PIL completely ignored my wishes again

[DappledThings]

I'm so grumpy right now. I hate presents. Hate them. Everyone knows this. I thought this year I had managed to make it so I had nothing to unwrap but PIL refused to accept this and I now have a small pile of stuff I don't want or need that probably represents a waste of a a good £100.

I asked for either a charity present (the goat type) or to just be included in DH's presents and make them joint. SIL did the latter which was great. But PIL utterly refused. Have just overheard a conversation between MIL and SIL about me not appearing too thrilled. Because I'm not.

I'm pissed right off that yet again my desire to not receive anything has to come second to someone else's desire to go shopping. It's bollocks and I'm so unhappy.

I've never had any other complaint about PIL. I love them both, they're great people. But simply refuse to actually ever get me what I want for Xmas or birthday.

OP can you put your finger on why it makes you so anxious? Do you have any bad associations with present giving / birthdays / Christmas? This clearly goes back a long time as you mentioned tears at your 21st birthday

Not really, I just hate the attention, the fuss, having money spent on me, the massive awkwardness of it all. Since I was around 12 or 13 maybe? Definitely by 16. I remember I had a Latin GCSE paper that day and being so relieved I could run out of house in am to get to it that I could ignore presents at least till evening.

It's so immensely frustrating because to me it's one tiny request (please don't buy me presents) that would have a huge effect on my happiness. But people won't let it go. So it becomes a massive thing because I'm so frustrated at such a small request being belittled.

Ahh i see! It is a shame to get more things you don’t want especially when it makes you anxious opening them. Maybe do what others have said and ask dh to talk to them about no future presents it is probably done out of love by them but there no understanding how it makes you feel.
They probably just think your shy to recieve gifts so say no no no to them but really do actually want them maybe get dh to explain you really want the charity donation x

OP: maybe they think you're just being modest and really do want a present? I think some people just can't understand it. I've just endured my 50th birthday and spent all year dreading it and telling family I didn't want any gifts, or any celebrations at all. I more or less succeeded. Not helped that my SIL turned 50 just before me and had been going on about it for the past 18 bloody months

Then ask for something you actually will use.... a new calendar, new pair of oven gloves, new bath towels, face cream, amozon gift voucher for £10 so you can buy something when you need it.

Just have a chat and say you really don't need anything but if you do insist on buying something then please get x y or z

Amazon even

OP I get you. I hate the waste of unnecessary presents and people’s compulsion to buy stuff, it doesn’t seem to matter what in many cases, as long as there’s lots of it!

An amazon wish list may be the only way forward unless DH can get jus parents to listen.

*his

Then ask for something you actually will use.... a new calendar, new pair of oven gloves, new bath towels but she will still have to open then, whilst people stare, do the right face, say the right words. THAT'S the issue, not what type of soap they gifted.

I was on your birthday thread and said that it seemed ungrateful that you were refusing to open your birthday presents that people had brought over for you.

I kind of see some of what you mean (hate receiving toiletries as gifts myself, much prefer book vouchers) but I also get why your in-laws are uncomfortable with the idea of not giving you anything. The giving is often an engrained behaviour/expectation for them.

Ask them to just give you the money that they would have spent on a gift. Then you can do as you wish with it, either buying something you actually want with it or donating it to a charity of your choice.

That might stop things, or it might not. If it doesn't then you will have to continue giving the stuff away to charity shops or food banks etc.

There's a fine line here, and always the danger that you will appear ungrateful. That is a risk you take.

Some Guardian journalists have started a toiletries bank - sadly a lot of people in this country can't afford to keep clean, or have sanpro, and have to ration nappies, and it's only going to get worse as the Universal Credit rollout really starts to bite. Girls are already missing school, because their families can't afford tampax for them. Kids are being bullied for being smelly and dirty. It's horrific, but true.

www.theguardian.com/fashion/2018/oct/06/beauty-banks-help-people-too-poor-to-buy-toothpaste-tampons-sali-hughes

The address is: Beauty Banks, c/o The Communications Store, 2 Kensington Square, London W8 5EP. They add, "If the cost of postage is prohibitive, you can shop our wishlist on the independent online cash’n’carry easho.co.uk/beauty-bank.html, which doesn’t charge postage; it also dramatically cuts packaging, petrol and carbon by loading toiletries directly on to pallets and delivering to us once weekly."

I've been given a load of things for Christmas that are meant with love, and I appreciate, but can't use. I love that they will be so useful to other people. And as with food banks, I'm sure that the odd really luxury item will make someone's day, too, if anyone has unwanted high end stuff spare.

Incidentally, YANBU. Apparently around 90% of Christmas presents are in landfill within the year. That's horrifying. I've tried to get things this year that are really wanted, and not novelties, for all of us. Also things that will be used by other kids when mine outgrow them. It's amazing how much novelty junk I've bought without really thinking about it in the past, as stocking fillers and for party bags. It's nuts.

