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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

PIL completely ignored my wishes again

333 replies

DappledThings · 28/12/2018 14:18

I'm so grumpy right now. I hate presents. Hate them. Everyone knows this. I thought this year I had managed to make it so I had nothing to unwrap but PIL refused to accept this and I now have a small pile of stuff I don't want or need that probably represents a waste of a a good £100.

I asked for either a charity present (the goat type) or to just be included in DH's presents and make them joint. SIL did the latter which was great. But PIL utterly refused. Have just overheard a conversation between MIL and SIL about me not appearing too thrilled. Because I'm not.

I'm pissed right off that yet again my desire to not receive anything has to come second to someone else's desire to go shopping. It's bollocks and I'm so unhappy.

I've never had any other complaint about PIL. I love them both, they're great people. But simply refuse to actually ever get me what I want for Xmas or birthday.

OP posts:
PopMaster34112 · 29/12/2018 18:09

Pass the gifts on to the Charity of your choice, they can sell them on.

Palaver1 · 29/12/2018 18:18

Food bank but really my gosh ...in 10 years time you will look back at this and laugh..your lucky to have PILs

BaeBae · 29/12/2018 18:20

I probably would've bought you a teeny, tiny little violin to play.

^^
This

LeSquigh · 29/12/2018 18:37

Fuck me, some of you lot are so fucking RUDE, not to mention the fact that you are clearly not reading all the details that the OP has posted.

This is about anxiety, a recognised condition, which many of you likely do or have suffer/ed from at some stage in your life and your treatment of the OP is nothing short of APPALLING.

Any mention of regifting is irrelevant for starters, as it's not about this. It is not about being ungrateful either. They have disrespected her wishes.

nicenewdusters · 29/12/2018 18:51

The OP doesn't suffer from anxiety as a generalised condition. She herself has said it's only a problem twice a year - christmas and birthdays. So I would suggest that what she actually feels is a great discomfort as regards opening gifts people have bought for her, in front of those people.

Therefore, far from being rude, I think pps have been quite respectful in a thread that mentions anxiety, but is actually about two short lived incidents per year where discomfort/short term anxiety is caused. Living with generalised anxiety is completely different.

Happy to be corrected by the OP.

parentin · 29/12/2018 18:52

A drama queen. Really what a fuss over nothing, i get things i dont use or want from work colleagues, ils, neighbours. Once we get to January i normally collect my sisters and bothers un wanted and donate to the womans refuge. No fuss or drama required.

lboogy · 29/12/2018 18:53

Your PIL is of an age where they know know how to buy physical gifts. Just smile and say thanks and then throw it all away. It's really not worth getting worked up over.

Do you get worked up over minor things generally?

lboogy · 29/12/2018 18:57

This reminds me of the thread where the OPs son's g.f refused to open her present because she doesn't believe in performance present opening. Confused

PeterIanStaker · 29/12/2018 19:00

I feel as exasperated as you do by wasteful gift-giving, op. My sister spent £50+ on my husband this year, for a selection of nothing but joke/novelty presents. The problem is that we're not at all close so she barely knows my husband, but her need to buy and give presents is too strong to resist. We've asked if we could stop the adult presents at least, but no joy.

We stick to giving smaller presents to adults and getting no thanks, or (even more predictably) a faux-confused message asking; 'Is this between us? Is it our Christmas present?' Grin

GinghamStyle · 29/12/2018 19:02

Having given this a lot of thought, I can see that you have only one option:

Set up an Amazon wish list so you at least know what you’re getting.

I have one and ask for books and the odd thing for the house. This year I got a popcorn maker!

SleepingStandingUp · 29/12/2018 19:02

i get things i dont use or want from work colleagues, ils, neighbours lovely for you. Nothing at Al to do with someone whose anxiety is about opening the actual gifts whilst the gift givers stare on expectedly. It isn't that she doesn't like lavender Bath salts but wants strawberry bubbles!!

Just smile and say thanks and then throw it all away
You REALLY think it's OK to just toss thiusands of pounds worth of unopened presents Inn the bin? £100 for Xmas, assume same for birthdays. OP is. 39 so say IL's are 65. That could be 30 years at £200 a year so £6000. Special presents for 40 and 50 could add another k onto that.

So your solution is to just bin £7k of presents because it's too stressful for the Il's to buy a book voucher from a shop?

SleepingStandingUp · 29/12/2018 19:04

An Amazon list is a good idea, you'll get stuff you want and can actually check what's been bought in the run up so can know what's in the presents. Would knowing what's in them help? Seeing them a day or so before so say you'll save them for your actually birthday then either do it alone or recruit two little paper scrunchers to do it for you?

Original poster
DappledThings · 29/12/2018 19:18

Ok, going to keep replying if people want to keep asking questions.

No I don't have capital A Anxiety. As a recent PP said I am anxious and uncomfortable about this specific thing. And yes that is very different. I have never claimed otherwise.

