to walk out on my family in Pizza Express

[Knitwit101]

I just got up and walked out. I am now in a Costa Coffee a few doors down.

3 kids, just nipping at each other all day long. They are generally well enough behaved but we've had a busy week with lots of family, away from home, everyone is tired and emotional.

But they just wouldn't stop. From the minute we got in the car they were arguing. Sat at the table, just fucking endless. So I got up, very calmly said that I did not want to have dinner with them, put on my coat and left.

I am now feeling terrible about poor old dh who obviously can't also walk out. They are either sitting in stunned silence or they have gone completely crazy. But I can't go back, I just can't. I am also tired and emotional. I wouldn't have dinner with anyone else who was behaving so badly.
Hopefully dh will forgive me. I will do all bedtime and he can go out for a drink or a run or something.

Fucking Christmas, when will it be over?

@ShotsFired
I had similar experience to you as a child and my mother could take days sometimes a week before she would speak normally to you again. Often it was not over anything big either and it was more you happened to be the one who annoyed her so got her bad mood that day. I can still recall that sensation of walking on eggshells around her all the time so I made sure my children DID get those messages when I needed time out.

I have said

"I am sorry I got angry I just couldn't cope anymore and it doesn't mean I do not care or love you"

I am going to leave now because I need to not be where you all are I still love you but I need time without listening to you..

My Children are reasonably well adjusted and have some sense of how far they can take me. DD1 jokes its when I say " excuse me" you have to run for the hills.

I once threatened my eldest that if her behaviour continued, I would cancel the sleepover she had been looking forward to.

Long story short, I cancelled it. It killed me to do it, but I had to carry through.

It was a lesson that has stayed with her, in her early 20s.

I still remember the day MH dad bunged me and my sister in the car- drove us to a place we knew a mile or so away.

Told us we had to walk home to sort it out and we'd better walk slowly if needs be 😂

It never was sorted. My sister is still someone who believe her opinion is fact. And I just learnt to keep my trap shut and leave her be a bitch.

Sounds bad. Except I'm a fully functioning confident adult and she's an anxious over opinionated mess.

I often say on here "you can't control others behaviour - only your reaction to it". It's what I learnt that day.

You calmly walked out and let your DCs know you will not be in their company if they are being brattish behaviour wise. They'll remember this. And hopefully Have lesson from it.

Hope DH enjoys his run!

Enko, you have made some valid points. My mother always seemed to be in a constantly bad/distant mood to the extreme where I don't remember having any positive memories of spending time with her as a child. I think, that I need to communicate this with my children - that mum needs a bit of time out, it is not because of them etc. I always try to be fully available when I am out and about with dc because of how my mum was, it doesn't always work; I try to take them out individually every so often too. With waking baby, I think the excuse that I am tired and grumpy is wearing a bit thin but it is true and I try and communicate this; that my patience is wearing thin. It's tricky this parenting lark, sometimes I wish I could shirk my parenting responsibilities if only for a little while and get to know myself a little better again - just typing that makes me feel selfish!

OP you are human and had just reached breaking point. What was the alternative - mass murder? not an option of you want to nip to Costa No, you just upped and left and explained why - calmly.

No-one died and I bet there'll be days when DH feels and does the same and you're there for each other. It's fine. The kids will be fine no long term damage and DH will understand.

Revenge is chocolate dish best eaten in Costa!

I'd get your other half a Costa take out

Strongmummy

@sassitude - you don’t know that for sure. Plus it isn’t a man asking, it’s a woman. So people are responding to her and trying to be supportive. How is your response helpful?

It's a tactful way of saying that I thought it wasn't a good thing for the OP to do. Yes to turning the car round before you get there, no to walking off in the middle! Yes we all have days when parenting is tough (and I have a DH who is also away sometimes) but I think it's better to stick with it. Fine to let them know their behaviour is unacceptable with words.

I've just lost it with my two. Nearly 11 and nearly 7 and I can't take another second of them fighting and screeching. I told them I'm leaving in the new year. It was a horrible thing to say but it's how I feel and they really don't give a shit. They stopped for 30 seconds and now dd2 is back to normal. I'm at the end of my tether too.

Poor you, I am sure we have all been in your shoes at some point.

I have found that the best way to deal with it would be to drive straight home and not even go into the restaurant. They are probably tired, over stimulated and emotional so a quiet night in would be best as you have all been so busy over Christmas.

