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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

PIL completely ignored my wishes again

333 replies

DappledThings · 28/12/2018 14:18

I'm so grumpy right now. I hate presents. Hate them. Everyone knows this. I thought this year I had managed to make it so I had nothing to unwrap but PIL refused to accept this and I now have a small pile of stuff I don't want or need that probably represents a waste of a a good £100.

I asked for either a charity present (the goat type) or to just be included in DH's presents and make them joint. SIL did the latter which was great. But PIL utterly refused. Have just overheard a conversation between MIL and SIL about me not appearing too thrilled. Because I'm not.

I'm pissed right off that yet again my desire to not receive anything has to come second to someone else's desire to go shopping. It's bollocks and I'm so unhappy.

I've never had any other complaint about PIL. I love them both, they're great people. But simply refuse to actually ever get me what I want for Xmas or birthday.

OP posts:
Gth1234 · 28/12/2018 15:10

YABU

People like to give to you, because they love you. You can give your money to charities, but maybe they your relations don't want to do that.

Thesnobbymiddleclassone · 28/12/2018 15:11

I wish my Mil wouldn't bother. She just gets me crap for. The sake of saying she included me also.

I've sent the horrid fragrance set to a raffle (she knows I don't wear perfume as it irritates my skin) and the magazine went straight in the bin as I'd bought it myself from Morrisons earlier in the month.

CarrieBlu · 28/12/2018 15:12

*Anyway no more replies for a bit my battery's dying and we're off out

You should have asked them to buy you a portable battery charger.*

Hahahahaha.

JenFromTheGlen · 28/12/2018 15:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sparkletastic · 28/12/2018 15:14

Beauty banks will be very grateful of the donations. Then have a long hard think about what is and isn't a problem.

Ellie56 · 28/12/2018 15:15

You should have asked them to buy you a portable battery charger.

That is an excellent idea. I have one and it is fantastic, especially on long journeys in the car. That's your present sorted for next year OP.

BigusBumus · 28/12/2018 15:15

I am so with you DappledThings. I know exactly how you feel as I am the same. This year DH and I didn't buy anything at all for each other and it was so much nicer - we are going to go out together to an extremely pricey Michelin starred restaurant in the NY instead.

But my mum and my MIL will never stop buying for us, sadly. It makes me very uncomfortable opening presents in front of people as well. In reality we are fairly well off and so anything I want I just go out and buy. So anything bought for me is wasteful as its not something I have chosen or even need. Then I have to open it and their expectant faces make me feel guilty, terrible, angry and sad all at once. I try and gush my thanks, but its never real and then I feel terrible all over again. I wish they would just respect my wishes and just buy the kids something.

I get how you feel completely.

Nottheduchessofcambridge · 28/12/2018 15:17

God, what a drama over nothing!
Smile, say thankyou, donate presents to charity/food bank etc. You literally can’t stop someone buying you gifts unless you are going to have a massive tantrum which with make you look bizarre.

Onescaredmuma · 28/12/2018 15:19

SIL? Is that you?

ADastardlyThing · 28/12/2018 15:22

All that money and no class Wink

Haffdonga · 28/12/2018 15:24

How is that hard work? I don't get it .

Because, OP, present giving is almost nothing about the 'stuff' and almost everything about the social and family-'ness' in the giving receiving.

When someone gives you a present (e.g. of toiletries) they are not saying you need a bath or can't afford soap. They are showing you are a significant person in their life and they want to demonstrate your importance to them.

By acting negative and sulky about getting a present from FIL you are basically saying to him Fuck off with your symbolic gesture of my importance to you. You are so unimportant to me that I am not even prepared to fake a polite thank you.

It's incredibly rude. Like refusing to shake your opponents hand after a match or refusing to take shoes off in a mosque, it's a deliberate refusal to participate in a ritual that is important to someone else.

You know the expression 'It's the thought that counts?' That goes for the present receiver as well as the giver.

