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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

PIL completely ignored my wishes again

333 replies

DappledThings · 28/12/2018 14:18

I'm so grumpy right now. I hate presents. Hate them. Everyone knows this. I thought this year I had managed to make it so I had nothing to unwrap but PIL refused to accept this and I now have a small pile of stuff I don't want or need that probably represents a waste of a a good £100.

I asked for either a charity present (the goat type) or to just be included in DH's presents and make them joint. SIL did the latter which was great. But PIL utterly refused. Have just overheard a conversation between MIL and SIL about me not appearing too thrilled. Because I'm not.

I'm pissed right off that yet again my desire to not receive anything has to come second to someone else's desire to go shopping. It's bollocks and I'm so unhappy.

I've never had any other complaint about PIL. I love them both, they're great people. But simply refuse to actually ever get me what I want for Xmas or birthday.

OP posts:
user1471426142 · 28/12/2018 16:25

You are probably being a bit Ott but I get the waste issue and the feeling of having to keep stuff you don’t want. You would probably be best trying to ask for something consumable or vouchers (although I suspect they wouldn’t if they didn’t do charity gifts) if they want to get you something to open.

Original poster
DappledThings · 28/12/2018 16:26

I'm back. Thank you to a few more people who seem to get it.

I think this articulates it best:
I get it OP, it's because you specifically asked for nothing but have been ignored. And you didn't just ask for nothing because you are trying to cut down on the clutter in your house or something (like us!), you did it because you feel actively bad receiving and unwrapping a gift. So PIL are either saying "we know what's good for you better than you know yourself", or "we know that this will make you feel bad but we're going to do it anyway"

Intrigued about the attention seeking accusations. The entire process is being asked what I'd like, saying, something from goodgifts.org please, having that ignored, politely but uneffusively accepting it, retiring to internet to moan about it not irl. Not sure how that can be be attention seeking.

Maybe it's because I consider a charity gift to still be a gift and others don't. Is that it? Because otherwise I don't see the difference between asking for something from goodgifts.org and something from next.com.

For those asking about the toiletries I will use the shower gel but have no use for body lotion.

OP posts:
Kikipost · 28/12/2018 16:31

Your focus is wrong OP

It’s all about trying to avert a ordinarily run of the mill situation ?being given a gift) rather than trying to work out how you can overcome your anxiety around this

AllTakenSoRubbishUsername · 28/12/2018 16:31

YABU for making a bit of a stompy fuss and on MN at that.

glueandstick · 28/12/2018 16:32

I get you. Have just been to the tip with things that can’t be donated and have no use for us. And the piles and piles of packaging they came in too.

Think a miniature of whiskey in three types of plastic with novelty glass.

I hate this commercialism 2!3 would much rather a single high end something than loads of tiny stuff I’ve never use. Every year I get a pile of stuff I’ll never use. The waste is horrific.

And I really don’t think there is much desire to buy yet another basic set of toiletries. No one gets a huge amount of joy from buying that.

WorraLiberty · 28/12/2018 16:32

Intrigued about the attention seeking accusations.

Aye, no doubt.

BlackForestCake · 28/12/2018 16:35

It gets enervating dealing with people who are controlling and domineering. It is rude to force things on people who have repeatedly said they don’t want them.

Aethelthryth · 28/12/2018 16:40

Your reaction is utterly ungracious. We are all ignored from time to time. You can ask not to receive a gift; but if you do you should say "thank you" in a pleasant fashion. You can then give it to a charity shop or similar. Life is full of small social anxieties sonf you need to learn to deal with them rather than having a princessy strop.

Original poster
DappledThings · 28/12/2018 16:41

if you do you should say "thank you" in a pleasant fashion

I did! I've said this twice.

OP posts:
Jux · 28/12/2018 16:41

You are completey graceless and unmannerly.

Smile, say thank you like a well brought up person, then give it all to charity.

geekone · 28/12/2018 16:42

1st world non problem

“Oh woa is me, I got presents at Christmas from people who love me, how could they!”

How self absorbed do you have to be to have these thoughts never mind post them Confused

Original poster
DappledThings · 28/12/2018 16:44

Intrigued about the attention seeking accusations.

Aye, no doubt.

I like your style Worra. You are making me laugh.

OP posts:
Marychristmastome · 28/12/2018 16:44

We've finally got SIL to understand this after about 30 years.
She's always skint but loves nothing more than buying people a load of tat they don't want and in our case which went straight to the charity shop, which is a hassle in itself.
This year we had a shared meal and every adult donated to Crisis instead. The kids still had gifts.
No-one needs pointless consumerism, and it was always about SIL's need to buy something, anything, with no thought for whether the recipient would like or need it.

nicenewdusters · 28/12/2018 16:47

For most people, rightly or wrongly, a gift is something you buy for someone you like/love, wrap, and hand over. Certainly in generational terms, gifting a goat to somebody in another country from the person you'd normally buy a Body Shop basket for is just anathema.

They want to buy you something, you don't want them to. Who gets to choose who will be the more upset?

