PIL completely ignored my wishes again

[DappledThings]

I'm so grumpy right now. I hate presents. Hate them. Everyone knows this. I thought this year I had managed to make it so I had nothing to unwrap but PIL refused to accept this and I now have a small pile of stuff I don't want or need that probably represents a waste of a a good £100.

I asked for either a charity present (the goat type) or to just be included in DH's presents and make them joint. SIL did the latter which was great. But PIL utterly refused. Have just overheard a conversation between MIL and SIL about me not appearing too thrilled. Because I'm not.

I'm pissed right off that yet again my desire to not receive anything has to come second to someone else's desire to go shopping. It's bollocks and I'm so unhappy.

I've never had any other complaint about PIL. I love them both, they're great people. But simply refuse to actually ever get me what I want for Xmas or birthday.

Doesn't everyone get stuff they don't really want at Christmas? I always get toiletries I that I give to charity shop.

I think you're being massively OTT. Just smile, say thank you, give to charity shop and move on. And maybe be thankful if this is the worst you have to moan about.

I've been really restrained I really wanted to call you ungrateful and tell you to wind your whining neck in

Hi Op hand it into your local hospital/ care home.
There are always folk that have nothing so it’s great to have extras around.x

I get you OP, I really get you. Luckily for me everyone has now come round to my way and does't buy (but this is the first year that it has happened). Most people still don't really understand it and I get a lot of "oh but people who love you WANT to buy you something nice!" but my view is that if they love me they will make me happy by respecting my wishes and saving money to boot. I don't want presents at all but the thought of having to open presents in front of my family (even if they are not the ones that bought said present) and even more so in front of others (colleagues for example) fills me with ABSOLUTE DREAD. I can think of nothing I would rather do less.

In my case there have been issues and bad memories relating to Christmas and birthdays but I have never liked opening in front of others. If I want something I buy it for myself. In addition most presents I have received in the past have been disappointing, a waste of money and with seemingly little thought gone into them.

Clearly most people don't understand it judging by the comments on this thread. I just wanted to let you know you are not alone in this and I hope people do start to appreciate your wishes.

I cannot believe that charity shops just chuck things out. That can’t be right. However, give it to a food bank.

I do think that people don’t listen sometimes when you drop hints as to what you would like or wouldn’t like. And then when you get something that you won’t use you feel guilt at the waste of money.

As an example A relative of mine got me some expensive skin care stuff but A few months before Xmas I’d told her that they must have changed the formula as my skin couldn’t tolerate it so I’d had to stop using it. She obviously forgot that conversation and spent a fair amount of money on it. I obviously didn’t want to tell her because it would hurt her feelings so ended up regifting it. I did mention it again before this Xmas and thankfully she didn’t get it again but did instead get me some body lotion which I’d mentioned in a previous chat that I didn’t tend to use (any brand) because it made my eczema worse.

She must have forgotten that conversation too and I think my issue is the dreadful waste of money on her part and it makes me feel so bad. I think, though, that if SOMEONE can get some use out of it then it’s not really a waste of money is it?

So regifting is fine. You should just accept the gifts, OP, and be happy that someone somewhere will happily use it once you have donated to charity or regifted!

Have to practise your lying skills, though, in case the giver asks you if you’ve used the item!! And if you don’t like telling lies, even white ones, it does add to the angst somewhat.

So I get why you feel this way, OP., but I do feel you should just accept the gift with a kind “thank you.”

Women's refuges and homeless shelters all need toiletries.
Maybe next year get your PIl to do one of those gift donations for you - here we had fill a big stocking with toiletries edible treats etc for homeless youngsters and for women in refuges - that way your PIL can have the pleasure of buying gifts, and the gifts will go to people who actually need them.

I understand that you don't like to receive gifts, but if you or your DH give gifts to PIL they are put in a an awkward position - it is very uncomfortable for some people to have received a gift and given nothing in return. Next time I would be very specific about acharity gift (ie I would like two maternity packs/school packs/goats for x charity please - here is the website).

I don’t think charity shops would throw the gifts out, I run a charity shop and this morning made a lovely display out of clearly unwanted Christmas presents, keep them coming please .

But I agree that present buying amongst adults is a complete waste of money, in my family we have stopped all presents for over 18s, everyone happy, no one offended and no more clutter in our lives.

I call reverse unless you happen to live on the top of mount crumpet and have a dog named Max. No one is this miserable. It's really a wonder mothers of sons worry....

I'm sure you'd have been less 'tense and anxious ' if you would have just said thank you and donated to charity.
I'm sure they don't mean to upset you, sounds like the opposite and you're making such a fuss your not coming across very nice

I do not think you are being at all unreasonable OP. Some of the comments on this thread are ludicrous. The ridiculous consumerism, buying tat no one wants etc is for so many reasons utterly gross in my view. I very firmly have said I do not want anything and for the first year I haven’t received anything - bliss! We only bought small amounts for children this year. All are much happier. Christmas really is not about gifts.

I think a lot of people are misunderstanding the OPs main point here. For some people, the OP, and me, the torture of being made to open presents in front of anyone is very VERY real. I would genuinely rather give birth again than have to open one present in front of someone. It causes me a HUGE amount of anxiety that involves physical symptoms that almost amount to panic.

