an hour, read more stories than I care to remember, and had my own stuff to be getting on with. But I was the selfish one for making my mother parent her own child

Don't make your daughter resent you/her small siblings. I usually didn't mind looking after my brothers, but I was expected to do way too much for them (up to and including my mother choosing a nursery opposite my secondary school so I could do nursery runs) considering they weren't my choice. I'm not saying this is as extreme, but it's still unfair to be expected to be an additional parent.

Original poster

pizzabadger · 30/12/2018 19:27

I do know how single parents manage because that's how I managed for most of dd's life.

Their dad is somewhere in the indian ocean right now so no he can't watch them.

OP posts:

category12 · 30/12/2018 19:28

So manage like you did then.

GimmeGimmeHellYeah · 30/12/2018 19:30

Goblin King, Goblin King, where ever you may be, come take this child of mine far away from me!

zen1 · 30/12/2018 19:30

What would you do for if you didn’t have a 16 yr old to ask to watch them?

Pachyderm1 · 30/12/2018 19:30

Nevermind that I watched them alone all day while she was out with her friends.

Presuming they’re your kids not hers, this is your job and not something you can resent her for. That said, she is being a bit U if it’s only half an hour you wanted, but maybe she’s feeling taken advantage of?

thebaronetofcockburn · 30/12/2018 19:31

Your husband changes his job then, or you both hire in extra help. Not anyone's problem but yours.

Butchyrestingface · 30/12/2018 19:31

I quite agree that asking her to watch them on occasion is just being part of a family, but if you couch it in these terms:

Nevermind that I watched them alone all day while she was out with her friends.

it's hardly any wonder she eye rolls and stomps off.

Their dad is somewhere in the indian ocean right now so no he can't watch them.

Btw, how can she stomp off round to her dad's to complain about you if he's in the Indian Ocean? Does she shout really, really loud?

Lovemusic33 · 30/12/2018 19:32

They are toddlers, they can help cook dinner? Kids like to help, give them a empty bowl and a wooden spoon.

Most people manage, most people don’t have a partner who’s home all day and many f us are single parents. I alsways gave mine a pot of play dough or sit them in front of CBeebies for an hour. It’s not your daughters job to look after your kids.

thebaronetofcockburn · 30/12/2018 19:32

I do know how single parents manage because that's how I managed for most of dd's life.

Then you manage like you did then .

bevelino · 30/12/2018 19:32

OP, I don’t think it is too much to ask your dd to mind her brothers for half an hour while you take a bath. @Onlyjoinedforthisthread, I am pleased to read that because your choice of words is thoroughly disgusting.

thesnapandfartisinfallible · 30/12/2018 19:32

They're YOUR bloody kids! Not hers. She has NO responsibility for them whatsoever. She already has helped you today by watching them while you cooked dinner. I'd go to my dads too rather than be unpaid childcare in my own home. She doesn't owe you any help. She is 16, still a child herself. As for your DH working away, that's your problem. The two of you need to sort your own childcare and if him working away is an issue then he needs to find something else that doesn't involve him checking out of parenting his own children.

I live with my mum temporarily and own two energetic dogs. Some help would be very nice as I honestly can't be fucked to get up and walk them but I'm not going to ask her because they're mine, I chose to have them so I sort them out. It's the same with kids. Your choice to have them, your responsibility to look after them.

Hwory · 30/12/2018 19:33

Perhaps you shouldn’t have had more children with a husband who works away if you couldn’t handle it.

I have two toddlers and am a single parent. No one looks after my kids when I make dinner or have a bath.

Lovemusic33 · 30/12/2018 19:33

Butch the 16 year old has a different dad, I think op meant the toddlers dad is away?

Butchyrestingface · 30/12/2018 19:35

Butch the 16 year old has a different dad, I think op meant the toddlers dad is away?

Ah, hah! 💡

As you were.

Illfindmywayhome · 30/12/2018 19:35

Listen OP it’s ok to ask for help but if she doesn’t want to or if she’s doing it on the regular then it is a bit unfair. Pp are quite right in what they say. Although it does sound like you are struggling so I do understand how hard it must be for you alone with toddlers all I can suggest is find new routines to get things done without asking dd, you might then find if you desperately need her help she may be more willing to give you a hand

Cherries101 · 30/12/2018 19:36

You sound pretty weak minded if you can’t handle your own kids without your 16 yo dd’s help.

riotlady · 30/12/2018 19:37

@Butchyrestingface I think the 16 year old and the toddlers have different dads, she’s gone to her dads but theirs can’t look after them because he’s in the Indian Ocean.

I think given that she’s already watched them half an hour that’s probably enough for today? My sister is 8 years younger than me and I looked after her a lot but my parents always paid me if it was a significant amount of time (like if they went out for the evening). I can see resentment building if she’s regularly asked to watch them for free, especially if they’re a handful (which most toddlers are!)

Jiminybikkit · 30/12/2018 19:37

Yabu sorry. She's sixteen years old, she SHOULD be out with her friends. Not staying at home minding her siblings. It's not her problem that you've been parenting solo all day. She's already watched them while you cook dinner, I think that's fair enough actually.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 30/12/2018 19:38

If they’re toddlers can’t you put them to bed at 7 and then have your bath then? Ywnbu to ask her to look after them while you cooked dinner, but I agree with others that they’re not her responsibility.

sparkleandsunshine · 30/12/2018 19:38

I think you are totally reasonable in asking your daughter to help out. I was asked to help out, it can be part of contributing to the household, like chores and I think it’s reasonable for all children to help out once old enough. I think it teaches responsibility.

However...

Your comment about you having watched them alone whilst she was out with friends is totally unreasonable.
You are a parent. She is not. She has no parental responsibility and using that sentence as part of an argument just makes you look like you are trying to make her into a parental figure when in reality you are still her mum and she shouldn’t be given more than she can handle. Remember that parenting is overwhelming and taking care of toddlers can be hard. It may be too hard for her. You had children, you have a partner who works away. It’s hard but you need to be the one to manage this situation.
If it was me then I would totally expect my DD to help out. But not every day, and if she’s helping out in other ways then I wouldn’t expect it that much.
Be kind to yourself, but remember that your daughter hasn’t chosen to be a parent, and you can’t force too much on her or you might end up hurting your relationship.

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