This is the second time my ex BIL has come to mind over the last couple of days on MN. He was excruciating at Christmas, everything was over analysed in terms of consumerism etc. He sucked the joy out of the whole affair. I'm not suggesting you do this, but I think you need to consider your PILs who sound lovely, more than whether you should be providing someone with a goat. Maybe you should provide the goat just anyway?

ADastardlyThing · 28/12/2018 16:50

But op you're clearly not as pleasant about it as you think if you heard them discussing how unhappy you seemed. if my family said that about dp I'd be so embarrassed and hurt for them.

Keep it as a set and charity shop it, re-gift etc.

Also are you sure they buy stuff online and comfortable with it? I'd ignore someone asking to buy them something from randomcharity.con because I limit where my card details are used wherever possible.

thewinkingprawn · 28/12/2018 16:54

It absolutely is a first world problem - part of which is contributing to bringing our planet to its knees. Pointless and yes, thoughtless tat. There is no deep thinking that goes into a generic toiletry set. I doubt many charities can shift unwanted body lotion and I very much doubt it’s the first thing women’s refuges want (although am sure i’ll Be shot down). I genuinely have no idea why it is not ok to say I do not want any gifts and have that respected.

OrdinarySnowflake · 28/12/2018 16:56

Then op do you get it from their point of view? Do you get you are asking them to do something that will upset them, make them stressed to not give you something? That you are being cruel by insisting they are rude to you?

Ask for wine, and for it to not be wrapped, or just put in a gift bag, if that's easier for you. Then it's something that'll get used, not clutter. Or ask for specific "I wear this body lotion/face cream", so they are getting you something you'd use anyway. (Again, ask for gifts not to be wrapped if the unwrapping causes you stress).

If the surprise element stresses you, eliminate it by taking the surprise out.

If it's the waste, then eliminate that by asking for stuff you'd buy anyway and will get used.

If it's the attention, ask your DH to help by stepping in and opening gifts together so it's not everyone looking at you.

Work out which bit of it triggers this unusual reaction in you and find a way round it, you need to accept your solution of asking them to give you nothing won't work.

Original poster
DappledThings · 28/12/2018 16:57

Ok. So there a few people who are with me.

But the consensus seems to be that yet again it's the givers who are meant to have their needs considered above the recipient.

Nobody has managed to convince me why that's the case when other threads are full of people saying that you don't give to receive thanks.

OP posts:
Greyhound22 · 28/12/2018 17:02

So you have lovely in-laws. People who clearly care about you. That doesn't outweigh you having to open a present and saying 'thank-you that's lovely'?

I agree you sound like hard work and a petulant teenager. I couldn't be bothered with you at all.

PengAly · 28/12/2018 17:07

Its the social norm. The givers are being NICE and showing they love you. You are basically saying you dont care about how they feel towards you. You are thinking of gift giving as too much of a materialist thing and not realising the reason and metaphor behind why its important to people. Its really not that hard of a concept to grasp.
Maybe show them your true colours, and next time they give you a gift throw a strop and tell them how pissed off they make you feel, then im sure they wont care to show their affection towards you in any way Hmm

BarbarianMum · 28/12/2018 17:07

I totally understand where you are comjng from. However, if this is the only area where you and your inlaws clash then I wouldn't make it your hill to die on.

They need to accept that, if they insist on giving you gifts you dont want, you will not be squealing with excitement.

You can accept the unnecessary gifts and pass them on - regift where you can, pass toiletries to the food bank and charity shop or sell the rest.

You could also try telling them what you would like. My inlaws are wealthy and basically have everything they want/need (at least in our price range). We gave them a kettle this year because theirs broke. Not exciting or surprising but it balanced our need to give (they're very generous and I can't just reveive and not give and they want to give) with a genuine need of theirs.

MrsExpo · 28/12/2018 17:08

Seriously OP, just get over yourself, get on with it and smile. Christmas isn't just about you you know!! Maybe (just maybe) your ILs actually like you enough to want to give you a small token for christmas as it makes them happy. I think you sound a bit self absorbed .....

Unwrap in private, donate or re-gift them - job done (and who knows - they may actually have given you something you like and want to keep ....).

SleepingStandingUp · 28/12/2018 17:10

Il's like buying stuff, bit can get that pleasure from buying for any number of people

OP gets anxiety about having to unwrap it all in front of people and so to make life easier is happy with nothing or a chaorty donation.

Why is SHE the unreasonable one??

Surely it's rude to do something you know will cause someone ANXIETY simply because it causes you JOY.

Why is their happiness more important than her unhappiness?

If I wanted to give you a hug but doing so would make you uncomfortable then I shouldn't try and give you one.

SleepingStandingUp · 28/12/2018 17:12

Maybe (just maybe) your ILs actually like you enough to want to give you a small token for christmas as it makes them happy. I think you sound a bit self absorbed
Why does their happiness trump her unhappiness? If Xmas isn't just about OP then it isn't just about Il's either who can buy for lots of other people too. I want presents I gift to make the RECIPIENT happy, otherwise my giving is self absorbed selfishness

LagunaBubbles · 28/12/2018 17:18

Nobody has managed to convince me why that's the case when other threads are full of people saying that you don't give to receive thanks

You can't control what others buy you. And clearly you don't like that.

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