PIL completely ignored my wishes again

[DappledThings]

I'm so grumpy right now. I hate presents. Hate them. Everyone knows this. I thought this year I had managed to make it so I had nothing to unwrap but PIL refused to accept this and I now have a small pile of stuff I don't want or need that probably represents a waste of a a good £100.

I asked for either a charity present (the goat type) or to just be included in DH's presents and make them joint. SIL did the latter which was great. But PIL utterly refused. Have just overheard a conversation between MIL and SIL about me not appearing too thrilled. Because I'm not.

I'm pissed right off that yet again my desire to not receive anything has to come second to someone else's desire to go shopping. It's bollocks and I'm so unhappy.

I've never had any other complaint about PIL. I love them both, they're great people. But simply refuse to actually ever get me what I want for Xmas or birthday.

Societal norms
Societial norms
SOCIETAL NORMS
MUST COMPLY
MUST COMPLY
WRONG THINK WILL BE PUNISHED

Do people realise that societal norms are no rules and change over time?
That individual NEEDS trump people's conditioned WANTS?

Societal norm is to eat meat at Christmas. I assume any vegetarians are given short shrift and gifted a pork pie to take home after their turkey dinner?
That the t-total or recovering adults should just have a drink of wine with their Christmas lunch?
That the kid with ASD or sensory processing issues should just cope with the Christmas lights and cracker bangs?
Because that's the societal normabd we DON'T KIKE PEOPLE WHO ARE NORMAL!!!!

OP likes her PIL's so we can assume their generally nice, that this isn't done to deliberately upset her. But people are so consumed with what they think they SHOULD do that they lose sight of what they COULD do.

Like a book token, a shared present ie hamper / experience or a donation to a charity that matters to PIL's. No because how could we tell people that we did something different.

Novemver- DIL I feel really odd not getting you something to unwrap Xmas morning. It's how we say I love you!
OP: I know you love me, and honestly what I'd love is tokens / shared / charity. I really considerate gift I can enjoy without all the anxiety that comes from usual presents.
P: OK OP, timately we want you to enjoy your gift. We give gifts because we like it but also because we want to give the person we give to happiness. We'll give you what you've asked for because we respect you know your needs better than us and your anxiety for days is worse than me feeling momentarily odd handing over an envelope.
Op: thanks Il's, you really are great

Why shouldn’t the OP’s feelings get priority. Forcing a present on someone who doesn’t want one is neither loving nor kind. It’s selfish

Exactly. They want to do something. I want them not to do it because it causes me upset. They get to win because it's the societal norm? That's a crap argument! I'm asking them to take the easy way out, to make less effort to not spend money in order to not stress me out.

Your actions are upsetting others here, why do you get priority? because in reality its days of anxiety vs a little disquieting feeling that will go and feel normal in a few years. OP has felt this ways since teens, she knows it won't go away.
Gift giving should BENEFIT the receiver not hurt them

I feel like I'm not explaining myself properly so maybe next time cause a huge scene shout and scream and say you didn't want anything and throw the gifts to the floor and stamp on them and storm out. Maybe that will get your point across.
Kidding!
But actually just have the conversation with your mil and be honest about how you feel. Have you ever actually explained the birthday/Latin exam day story to her?

Not told the Latin GCSE story no. I definitely have said clearly I find it all very uncomfortable. Last birthday she mentioned the presents 3 times saying "Oh Dappled is trying to avoid this" with me screaming inside "Yes, clearly so just fucking drop it" but I was too polite to do that out loud. She's lovely usually. We get on great. This is NOT a MIL bashing thread.

But I obviously need to be even more explicit.

Then please have that conversation with her. If she as lovely as you say then she will understand. Maybe have your dp there as back up to explain the shared gifts are wonderful for the 2 of you. I hope you get want you want next year as in nothing.

Pregnant this Christmas and asked no one to get me anything food as everything is making me sick and changes even hourly with what will make me hurl just thinking about it.

Yeah people still ignored this. Toddler is happy though as she got a giant kinder egg, fancy cookies and some chocolates which she would not have had.

I told people not to bother with me this year with being pregnant but focus that on the toddler as it is her first Christmas she understands and last one just her. Most got the message. Some really did not.

There are people who if you say "Please don't get me anything" or "Please don't get me blah as I have way too much of it already" will think that you have just given a massive hint you want something.