As SleepingStandingUp has said it is massively wasteful to throw stuff out and while hopefully a charity will benefit from it there's no guarantee it won't end up in landfill anyway. And it's a ludicrous waste of money.

I guess Amazon list is the next attempt at compromise from me. It doesn't change that what I hate is not what I receive but receiving at all. If it's something I would buy anyway I will feel less uncomfortable about it this is true. Still don't understand why I have to be the bigger person AGAIN and accept gifts rather than PIL taking a turn to do what I want.

And still nobody has explained why a slightly awkward few minutes followed by 2 more days of total normality is creating drama. I've said a few times all the discussion about it has been here. All the stress it causes me has been on here, not irl. Nobody irl knows I had a very little cry this afternoon because I felt so belittled and ashamed and dread the next time.

If being online is causing drama with strangers who are under no obligation to read or react fair enough. But I'm really not affecting anyone else.

OP posts:
Allthewaves · 29/12/2018 19:22

It's actually harder to receive graciously than give - skill you obviously need to work on

SleepingStandingUp · 29/12/2018 19:27

Allthewaves and its harder to empathise than to criticise - skills you obviously need to work on

Hattieboomboom · 29/12/2018 19:34

OP I completely understand where you're coming from and those on here saying you sound like hard work, etc. are, I assume, the types of people who couldn't give a toss about the sheer amount of waste created by Christmas in this country. I find being given presents I didn't want really depressing too - especially toiletries. We don't actually need any of this shit, and it's excessive consumerism and is literally destroying us.

Bluelady · 29/12/2018 19:39

People cry because they've been given presents? The wonderful world of MN.

donkeyshrekmom · 29/12/2018 20:39

I understand where you're coming from. We've just arrived at the in laws for a few days. Exchanged gifts. Smellies for me. Really wish they hadn't. I always try to get DH to get them to just make a donation to charity or buy me a book token. They ignore but I know it's because they're trying to be kind. I'm really not a smellies person. Don't want to be ungrateful but it's wasted on me. Just looked up the brand online and its £39 worth. Makes me feel even worse. I'm hoping she got it in a sale or a 3 for 2 deal as that's such a waste of money. Wondering where to regift it. Any ideas?

Betsy86 · 29/12/2018 21:03

Hello thread folks :)
I was reading through this thread earlier but only just came back to it so missed a few pages so forgive me if this has already been mentioned....
so this whole thread is about you not getting the charity donation gifts you asked for and you now feel upset and stressed.
However i was just on another thread about what people had for Christmas and ummmm sorry op but I believe on that thread you commented that this year you had 3 charity goat donations in your name and you feel very relaxed and happy??
So which was it [santa]

CripsSandwiches · 29/12/2018 21:05

God forbid you have a surprise 40th birthday party?!

To be fair that would be awful for me. Surely you would only throw a surprise party for someone you're absolutely sure would actually want one. Lots and lots of people would hate it.

CripsSandwiches · 29/12/2018 21:07

@donkeyshrekmom

Donate the smellies to a women's refuge, my local one loves "treat" stuff like this. Women often escape with very little and it's nice for them to have something which is more of a treat than just the necessities.

Atthebottomofthegarden · 29/12/2018 21:12

OP can you put your finger on why it makes you so anxious? Do you have any bad associations with present giving / birthdays / Christmas? This clearly goes back a long time as you mentioned tears at your 21st birthday.

Most of us I suspect are slightly annoyed by inappropriate or very generic gifts but are able to inwardly roll our eyes, be polite and move on (“more liqueur chocolates! Thanks Mum!” 🤢). But to be sufficiently upset that you have a bit of a cry is very unusual.

I can only suggest you ask your DH to talk to his DPs. And perhaps ask for flowers or fruit or a bottle of wine on your birthday instead if they really must?

Original poster
DappledThings · 29/12/2018 21:13

However i was just on another thread about what people had for Christmas and ummmm sorry op but I believe on that thread you commented that this year you had 3 charity goat donations in your name and you feel very relaxed and happy??

A fair request for clarification. Xmas Day was us, my parents, my brother and his wife. Got goat type charity presents from parents, Brother and aunt & uncle (this is what all my family do for each other). Second Christmas with DH's family was already set for 27th but as far as I was aware they were making his presents joint so I was in the clear. Then I got blindsided with a bag of presents I had allowed myself to believe I wouldn't be getting because of the joint thing. So when I wrote that other post I was still relaxed!

Hope that explains it.

OP posts:
Esspee · 29/12/2018 21:16

OP, I understand your feelings entirely. Having explained to your in-laws laws that you do not want a tangible gift then they completely ignore this would distress me.
Can I suggest that your husband explains the situation to them without you being there in an effort to make them come to an understanding of the stress they put you under. They're his parents after all.

donkeyshrekmom · 29/12/2018 21:19

Just totted up the cost of some additional bits (chocolate ...) and realise in laws have spent £50 on me which is the same amount my dear parents sent me to put towards something I really want / need. I know some people like to wrap a gift but as an adult I find it a bit pointless especially as we try to live a simple lifestyle.