To be annoyed at dd16..

[pizzabadger]

Because I cant ask her to look after her little brothers for half an hour without a massive argument?

She was sitting on her phone doing fa and I asked her to watch them so I could have a bath and she went off in a massive strop.

Apparently it's completely unfair and I'm a slave driver because she watched them while I was making the dinner.
Nevermind that I watched them alone all day while she was out with her friends.

She has now stormed off to her dad's,no doubt to tell him how I'm all the arseholes, and I'm left alone with two toddlers again.

Yes YABU by commenting that you watch them while she is out, they're not her responsibility and that comment is weird.

BUT YANBU expecting her to watch them for a few minutes every so often and being annoyed at her response. I have a teen and a 4 year old and you'd think I was asking him to give me his eyeballs when I ask him to sit while I have a quick shower.

It's not her job to look after your kids.
Leave her be! 16 is hard.

I pay my DS to watch the 4 year old - a cash incentive might be worth considering.

Yes! You are being UR - massively!

You and your DH chose to have children - you look after them

Any help should be massively and demonstrably gratefully received, from anyone let alone a 16 yo girl.

Your DD is NOT your partner.

Awful

I don't normally ask her normally ask her to look after them at all as she at school all day and then has hw to do and needs time to chill when she gets home. Plus the boys are normally at nursery 2.5 days a week which gives me time to do stuff.

I have asked her to do more over the holidays but never more than half an hour at a time and usually only once a day if that.
She's not asked to do anything else around the house.

I'm really just fed up with managing on my own for months at a time and dd being constantly stroppy about everything.

Its not really for her to do.
OP get your husband back working locally so he can do his share of the childcare. There his children as well as yours.

The issue here is with your husbands lack of support, not your daughters.

I pay my 15 year old if we're out of the house. I pay him well - I don't want it to be an obligation that he'll feel angry about (that isn't fair to him or the LO). If he is getting paid he knows what is in it for him.

When we're home and I need to do things, I'll say "The kitchen needs to be cleaned. Would you rather empty and load the dishwasher or play with your sister for a bit while I do it?" Or, "I'm going to make tea for all of us - would you mind playing with the little one?"

Teenagers are obsessed with "fair". Mine get that they share the house and should share some responsibility, but they do not have responsibility for the the toddler. They can trade household chores for childcare, that that's a win for all of us. I get a moments peace, the toddler gets fun teenage brother attention, playing with the toddler is more fun than folding laundry for the teenager.

Take that up with your DH then, not your DD.

I'm really just fed up with managing on my own for months at a time

It sounds tough. DH worked away a lot when I had 2 under 2 and it was really hard. It’s not your daughter’s problem though.

dd being constantly stroppy about everything

This is a separate issue. From what I know of 16 year olds, they’re often stroppy! I would give her a list of chores than are non negotiable and are part of her contributing to the running of the house. Not childcare though.

Suck it up buttercup.

You chose this life, not your DD.

If you want someone to share the burden with - talk to your DH.

She's 16, being stroppy is in the job description - and she had every right to feel aggrieved by you attitude of seeing a 16 yo child as you life partner.

If you want her to do chores around the house, that's fair - childcare is not.

Seems like you asked for a lot more than half an hour today.

Why don't you offer to pay her - like any other babysitter?

I'm really just fed up with managing on my own for months at a time

But that's not your DD's fault. If she doesn't help out around the house, give her other jobs to do, but don't make her look after your children for you everyday - that's not fair. You can have a bath once they're in bed!

I’d be annoyed at her attitude too. It was half an hour. I’m the eldest too and it was part and parcel of being the eldest to occasionally look after younger siblings as well as do chores. But then at 16 I had lost my mum and had to do way more then that.

Asking her to keep an eye on them for 30 minutes at a time a couple of times a day, especially if it doesn't really involve her doing much except making sure they aren't about to hurt themselves.

However, the comment about nevermind that [you've] had them all day indicates that you are probably falling into an entitled attitude towards her and pushing her into a role she really does not want.

I know they're my responsibility but dh works away and I don't have any family who can help so it would be nice to get some help from my dd sometimes

It might be nice for you to get some help from your DD but it's not nice for her, is it? From her perspective you married someone else and had kids with him and then he goes off for stints of time and you expect her to pick up his responsibilities. If him working away leaves you with too much then you need to talk with him about it, not push your expectations for support onto your DD.