PengAly · 28/12/2018 15:28

@Haffdonga spot on! I couldnt agree more with what you've said. Perfect explanation

Mummylife2018 · 28/12/2018 15:29

YABVVVVVVU! Grow up!!! These people have been kind enough to buy & wrap items they thought you'd like. Don't be so bloody ungrateful!

WorraLiberty · 28/12/2018 15:32

I honestly thought this thread had been done before and it seems like it has, by this very same OP.

The only difference is it's a birthday thread

The 'but I don't understand' routine has just worn even thinner.

Pure attention seeking imo.

HolgerLowCarbingLoser · 28/12/2018 15:32

I don’t think you’re hard work, and I don’t think it’s controlling either. I love presents so I’m on the opposite side of the spectrum to you, but I can easily understand that it is annoying and frustrating to not have your feelings heard and validated. You’re not asking for anything unreasonable. You’re asking people not to waste their money on pointless things that you don’t want or need!

And I don’t for one minute agree that others’ insistence on giving you things that you absolutely do not want is borne out of ‘sheer kindness’ either - if they actually were thoughtful they would listen to you, consider your feelings instead of their own, and not do things that cause you anxiety or distress.

I think maybe you should pick a company to ask for vouchers for - maybe John Lewis, or love to shop, or amazon. That way you can just keep the vouchers and use those as and when, for things you actually want or need.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 28/12/2018 15:32

If you've got unwanted toiletries, how about your local women's refuge, or the Sally Army? I'm sure someone would be glad of them.
You could always drop them in a food bank bin, too - it's not just food that people don't have money for.

labazs · 28/12/2018 15:35

i own a charity shop and we certainly do not throw toiletries away its a generation thing and they would feel embarrassed visiting with nothing to give not to mention the pleasure they got shopping for gifts i always feel i need to give something and a goat doesnt cut it for me

WorraLiberty · 28/12/2018 15:37

A lot of charity shops are inundated with unwanted goats in January.

Hillarious · 28/12/2018 15:38

The hard work here is thinking of something that you would like and the PILs are happy to give. Clearly they will buy you something regardless and they're not happy with a charity donation. You need to put some effort in if you don't want money to continue to be wasted.

We've now got our presents for the ILs and my parents sorted - subscription to Private Eye and the Oldie - and a cinema membership from them to .

Having said that, I still have difficulty with DH. His approach to Christmas is just like Brexit - he'll tell me what he doesn't want but not what he does!

OlennasWimple · 28/12/2018 15:40

I get it OP, it's because you specifically asked for nothing but have been ignored. And you didn't just ask for nothing because you are trying to cut down on the clutter in your house or something (like us!), you did it because you feel actively bad receiving and unwrapping a gift. So PIL are either saying "we know what's good for you better than you know yourself", or "we know that this will make you feel bad but we're going to do it anyway"

ADastardlyThing · 28/12/2018 15:40

I remember that thread worra.

All I can say is how extremely wearing this must be for everyone. Agree this is 100% prime fillet of attention seeking. Yum!

HolgerLowCarbingLoser · 28/12/2018 15:42

On the other hand though, you are going to have to let this go. You really can’t change people, and you would be unreasonable to keep demanding that they change to suit you. They’re not going to. So the only thing you can change is your reaction. Make it work for yourself rather than getting het up about it every time.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 28/12/2018 15:42

I know where you’re coming from, OP. I know people want to show their love for me by giving presents but I don’t need or want more THINGS, whereas I would absolutely love it if they’d babysit my kids for me, or take them out for the day, or cook me a lovely meal. Or even come for a walk in the park with me! Or come clothes shopping with me and advise me on what to buy, if they are into fashion.

But that takes much more time and effort. It takes 10 mins to pick a boxed set of toiletries off a dept store shelf and pay for it. To me, it’s not about the value of consumer goods. In the old days when people had very little in the way of THINGS then I can see how gift giving woukd have been appreciated

But these days I have money to buy my own things but I am time poor.

WorraLiberty · 28/12/2018 15:44

Prime fillet Grin Grin

BigusBumus · 28/12/2018 15:44

Spot on OlennasWimple

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