We've done massively well this year on this. COnsumables, reusable box. Ornaments that will stay up for years. Gift vouchers. Books. It feels much nicer to not look and think uurgh what will I do with that / who can I give that to

@DappledThings I still believe you're a drama lama. You got plenty of suggestions on what to do with the unwanted presents yet you're still pouting in the corner like a stroppy toddler.
Unless it's something totally unusable like a kitten pillow or Victorian style ornaments, you can donate the presents to a food or toiletries bank. Or does it irk you that the presents would go locally and it doesn't seem as noble as getting those nice updates on how the natives in a poor country are so grateful for the gift of their goat? I used to donate like that but no more because I hated those thank you and oh we're so appreciative cards. It felt like a neo-colonial rubbishy white man's burden and I came to dislike it immensely as a result.

You got plenty of suggestions on what to do with the unwanted presents yet you're still pouting in the corner like a stroppy toddler

Have you actually read anything past the first post?

It is ANXIETY ABOUT OPENING THEM

OP has specific anxiety about opening presents and all that entails. She does not have anxiety about not getting the right brand of soap for Christmas.

Honestly how hard is it to work out.

If you do X, it causes someone anxiety.

So you don't do X. You don't belittle them, call them names and carry on regardless which is seemingly what many on here would do.

Just an add on: the whole opwning gifts in front of the giver is a really weird concept for me, and makes me deeply uncomfortable. i’m not from the uk, opening a guft immediately is very, very rudevthecway i was brought up (kibd of “lets see if its worth anything immediately as I don’t trust you@). for me, the norm is take gift, admire the wrapping, thank giver, put to the side. open later when the giver is not around.

YANBU, But unfortunately many people's need to give outweighs the recipients wishes. My DM is the same, it's all about what/who she wants to do for, give to or be with. What anyone else wants (or doesn't want), is irrelevant.

I fucking hate it too and folks don't listen. Christmas is bloody traumatic for me and apparently people's need to ignore my pleas and do something I really don't want, is more important.

But yeah we should get over it, right?

No, fuck off. Maybe folks should get over their bullshit and respect our boundaries?

aaaand whilst I'm dreaming, I'd like a unicorn.

I think you’re being a bit of an ungrateful brat OP

The social norm is gift giving. Other people like to receive presents. Your PIL know they will receive gifts from you and DH, bought with family money. Therefore, if they don’t get you anything, they will be made to feel bad that they haven’t reciprocated, as this so the social norm that we are all conditioned to.

They are insisting because your actions are making THEM uncomfortable and anxious. Just stop being so precious and accept the gift. Think of what toiletries you do use and ask for those. Ask for tesco vouchers for the weekly shop. Anything you actually use practically day to day. Ask them for online vouchers they could email to you as a compromise, so you don’t physically open anything in front of them.

But seriously, I don’t see why your discomfort should trump everyone else’s. You will be taking the shine off receiving gifts for other people by behaving in this way.

Amazing. Folks completely disregarding someone's boundaries because of social norms, and telling her to suck it up. What an absolute load of shit.

This is the conundrum that's at the heart of it. stabulous saying how I feel, that actually I do have the right to try to stop something happening to me that I find deeply uncomfortable and upsetting. Cheby saying I don't have that right. That twice a year, every year for ever I should always squash my own upset for societal norms. Whilst also missing the point it's not about getting the right thing, or something useful. It's that I hate money being spent on me. And I don't want it. And why does someone else's desire to spend money trump mine?

Ultimately people seem entrenched in this idea it's their right to spend money on people regardless of how the recipient feels. Which is pretty weird really.

But a good few people do get it. Which is heartening.

You could ask your child / children if they’d like to help mummy unwrap presents if it’s the press of unwrapping that’s the issue. Most toddlers love unwrapping stuff. If PIL are going to override your request anyway, this would defuse the drama .

But why do your desires trump everyone else’s feelings? We all put up with stuff for the sake of good family relations. This is a small thing you can do, twice a year. Your actions are upsetting others here, why do you get priority?

I’m not saying you should do it because of social norms. I’m saying you should do it to protect others’ feelings, and it’s you that should compromise because it’s you that’s out of step with the social norm.

Why shouldn’t the OP’s feelings get priority. Forcing a present on someone who doesn’t want one is neither loving nor kind. It’s selfish.

The OP even offered options, charity gifts etc, but because these don’t meet th PILs definition of a gift they won’t get do this. It’s mean.

Standing - I get that but if you ask for a calendar and know it's a calendar then surely that would ease some of the anxiety when opening the present.

Dappled - this is obviously something you feel strongly about but I do think being really direct and saying to them ok get me this particular item may help you.

Also it would look really weird that 11 people are opening their presents and you have nothing so insist on 1 gift that you will use.

‘Look really weird’

So what. Who cares? There’s no one there but family

The OP’s family know she doesn’t want a present. SIL got it this year, why can’t the PILS