to walk out on my family in Pizza Express

[Knitwit101]

I just got up and walked out. I am now in a Costa Coffee a few doors down.

3 kids, just nipping at each other all day long. They are generally well enough behaved but we've had a busy week with lots of family, away from home, everyone is tired and emotional.

But they just wouldn't stop. From the minute we got in the car they were arguing. Sat at the table, just fucking endless. So I got up, very calmly said that I did not want to have dinner with them, put on my coat and left.

I am now feeling terrible about poor old dh who obviously can't also walk out. They are either sitting in stunned silence or they have gone completely crazy. But I can't go back, I just can't. I am also tired and emotional. I wouldn't have dinner with anyone else who was behaving so badly.
Hopefully dh will forgive me. I will do all bedtime and he can go out for a drink or a run or something.

Fucking Christmas, when will it be over?

I would have done the same op.

I did once walk away from my family in a long queue in Marks & Spencer school uniform department. It was a hot day and I said "oh I'm so hot" and dh said "are you having one of your flushes?" in a very loud voice like it was a joke. Too right I walked away from that rather than have a screaming row with him in a public place.

Why don't people RTFT? Although the OP makes it clear that she behaved calmly two posters have said she 'flounced' and Triceratops thinks her son's 'stropping' is copying her.

This isn't going to traumatise kids of 7 - 10! How ridiculous. It's not like OP abandoned them on their own. It's good for kids to see that (a) adults also have limits and (b) that sometimes the best way to manage a difficult situation is to walk away and give yourself some space first.

11,10 and 7. 11 and 10 ought to be able to behave themselves. Maybe not the 7yo.

No matter, you did the right thing. Don't weaken. Under no account give in to tears. Your DH will be telling them "See what you've done!" (the DC not you.).

You will also become famous at school. "Guess what my mum did?"

This thread is quite an eye opener in terms of how many women seem to feel that the mother in a family is simultaneously required to have to the patience of a saint, an endless supply of strategies, to be the gate keeper of everyone else’s emotional well being and yet is never allowed a moment of emotion themselves

We really hate mothers, don’t we

Had your husband got up and walked out first, lumbering you with the brats, you would have got totally different responses! If they were badly behaved in the car why did you go? You were implying that whatever they did there would be no consequences then you took the coward's way out so that you're alright! Is your name Jack??

Actually Pagwatch, it has shown the usual barely disguised hate for men in some cases.

PMSL at having my reading comprehension mocked by somebody who can’t copy my name right...

Well said Pagwatch I'd been thinking similar.

Tillytrotter Are you one of the OP's dc ?

Nicenewdusters

It’s odd isn’t it. This idea that being a good mother is being an emotionless, bottomless pit of unquestioning and unconditional care.

My mum was bloody brilliant but flawed. She was a woman who had children and did her best. I admire that. She remained herself while being a devoted mum. It was what she did - she didn’t become some kind of weird ever patient saintlike creature

OP, YWNBU. Hope your kids have apologised.

Tillytrotter, you've never made an error of judgement, then. Bully for you.

I think it's good for kids to realise that mum has feelings too!

Good for you OP.
And on your return home, the dcs need a good telling.
I have turfed my dd out of the car a mile from home in pouring rain due to appalling behaviour.

Nothing wrong with calmly removing yourself from a stressful situation.

I've done it at home a few times. DS has seen the dinner and kicked off about it, and while we take action on his behaviour, sometimes because of my feelings about his behaviour and the effort of creating a dinner that is nutritious and something he should like being rejected means that I need to remove myself and calm down.

We are trying to train him to take himself off to quiet space when he is getting overwhelmed.

It is different to flouncing (dramatic) or sulking after the event. "You were doing this and it made me feel..." is healthy and not placing all the blame and responsibility onto the child.

When DS was struggling around SATs, we ended up taking DH and DS off in the car and dropping them off so they had to walk home. It was the day after the 4 hour meltdown and he was still a very fragile mood. A 30 minute walk in peace and quiet did wonders for him that weekend. Just going for a walk from home would have been met with resistance, he needed to be put in the position where walking was the only solution.

Pagwatch

Your mum sounds fab. I think it's really important for children, boys and girls, to see that "mum" is one of many roles for their mother. Obviously, and quite rightly, it's the major one they experience her in. But I think it's really healthy for them to also learn to see her as an individual, someone's friend, a wife/partner/single person, an employee, etc.

This fantasy that she should be an empty vessel into which anything can be poured but nothing can spill out is so dangerous. It leaks into every area of life. Some women turn themselves inside out trying to be supermum. Many men expect this level of commitment from them, hence the endless threads on here about the mental load, working equally but doing unequal work in the home, being taken for granted etc.

Absolutely Pagwatch , mothers are women that have children, they are not saints, nor should they be.

I did an emergency stop the other week and told my 16yr old ASD child to get out.

Snap, my DD didn't have ASD, was just being an ungrateful brat while I was driving her somehere with the knowledge I would also be picking her up. The way she spoke to me just flicked a switch. I stopped, told her to get out and walk. It worked. Not proud of myself but it was right at the time.

I think it’s not the best solution, no, but we’re all human and have a breaking point! However I 100% agree if a woman posted ‘went out with dh and kids, kids argued and messed about, we spoke to them and tried to make them behave etc but as we were sitting there my husband stood up, put his coat on and said ‘i’m not eating with you, then walked off and pissed off up the road to have a coffee in peace’ the answers would be very very different!!

I agree Mirri but OP did calmly leave them. Far better to do that than stay and end up having a row.

But with a job that you have chosen to do (parenthood) - and where your ability to do it well, or lack thereof, can have a huge and lasting impact on someone else's life, at least strive to do it as well as you can.

Oh, what a saint you are.

We've all been there to a greater or lesser degree.

I remember a stand off with my DD1, then aged about 6, when she realised that DD2 needed new shoes but she didn't (had had some a month previously). She (DD1) stamped her feet and shouted that she refused to leave this shop without a new pair of shoes. I paid for DD2's shoes and walked out leaving DD1 in the shop. I never went out of sight of her and could see her at all times. When I opened the door again she came meekly and the bratty behaviour magically evaporated.

You are human. You have a limit and a tipping point. It doesn't do kids any harm to find that out.

We have done a straight turn around when ds was being rude, had booked a lovely steak restaurant - I felt bad for dd, she understood though but no way was I going to sit and listen to rude behaviour - it was enough to remind him that I always follow through and he is not the one that calls the shots - eating out is a treat and good behaviour is expected..

I really wish that my father HAD got up and removed himself from the situation when his anger got the better of him. Far better than sitting humiliated in public, trying not to look at everyone and knowing that they were are hearing what was said.

Well done, OP, for removing yourself quietly from the scene and not causing a fuss. I hope it works long-term.