Tell your dc how much you love them before they go to bed and all will be fine.

p.s. Nero's makes better coffee and a fab chocolate brownie sorry not helpful

Well we are all back home. Apart from dh who is in the pub with his brother.

I calmly said I had left because I didn't want to eat dinner with people who were arguing with each other the whole time. 2 immediately said sorry, one started mouthing off about how I had ruined the dinner. So he got sent straight off to his room when we got in. The other 2 got to sit quietly and watch tv till 8pm then they also went to bed. They are actually asleep already so they were obviously really over-tired. The oldest is still stomping about in the bedroom but I'm just ignoring him. If he wants to come out and talk to me that's fine I won't hold a grudge. But I'm not going in to him.

I'm sat on the sofa with wine, chocolate and my book.

Op I think you did exactly the right thing.

Even your little one crying is a learning experience. there are consequences to actions.

Much stronger statement to leave them with DH and get some space.

Also sounds like you and DH have a great team approach to parenting.

Thanks @Enko

Have you been able to ascertain whether your method has worked better? (I know it's different people, different time etc)

I hated that cold silence, with no objective knowledge of when it would be over. Like you, could be a day or a week. And having my apologies taken with terrible poor grace made me feel like the worst child ever.

Oh gosh, I feel for you. I have literally stopped the car before now and made DS get out. Twice. The first time age about 11, I just Locked him out and sat in the car and ate my sandwich. The second at 13, I got him out and drove off and left him to walk home. Two miles. I was done.

I have also left the house and gone for a drive. I ended up sixty miles away before turning round.

We have all been there.

I think you did exactly the right thing. I don't agree with pp who said you should tell the DC you need space/you'll love them etc. It pretty much nullifies your actions which have had a brilliant effect. Oldest DC might need more time to get over himself.

Wish I could have done the same yesterday but being a single mum it's frowned upon sadly.

Sound familiar with my three, they are similar ages :)

I shut myself in the bedroom a few times when I got so fed up. You are a human, you need that moment to breath, it was your breaking point, don't feel bad about it.

Do you set rules around arguments? Like if they can't stop argue, you take away things that they like?

Hope the rest of the holiday will be easier

You've a good dh there too.

Backs you up and empathises with your actions. Calmly and politely takes the 'payback' and goes to pub with brother.

No drama and no arguments.

I am a single parent and would have turned around before we got there. I have done this once in the past, actually I walked them out the restaurant as they were so badly behaved I did not want to be judged as a single parent. I read them the riot act that if they ever behaved like that again when we were out, I would do it again.

I think it is harder if you have planned a family thing as couple parents, though, to pull the plug
because you are invested in going as a family and you have some back up - maybe I am wrong. I cannot just walk out of a restaurant and leave DC so I have to call it before that point, or at least before food is ordered (although I would ask for pizza to be boxed up if needs be). It will be fine in the morning when DC have had some sleep.

I felt like getting up and walking out on boxing day at my dmums birthday party as my three teenagers were arguing with each other, my dmum must have seen my face as she shouted at them to stop arguing or she was kicking them all out, their behaviour was absolutely fantastic for the rest of the night as they were all in total shock that their nannan had shouted

I have done this. They were very well behaved for the rest of the day.

OP sometimes you just need some head space! Absolutely no harm in walking out because as I'm sure lots of posters have said before me, will give your DF a wake up call.

Hope your ok now!

DD1 jokes its when I say " excuse me" you have to run for the hills

Same here!

Haven't done this with my kids but did once when teaching. The class felt really guilty afterwards and were good as gold for the rest of the year.

DS1's teacher did this a couple of weeks ago, and she's not coming back . She was a good teacher, too, but the school has recently taken on lots and lots of SN pupils without having any extra support in place for them.

My ex husband used this regularly, but not at the children. We'd be out as a family and I would make the mistake of expressing a different opinion to his and he'd just walk off and drive home. Leaving me with 2 children to get home from wherever with no car.
Quite often he'd then not talk to me for 2-3 months afterwards, but still expecting washing, cooking, cleaning etc done.
We're free of him now.
I don't think what you did was actually that similar, but it reminded me of his tactics, he was much more extreme. What I'm trying to say is that the talking it through afterward is probably the most important thing to do.