Most of you wouldn't laugh or belittle someone who had a genuine phobia but that is what many of you are doing to the OP as this is what it is like.

It’s much easier if someone asks me what I want, I’m not fussy and there are a few simple, useful items Thant I am happy to receive (such as a diary or some warm gloves).

To me this is fussy.

I will if I can. But I've heard charity shops are inundated with toiletry stuff after Christmas and throw loads away. It's such a fucking waste and that just pisses me off

Most schools have a raffle prize cupboard. Small charities are always needing raffle prizes. Food banks might take them.

It doesn't have to be the end of the world.

honestly thought this thread had been done before and it seems like it has, by this very same OP.

Well obviously the OP really means it and clearly really bothers her. It sounds more like a real issue with being the centre of attentoin and maybe people could try and be kind.

I can actually see the Op's point of view. Say for example it's £100 worth of presents. She gives to a charity shop who sells them for £50. That's an extra £50 or more after costs and overheads the charity could of had if the giver listened to the OP.

I get a pile of crap from the in-laws. It all goes straight to the charity shop which actually makes it harder work for me to take it down there, pay to park, then drag it all in. I would rather they didn't bother at all. I have what I need.

Give the toiletries to a food bank. That way it is still a charity donation.

Stop building this up and making it so personal, dramatic and overwrought.

But then people get to buy things they might not normally buy due to the cost. Or homeless shelters/women's refuges/residential homes are given things for their residents that wouldn't normally have nice toiletries and normally get Tesco value stuff or whatever.

In a way op (and others) could still get their charity wish, it might just mean a bit of effort on their part to take the stuff, but I'm sure that's not a problem if giving to charity means so much

Op, you expect your PIL to respect that opening gifts makes you stressed, but you don't respect that for a lot of people, giving nothing at christmas/birthdays makes them stressed.

So how about you think about ways to manage your mutual stress?

Can you really not just use the toiletries?

If not, give away.

For next birthday, ask for food/wine gifts. Things you can use up. They will want to give you a thing, so ask for a thing. Ask for nice coffee, wine, chocolates, chutney for cheese etc, whatever you like as a treat.

Ask if it can be unwrapped as the opening gifts upsets you. At most, in a gift bag. Would they consider vouchers a gift? Would a voucher make you feel stressed or can you handle that?

Think about how you can manage their desire to give you something with yours to not want stuff.

You cannot expect your ils not to give you a gift especially if you give them one. That would be rude.

you are basically saying to them Fuck off with your symbolic gesture of my importance to you. you are so unimportant to me that I am not even prepared to fake a polite thank you .

^^ this

I think you're a bit harsh being annoyed with PIL. It's Christmas. People GH I've gifts. If you don't want them don't open them. YANBU to refuse to open them in front of everyone, YABU to get all grumpy about it so they notice. Your wish not to receive gifts doesn't trump theirs to be allowed to give them.

Gift giving should be a two way business. I can't see how it can give happiness to the giver if they choose to give the recipient

• something s/he explicitly asked not to be given
• something they should know s/he can't or won't use, e.g. something s/he's allergic to, alcohol to a teetotaller, after shave for a bearded man etc etc
• something they haven't put any thought into - a totally generic gift that they have no particular reason to think the recipient will like, especially if it's identical to other gifts being handed out to family members
• something that's cheap and nasty and which nobody could want

All of the above are more of a box-ticking exercise for the givers. 'Phew, finished at last! Something for everyone. X was tricky, but that red jumper I saw will be fine.' 'I've never seen her wearing red.' 'Yes, she only wears black, about time she had something brighter.' 'It won't be a problem with her eczema?' 'Oh no, I'm sure it'll be fine. The creams you can get nowadays are really good.' 'It does look a bit big - is she really a size 24?' 'Oh, you can't trust shop sizes now. It'll be fine and anyway it was the only one left. Any tea left?'

Having said that, I'd say you're on a hiding to nothing here, OP. Just work hard on smiling graciously and saying thank you, while secretly planning how to get rid of the unwanted gift.

@LeSquigh and OP, I agree. Unfortunately the pack mentality and rude responses on here just add to the anxiety caused by the people who are giving gifts for their benefit nor yours.
I don’t know what the answer is. Meanwhile...although the amount of gifts to me have reduced massively...I still donate a sackful per year to care homes and schools (for their raffles) and food banks...and unfortunately some stuff ends up in the bin...

Well obviously the OP really means it and clearly really bothers her. It sounds more like a real issue with being the centre of attentoin and maybe people could try and be kind.

The OP is still playing little girl lost with her "but I don't understand"

Of course she understands, she's had it explained to her over and over again.

I think a PP got it right near the start of the thread. Some people's "Oh don't bother with me, I hate the attention", is actually them attention seeking. Especially when they throw a strop about it.

Simply accepting that people want to give a few gifts at Christmas and quickly donating them, doesn't quite get them the attention they crave.

Put all items in a carrier bag, then stick in the boot of the car. When you next go to Tesco take the bag out the boot and place in the food collection basket at the front of the shop.
Job done.

Or her PILs could just stop buying unwanted tat so she doesn't have to make an unnecessary journey. I'm firmly on OP's side on this one.