Problem solved?

It's not your dd's fault that your dh is away, but you seem to be treating her like a substitute partner just because he's not there. It's not just the comment that everyone has already picked up on about you having minded your own children all day while their half-sister got on with her life, but also at the end of the OP you complain about being alone with the toddlers while dd has gone off to her dad - again, that's not her problem. If you have issues with your dh working away from home, you need to take that up with him and not involve your teenage daughter in it.Your children are not her responsibility.

Yes, at 16 she should be doing some share in the household chores. But it is not her place to mind your children for you as though she were their other parent just because their other parent happens to be away.

You opened your legs not her so you look after your children not her,

What a disgusting comment!
Men who hate women usually use that line

Yabu I was the
T a
Ge looked after siblings when not at school. Was expected to just come home from my weekend job when mother felt like it. I did bed times dinner times after school clubs. Your responsibility not here. And my mother would say well I had them all day she you were at school...Well ofcourse you did because they are YOUR children.

Of course you are fed up of looking after them for months at a time and over Christmas - but that is an issue with your hudband, their father and not their sister.

You need to rethink your husband working abroad and how that works.

Yes she acting stroppily but it is not her responsiblity it is yours and your husbands

Your kids are your responsibility, surely you could have a bath and relax once you’ve put them to bed? Kids who are used as free childcare resent you for it. The odd half hour or paid babysitting is different.

My eldest is 17 and when he was ten I had 2 babies a year a part, now ex worked 7 days so I was on my own with 4 kids and he was a great wee helper never complained.
His father met someone and had another 2 children when he was 15/16 who he sores on. But they leave the kids with him and disappear, expect my 13 year old to watch them and hit the roof if they hurt themselves they just put an awful lot on the boys shoulders and they resent it. They love their siblings but they are bothers not parents.
It’s hard going doing it alone in the holidays when they aren’t at nursery, your 16 year old is a typical teenager. Have her do the dishes etc and negotiate paid babysitting doesn’t have to be much. (17 year old happily watches my boys free which is a bonus) because he’s not put upon and made to feel he ‘should’ help.

It’s hard going for you and I understand. now a single parent so I do it alone day in and day out and I’m shattered

They're your kids, not hers - be grateful for the help you do get from her. You made the choice to have them, they're your responsibility

Your 16yo didn't choose to bring more children into the family. That was your and your DHs decision - therefore they are your responsibility.
Yes it would be lovely to have some help, but she's already watched them for you at some point today and she's not obliged to do that either.

Your comment about her being out with friends and you being left with two toddlers is really, really strange. She should be out with her friends, enjoying her life because she doesn't have any responsibilities.
You're being left with the toddlers because they're yours.
Why couldn't you have waited until they were in bed to have a bath? That's a sacrifice you make as a parent.

If you're feeling resentful of your teenage daughter because she's enjoying her life then you really need to get a grip.
If you're struggling then your DH working away isn't working, look at the alternatives.

What are you going to do if your daughter goes to uni in a few years? You'll be all on your own with two toddlers still - then what?
It's not fair for the responsibility to land on her shoulders and then her being guilt tripped if she'd rather not take the responsibility on.

Tbh, in her shoes, I'd of probably stormed off too.

You raised a lazy dd and now because you need help you expect that to change.
You need house rules and to learn how to express what you need.
Saying 'Ive had them all day' will only be met with but they are your kids.

Saying you need to help with the house, theses are you chores and theses are your reward ( lifts, phone contract, money etc)

You can lose your temper and call her lazy because you created that - I know my middle dc was babied for years, now he has learnt to help.

We manage fine during term time when the boys are in nursery a couple of days.
This last week has been the only time dd has been asked to help.

I cant and wont ask dh to leave a well paying job that he enjoys because of a few weeks a year (which he isn't always working over anyway)

I assume you chose to have the children knowing your partner travelled? It’s not your DDs responsibility to look after your children!

I’m 37 weeks pregnant. My DD is nearly 15. I have ZERO expectation that she will look after her little brother in any way. If she WANTS to help at all that’s a bonus but it’s not her responsibility. My choice my responsibility.